Codependent Martyr at Work - Gone!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Codependent Martyr at Work - Gone!
Thankfully when I started my last job, I was already well into my own codependency re-set. It didn't take long to see we had a person who had to work harder and longer than anyone else. Her relationship with the clients was critical to her well being. She took changes at work as personal attacks and criticism. Her mood cycles set the tone of the entire office day after day. You never knew if she would personally attack you or be chummy with you to diss someone else in the office.
Even though she would not record all of her hours, the decision makers realized this position needed more support. So over the last 2.5 years this person helped hire in a partner - THREE times for this one new position. It was a horror watching this person honeymoon her new partner then destroy her. Because she could not allow anyone to end her reign as the resident martyr. Well on her way destroying her third one now, and the decision makers finally fired our codependent tyrant two weeks ago.
So the decision makers used this woman. They got a ton of work out of her for nothing. Because she was a martyr, she would often take on tasks that weren't hers. Lazy people took advantage of that. She would then get tired and angry and fire off. So they used her and used her and used her. They accepted her moods and foible cycles for the level of work she provided. It was sickening.
What did I do? I gave this woman several books on codependency and boundaries. I was honest that counseling and antidepressants helped me in rough periods of my life when she discussed such things. When I was her target, I did not take it personally and promptly informed my boss I was verbally attacked. I did not spread her gossip to try to slow the toxic soup. I told my bosses she was systematically driving her team mates out and it would continue. I said it was not right or fair to these victims. I said she had to go as her behavior had clearly been a problem for years before I arrived. They looked at me a bit dazed and confused that I was so straight and narrow about it. That I knew there had always been cycles with her. She's had a hard life, they said. I nodded and said that is true but extraneous from work. I pointed out some of her hard life was due to her own decisions. I said her identity is wrapped up in people needing her - at work and home.
Once she was gone, the change in our office was instant. There is a calm hum now. I also know our decision makers have boundary problems. They are too nice. They don't like to make decisions. They will use situations as long as it benefits them to the detriment of the entire team. I appreciate that I have some detachment and boundary skills. I drag my Type A self home. I know everyone is replaceable. Every one.
Peace out!
Even though she would not record all of her hours, the decision makers realized this position needed more support. So over the last 2.5 years this person helped hire in a partner - THREE times for this one new position. It was a horror watching this person honeymoon her new partner then destroy her. Because she could not allow anyone to end her reign as the resident martyr. Well on her way destroying her third one now, and the decision makers finally fired our codependent tyrant two weeks ago.
So the decision makers used this woman. They got a ton of work out of her for nothing. Because she was a martyr, she would often take on tasks that weren't hers. Lazy people took advantage of that. She would then get tired and angry and fire off. So they used her and used her and used her. They accepted her moods and foible cycles for the level of work she provided. It was sickening.
What did I do? I gave this woman several books on codependency and boundaries. I was honest that counseling and antidepressants helped me in rough periods of my life when she discussed such things. When I was her target, I did not take it personally and promptly informed my boss I was verbally attacked. I did not spread her gossip to try to slow the toxic soup. I told my bosses she was systematically driving her team mates out and it would continue. I said it was not right or fair to these victims. I said she had to go as her behavior had clearly been a problem for years before I arrived. They looked at me a bit dazed and confused that I was so straight and narrow about it. That I knew there had always been cycles with her. She's had a hard life, they said. I nodded and said that is true but extraneous from work. I pointed out some of her hard life was due to her own decisions. I said her identity is wrapped up in people needing her - at work and home.
Once she was gone, the change in our office was instant. There is a calm hum now. I also know our decision makers have boundary problems. They are too nice. They don't like to make decisions. They will use situations as long as it benefits them to the detriment of the entire team. I appreciate that I have some detachment and boundary skills. I drag my Type A self home. I know everyone is replaceable. Every one.
Peace out!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
WOW!! Congrats to you and your workmates on your newfound freedom. And BIG congrats to you on how you handled this whole thing. You showed the martyr compassion but didn't enable her. And you held her (and the bosses) accountable.
Good going!!!! You are my hero for the day.
Good going!!!! You are my hero for the day.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
It always amazes me that the people who are the least justified in being in a position often get one, and more times than not remain there for ages- even though they're wrong for it, toxic, etc.
I've had many like that in my place of work. It seems to be a magnet for that type of person/behavior.
Having the mood lighten at work when a person like that is gone is priceless. Congrats on that.
I've had many like that in my place of work. It seems to be a magnet for that type of person/behavior.
Having the mood lighten at work when a person like that is gone is priceless. Congrats on that.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
