Lonelyhearts2

I've had SA pretty much my whole life. It's very hard to overcome, many people don't understand it unless they've lived it. Since I don't go out a lot and meet people, on the rare times that I do meet someone, I tend to settle, even if we might not be that compatible. I've realized this is a big issue and I need to overcome it and not just get comfortable with someone who is wrong for me.

Is this an issue for anyone else? I feel this is why I get stuck into codependency. My last ex was really the only addict I've ever dated, and I also believe he was a narc/sociopath.. Very damaging relationship. I need to watch out for this in the future. My trust in people has definitely been damaged..

PrettyViolets

Yes. Life would be easier if it was like the Hallmark channel, but life is a lot more complex.

It is like you are searching for something that will truly make you happy. You get your hopes up when someone or something does make you happy. And then it does not work out or your trust gets broken.

For some people, social relationships are easy. They are not easy for me. There are some things that are going to take lot of practice to get over. Last night, I spent some time trying to make a no-bake chocolate cheesecake. It was a complex recipe. I thought I could just wing it, and it would still taste good. Um, well, I finally I ate a piece of it. It was just goey chocolate stuff with fruit. But unfortunately, it was not cheesecake. I am either going to have to do this recipe until I perfect it, or I am going to have to find another recipe that is easier. Or I am going to find a bakery who can make my life easier.

schnappi99

I was never much good at meeting people either, and it goes back to childhood. Going to alanon has changed that completely. Not that I'm now the life of the party in arbitrary company, but getting face-to-face with a larger group (10-20 people) a couple times a week for a couple years, sharing my stuff and listening to theirs, I find I have a connection to all of them; I keep up with their stories, we chat after the meetings. I've a deeper rapport with my sponsor than with the other folks yet I've gotten to know a couple of them too. Even the nodding acquaintances from those I've seen at other meetings is nice, and the nod & smile when crossing paths in public is neat too. Makes me feel at home.. I was pretty isolated from the community where Iive despite being here 18 years now.

The recovery story here though is learning to know myself and getting with my higher power, it leaves me a lot more comfortable in my skin and so with others. Its a profound experience. I used to almost revel in feeling separate.. a square peg in a world of wrong-size holes, alternately a martyr, a victim.. and of course a control freak. All that drops away when I am keeping up with my program.

Liveitwell

After keeping the abuse and my husbands alcoholism a secret for so long, I shut down completely. I shut of friends and family-I isolated myself bc I believed my ex and his abusive words. I also did not feel authentic at all bc nobody knew what he did at home after they left-nobody knew me-I felt like such a fake and a phony-and hated meeting people or being around people. I found that on e I started telling my truth and searching out help, I got over my social anxiety - it was baby steps and didn't happen overnight but it did happen. I owned who I was-all of it-good and bad-and that helped immensely. So did divorcing my abusive alcoholic husband.

PuzzledHeart

I was a person who couldn't choke out a "hello" because I was so anxious. In my family, I was known as the weird, anti-social kid. You would never know it today.

I dealt with mine in baby steps. I would deliberately throw myself into social situations, but I would give myself time limits - five minutes, ten minutes - then I would go out. Or I would set a goal of talking to just one person, or maybe two, and then I would let myself off the hook. For me, at least, knowing that I could control when I left really helped a lot.

I think I made the most progress when I finally accepted that I naturally got anxious in social situations. I was never going to enjoy being at a bar, or at a party, and that didn't make me an evil person. Just an introverted one. But as long as I entered a social situation with some sort of plan, and a couple "go to" questions (because people love talking about themselves!) I'm usually OK. And it's definitely easier if you're socializing in a group that meets for a common cause, whether it's Al-Anon or a Meetup or something like that.

I'm at the point where I can make public presentations, and I'm actually pretty good at it. BUT, at the last presentation I did, I spent the half hour before my slot retching at the toilet because I was so worked up. However, I've come to realize that my physical reaction to these situations is very separate from people's perceptions. Also knowing that I can work through my physical reaction and get to the other side is extremely empowering.

dandylion

My mother had social anxiety, I believe....I think it was l earned behavior...

As I understand it, shyness and introversion are two different things.

dandylion