sauerkraut

I left my STBXAH last November; since then he's been doing sobriety monitoring every other week while he has our kids. He seems so much more sane lately that I thought maybe he was finally getting sober for real.

And then today while picking up our kids I saw a half-empty bottle of tequila stuck behind books in my old office. I wasn't really snooping; it was just there.

My heart sank. It's like getting kicked in the stomach all over again, even though I thought I'd given up long ago. I thought I didn't care; I've accepted that I can't control or change him, but I'm still so sad. I even know from reading the alcoholics' board here that it's not about me or our family; it's about him and his addiction. Still, it just hurts.

How do you deal with this? When does it go away?

LexieCat

I think it must be pretty difficult to completely detach when you have to maintain contact for the sake of the kids.

I guess I'd just suggest working on acceptance. He's not there--not yet, anyway. Keep doing what you need to do to protect your kids, and assume--until it is proven otherwise--that he will continue to drink. IOW, stop watching to see if he's changed.

sauerkraut

Yes, Lexie, good advice. My friend pointed out that it's better that I saw what I saw, so I don't delude myself and give up my vigilance in terms of protecting our children. You're right; assume he hasn't changed unless and until he shows me otherwise. (Guess that's why I got disappointed; from his recent sanity, I thought he had changed.)

Katchie

I do the same thing tho I can say without a shadow of a doubt I'm over him. He left me 1yr and 7mo ago, but I still can feel disappointed when I can tell he's been drinking the few times I see him. It is sad and why wouldn't it be when we've created a family with these people? Yeah, I am over it/him, but the sting of sadness and sometimes disappointment is still there at what should have been. I think over time the type of sadness and the type of disappointment changes. I'm not sure what to call it though, but its from a detached perspective like looking in from the outside I guess and less like a punch in the gut. Mostly I feel bad for my sons. Maybe I would feel differently had we not had children together.

maia1234

SK,
I am sorry it hurts. I find when I have any contact with AXH, it pushes my progress back wards. My kids are older so I can choose not to have contact, you are not so lucky. Count your blessings that the hell you were living in with him, hasn't changed for him, but it has for you.

Keep on your path of detaching and giving him to God, that's all you can do.

Liveitwell

Yeah, oh man do I remember those days and feelings. It was like getting punched in the gut. It's like we look for some small ray of light and when they act (ACT) normal for even a day of two we think, ha! They've changed! Unfortunately they are actors and it never lasts until they find recovery. Keep going momma. You are doing well and you and your kids are much better off and have a good life. Him, not so much-still enslaved. Pray for him-that's the best thing you can do.

Acceptance is the answer to your problems. I'm over my ex as well only by accepting fully who he truly is. That was my answer all along.

Hugs and peace to you.

sauerkraut

Thanks for the words of encouragement and advice. I wish I could go no contact with him, but that's not going to be possible for a long time as our youngest is only 9. Also the divorce process seems like it's going to drag on for about the rest of my life. And yes, I get pangs for the life that I thought we could have had and the father I thought my kids had, but you're right, at least I'm no longer stuck on the crazy roller coaster. I can take seeing that bottle today as reminder of how awful it was to live on that crazy train, day after day and year after year. It's a good reality cure for the nostalgia that I still apparently feel. Thanks, all.

Carol Star

"expectations are planned resentments"