pndm07

I posted a little while ago; I am having hip surgery tomorrow, and my AH (and his mother) are in the midst of active relapse. He was sober for a few years then fell off the wagon last year and this is his second huge relapse in a year; meanwhile my family (mother, sister) who have been against the fact that I didn't divorce him (we legally separated but that's it, were otherwise almost like a regular couple) now have to help me tomorrow; I also have a 6 y/o boy whom I need help with.
Not only is AH and his mother holed up in their home drunk as ever and I am worried about them (but detaching - when he called me today in a stupor I told him to get himself to detox but that was the end of my advice) but my mom decides now to send me an abusive text about how I am causing her to have a heart attack and my dad a stroke. And she wrote many more very ugly things I can't even repeat them all. I know she is just part of the peripheral damage here but how much can I take? I came to her with egg on my face telling her what happened and why I would need extra help during my surgery (I thought AH would help but he's drunk) and now she is sending me poison pens. She was supposed to stay with me tomorrow night and now I don't want her to. My sister will do it if need be. I realize she is not the cause of this, drunk AH is but why kick me when I am down? She has always been a very controlling person and when she didn't succeed in forcing me to divorce AH a few years ago (I'm not saying I shouldn't have, but I'm just explaining what happened with her) she went off the rails and started threatening him and that just pushed me to him more (he was sober at the time). I am just sick to my stomach and have a little boy and surgery, and am just a hot mess.

Sotiredofitall

You need to be relaxing. Call your sis, explain what is going on and let her help.

LexieCat

Some people project their anger onto inappropriate targets, in inappropriate ways.

I'm with Sotired, let your sister help. And if that doesn't work out, get a home health aide.

dandylion

pndm07.......right now, try to worry only about those things that you have control over....and, the most immediately critical.....Getting through the surgery and having your son cared for. I wouldn't talk to anyone but your sister until after the surgery. You don't need to go into surgery in an upset state.....

If your mother is truly controlling..she is unlikely to change...but, there is the added complication of a parent wanting the best for their child.....and, trying to "take charge" to accomplish that.
Some people turn their fear into anger.

You can't heal that relationship in the next few days...but, there are lots of years ahead, for that......

I hopethat you can keep your husband at his mother's house while you are recuperating......

It is common that alcoholics will drink when you need them the very most.....

dandylion

firebolt

Do you have any friends you can call to take mom's place and split time with your sis?

I'm so sorry you are dealing with that at this time - I have a controlling mom too - no fun. Would standing up to her quiet her down, or make things worse? I know that when I hit a breaking point with my mom, she more often than not backs off - some...

Speedy recovery - and lots of rest and peace to you.

dandylion

pndm....please keep us updated as to how things go with you.....
We care about you...

dandylion

hopeful4

Awe honey, I am so sorry. It sounds like she has her own issues for sure. I would gently say this one sentence. I only need your support, nothing else. And...lean on your sister. You don't need to be exposed to this at this time.

Big, huge hugs!

AnvilheadII

conserve your energy and cancel the "worry" over two drunks who could care less about what YOU are going thru.

i'm sorry your mom sent such a mean text. i'd personally say NO THANKS to any offers of help and find other more supportive help, even if it means a home health nurse. you need all the good mojo now, and to keep toxic people as far away as possible.

amy55

I'm so sorry. Did you contact your sister yet? Also really check out that home health aide. I was taking care of an elderly guy a few years back and even though I was able to do whatever he needed, they still sent home health aide.

If your sister helps you out, would she be staying with you, or taking your son to live with her for awhile?

(((((hugs)))))
amy

pndm07

Thank you - all of you - for your thoughts and for being so comforting to me during this crisis. You guys are amazing. I got a few more nastygrams from my mom and some angry calls too. In spite of it all she is coming anyway. I think she just wants to tell me how difficult it is for her, but so be it. I can't argue. I may regret it but I don't want to impinge on my sister anymore. She will already help me a lot during the day, but she has a family of her own and I just don't want to drain her - I've already cried to her nonstop. My mother is a very difficult person and can be very callous. I hope I don't regret it but I need help now. Heck maybe I will be too out of it to even care. I am such a mess now but you guys are really fantastic and this board is such a comfort.

amy55

You know when I was going through cancer, chemo, radiation, etc... I had many people helping me out. I did actually recover quickly. Why???? Because they were making me "nuts". I wanted them out.

Now on the other hand, you may actually have bonding moments with your mom.

Thing is, you will be recovering, and if you have had enough, you can always pretend to be sleeping. (lol)

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and wishing you the best, and a very speedy recovery.

((((((hugs)))))
amy

pndm07

Thank you Amy - that is so sweet of you. It sounds like you have been through a lot but have pulled through with a lot of strength and wisdom. As for my mom, yes, pretending to sleep (or really sleeping) may be the best way to deal with that (as well as everything else going on!)
Hugs

amy55

Ok, hey there, so are you doing any preparations for tomorrow? I guess that would be fasting? When is mom coming over? What time is the surgery?
Just know you have a lot of friends here that will be checking in on you.

((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
amy

pndm07

Hi everyone; I had my surgery yesterday, am back home, not feeling too bad physically, am able to hobble around (I just can't get the hang of crutches, even though I'm supposed to be on them 3 weeks) and trying to hold it together mentally. Mom came to stay over. I'd say that overall she has been pretty good, save a few comments, but I have to let that fly - she is upset that this is happening to me yet again. AH called me in a daze be it drinking or withdrawal, blah blah, I told him I'm groggy and have to go. Really crappy how he did this now of all times. Anyway, thank you all for your support and I know I'l be posting more. I can't go through this alone. Hugs.

Hawkeye13

hugs back

You're a strong person and handling this all very well--

LexieCat

Attagirl! Hope you're feeling MUCH better soon. And good job at letting the comments roll off your back. That's one of the few good things about being under the weather. Sometimes it's just too much work to get all worked up about it.

Bekindalways

Hi Pnd, I hope you can just breathe through all the pain be it physical or relational.

Healing and peace to you.

LeeJane

They always have to make your illness about them. How you being ill is making them suffer. My mum did this when I had a cancer scare. It was all about how difficult it was for her!!

dandylion

pndm.....good to detach from any critical comments from your mother at this point....as, engaging will make you feel worse.
I think that it would, maybe, be a good strategy to utter a few "thank you/s" to her for being there to help.....(it tends to neutralize the anger).....
Anything that will help you to get through this recuperation period.....lol....

dandylion

pndm07

Update - this morning AH called and my mom was there listening. It was a bad combination. I told him I can't take anymore, he gave me the sob story, he's panicking, blah blah, I told him "go get better and talk to your sponsor" and that I have to get better and not talk to him. My mom then went on a full tirade telling me how terrible I am how I talked to him lovingly, how I should have told him to go to hell and drink forever, etc etc. I had a total meltdown threw the coffee can on the wall and she continued with her tirade of insults. When I told her I can't' get all hostile for our child she then said I had better get a restraining order (for what? being a drunk?) and I should go to a judge and they would give me one (??) and then she proceeded to insult and degrade me and say I will take him back and end up in a nuthouse. She also is saying things like he probably gave our son alcohol (??) Meanwhile I am dealing with recovering from hip surgery, an AH who is trying to lay the guilt on me, a child with special needs, and decisions I have to make about my life and sanity. My mother is not the cause of this but she is adding to my stress and anxiety and sickness. I am really at a point where I don't know how I will get through this. I just want to fast forward a year.