Perhaps the worst thing I heard from my exh

Old 07-01-2016, 12:12 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
"A woman is just a support system for a c***."

It's been over thirty years since I've seen or talked to him, but certain phrases live on. I get it.

Mostly I regret that I never once fought back...when he and his creepy friends talked like that, I just took it.

Remember, though that living well is the best revenge.

Sending you a hug.
Ariesagain is offline  
Old 07-01-2016, 12:15 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ I heard that too, sue. Time and time again. So damaged me to my core but fought my way back. He ain't worth it.

Aries-yep, been there with the creepy family and friend conversations...disgusted. If you want to know where my ex got his trashy low morals, look no further than the family portrait of his FOO and those select friends he shows his true self to. Truly. I did start fighting back and that's when my exs abuse really escalated. Awful that those words stick with you...and nothing takes them away. Time does lessen the sting.

Amy-your ex is not worth you spending one more second on him. You are going to be ok!!! And that voice will fade...it will!
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 07-01-2016, 02:07 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Midwest
Posts: 367
Mine would make jokes about trading me in for a newer model.

Then he cheated on me.

He also once told me that "all pu****s feel the same." He didn't treat me at ALL the way I needed/deserved, in any area of our relationship. All he cared about was himself, his beer, and his drugs. And I put up with it for 15 YEARS. Yuck.

Good riddance to bad rubbish, I say. We're all so much better off without them!
TropicalWinter is offline  
Old 07-01-2016, 03:25 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Katchie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Central USA
Posts: 1,478
Hi sweet friend...it's been a while.

I hear you, it's scary. It's ok to still be in healing mode. I am too. Just be careful to not lump all men in the same drunk boat because they aren't all the same -- thank God for that!

Take your time. Keep healing and working on you and all those issues and ugly words that pop into your head because they're not true. I'm proof...I'm still dating Mr Harley and quite happy. Trust is an off and on issue, not because he's ever done anything untrustworthy, but because that is what I've become accustomed to over the years living with an addict. It will change for us both, so chin up!! Don't let your ex and all the lies he spewed for so long rob you of the future happiness you deserve.

Hugs to you, Amy!
Katchie is offline  
Old 07-01-2016, 03:45 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
It feels like being pecked to death- but they are good people with a bad disease-that can be arrested-
but never cured.......
Carol Star is offline  
Old 07-01-2016, 08:04 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ I agree but some are just bad people-has nothing to do with alcoholism. It has more to do with arrogabce and entitlement to treat a wife like property and degrade her...that is abuse.
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 07-01-2016, 08:37 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 16
My exAb used to say such awful things to me... similar to that. I still hear some of the things he said me months and months ago and it makes me cry. I truly think some alcoholics are narcissists or sociopaths...they seem to have a selfish nature and tendency toward lack of empathy for others. I have read articles saying that Narcis and socios are prone to addictive behavior.
Lonelyhearts2 is offline  
Old 07-01-2016, 08:43 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
^ totally accurate. Narcs and sociopaths have no enpathy. None. The substance abuse just masks a much larger problem-THE problem-a personality disorder. Alcoholism is just the tip of the iceberg for these types. Quite a few of us here are dealing with just that.
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 07-01-2016, 10:03 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 16
Yeah, For. And now I'm left wondering how I even got into this mess. I don't know how I got sucked into it. And why did I put up with all the lies and the insults? I'm out of the situation and haven't properly talked to him in 2 weeks but still feel so down about myself and the situation. (I know 2 weeks isn't a long time.. but I accepted months ago that it wasn't going to work out between us). I just can't believe people exist who lack such respect and empathy for others. It is just so depressing getting close to someone who disrespects and hurts you and doesn't care.

There were so many little insults like towards my appearance, clothes, intelligence.. So many things. He just wanted someone that he could belittle and hurt. I feel sick thinking about it and sick that I miss the "good" parts of him.
Lonelyhearts2 is offline  
Old 07-02-2016, 06:26 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Carol Star's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
and some "a's" were just "a-holes" before they were "a's"
Carol Star is offline  
Old 07-02-2016, 06:36 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
These so-called "men" that say these degrading things to and about women aren't "men" at all. They have not evolved into men and are still dragging their knuckles and have big foreheads and large sharp teeth. Don't allow these knuckle-draggers to trespass into the spaces in your mind. Not worth anyone's time or energy to be wasted on a mere knuckle-dragger
Refiner is offline  
Old 07-04-2016, 12:41 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by Kboys View Post
but I know what you mean...
Mine told me I will never be a "real woman" because I put the kids' needs before his needs.
Hi Kboys,

As a man, I experienced similar stuff from my female ex.

I was suffering situational depression which is also called an adjustment disorder or since 2013 "stress response syndrome". The doctor who diagnosed me, advised me that this was caused as a result of my ex's drinking and prescription medication abuse .

There is info about it here ...

Mental Health: Adjustment Disorder

Initially I intentionally did not tell my ex about that diagnosis, nor her family of origin, because I felt like at that point that such info would be used against me.

At one point, in the midst of a prescription medication combined with alcohol driven rage from her against me (the medication she was on should never be mixed with alcohol), I was in tears, completely overwhelmed by the situation, and I said to her "can you not see that I am completely overwhelmed by the situation with your drinking and terrified that you are going to die ?".

At that point, she launched into one of the most humiliating, belittling, personal and destructive attacks I have ever experienced in my life.

She started screaming at me "Stop crying ! You are not a real man !"

She then demanded angrily to know why I was having problems getting things done around the house - I had absolutely no energy to get things done.

Meanwhile her daily activities seemed to consist of drinking, yelling at me and making mess around the house, which I was expected to clean up. I was doing all the cooking, all the clothes washing etc and was the only one earning an income - it was like having an angry adult-sized toddler to look after.

The alcohol counsellor we had been talking to had asked that I come to some sessions with my ex, and the counsellor had let my ex know (with my permission) that there were neurological reasons that I was having problems - the counsellor knew about my diagnosis.

I said to my ex "Please. I am doing my absolute best - I feel completely emotionally and physically exhausted and I can barely get the energy to get myself out of bed each morning".

My ex replied coldly "Your best is not good enough" and kept pressing demanding to know why I was so exhausted etc.

So I sat my ex down and quietly spoke to her about my situational depression / adjustment disorder / stress response syndrome diagnosis, which up to that point she did not know about.

I had never felt so vulnerable telling her that - I felt deeply ashamed that I had succumbed to that problem. I was crying as I told her about it.

Her response floored me. She listened to what I had to say, seemed to be taking it in, took a breath, and then what can only be described as a look of pure rage filled her eyes, and she responded to me "you are a f--king a--hole".

She then launched into a rage that went on for over an hour, calling me every name you can imagine.

The absolute lack of any kind of empathy or compassion that alcoholics can display is absolutely staggering. It was "hijacking of the brain" in the worst possibly way, absolute destruction.

Something broke inside me that day. It took a lot of trust for me to open up to my ex and tell her about my diagnosis, to put aside my shame at succumbing to that problem, and it was like her alcohol hijacked brain just saw that vulnerability as a way to attack me and hurt me in the most humiliating and deeply personal way possible.

I saw this video a couple of days ago, titled "Be warned - Narcissistic rage (the devaluation begins)" and the phrase in it of "When you are a hammer, the world looks like a nail", immediately jumped out at me ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mj3mlQ0n2rQ

This video titled "Alcoholism, Addiction and Narcissism: A Toxic Cocktail That Destroys Lives" also has been very helpful ...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDwYskwHdDw
timetohealguy is offline  
Old 07-04-2016, 12:54 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by Carol Star View Post
and some "a's" were just "a-holes" before they were "a's"
This !

Originally Posted by Refiner View Post
These so-called "men" that say these degrading things to and about women aren't "men" at all. They have not evolved into men and are still dragging their knuckles and have big foreheads and large sharp teeth. Don't allow these knuckle-draggers to trespass into the spaces in your mind. Not worth anyone's time or energy to be wasted on a mere knuckle-dragger
Hi Refiner.

It is not just some alcoholic men who mentally and emotionally abuse and belittle their partners. Some alcoholic women do the same thing to their partners.

I am absolutely not trying to turn this into a "men vs women" debate, because it isn't.

The key point is to realise that this is neither "male behavior" nor "female behavior" - it is ALCOHOLIC behaviour, and as such it can affect both men and women, both as perpetrators of abuse and victims of abuse.

As a man subjected to abuse from my female ex, I was deeply deeply ashamed about that.

Perhaps this is one of those areas of men not wanting to talk about it - I know that the last thing I wanted to do was tell ANYONE how I was being abused by my ex. As a man, I found the belittling abuse deeply emasculating.

I'd wager that there are other men who have read this thread who have identified with the same feelings that the women who have posted in this thread have felt, but those men are too ashamed to post replies about their experience of this, so to any men reading this thread who are in that position, I encourage you to speak up - you are not alone, and both the men and the women on this forum are openminded enough to realise that this is an ALCOHOLIC behaviour problem that can affect both male and female alcoholics, and not simply a gender based problem.
timetohealguy is offline  
Old 07-04-2016, 01:20 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
^ totally accurate. Narcs and sociopaths have no enpathy. None. The substance abuse just masks a much larger problem-THE problem-a personality disorder. Alcoholism is just the tip of the iceberg for these types. Quite a few of us here are dealing with just that.
Hi Forourgirls,

You may be interested in the thread I just started named "Cluster B Personality Disorders, Borderline, Narcissism and alcohol" ...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...m-alcohol.html

I put it in a separate thread as I don't want to hijack the original topic of this thread.

I totally understand what you mean where you wrote "THE problem-a personality disorder".
timetohealguy is offline  
Old 07-04-2016, 01:35 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
I agree but some are just bad people-has nothing to do with alcoholism. It has more to do with arrogabce and entitlement to treat a wife like property and degrade her...that is abuse.
That is very true.

It is important to remember that not every alcohol abuser also abuses their partner. There are "happy drunks", but I think we hear less about them because their behaviour is less damaging to their family than that of the "angry / belligerent / abusive drunk".

It seems like it is the combination of arrogance, a sense of superiority, and entitlement that is expressed even more with the disinhibiting aspects of alcohol.

I saw many examples of arrogance, acting as if they were above other people, entitlement, a lack of normal boundaries and a lack of empathy in my ex and various members of my ex's family of origin (FOO).

So in her extremes of alcohol "enhanced" arrogance, sense of superiority, and entitlement, even if you removed the alcohol, there is a still a link in her attitudes to her FOO.

So it felt like a case of alcohol simply bringing out the worst parts of her attitude and personality, and multiplying them by 10.
timetohealguy is offline  
Old 07-04-2016, 02:07 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 16
Timetohealguy- Well, there are statistics and studies showing that men are more likely to become alcoholics- I can't post links, but there is an article on huffington post saying they're "twice as likely" as women to become alcoholics. You can try googling gendered alcoholic studies. For whatever reason, men, (as a gender, obviously not "all men") are just more prone to substance abuse/addiction.. So, that results in a lot of the people posting here being females who have dealt with an alcoholic male partner.. And being drunk can obviously impair someone's judgment so that abuse is more likely to occur.

With that said, I'm sorry you were abused by your ex. Men should not be belittled for crying or showing emotion. I'm glad that you say "ex". Hopefully you have kept away from her as she clearly is toxic. I can tell many people on this forum are compassionate, intelligent people who deserve better than being abused or dealing with the awful ******** that comes with being with an alcoholic.
Lonelyhearts2 is offline  
Old 07-04-2016, 04:16 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by Lonelyhearts2 View Post
Timetohealguy- Well, there are statistics and studies showing that men are more likely to become alcoholics- I can't post links, but there is an article on huffington post saying they're "twice as likely" as women to become alcoholics. You can try googling gendered alcoholic studies.
Hi Lonelyhearts2,

You are right about that. There is an article here about that ...

https://casapalmera.com/the-facts-ab...nd-alcoholism/


It gets more complicated as you dig into the data for substance abuse ...

NIDA NOTES - Gender Differences in Prevalence of Drug Abuse Traced to Opportunities to Use reads ...

--------
"According to the 1999 National Household Survey on Drug Abuse (NHSDA)-an annual Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration survey of more than 25,000 respondents-8.1 percent of males and 4.5 percent of females older than age 12 had used illicit drugs within the past month, and this ratio has remained fairly constant throughout the 29-year history of the survey.

Research by Dr. James Anthony, a NIDA-supported scientist at the Johns Hopkins University School of Hygiene and Public Health in Baltimore, shows that these gender differences in drug abuse are not related to gender differences in susceptibility. Instead, they have their foundation in the very first stage of drug involvement-the opportunity to use drugs. Once given the opportunity to use, males and females are equally likely to use drugs.

Dr. Anthony and his colleagues analyzed NHSDA data for 1993 to look for information that might explain the gender difference in rates of drug abuse. "Males are more likely than females to have an opportunity to use drugs. There is no male-female difference with respect to trying a drug once an opportunity to do so has been experienced," Dr. Anthony says."
--------

This section of that article is pretty interesting ...

---------
"Once presented with an opportunity to use drugs, 44.2 percent of males and 42 percent of females began using marijuana within 1 year; 37.7 percent of males and 33.2 percent of females began using cocaine; 50.5 percent of males and 50 percent of females began using hallucinogens; and 14.6 percent of males and 22.1 percent of females began using heroin."
--------

So there are significant numbers of both men and women who once they have an opportunity to try a substance becomes users of that substance.

I'm not denying that more men are abusing substances than women who are abusing substances, but there are similar numbers above in terms of that take up rate percentage genderwise once people have an opportunity to try a substance - it is clearly a serious issue for both genders.


Originally Posted by Lonelyhearts2 View Post
For whatever reason, men, (as a gender, obviously not "all men") are just more prone to substance abuse/addiction.. So, that results in a lot of the people posting here being females who have dealt with an alcoholic male partner.. And being drunk can obviously impair someone's judgment so that abuse is more likely to occur.
Yes I understand and respect what you are saying.

I am absolutely not having a go in any way whatsoever at, nor genderizing, nor minimizing in any way, any of the comments that people have posted in this thread about abuse they have experienced. Abuse is wrong. Period. By males or by females.

All I am saying is that IMHO, it would help everyone, as the human species, to treat the problem of emotional, verbal and physical abuse of family members by alcoholics as primarily an alcoholism problem, and not primarily a gender based problem. ANY abuse of family members as a result of alcohol abuse, by women or by men, is a massive problem, and as a species, humankind needs to have a zero tolerance policy towards abuse of family members by male alcoholics and towards abuse of family members by female alcoholics - it is incredibly damaging to both male and female family members.

Within a given number of alcoholics, are there likely to be differences between the rates of male alcoholics who abuse their families and female alcoholics who abuse their families ? Absolutely.

All I am saying is that I believe that it benefits humankind more for both men who are victims of abuse by their spouses, and women who are victims of abuse by their spouses, to work together and treat that emotional, verbal and physical abuse by alcoholics as primarily a consequence of alcohol abuse, whether the alcoholic is male or female.

Doctors and academics can then drill down by splitting the male alcoholics who abuse their families and the female alcoholics who abuse their families into separate subgroups, to do things like figure out if abuse by males and abuse by females can be reduced more in total by applying slightly different treatment methods to each subgroup.

IMHO, it does no one much good to split victims into two camps based on the gender of their abuser.

There are clearly differences in the data between data about female alcoholics and data about male alcoholics.

Of course my opinion is affected by my own life experience. Had I not been exposed to abuse of me by my ex, I may have a different opinion about it.

That said, once I started speaking about my experiences, one of my male friends told me privately that his ex girlfriend who had alcohol problems had been physically abusive towards him. He clearly felt deeply ashamed about that and he found it extremely difficult to talk about.

It is a real taboo for men and many men feel deeply embarrassed, emasculated and humiliated by being abused by their female partners.

It is almost 3 years since I went through that stuff. It has taken me 3 years to even be able to discuss it like this.

Men feel exactly the same sense of outrageous betrayal of trust when abused by their partners as women feel when they are abused by their partners.

If you take a group of 100 male alcoholics and 100 female alcoholics, how many of those men and how many of those women are abusive to their families ? I don't know, so I ask that question with genuine curiosity. Does anyone know of any studies on that ?


Originally Posted by Lonelyhearts2 View Post
With that said, I'm sorry you were abused by your ex. Men should not be belittled for crying or showing emotion. I'm glad that you say "ex". Hopefully you have kept away from her as she clearly is toxic. I can tell many people on this forum are compassionate, intelligent people who deserve better than being abused or dealing with the awful ******** that comes with being with an alcoholic.
Thanks - I appreciate your kind words.

The key part to your post is this "I can tell many people on this forum are compassionate, intelligent people".

We are all people, and the more that males and females work together as people to find solutions for these problems, the better it will be for everyone, both male and female.
timetohealguy is offline  
Old 07-04-2016, 04:42 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Originally Posted by timetohealguy View Post
Yes I understand and respect what you are saying.

I am absolutely not having a go in any way whatsoever at, nor genderizing, nor minimizing in any way, any of the comments that people have posted in this thread about abuse they have experienced. Abuse is wrong. Period. By males or by females.

All I am saying is that IMHO, it would help everyone, as the human species, to treat the problem of emotional, verbal and physical abuse of family members by alcoholics as primarily an alcoholism problem, and not primarily a gender based problem. ANY abuse of family members as a result of alcohol abuse, by women or by men, is a massive problem, and as a species, humankind needs to have a zero tolerance policy towards abuse of family members by male alcoholics and towards abuse of family members by female alcoholics - it is incredibly damaging to both male and female family members.
A simple way to test that hypothesis, regardless of the gender of the abuser, is to ask ... "if not for the alcoholism, would this abuse be occurring ?"

If the answer to that question is "no, without the alcoholism this abuse would not be occurring", then it is an alcoholism problem - the alcoholism is a causal factor.

If the answer to that question is "yes, without the alcoholism this abuse would still be occurring", then it is a behavioral or personality disorder problem.

Of course you can also get into the overlap between personality disorders and substance abuse, and that is a very long discussion topic indeed !
timetohealguy is offline  
Old 07-04-2016, 05:21 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
Refiner's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by timetohealguy View Post
Hi Refiner.

It is not just some alcoholic men who mentally and emotionally abuse and belittle their partners. Some alcoholic women do the same thing to their partners.
.
Oh I agree with that. I read your story above and it's terrifying. I'm so sorry you had to endure such raging and abuse. And glad she's an EX!!
Refiner is offline  
Old 07-04-2016, 06:03 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
madgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 937
As an alcoholic woman in recovery, may I please gently point out that these abusive behaviors described in this thread are not the sole result of alcohol consumption?

I isolated and cried alot when drinking, but I also was working full time, cleaning the house, doing all the laundry, work travel etc. If anything, I did whatever I could to avoid confrontation - not start them. My objective was to disappear.

Some of the people described in this thread are bullies, abusers - who were disinhibited to be exactly who they really are (bullies and abusers) by the alcohol.
madgirl is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:21 AM.