Aquiana

I dropped my bf off at rehab the other day. So far it's not so great. He is so homesick. It's terrible hearing when he calls cuz he's so down. I've been telling him it'll get better when he meets a few people but right now he's really depressed. I started to realize that he needs me alot more than I thought and it's terrible not being there to help him.

I've started to figure something else out about him too recently. I can tell he's not proud of his drinking. Sometimes I can tell he hates it as much as I do. I know he wishes he could stop. It has screwed some things up for him in his life and he's not lost on that fact. The thing I've been realizing lately is his biggest obstacle is that he's so embarrased to ask for help. He was going to tell his parents where he was going and chickened out at the last moment. Nobody else knows but me. It really hit home a few weeks ago when he told me he was afraid I'd leave him while he was in rehab. I thought he was nuts for thinking that. It's like he feels so weak having to go there. I think sometimes that is why he needs me so much. I think he's afraid that people won't stick with him if he has to go for help. I don't think he realizes how many people would be proud of him and that everyone wouldn't look down on him. I'm trying to find a way to make him less ashamed of asking for help. I think he wants it but can't get over the shame of having to seek assistance. Anyone else worked through that problem? How do you get them to realize it's not bad to get help?

ASpouse

You didn't cause his problem, you can cure it and you can't control it. Unfortunately he is on his own for right now trying to kick this habit.

When he gets out and goes to AA, he will meet many people who will be friends and who will not judge him, but will give him the support he needs. You are unable to help him and I think that as they go through rehab and the alcohol leaves their body they do in fact suffer from depression, it's a side effect of all the booze.

How often is he calling you? I would think he would be allowed to only call at certain times, the rest of the time he should be in therapy or meetings.

Aquiana

I know he's on his own but I still can't stand not being around for him. I mean, I am when he calls but...
He only calls once a day between his meetings. Today he actually sounded a bit better. He signed up for some activities there so he wasn't so bored today. Biggest complaint was the guy he rooms with snores really bad and he can't sleep. That's cute cuz normally he can sleep through anything! He said he hasn't really thought of having a drink yet though. That's pretty good. I'm glad he's better. I just wish he didn't feel so embarrased. It's so silly.

Ann

There is aboslolutely no shame in admitting you have a problem and doing something constructive about it. The shame is on those who have problems and do nothing, and more shame on those who would judge him for doing something that very well might save his life.

But Aquiana, you can't do this for him, he has counsellors there who can work with him and suggest what he should or should not do, that's why he is there, to listen to people who know about addiction and recovery.

Perhaps it might help you to work on something for yourself while he is there, to help you regain your balance and not worry so much about him. If you haven't been to any face to face meetings, maybe give it a try. You will meet people there who can help you find yourself again and learn to live your life in a happy and healthy way, regardless of how he is doing.

I hope he sticks this out, it takes time to get comfortable but is well worth working to completion.

Hugs and prayers for both of you
Ann

lonlion

I understand your b/f Aquiana; When I was in treatment like allot of others we are totally vulnerable and raw with emotions we numbed for so many years. My self esteem was so low, I thought I didn't deserve to be loved or helped. I still have a hard time asking for help. Just reassure him of your unconditional love and always tell him how proud you are of him. He is lucky to have you with him right now. When/if you are feeling worried for him and his feelings and insecurities, give it over to your HP. Pray for him and he will feel the strength from your prayers. Treatment was the hardest personal work I have ever gone through, but knowing you have a loving support system can mean the difference between pain and joy. He should feel better with every passing day, even though he will inevitably have some hard days....hence the one day at a time. Stand by your man!

StandingStrong

Pride is a very big thing - and I think even moreso for men.
Having to swallow your pride and ask for any kind of help is a huge major with most of the men I know. I mean - stop and think about it, Look how many men won't even stop and ask for directions when they are lost!!!!
Having a weakness such as a chemical dependence/addiction to something is even worse for an A (In my opinion). Not only are they saying that they need help-but they are also having to admit that they are weak. (An example of that would be that most men think it's weak to show emotion and/or cry. Therefore, many of them won't ever do it - especially in front of someone!!!)
My AH admitted years ago that part of his problem with admitting that he was an alcoholic was his "pride". I think that is probably true for a lot of people. No one likes the idea of being weak and/or dependant.

The only thing that I can even think of to suggest in your case would be this. When he brings up how he's feeling (about being weak, ashamed, etc), how about telling him that you see it as "bravery". Brave enough to face his problem, brave enough to get help, and brave enough to fight it. It shows great courage!
Things to this nature. Not the the point that you are smothering him with it or making him feel like a 2 year old getting praise, but perhaps if he sees that you fully support him and admire him for what he's doing now, it may help????

Now............just don't forget to focus on YOU!!!!!

JT

Alcoholics and addicts are manipulators and we as people pleaser's/codependents, whatever you want to call us are ripe targets. I am not saying he is lying, I am not saying he is not hurting, I am not even saying he is a manipulator, but odds are that he is.

You saying that "I started to realize that he needs me a lot more than I thought" makes me itch. What he needs so much more than you is the courage to face life sober. If you are there to soften the blow you are doing him a disservice. Please try to allow him to go through this even if he hurts. It's the hurting that might make him want to avoid repeating his mistakes.

Hugs,
JT

Aquiana

Just a recap on this one. The bf called me this morning, ( I work at night tonight) and he's doing way better. He's starting to sound like himself more everyday. They have lots of activities for them to do there and he's signed up for most of them. I think he's actually enjoying himself at times. I'm going to visit him on Saturday in the afternoon and he said that's great so he can catch the AA meeting at 8 p.m. which is optional. I couldn't believe it! HE said he wanted to make an OPTIONAL meeting. I didn't make a big deal out of it since I didn't want to embarrass him but I was blown away by that. I even had to laugh because they are making him go to smoking sessions as well, (he doesn't smoke) and I got a big lecture on smoking! Fair is fair I guess. I am so proud of him for starting to get into things. He may just pull this off. Crossing my fingers anyway!

Peaches04

Oh Aquiana...I'm sooo happy for you! I hope with all my heart all your hopes come true - it sounds like you are there! I told my husband the other day that I believe it takes more courage to walk into the first AA meeting than anything I've done in my life. And I truly believe that! Good for him! Hurray for all the recovered As (if that includes the behavior !!

Aquiana

Another update on the bf. He called this morning to see if I was doing ok. I was bummed out cuz I found out I can't visit him till Sunday instead of Saturday. Everyday he sounds more like himself. He's sounding really happy today. Anyway, somewhere in the conversation he caught me smoking again and he started telling me I have to quit. He then said that he quit his habit and now it's my turn. I said something about that being awesome but he had to stick with that. He said he was going to for so many reasons he couldn't tell me on the phone. He said he was going to tell me all of them when I visit. He said he learned a few things. I was so excited and so proud of him for doing all the thinking he's doing. I know the hard part is going to be when he gets out of rehab and he has the choice to drink but at least he's going in the right direction. It sounds like he's really trying. Yay!!! I know he can do it if he puts his mind to it. I can't wait to see him. Now to work on that smoking........

cwohio

aquiana - happy for you - hope the recovery has begun and stays. let us know how things go after sunday!

hugs - cwohio

Aquiana

Well I got to see the bf today. It was cool. To me he seemed a little distant but it could be that I was just way more excited then he is. I was expecting lot's of hugs and "I missed ya's" but oops I forgot he's not as sentimental as I am. I think the distance was more my imagination. He didn't seem to want to talk too much about his progress. He still says he's not going to drink ever again. I said I didn't expect him to totally quit, just control himself but he said it has to be all or nothing. One will lead to another and another and another. He's right. I guess he's learned a lot about alcohol while he was there. He said he thought he knew everything about it since he's been drinking since he was 13, ( he's 35) but he knows now that he knew nothing at all. His reason for quitting is that he said he knows if he starts again it's only going to get worse and he doesn't want that to happen. Well, I'm still crossing my fingers that he'll hold to his decisions. I think he's stubborn enough actually as long as he wants it bad enough. 4 more days and he gets to come home for the weekend. Yay! My cat and I are excited.

ham

Aquiana,

Hi! So glad that your Bf is doing better. The way you described the way he felt about himself sounds a lot like my husband. He is in day 5 of treatment for alcohol.
My first visit will be on Sunday.

Take Care,

ham

Aquiana

Congratulations and I hope your it works for your husband. I was reading some of your other posts in different threads, (the ones about how much he hated it) and my bf was the same way. There was a lot of complaining and even he didn't think he'd make a week. It got way better for him though. Where he is at they have a tonne of sports that they can play and luckily he loves sports. I hope your husband finds some things there that he enjoys too. My bf is on day 8 today and he gets to come home next weekend so he's looking forward to that. So far it's the best thing he's ever done and he finally has it in his head to quit for nobody but himself. Before it was just to make me happy so of course it never worked.

Good luck and you should let me know how it goes. I'm excited for your husband now too!

cwohio

aquiana & ham - good luck to both of your SO's. keep up with your recoveries!

hugs - cwohio

ham

TY Aquiana and cwohio!
My husband seemed in such better spirits this morning
which made me happy and relieved!
Thanks for your support.

Karivan

You are both in my prayers! It sounds like you're on the right track.

squirrel0112

Aquina, My husband is also in rehab at this time.. day 30 today, He goes to halfway thursday for 30-45 days. this weekend will be his first weekend away... and yes we will be spending all day fri,sat sun in classes, with speakers and couselors... He was the same way your b/f is now... But every day and week that went by I saw anew man emerge. I drive every sunday 260 miles to see him and it has been very therapuetic for me also,,, That drive home gives me time to think about how I feel he is doing and smile about the new husband I will be getting in about 45 days.... I can't wait.. He talks now about buying a house and gettijng back to work and a boat etc..... I have to stop him a back him up and make him realize ONE DAY AT A TIME>>>WE have the rest of our lives... Be strong for yourself, if he is in a good rehab... He will get all the help he needs and meet some friends that may be lifelong buddies... I stay with my husbands roomates wife when I want to go up for the night, last weekend they had a family cookout.. it has brought us all so much closer and I even have a differnet view of alcoholics and addicts... they are some of the truest people you will meet, because they have had to bare their souls to find that road to recovery....Keep Your chin up and use this time to recover for yourself

Aquiana

The bf actually called me again tonight. This time he sounded a little bummed again. I guess he had some trouble with his one on one councillor today. He said it seemed like she was just giving him s#$t for a half hour. She was telling him he didn't talk enough and he wasn't helping in the groups. He tried to tell her that he's not a public speaker and he gets more out of listening and she still gave him a hard time. I was really ticked off as well since he's been doing so well that he doesn't need anyone to tell him he isn't! I don't understand the comment about him not helping in groups since he's not speaking either. Isn't he supposed to be there for himself? I have to admit I'd like to throttle the woman myself since to me it seems like she made him doubt himself. I told him to go in there, listen and nod and ignore her. I know speaking can be good for some people but if he doesn't want to do that yet then let him listen. It's not like he's rolling his eyes or being a jerk or anything. Listening is better than nothing at all I'd say.