How Much More Can I Take??
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
(((((((((((((((((((((((PNDM))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))
I am so sorry for all you are going through. Engaging with two crazies is over whelming. Not sure how long your mom has to stay but it seems like you would almost be better off with help from a neighbor or friend. I would not engage in any conversation with your mom at all regarding AH. Look at her, let her spew about him and walk away. NO conversation with her at all about AH. It is none of her business how you speak to AH and explaining this to her is worthless. I don't know which one is worse in your life.
I also would cut contact with AH. Engaging with a drunk is fruitless. He knows what he needs to do, you don't need to keep telling him.
I know it is so hard, but one hour at a time is all you can do. I am sending love and healing powers to you my friend!!
I am so sorry for all you are going through. Engaging with two crazies is over whelming. Not sure how long your mom has to stay but it seems like you would almost be better off with help from a neighbor or friend. I would not engage in any conversation with your mom at all regarding AH. Look at her, let her spew about him and walk away. NO conversation with her at all about AH. It is none of her business how you speak to AH and explaining this to her is worthless. I don't know which one is worse in your life.
I also would cut contact with AH. Engaging with a drunk is fruitless. He knows what he needs to do, you don't need to keep telling him.
I know it is so hard, but one hour at a time is all you can do. I am sending love and healing powers to you my friend!!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
You are in such a vulnerable situation, right now. Especially, since you are so dependent on others, by necessity.....
Alcoholism is call ed a "family disease" for good reason. Eventually it damages the relationships all around them....
Your mother probably feels the fear that all us parent s have when we see our kids in a bad situation....Sadly, she seems to have a deficit in her ability to direct it without much modulation.....
You have probably figured out not to answer his calls when she is in the house....lol...
Just try to do the best that you can....until you get past this recovery phase.....
this, too, shall pass.....
dandylion
Alcoholism is call ed a "family disease" for good reason. Eventually it damages the relationships all around them....
Your mother probably feels the fear that all us parent s have when we see our kids in a bad situation....Sadly, she seems to have a deficit in her ability to direct it without much modulation.....
You have probably figured out not to answer his calls when she is in the house....lol...
Just try to do the best that you can....until you get past this recovery phase.....
this, too, shall pass.....
dandylion
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Your mom is clearly very worried about you, though she doesn't express her concern in a very helpful way.
I'd suggest just cutting off contact with your husband for the time being. You need to concentrate on getting well, and your mom (as much of a pain as she is being) is going to be more help to you than he is. You're separated, and talking lovingly to him about the need for recovery won't make him do it. Follow any court orders, but otherwise try not engaging with him.
I don't know your history with him, nor do I know where you live, so I can't say whether you'd be entitled to a restraining order or not. In some places, harassment is sufficient to obtain an order. It's totally up to you, though, whether you want to pursue it. You might try telling him not to contact you for now, and see if he honors that. If not, you might want to re-think looking into whether you'd be eligible for an order. You don't need to be dealing with a drunk while you're trying to recover from surgery.
I'd suggest just cutting off contact with your husband for the time being. You need to concentrate on getting well, and your mom (as much of a pain as she is being) is going to be more help to you than he is. You're separated, and talking lovingly to him about the need for recovery won't make him do it. Follow any court orders, but otherwise try not engaging with him.
I don't know your history with him, nor do I know where you live, so I can't say whether you'd be entitled to a restraining order or not. In some places, harassment is sufficient to obtain an order. It's totally up to you, though, whether you want to pursue it. You might try telling him not to contact you for now, and see if he honors that. If not, you might want to re-think looking into whether you'd be eligible for an order. You don't need to be dealing with a drunk while you're trying to recover from surgery.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
Pndm, I saw this clip today and thought of your situation. I know it's hard right now, and I thought that you may need a laugh given all you are going through at the moment.
Note: It's from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and I would strongly advise that you don't watch this in front of your mother.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jOVk1ViQCw
Note: It's from Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, and I would strongly advise that you don't watch this in front of your mother.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4jOVk1ViQCw
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Originally Posted by pndm07 
Update - this morning AH called and my mom was there listening. It was a bad combination. I told him I can't take anymore, he gave me the sob story, he's panicking, blah blah, I told him "go get better and talk to your sponsor" and that I have to get better and not talk to him. My mom then went on a full tirade telling me how terrible I am how I talked to him lovingly, how I should have told him to go to hell and drink forever, etc etc. I had a total meltdown threw the coffee can on the wall and she continued with her tirade of insults. When I told her I can't' get all hostile for our child she then said I had better get a restraining order (for what? being a drunk?) and I should go to a judge and they would give me one (??) and then she proceeded to insult and degrade me and say I will take him back and end up in a nuthouse. She also is saying things like he probably gave our son alcohol (??) Meanwhile I am dealing with recovering from hip surgery, an AH who is trying to lay the guilt on me, a child with special needs, and decisions I have to make about my life and sanity. My mother is not the cause of this but she is adding to my stress and anxiety and sickness. I am really at a point where I don't know how I will get through this. I just want to fast forward a year.
Anyway you can avoid answering calls from your husband? If he is drunk he may not even remember talking to you (Hmmmm . . . you may have thought of this already).
Big hug and hang tough.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I just want to fast forward a year.
Glad you are done with surgery and on the mend. Sorry about your mom, sounds like she really does have your best interest at heart but her delivery has some issues...lol
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 166
What does a year from now look like to you? What is that vision?
That's a good question. The codie in me would say "I just want AH to be sober, realize that he can't drink for good and stick to it, and live happily with him and our child." The realistic, probably much healthier (but at the moment, depressed) me is hoping that I can make choices that are healthy for me, that I can accept whatever AH does, because it's his choice to make, that I can be happy for him if he's doing well, but not live on pins and needles if he isn't, and to be at a place where I am at peace, I don't have a knot in my stomach at all times, I can laugh, I can see things clearly and not through a fog, that I can rely on people who love me, and that I can be the best mom I can be to my son.
I guess that sums it up.
That's a good question. The codie in me would say "I just want AH to be sober, realize that he can't drink for good and stick to it, and live happily with him and our child." The realistic, probably much healthier (but at the moment, depressed) me is hoping that I can make choices that are healthy for me, that I can accept whatever AH does, because it's his choice to make, that I can be happy for him if he's doing well, but not live on pins and needles if he isn't, and to be at a place where I am at peace, I don't have a knot in my stomach at all times, I can laugh, I can see things clearly and not through a fog, that I can rely on people who love me, and that I can be the best mom I can be to my son.
I guess that sums it up.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,983
Originally Posted by pndm07
What does a year from now look like to you? What is that vision?
That's a good question. The codie in me would say "I just want AH to be sober, realize that he can't drink for good and stick to it, and live happily with him and our child." The realistic, probably much healthier (but at the moment, depressed) me is hoping that I can make choices that are healthy for me, that I can accept whatever AH does, because it's his choice to make, that I can be happy for him if he's doing well, but not live on pins and needles if he isn't, and to be at a place where I am at peace, I don't have a knot in my stomach at all times, I can laugh, I can see things clearly and not through a fog, that I can rely on people who love me, and that I can be the best mom I can be to my son.
I guess that sums it up.
That's a good question. The codie in me would say "I just want AH to be sober, realize that he can't drink for good and stick to it, and live happily with him and our child." The realistic, probably much healthier (but at the moment, depressed) me is hoping that I can make choices that are healthy for me, that I can accept whatever AH does, because it's his choice to make, that I can be happy for him if he's doing well, but not live on pins and needles if he isn't, and to be at a place where I am at peace, I don't have a knot in my stomach at all times, I can laugh, I can see things clearly and not through a fog, that I can rely on people who love me, and that I can be the best mom I can be to my son.
I guess that sums it up.
.And here is understanding and sympathy for the Codie you
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