HopingForCure

Just read this on Humans of New York on Facebook

“We weren’t poor or street. I came from a really good family. I had good examples all around me. My mother worked hard. My grandmother worked hard. I was an honor roll student at a military academy. I even graduated college with a degree in African American Studies. But I had already gotten into crack by the time I graduated, and things went downhill pretty fast. I lost jobs. I lost marriages. I went to rehab so many times. It took me twenty years to quit. But the whole time I battled my addiction, at least I had something positive to look back on. I had knowledge of myself before everything turned negative. And I think that’s why I was finally able to quit. I had a positive place to go back to. For a lot of the addicts I knew, there was nothing but negative behind them."

This is very confusing. The intention with which we stay with our alcoholic loved ones is so we can give them hope. We sacrifice day in and day out so that they have support. But every expert out there calls us co dependent and enablers. They say that an addict has to hit his or her rock bottom for them to recover. How does one provide a positive environment yet not be an enabler? How does one provide hope yet let the addict hit their rock bottom?

misskittyc4321

How to provide hope? By making his life look the opposite as the life that drove him to drink. He drank and used pills because he was lonely, stuck in a dead-end job, felt he had accomplished nothing in life. I helped him move cities, change careers, climb the ladder, build his credit, buy a house, and had 2 children with him. I scheduled zoo trips and fun activities that would require him to wake up early and be sober. While doing all this, I know his drinking was off and on. But I stopped lecturing and pleading. Just kept making plans for the future. I thought he could cling to the positive changes we'd already made together and use that as a lifeline for brighter things to come. It didn't work for me. His rock bottom was death.

AnvilheadII

you may be misinterpreting - and remember this is the opinion of ONE addict. notice he doesn't say that any loved one INTERVENED or INTERFERED or tried to put themselves between him and his addiction. only that he recalls a positive experience growing up BEFORE addiction took hold.

it is not the job of the partner/spouse to stay with them to give them hope. to clean up after them. to force them to sober up. or to continually put our own lives on hold HOPING they will recognize our value and our contributions. we are not trophies or prizes held up to say SEE what you can have if your choose Door #3???

addicts need to find their own way. and there is usually a wide swatch of destruction left in their wake. loved ones are often collateral damage.

FireSprite

That's the way I read it as well - that having experienced happiness/ positive living he was fully aware that it existed & could be attained vs. someone who does not have that same point of reference. He understood it to be more than a vague possibility.

The best way *I* helped my husband in his recovery process was to step aside & give him the dignity of making his own decisions & dealing with his own consequences. "letting him fall" was the best gift I could give both of us.

knowthetriggers

^^This just happened to me and I didn't even realize it. I was so distracted with my teen and her issues that my RAH made his own decisions to detox and now scheduling his own appointments.

dandylion

HopingforCure.....the way I see it...is that an adult romantic relationship is not exactly the same as childhood relationships. It is between two equals in a partnership...
In the child's world...the primary experiences come from being (age appropriately) dependent on caretaker figures and institutions. Together, these provide a consistent, safe and nurturing environment....which allows for the development of self esteem and a healthy self image....allows for good personality development.....
If the adult looks for these exact things in their adult partnering---it is a recipe for disaster,,,because it would necessitate an adult-child relationship!
The adult relationship is intended (by MN,,Mother Nature) to build a future based on the foundation that has already been laid during the developmental years.....
Now, many times, that foundation was not laid solidly (for a myriad of possible reasons)....and the adult has to work to compensate for this in the adult world....by h ard work.....some seem able to do this...and, others, not so much.....

Now, I think that is possible for an adult to give another person non-enabling support that can be helpful.....
We have the empirical evidence of millions of wrecked relationships that demonstrate that being a mother figure does not do the trick......

anyhow...this is how I look at this question....

dandylion