LovelyKaya33333

Hi everyone,

So my exAB dropped off a check for me to my best friends house. He owed me money from the deposit from our apartment. He sat with her and told her that he meant every word he said to me when we were together about loving me etc. Him and I haven't seen each other in 2 weeks and have had virtually no contact. I felt ok with their conversation. He said that he is "working on his sobriety" but isn't in any therapy or program. He is also going partying for the weekend with his party friends... that drink and do cocaine occasionally. Not that it matters and not that it is my business anymore but it did give me a sense of relief that I am no longer living with him or sleeping with him or talking to him. I still have anxiety knowing he is out partying over 4th of July weekend. I hate those drinking party type weekends... Anyway so I went to go deposit the check and in the "notes section" of the check where you write what it is for he wrote "baby bird"... that was his pet name for me... my heart sunk... I want to call him out on it... I went for a run and worked on step one in the alanon book. I have a meeting with my sponsor from alanon in 2 hours and I am really needing it... When I went to therapy a few years ago for dating a sociopath I learned that this type of behavior is called "hovering" that he is trying to get me to react so that he has power... I had to text him about when I could deposit the check so I just wrote "Thank you for dropping off the check I will deposit it next week" and he wrote "you can deposit it today if you want" and I wrote "cool thanks"... thats all... other than that no contact .... I want to scream though... being strong sucks... thank goodness i have a meeting with my sponsor soon

dandylion

****...go ahead and scream!
Thank god you are not sill in the middle of the partying and drinking weekends.....you would be in misery there......
Every communication such as this is fresh pain.....

I am so sorry that you are going through this...

dandylion

LovelyKaya33333

I literally feel like I am going to have a panic attack right now... I am nauseated

August252015

Sounds like you have a good plan for dealing with how you are feeling and all that just happened! Good luck and really take in the time with your sponsor. I know it helps me a lot.

You are on the right path!

LexieCat

Oh, please, putting a pet name on your check? What a creep. I mean it. That is flat-out manipulation. He was TRYING to think of a way to get under your skin.

See it for what it is, and don't take the bait. Don't call him out on it.

Why text him to find out when you can deposit it? The date on the check is the day you can deposit it. Writing back checks, knowing you don't have the money in the account, is actually a criminal offense.

This is why ANY contact is a bad idea. I'm glad you got your money, and glad you are meeting with your sponsor. Try to forget about what he's up to this weekend, and consider celebrating your OWN independence.

Bekindalways

That really sucks LK. Good for you for going for a run.

The world would be a better place if more folks did what you are doing but DAMN is it hard! Stay strong and keep posting beautiful person!

Liveitwell

Bleh....seriously. I'm nauseated reading this!! Classic hoovering and manipulation to regain control bc he's losing control over you. Keep moving on with no contact if possible. Your wel being is worth it-YOU are worth it and deserve so much more than this creep. He's a creep!

sauerkraut

LK,
You aren't a baby bird; you're a grown up swan.

LovelyKaya33333

After my run and before my meeting with my sponsor I ended up folding... I just wrote "you wrote my pet name on the check lol?" and he wrote a smiley face and I wrote "nutty" and he wrote "my whole life is nutty right now" and than he told me he saw me running today. I wrote back and said "I bet its nutty, thats what happens when you break up with your amazing and lovely girlfriend and move your ex wife into the house" and he goes "I knew you couldn't resist saying that" and i go " hindsights 20/20"...

That was it... so I folded but at least I didn't turn into a puddle. After that I met with my sponsor ....we ended up meeting for 3 hours and had a really amazing meeting. I finished step one ( I had been working on it for 3 weeks) and started on step 2...we did a lot of journaling... she had to take a call for 15 minutes in the middle and i meditated and prayed in her backyard and I had my very first moment of total calm peace for like 15 minutes... I felt present... my tummy relaxed... I even ate a whole piece of pizza... I came home to my new apartment and for the first time i didn't feel total dread... It was a good step for me today. I have an alanon meeting on Sunday and Yoga Therapy on Monday followed by a 4th of July BBQ at my sponsors house... safe places for now... I was disappointed I even texted but I am happy I didn't go into an emotional spiral....

LeeJane

"Baby bird", my backside! What a manipulator!

They keep you on the back burner, just in case they need someone to come back to!

caretaker88

As far as breaking your "no-contact", just forgive yourself and move on. Recognize that what he is doing is pure manipulation; it is not love. He obviously doesn't respect you. If he did, he would respect your space and privacy, which includes contacting your friends. Also, WTF??? He saw you running???? That is PSYCHO!!!!

Ariesagain

He only knows "love" as a means to an end. He does not know that real love is more about giving than taking. You hear him say "love" and think he defines the word the way you do, the kind of love you gave him...but he doesn't know how and never will.

No new contact = no new hurt.

dandylion

Ariesagain......I think that is a good point...something that we can so easily fall into....I know I have....
Thinking that others perceive or define a certain thing the same way that we do

Lots of food for thought on that one.....