Perhaps the worst thing I heard from my exh
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
Oh Amy!! I can totally relate and I'm so sorry that you had to hear that from someone who you put your trust and faith into.
My XAH said a lot of things that were awful when it came to sex. He was jealous of our son. He called me frigid more times than I could keep track of. He once said that he thought I would call him a rapist every single time we had sex for the 20 years we were married, just because I was a rape victim when I was 19. I remember sharing that here a few years ago on SR. They are sick, they are victims, they are not rational. You can't expect rational from an irrational person.
Yet, I still hear his voice in my head sometimes. There were some really personal things he said to me that I can't share here and they were super hurtful and still affect my sex life today.
I found a good man and sex is not the number 1 priority to him in our relationship. We actually sat down and talked about this last week and he pulled out the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" and we went over what was most important to both of us. His most important 'need' is a companion to do things with, to spend time with, to participate in hobbies and events with, etc. Sex comes in 2nd or 3rd for him. That was hard for me to understand because I was so used to my XAH and his immature view of sex and relationships, in general. Please don't give up hope on men. Hugs to you today!
My XAH said a lot of things that were awful when it came to sex. He was jealous of our son. He called me frigid more times than I could keep track of. He once said that he thought I would call him a rapist every single time we had sex for the 20 years we were married, just because I was a rape victim when I was 19. I remember sharing that here a few years ago on SR. They are sick, they are victims, they are not rational. You can't expect rational from an irrational person.
Yet, I still hear his voice in my head sometimes. There were some really personal things he said to me that I can't share here and they were super hurtful and still affect my sex life today.
I found a good man and sex is not the number 1 priority to him in our relationship. We actually sat down and talked about this last week and he pulled out the book, "His Needs, Her Needs" and we went over what was most important to both of us. His most important 'need' is a companion to do things with, to spend time with, to participate in hobbies and events with, etc. Sex comes in 2nd or 3rd for him. That was hard for me to understand because I was so used to my XAH and his immature view of sex and relationships, in general. Please don't give up hope on men. Hugs to you today!
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 158
The thing that has helped me the most re my xabf´s abuse was to assume that everything he said was aimed at making me feel bad - not necesarily something that he really believed. It was very hurtful for example when he would look at me with disgust when I was naked - at my most vulnerable - and tell me I was putting on weight. At the same time, I knew it wasn´t true because I actually lost weight (due to stress) since I became involved with him, so it was pretty easy not to believe him. The thing that hurt was that he would deliberately try to make me feel insecure about myself, never mind that it was the wrong way to do it. At the same time, once I understood his intentions, it was much easier to get angry and defend myself. The worst thing you can do is believe them!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by madgirl 
As an alcoholic woman in recovery, may I please gently point out that these abusive behaviors described in this thread are not the sole result of alcohol consumption?
I isolated and cried alot when drinking, but I also was working full time, cleaning the house, doing all the laundry, work travel etc. If anything, I did whatever I could to avoid confrontation - not start them. My objective was to disappear.
Some of the people described in this thread are bullies, abusers - who were disinhibited to be exactly who they really are (bullies and abusers) by the alcohol.
I isolated and cried alot when drinking, but I also was working full time, cleaning the house, doing all the laundry, work travel etc. If anything, I did whatever I could to avoid confrontation - not start them. My objective was to disappear.
Some of the people described in this thread are bullies, abusers - who were disinhibited to be exactly who they really are (bullies and abusers) by the alcohol.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by bluelily
The thing that has helped me the most re my xabf´s abuse was to assume that everything he said was aimed at making me feel bad - not necesarily something that he really believed. It was very hurtful for example when he would look at me with disgust when I was naked - at my most vulnerable - and tell me I was putting on weight. At the same time, I knew it wasn´t true because I actually lost weight (due to stress) since I became involved with him, so it was pretty easy not to believe him. The thing that hurt was that he would deliberately try to make me feel insecure about myself, never mind that it was the wrong way to do it. At the same time, once I understood his intentions, it was much easier to get angry and defend myself. The worst thing you can do is believe them!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I hate to say that after I posted that, I got really sick for 2 days. Was in bed for that entire time, then went to friends for 4th of July. I actually thought this thread would have died out. I was surprised when I logged in today.
When I posted that, I wasn't in that good of a mood. I was dealing with my daughter, my sister, my cousin, and I had just had it with everything.
I started thinking about getting on with my own life, and that was the first thought that popped up in my head.
It's the reason that I am holding back from dating. That's the thing that pops up in my mind first.
There are many women and men that have been treated like this.
I hate statistics, but I will say that perhaps 2 % of abusers change. I think they mean people who admit they are abusive. Out of that 2%. zero woman change, they like to play the victim role.
I was actually surprised to see that I said that was the worst thing my ex said to me. There were many others that still stick with me and many that I have let go. There was the thing about my breast cancer and my lumpectomy, and how can any love you with you looking like that? (I have a tiny scar on my right breast which is one cup size smaller then my left side). He was pissed at me that I didn't get implants put in to make my B cup or near B cup to a D cup. He told me that I looked like a man.
I do know and I do recognize all of that stuff as emotional abuse. So dealing with the aftermath of my own cancer, breast and cervical, and all the put downs, I am afraid to be with another person. I had my own doubts to begin with, then with those coupled with 10 years of his remarks, it's like I would rather live with my cats......
I know this is irrational. I think in a way I posted this here because I know there are both woman here, and men here. This type of emotional abuse affects both.
I also can't leave out PD's. I do think a lot of the times that we do blame alcoholism for behaviors, when that behavior would really be there with or without the alcohol.
Would you believe when I posted that was the worst thing that he ever said to be, I actually thought I would hear of a lot worse things. It seems sometimes that we can actually forget the really worst things, and just focus on the one that affected us the most.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
PS....... I am glad that it got a discussion going here. It's a lot of things to think about, and a lot of healing to be done.
When I posted that, I wasn't in that good of a mood. I was dealing with my daughter, my sister, my cousin, and I had just had it with everything.
I started thinking about getting on with my own life, and that was the first thought that popped up in my head.
It's the reason that I am holding back from dating. That's the thing that pops up in my mind first.
There are many women and men that have been treated like this.
I hate statistics, but I will say that perhaps 2 % of abusers change. I think they mean people who admit they are abusive. Out of that 2%. zero woman change, they like to play the victim role.
I was actually surprised to see that I said that was the worst thing my ex said to me. There were many others that still stick with me and many that I have let go. There was the thing about my breast cancer and my lumpectomy, and how can any love you with you looking like that? (I have a tiny scar on my right breast which is one cup size smaller then my left side). He was pissed at me that I didn't get implants put in to make my B cup or near B cup to a D cup. He told me that I looked like a man.
I do know and I do recognize all of that stuff as emotional abuse. So dealing with the aftermath of my own cancer, breast and cervical, and all the put downs, I am afraid to be with another person. I had my own doubts to begin with, then with those coupled with 10 years of his remarks, it's like I would rather live with my cats......
I know this is irrational. I think in a way I posted this here because I know there are both woman here, and men here. This type of emotional abuse affects both.
I also can't leave out PD's. I do think a lot of the times that we do blame alcoholism for behaviors, when that behavior would really be there with or without the alcohol.
Would you believe when I posted that was the worst thing that he ever said to be, I actually thought I would hear of a lot worse things. It seems sometimes that we can actually forget the really worst things, and just focus on the one that affected us the most.
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))
amy
PS....... I am glad that it got a discussion going here. It's a lot of things to think about, and a lot of healing to be done.
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