Elyse16

This weekend, I was supposed to visit xabf (plans we made when still together). I came home from work yesterday and just broke down in tears. They wouldn't stop. I just hugged my dog and cried in his fur. Word is he's hanging at the bars (expensive ones - he's broke and needs to file bankruptcy) with the women friends he lied to me about. So I'm sure he's feeling no pain. Just numbing it with booze and other women. This isn't new. We broke up once before and he did the same thing and admitted that's what he was doing. I found some old emails after our first breakup. They were letters of regret about how he let his life fall apart Bc of booze and how much I meant to him. He ended it saying he missed me and he confided in friends how empty his life has been without me and that he saw his doctor and was going to therapy. The last line of his email said 'regardless of what you think, you meant a lot to me and still do. In the end, you deserve to be happy and that's all I want for you. To know I have caused you such distress and was the reason for our breakup, makes me physically ill.' This was from two years ago. I cried and cried. And that email made me cave and contact him two years ago. I have always felt it was sincere and written in a sober moment. And when we got back together, he was clearer and sober and doing the right things. Somewhere along the way, he slipped and hid it well. Though I did have suspicions. My biggest fear is getting another email. Or a text. He already reached out with random daily stuff last week about his son but also followed up with 'if you prefer no contact, I understand.' Of which I didn't answer either message. I know he's boozing it up pretty good right now so I don't expect to hear anything more. But I know it's coming and will I be strong enough to not cave if it's full of change? I know some of you are recovering alcoholics and you made the change. That's what I'm afraid of. Deep down I know the best for me going forward is to never see or talk to him again. No more chances. I feel stronger some days and weak on others. And I'm hoping with time, I just get stronger. After all, the strongest thing I've done so far was end it with no contact. I'm hoping that one day if and when he does get sober that he will just know he shouldn't contact me. I don't need the letter of apology anymore. I just need to move on.

Thanks, as always, for listening. I love this group.

Elyse

hopeful4

It's natural for us to want an apology when we are wronged. However, when dealing with an addict, just remember, when they do apologize a lot of times it's simply manipulation to get you to do what they want you to do. And sometimes you don't get one at all (see my signature).

No contact means just that, no contact, at all. Block him so he cannot send you anything to temp you. Stop trying to find out what he is up to b/c in reality, it does not matter. It's his life to destroy or not. You just need to focus on YOU.

Hugs.

firebolt

(((Elyse))))

You seem to be very accepting of how things are. Peace and strength to you! The waves get farther and fewer in between.

Kboys

((((Elyse)))))
It is hard... so hard, but you've made the right decision and you know it.
You will get stronger! and it will get easier, one day at a time. Just keep going.