If I could just ...
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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If I could just ...
If I could just know that I was worth fighting for....
If I could just know that I am a great catch...not just on paper but in my heart...
All that keeps going on in my head is that he is spending 4th of July meeting girls and partying it up. That it is confirming to him that he made the right choice because he "feels better" around a party girl that doesn't hold him accountable... Ugh I hate this holiday sometimes. I feel like it is an excuse for people to binge drink and make bad choices... I feel like such a stick in the mud...
He told me that I had a "bad energy sometimes"... but I don't...most of my friends say that I am extremely positive... the bad energy he is referring to was me 100% knowing that he was changing the script on me al of the time... Even HIS friends told him they loved me...HIS parents told him "hang on to that one".... ugh this holiday just makes me feel like he has free reign on drinking himself silly and justifying our breakup... while I am too depressed to get out of bed...
He told me that when he lost his kids for almost an entire year that he didn't call them as much as he should because it was "just too hard to deal with the pain"...he can seemingly shove his pain in places and go on being "apple pie and baseball" to the world... so I am sure thats what he is doing now...
I don't know it for sure but it feels that way...
sigh...I hate this depression... but I know I nee dot go through it. Anyway ever stay in bed literally ALL day?
If I could just know that I am a great catch...not just on paper but in my heart...
All that keeps going on in my head is that he is spending 4th of July meeting girls and partying it up. That it is confirming to him that he made the right choice because he "feels better" around a party girl that doesn't hold him accountable... Ugh I hate this holiday sometimes. I feel like it is an excuse for people to binge drink and make bad choices... I feel like such a stick in the mud...
He told me that I had a "bad energy sometimes"... but I don't...most of my friends say that I am extremely positive... the bad energy he is referring to was me 100% knowing that he was changing the script on me al of the time... Even HIS friends told him they loved me...HIS parents told him "hang on to that one".... ugh this holiday just makes me feel like he has free reign on drinking himself silly and justifying our breakup... while I am too depressed to get out of bed...
He told me that when he lost his kids for almost an entire year that he didn't call them as much as he should because it was "just too hard to deal with the pain"...he can seemingly shove his pain in places and go on being "apple pie and baseball" to the world... so I am sure thats what he is doing now...
I don't know it for sure but it feels that way...
sigh...I hate this depression... but I know I nee dot go through it. Anyway ever stay in bed literally ALL day?
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Yep. Ice cream and Netflix.
He avoided calling his CHILDREN because it hurt his tender little feelings. Poor, poor baby...here's a thought, WHAT ABOUT HOW HIS KIDS FELT?
Sweetie, reality check time. You don't know that he's spending the holiday having a great time, more likely he's scrounging for money to stay wasted and has projectile vomiting to look forward to. Try to stop envisioning this magical golden life he now has while you're suffering...ain't no such of a thing for an active addict, just running from drink to drink.
Ice cream, Netflix. For what it's worth, I hate this holiday, my pets hate this holiday, and every year we just hunker down and wait for the noise and stupidity to be over, so you're not alone!
He avoided calling his CHILDREN because it hurt his tender little feelings. Poor, poor baby...here's a thought, WHAT ABOUT HOW HIS KIDS FELT?
Sweetie, reality check time. You don't know that he's spending the holiday having a great time, more likely he's scrounging for money to stay wasted and has projectile vomiting to look forward to. Try to stop envisioning this magical golden life he now has while you're suffering...ain't no such of a thing for an active addict, just running from drink to drink.
Ice cream, Netflix. For what it's worth, I hate this holiday, my pets hate this holiday, and every year we just hunker down and wait for the noise and stupidity to be over, so you're not alone!
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Yep. Ice cream and Netflix.
He avoided calling his CHILDREN because it hurt his tender little feelings. Poor, poor baby...here's a thought, WHAT ABOUT HOW HIS KIDS FELT?
Sweetie, reality check time. You don't know that he's spending the holiday having a great time, more likely he's scrounging for money to stay wasted and has projectile vomiting to look forward to. Try to stop envisioning this magical golden life he now has while you're suffering...ain't no such of a thing for an active addict, just running from drink to drink.
Ice cream, Netflix. For what it's worth, I hate this holiday, my pets hate this holiday, and every year we just hunker down and wait for the noise and stupidity to be over, so you're not alone!
He avoided calling his CHILDREN because it hurt his tender little feelings. Poor, poor baby...here's a thought, WHAT ABOUT HOW HIS KIDS FELT?
Sweetie, reality check time. You don't know that he's spending the holiday having a great time, more likely he's scrounging for money to stay wasted and has projectile vomiting to look forward to. Try to stop envisioning this magical golden life he now has while you're suffering...ain't no such of a thing for an active addict, just running from drink to drink.
Ice cream, Netflix. For what it's worth, I hate this holiday, my pets hate this holiday, and every year we just hunker down and wait for the noise and stupidity to be over, so you're not alone!
He also got laid off last week from the job he had for 16 years and had to take out a loan to pay me money he owed me back...so you are probably right about him just being a 33 year old drunk not a happy in love life watching the fireworks
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Originally Posted by dandylion
YES!!
Kaya....have you ever been aro und or seen anyone who had a major loss...like the death of a family member or maybe, a pet...?
dandylion
Kaya....have you ever been aro und or seen anyone who had a major loss...like the death of a family member or maybe, a pet...?
dandylion
i haven't been around many people who have lost love ones... i have learned however that in my life in general I don't allow myself to relax very often. I have always judged myself for not having a productive day. I had surgery on my inner ear a few years ago and was on bed rest for 3 days and I remember feeling relived in a sense..like life could stop for a minute. I have to give myself what I need right now and i have never been that could at that...
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Party girls are nothing but enablers. Drinking and having fun is just him numbing his pain. Trust me, he's hurting too. He just has his own way of covering it up. My xabf posted all these songs on his fb about a broken man with a drinking problem who lost his love. Then he went to the bar with a couple enabler women and seemed like he was having the time of his life. They can't deal with reality. It's why they drink. Their best friend is the bottle. No one can compete with that. We are dealing with our feelings the right way. They aren't. Try not to focus on what he may or may not be doing. I know it's hard Bc I kept stalking his fb until I blocked it. Focus on you, the most important one.
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Here's another idea...maybe try spending some time surfing through the Friends and Family of Alcoholics thread and see where you could have ended up? There are really lovely people here who spent decades getting beaten down and beaten up (sometimes literally) by trying to love their addicts to health. They got sicker and sicker along with them, instead.
Romancing the drunk is like romancing the drink...reading the stories of those who have been where you are and where you could have ended up might help you stop doing that?
Romancing the drunk is like romancing the drink...reading the stories of those who have been where you are and where you could have ended up might help you stop doing that?
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
Here's another idea...maybe try spending some time surfing through the Friends and Family of Alcoholics thread and see where you could have ended up? There are really lovely people here who spent decades getting beaten down and beaten up (sometimes literally) by trying to love their addicts to health. They got sicker and sicker along with them, instead.
Romancing the drunk is like romancing the drink...reading the stories of those who have been where you are and where you could have ended up might help you stop doing that?
Romancing the drunk is like romancing the drink...reading the stories of those who have been where you are and where you could have ended up might help you stop doing that?
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Originally Posted by LovelyKaya33333
i haven't been around many people who have lost love ones... i have learned however that in my life in general I don't allow myself to relax very often. I have always judged myself for not having a productive day. I had surgery on my inner ear a few years ago and was on bed rest for 3 days and I remember feeling relived in a sense..like life could stop for a minute. I have to give myself what I need right now and i have never been that could at that...
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If I could just know that I was worth fighting for....
oh you are and you're going to have to go to battle for YOURSELF first. and then one day, someone else who also has true WORTH, not just shiny outsides and can coo like a dove, they will desire to help you slay your dragons.....or at least hold them while you run for help!!! lol
however you choose to spend your day is exactly and precisely up to you. there is nothing wrong with schlepping around in jammies all day....i know this because i MADE that rule!!! you can break up the monotony by alternating between the couch and the bed, just to keep it lively. and tomorrow you will find out that the world kept spinning on it's axis, the sun rose and set, the tides ebbed and flowed, and it all happened without you on watch. that is humbling and freeing......
if you really want to envision him on some yacht in the carribean with smokin' hot supermodels in bikinis drinking magnums of Dom, well you can do that to, i guess.........
oh you are and you're going to have to go to battle for YOURSELF first. and then one day, someone else who also has true WORTH, not just shiny outsides and can coo like a dove, they will desire to help you slay your dragons.....or at least hold them while you run for help!!! lol
however you choose to spend your day is exactly and precisely up to you. there is nothing wrong with schlepping around in jammies all day....i know this because i MADE that rule!!!
you can break up the monotony by alternating between the couch and the bed, just to keep it lively. and tomorrow you will find out that the world kept spinning on it's axis, the sun rose and set, the tides ebbed and flowed, and it all happened without you on watch. that is humbling and freeing......if you really want to envision him on some yacht in the carribean with smokin' hot supermodels in bikinis drinking magnums of Dom, well you can do that to, i guess.........
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thank you guys.... I think I need to write down a list
I need to write down a list of all of the inconsistencies and bizarre behavior that I was so willing to look past when I "was in love".... That may help me sort out some stuff
1. His ex wife left him "out of the blue" after having a 2 year long affair and took his 5 and 7 year old across the country to live with another man. He went there and confronted her and caused a scene but never took the kids back with him or called the authorities ... He went to court and ended up getting 50/50 custody which meant she had to move back here... but the whole process took a year ... I never understood why or how he could've let her have them in a different state being raised by a man he never met for a whole year ( he flew them out 3 times )
2. He was willing to argue and fight with me in front of his kids
3. He deleted all the texts between him and his ex wife after I looked in his phone.
4. He told me he knew he was an alcoholic and that drinking would kill him.. then he would quit for 2 weeks go to one AA meeting and start drinking again. When I would hold him accountable he would say that I was controlling.
5. He told me he didn't want to be responsible for anyones feelings...which really relayed to me as "I don't want to be held accountable for the promises I make"
6. He asked if we could be friends with benefits just hours after we broke up
7. He moved his ex wife into the home we created just 4 days after we broke up and I moved out
8. He wrote my pet name in the notes section of the check he gave me 2 weeks after we broke up and had hardly had any contact...
9. After not spending almost an entire year with his children that he "said he loved more than anything" .... He is going out for 4th of July weekend. Now granted his ex wife seemingly wants nothing to do with him and said she wanted the kids for 4th of July weekend. But why on gods green earth would you let the woman who stole your children from you for a year take them for a holiday weekend?
10. He could say he was "working on his sobriety" with a beer in his hand
11. He made fun of me for using the word boundaries ...like literally would mock me
12. I saw a text between him and his guy friend where he said that "at least I help with the bills and know my place now"( this was within days after he broke up with me and begged for me back)
13. he thought it was ok when he had a night job to sleep from 8 am to noon while his 5 and 8 year old were in the living room without supervision... This seemed odd to me... he would say "they are good kids and will come wake me up when they need something" Meanwhile one of the nights when I came home from work he was asleep in our bedroom and had been since 3 pm and it was 6:30 pm..the kids hadn't been showered and were hungry. The house was a disaster ... I fed them...cleaned... got them showered and ready for bed...read them a bedtime story etc... and when I confronted him about it and said if I was going to play a mother role to his children the least I needed was him to be a boyfriend to me and he said "It is an adjustment and that this is all day everyday and said ....are you sure you are ready to be a stepmom?" I felt like it was mocking me and rude esp since he didn't do MOST of the work in the total of 7 weeks we had them together... I was willing to be hs kids stepmom because I really cared for them but I had needs too and they weren't being met ....
There are a bunch more... but thank you for listening
1. His ex wife left him "out of the blue" after having a 2 year long affair and took his 5 and 7 year old across the country to live with another man. He went there and confronted her and caused a scene but never took the kids back with him or called the authorities ... He went to court and ended up getting 50/50 custody which meant she had to move back here... but the whole process took a year ... I never understood why or how he could've let her have them in a different state being raised by a man he never met for a whole year ( he flew them out 3 times )
2. He was willing to argue and fight with me in front of his kids
3. He deleted all the texts between him and his ex wife after I looked in his phone.
4. He told me he knew he was an alcoholic and that drinking would kill him.. then he would quit for 2 weeks go to one AA meeting and start drinking again. When I would hold him accountable he would say that I was controlling.
5. He told me he didn't want to be responsible for anyones feelings...which really relayed to me as "I don't want to be held accountable for the promises I make"
6. He asked if we could be friends with benefits just hours after we broke up
7. He moved his ex wife into the home we created just 4 days after we broke up and I moved out
8. He wrote my pet name in the notes section of the check he gave me 2 weeks after we broke up and had hardly had any contact...
9. After not spending almost an entire year with his children that he "said he loved more than anything" .... He is going out for 4th of July weekend. Now granted his ex wife seemingly wants nothing to do with him and said she wanted the kids for 4th of July weekend. But why on gods green earth would you let the woman who stole your children from you for a year take them for a holiday weekend?
10. He could say he was "working on his sobriety" with a beer in his hand
11. He made fun of me for using the word boundaries ...like literally would mock me
12. I saw a text between him and his guy friend where he said that "at least I help with the bills and know my place now"( this was within days after he broke up with me and begged for me back)
13. he thought it was ok when he had a night job to sleep from 8 am to noon while his 5 and 8 year old were in the living room without supervision... This seemed odd to me... he would say "they are good kids and will come wake me up when they need something" Meanwhile one of the nights when I came home from work he was asleep in our bedroom and had been since 3 pm and it was 6:30 pm..the kids hadn't been showered and were hungry. The house was a disaster ... I fed them...cleaned... got them showered and ready for bed...read them a bedtime story etc... and when I confronted him about it and said if I was going to play a mother role to his children the least I needed was him to be a boyfriend to me and he said "It is an adjustment and that this is all day everyday and said ....are you sure you are ready to be a stepmom?" I felt like it was mocking me and rude esp since he didn't do MOST of the work in the total of 7 weeks we had them together... I was willing to be hs kids stepmom because I really cared for them but I had needs too and they weren't being met ....
There are a bunch more... but thank you for listening
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Oh, he's not a total nightmare...he'd have to improve to reach that level...
And I'd bet SERIOUS MONEY that "two-year affair" bla bla about his ex is a big old case of deflection or just plain making stuff up because it makes him sound ever-so saintly and pitiable. If she really was that bad, why is it he's moving her in again?
Keep making this list. And keep reading it, okay?
Sending you a hug.
And I'd bet SERIOUS MONEY that "two-year affair" bla bla about his ex is a big old case of deflection or just plain making stuff up because it makes him sound ever-so saintly and pitiable. If she really was that bad, why is it he's moving her in again?
Keep making this list. And keep reading it, okay?
Sending you a hug.
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^^^...Yes, keep that list with you for reference at all times!
In a course that I had, it was said that in the early romantic attraction phase, a person is as close to a drug altered state as one can get by natural means....
That it affects and alters the way a person looks at everything.....
sort of like chemical rose-colored glasses...
the chemicals are actually hormones that are released and mediated by the pituitary gland, in the brain....
Perhaps, this is why these things were n ot so alarming, to you, when they were happening....
This whole area of life that has to do with coupling and reproductive areas (nesting, etc.) are powerful forces and don't always involve the higher cognitive areas of the brain......
Maybe, this can give some perspective, also....
We are all human....(I think....lol...).
dandylion
In a course that I had, it was said that in the early romantic attraction phase, a person is as close to a drug altered state as one can get by natural means....
That it affects and alters the way a person looks at everything.....
sort of like chemical rose-colored glasses...
the chemicals are actually hormones that are released and mediated by the pituitary gland, in the brain....
Perhaps, this is why these things were n ot so alarming, to you, when they were happening....
This whole area of life that has to do with coupling and reproductive areas (nesting, etc.) are powerful forces and don't always involve the higher cognitive areas of the brain......
Maybe, this can give some perspective, also....
We are all human....(I think....lol...).
dandylion
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 216
Kaya,
Your post caught my attention as I am in a similar frame of mind and just wanted to come and give you good thoughts and tell you to hang in there. Our roles are reversed in the M/F way (I have an AXGF) but similar feelings, so I wanted you to know you are not alone and I think this is just what personality types like yours and mine go through.
You're trying to reason why you don't have the addiction yet you feel all the pain and the person with the addiction is having all the fun. I know what you mean. It doesn't sound fair. The only thing I can say is life isn't all fun and games for you or me, and it certainly can't be for them either.
I'm not a non-drinker, though my days of drinking excessively in social situations are are long over -- Because I remember how I felt the day after. There were days I couldn't get out of bed and didn't want to because of the overwhelming feeling of taking it to far the day before. Can you imagine what your BF must feel on those days, at those times? He has to live with his addiction, depression, and the fact he lost a great girl and a wonderful relationship to his addiction. And then, he goes back to the bottle to deal with all that pain.
I have no doubt you are a great catch even though you are questioning it and I question it about myself right now. People like me and you just picked the wrong people and we're having trouble letting go of it despite knowing we have to.
Hugs!
Your post caught my attention as I am in a similar frame of mind and just wanted to come and give you good thoughts and tell you to hang in there. Our roles are reversed in the M/F way (I have an AXGF) but similar feelings, so I wanted you to know you are not alone and I think this is just what personality types like yours and mine go through.
You're trying to reason why you don't have the addiction yet you feel all the pain and the person with the addiction is having all the fun. I know what you mean. It doesn't sound fair. The only thing I can say is life isn't all fun and games for you or me, and it certainly can't be for them either.
I'm not a non-drinker, though my days of drinking excessively in social situations are are long over -- Because I remember how I felt the day after. There were days I couldn't get out of bed and didn't want to because of the overwhelming feeling of taking it to far the day before. Can you imagine what your BF must feel on those days, at those times? He has to live with his addiction, depression, and the fact he lost a great girl and a wonderful relationship to his addiction. And then, he goes back to the bottle to deal with all that pain.
I have no doubt you are a great catch even though you are questioning it and I question it about myself right now. People like me and you just picked the wrong people and we're having trouble letting go of it despite knowing we have to.
Hugs!
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