I don't know what to do anymore

Old 07-05-2016, 06:44 AM
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I don't know what to do anymore

I'm always covering for him. Making excuses. I'm so tired of living this way. He didn't drink when we met because he'd had previous issues with alcohol and pain pills after an injury in the military. He started two years after we got married. 6 years later...here I am...still making excuses, still covering for him, still listening to his lies-at least I don't still believe them, that's something right?

Why do they lie about their drinking? Do they really think we don't know?

Would it be wrong to just drop him off at an AA meeting?

I don't know what to do...I don't want to end my marriage but I don't want this life for my son, I don't want this life for me....
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Old 07-05-2016, 06:57 AM
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willing and make a decision

Originally Posted by alwayscovering View Post

Would it be wrong to just drop him off at an AA meeting?
I would highly recommend that you do that.
Also, nothing wrong with you attending a couple of meetings with him.
Believe me, you also will learn a lot regarding alcoholism.

I know many whos families or friends recommended to them to go to AA.
It works for the ones that are willing and make a decision to stay sober.

Good luck
MB
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Old 07-05-2016, 07:12 AM
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Thank you

I just know how I am when someone is trying to make me do something and I certainly don't want to ambush him. Maybe I will go with him that way I can make sure he stays for the meeting.

He admits he has a problem and always promises to stop but I don't believe him anymore.

I didn't realize how much his addiction was hurting me and our child. I'm going to an al anon meeting this friday on my day off.
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Old 07-05-2016, 07:28 AM
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Go to your meetings and stick around here...you can learn so much from others' experiences.

You can't make him do anything. All you can do is learn how to detach and let him experience the consequences of his drinking...in other words, stop covering for him.

I'm so sorry you're going through this...
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:14 AM
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering View Post

Maybe I will go with him that way I can make sure he stays for the meeting.

He admits he has a problem
The above I think may make for a nice new start for you two.

Then as suggested by others you may wish to find meetings for yourself ? Just like in AA meetings not all fit all. My wife tried the recommended meetings and much preferred for herself free couseling through a local church. Then we also went to the church for couples meetings and counseling together.

The above along with what was almost daily attendance for me the drunk at AA meetings along with the help of God has brought much needed healing for our family.

A nice sober day wished for all,
MB
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:31 AM
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I just know how I am when someone is trying to make me do something and I certainly don't want to ambush him. Maybe I will go with him that way I can make sure he stays for the meeting.
Alwayscovering, sorry to be blunt, but that is NOT a good idea. If he chooses recovery, it will be b/c HE chooses recovery, not b/c you drove him to a meeting and made him stay there. Recovery is for those who want it and work for it; it cannot be crammed down someone's throat who is unwilling. You will find much more benefit in working your OWN recovery than trying to fix him, believing that that will fix all the problems (said by one who has been down that same path, had those same thoughts, and learned the hard way about those things).

I see you've posted to some other threads. I'd strongly encourage you to read as much as possible here. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. This is one of the threads from there, and you might find it to be a good starting place: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

You also might find doing some reading about codependency and detachment to be helpful. I'm glad to hear you're going to try Alanon. For me, Alanon and SR made a powerful combination to help me learn and change. I hope you find the same to be true.
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:44 AM
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Two points of view.

Just a note.
A friend of mine in AA has one month more sobriety time than I do. We are both coming up on 9 years sober in a few months.

His family member dropped him off at an AA meeting way back then and he has not had a drink since.

As seen from up top the mountain,
MB
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Old 07-05-2016, 08:55 AM
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Thank you all

I'm going to the al anon meeting regardless.

You're all correct, I shouldn't force him to do something he doesn't want to. I just want him to be better, especially for our son. I said that because I'm angry and stressed over this situation and just wish he would get better so we can move on with our lives.

Should I at least ask him if he wants to go to an AA meeting? I don't know what how to do this....or what I'm supposed to do. He's admitted he has a problem. He says all the time he's going to stop. I just don't believe him anymore. He's very antisocial-always has been. Maybe if I go until he feels comfortable going on his own would help.
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Old 07-05-2016, 09:01 AM
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always, I think if you read thru the many, many threads here, you will find very few where anyone was able to manipulate or force an A into recovery with any degree of success. I suspect you will hear the same at your Alanon meeting. Recovery is not like taking your car to the garage, where the mechanics replace some parts and it works like new again. It is not something that can be done TO a person; the person needs to be actively engaged and working hard.

Certainly he knows of the existence of AA. Certainly he would be able to get there if he wanted to. He has been resourceful enough about his drinking, hasn't he? I doubt the reason he has not quit drinking is b/c he doesn't know how to go about it...

However, Alanon for YOU is a wonderful idea, and I hope you post to let us know how it went for you.
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Old 07-05-2016, 09:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Mountainmanbob View Post
Two points of view.

Just a note.
A friend of mine in AA has one month more sobriety time than I do. We are both coming up on 9 years sober in a few months.

His family member dropped him off at an AA meeting way back then and he has not had a drink since.

As seen from up top the mountain,
MB

now let me tell ya about the hundreds ive heard from at aa meetings who had recovery forced on them and it didn't help, including myself;plus the hundreds and hundreds of court ordered ones who leave a meeting and get drunk.
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Old 07-05-2016, 09:14 AM
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one thing you can do for both of you is stop covering for him and stop making excuses.
I absolutely loved it when people covered and made excuses for me when I was drinkin. with that happening I could continue being selfish,selfcentered, and not take responsibility for me and my life.
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Old 07-05-2016, 09:17 AM
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it is time to STOP trying to manage HIS problem. and only deal with how it affects you, your quality of life and your child's safety and security.

your husband doesn't need a babysitter. or a wing man. if he ever gets serious about recovery, he'll get his butt into a chair at a meeting....or call a rehab center, or take some other initiative.

living with an alcoholic is taxing, tiring and wearing. and it isn't always as easy as just running out the door screaming. so we have to find ways to make it survivable, until we have a clear path. do go to meetings for YOU.
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Old 07-05-2016, 09:18 AM
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Tell him you will no longer cover / lie for him but be honest with others
as it is causing you stress and worry.

Take care of you, and let him face his own consequences.
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Old 07-05-2016, 09:29 AM
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Here's sort of an in-between idea. It worked well in my first marriage.

A friend of mine in AA gave me her copy of the Big Book (the main AA book that lays out the program of recovery--it was written in 1935, so the language and some of the social assumptions are dated, to say the least, but still very relevant to recovery from alcoholism).

I read it and gave him the book to read. (I'd suggest reading it first, yourself, as it is quite educational.) He, like many alcoholics, recognized himself in those pages. He agreed to go to one meeting to see what it was about. He thought the people were nice but--as is typical--he wanted to try doing it on his own.

He failed miserably, of course, and about that time I decided I needed a break from our relationship.

During the time we were apart, he went ON HIS OWN to a meeting, got sober, and he is still sober 36 years later without a slip. He is still active in AA.

So you might consider reading the book (there is actually a chapter called, "To Wives," that is VERY dated but suggests how to go about this), and talking to him when he's feeling crappy some morning and talking about how lousy he feels. Ask him if he'd be willing to take a look at the AA book. If he's ready to stop feeling like crap, maybe he'll go to a meeting or two. Maybe he'll decide he's not quite ready to take it that far. Still, maybe plant a seed.

I totally agree you can't MAKE anyone get sober, but there's nothing wrong, IMO, about sharing in a helpful way something that might save his life. But you do want to step back and let him take it from there.
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Old 07-05-2016, 10:21 AM
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Is this normal?

I'm sad because he's obviously sick, I'm angry because he keeps lying to me, I'm frustrated because I can't DO anything about it. I keep switching between these emotions. I've cried 3 times at work already today.

I am NOT an emotional person. I don't like this at all. (maybe I'm a control freak?)

I lied, I'm not tall enough to ride this roller coaster, can I get off now?
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Old 07-05-2016, 11:00 AM
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Originally Posted by alwayscovering View Post

I lied, I'm not tall enough to ride this roller coaster, can I get off now?
you don't need permission to get off. youre allowed to just get off.
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Old 07-05-2016, 11:00 AM
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Maybe you could find an alanon meeting today or tomorrow? Even
if you have to drive further, it would be worth it. The denial in your
life is crumbling and you are seeing maybe for the first time how bad
things really are & it is an extremely emotional time. The discomfort is a blessing because it will propel you to get informed & then make
decisions & a plan.

This forum contains a tremendous amount of wisdom, experience,
& information to help you on your journey. The potential to
change YOUR life for the better is now being offered to you if
you do the work. I am and its still in progress for sure, but I'm
not that far from the days when the wall of denial came crumbling
down.

Keep coming back, this journey is all about you my friend.
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Old 07-05-2016, 12:49 PM
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Why do they lie about their drinking? Do they really think we don't know?
for the same reason you.............

I'm always covering for him. Making excuses.
Denial.........it keeps the dance of alcoholism/enabling going........reality is at times so harsh, frightening and scary.

You don’t Cause him to drink, you Can’t control his drinking and you Can’t cure him………..al-anon will help you focus on you and help you come to accept the things you cannot change and help you find the courage to change the things you can........which is YOU.
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Old 07-05-2016, 12:58 PM
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I don't know your faith base, but you may want to try Celebrate Recovery. I say that b/c it starts as a large group where you could go together, then separates into small groups according to your needs, men w/men, women w/women. There are chemical dependency, codependency, etc.

My X and I usto go together, we also took our kids as they have children's classes as well. It was nice.

Just something to think about. Good luck!
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Old 07-05-2016, 01:27 PM
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Thank you

Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
I don't know your faith base, but you may want to try Celebrate Recovery. I say that b/c it starts as a large group where you could go together, then separates into small groups according to your needs, men w/men, women w/women. There are chemical dependency, codependency, etc.

My X and I usto go together, we also took our kids as they have children's classes as well. It was nice.

Just something to think about. Good luck!
Thank you I'll look into it. I appreciate all the suggestions/input. Most of all I'm glad I'm not alone because I surely feel like it.
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