LovelyKaya33333

I went to the beach this evening at sunset. I went with a friend and we sat on the lifeguard tower... I laughed a little... I immediately thought of my ex AB but maybe just for a minute or 10 seconds I felt free... free of my daily thoughts. I was depressed today... most of the day. I was also honest about it most of the day. I let myself cry when I needed to. I went grocery shopping for the first time in my new apartment. I found out through my bets friend that my exAB had been laid off of work ( he had been there 16 years).... His ex-wife that he moved in to our new home only 4 days after we broke up (only 2 weeks ago) has never worked. I contributed finally equally. Part of me that thinks I know him (or the fantasy of who he showed me he was) felt sad for him... The other part of me felt like...well thats karma I guess... I am excited to get to a place of indifference...but today I laughed even if it was just for 10 seconds and even if I did cry on and off most of the day... I made it to important work meetings... I went grocery shopping and I laughed ... Things that used to be so easy and everyday ...I gave me a very small sense of hope that I would come out of this on the other side...but it gave me a little hope. Thank you again for everyone here

LexieCat

There ya go... that's what I've been talking about. It won't get all better right away, but little by little things will improve. Enjoy those moments!

maia1234

Kaya,
So happy to hear you had a few smiles yesterday. That beats the no smiles the day before. It s horrible to say but you do have to feel the pain to move forward, you aren't an addict who drinks his pain away. It is hard to say, but this pain is what will make you move forward, part of God's plan. I am sorry it hurts so bad.

Count your blessings, you have a good job, a roof over your head, food on the table, people who love you on sr!!! You have a lot more then most my friend! This year's independence day will have a more powerful meaning this year, take it and run with it. Sending hugs that you have 2 more smiles today then you had yesterday.

hope778

Kaya - That is precisely it. You will continue to be surprised with intermittent moments of peace and sincere enjoyment. If you are like me, those moments come with conscious thought of "wow, I just laughed and kindof enjoyed it." These moment will string together more and more over time. Be patient. Continue to cry when you need to because you will need to.

Sidenote: Your ex is now in a position to have to figure out his life for himself. He needs to. As an adult, he must. Same with my AH. Telling him he has to leave has been the only thing that has promoted him making any progress.

But, anyways, focus on you.

firebolt

I'm glad you got some clarity today. It is so hard, but this is your chance to emerge healthier and happier than ever. Peace to you!

dontthinktwice

Kayla -
I , like all of us, read your posts and feel for you and your pain.
AND realize that no matter what we say...you are going to be where you are right now.
But...as simplistic as this is...
Perhaps try and at least a bit each day ....SEE yourself in the future...1 year...5 years...
Try and really transport yourself there.
Because the absolute reality is...that when you are someday there..EVERYTHING you feel right now....you will see from a different lens.
It will (if you even call it up) be just ONE rung in your life's ladder.
AND ...when you are happy with someone and have the relationship and family
you want....this will only serve as part of the process of being more full...more wise...and more ABLE to actually find that in your life.

You are ascribing 500 lbs of anxiety ...to what someday...will not even make you blink at the memory.