Now What?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 4
Now What?
My husband was arrested for domestic violence at the end of April. What really happened was that he was very drunk and called 911 and hung up, and when the police arrived was belligerent.
He goes to court in a few weeks and in the meantime is under a no contact order with me.
When is rock bottom? When will he realize that he needs help?
I filed for divorce last month primarily to put a custody agreement in place, and he's spent time with our daughters, but last weekend he was drinking again and our girls are so upset and disappointed.
It feels like everyone wants me to just end my marriage to just walk away from the father of my children and the person I've spent the last 15 years beside as he has descended into full blown alcoholism. But I can't even talk to him, how can I end a marriage without even talking to the other person involved?
I've read Codependent No More, I've been in therapy since this happened, I see how my own actions have contributed, I see how I attempt to control him, but I am not ready to walk away.
I can't stand the thought of how his relationship with his children is being destroyed.
I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't help him.
He goes to court in a few weeks and in the meantime is under a no contact order with me.
When is rock bottom? When will he realize that he needs help?
I filed for divorce last month primarily to put a custody agreement in place, and he's spent time with our daughters, but last weekend he was drinking again and our girls are so upset and disappointed.
It feels like everyone wants me to just end my marriage to just walk away from the father of my children and the person I've spent the last 15 years beside as he has descended into full blown alcoholism. But I can't even talk to him, how can I end a marriage without even talking to the other person involved?
I've read Codependent No More, I've been in therapy since this happened, I see how my own actions have contributed, I see how I attempt to control him, but I am not ready to walk away.
I can't stand the thought of how his relationship with his children is being destroyed.
I don't know what to do, but I know that I can't help him.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
It's terrible when you see them make choices that you know hurt your children the most. You are right though, you cannot control that in any way. Best thing you can do is show your children you are there for them, that you are their rock.
It does not really matter what everyone else wants you to do. You have to come to terms with your marriage yourself. However, I would say that his actions show where he is. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, look at actions, and ignore the words.
It's hard, but ultimately you will accept that some people don't even have a bottom. That theory is complete bull in my opinion. Many people go through the cycles of addiction their entire life, leaving destruction and damage behind them all the way. Never changing a thing.
Hugs to you.
It does not really matter what everyone else wants you to do. You have to come to terms with your marriage yourself. However, I would say that his actions show where he is. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, look at actions, and ignore the words.
It's hard, but ultimately you will accept that some people don't even have a bottom. That theory is complete bull in my opinion. Many people go through the cycles of addiction their entire life, leaving destruction and damage behind them all the way. Never changing a thing.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Many people go through the cycles of addiction their entire life, leaving destruction and damage behind them all the way. Never changing a thing.
The diseased thinking patterns of alcoholism tells A's they don't have a problem. This can be powerful enough to shut out even the most horrific or dreadful of consequences.
My AH was told by several doctors if he continues to drink, it will kill him. He continues to drink. His disease has blanked it out. I heard them say it so I know is true.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
wendsday.....first, for a little clarity for me....lol.....is the no contact order still in place.? Is he allowed to see the kids under the no contact o rder?.....just asking.....
No one is going to twist your arm until you sign a divorce decree. You can remain married...since that means so much to you.....and, give him 2years to watch and see what he does. Actions tell the story, every time.....if you give enough time.
It will show if he is willing to put sobriety as his top priority in his life for the rest of his life.....It means hard work and diligent, consistent work.....Lot of investment of his time and effort.....AA meetings. therapy. having and using a sponsor...doing outreach work to other alcoholics. etc.
I am saying this with the assumption that there has not been any abuse in the relationship.....if there has been....then, that is a whole different story!
It is good that you are working on yourself...because the benefits of that will last you a lifetime, regardless of what happens.....
dandylion
***just to be clear...I am talking about legal separation and not living in the same home, together......
No one is going to twist your arm until you sign a divorce decree. You can remain married...since that means so much to you.....and, give him 2years to watch and see what he does. Actions tell the story, every time.....if you give enough time.
It will show if he is willing to put sobriety as his top priority in his life for the rest of his life.....It means hard work and diligent, consistent work.....Lot of investment of his time and effort.....AA meetings. therapy. having and using a sponsor...doing outreach work to other alcoholics. etc.
I am saying this with the assumption that there has not been any abuse in the relationship.....if there has been....then, that is a whole different story!
It is good that you are working on yourself...because the benefits of that will last you a lifetime, regardless of what happens.....
dandylion
***just to be clear...I am talking about legal separation and not living in the same home, together......
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I can't stand the thought of how his relationship with his children is being destroyed.
yeah, but upon whose shoulders does that burden rest? NOT yours.
let's look at the FACTS:
he was drunk and for some reason called 911
he was arrested for DV
he had a No Contact order placed on him, preventing him from any contact with wife and children.
when ALLOWED to SEE his children, he was DRINKING.
there is a difference between ending a MARRIAGE and walking away from someone. a divorce takes care of the legal angle....custody as you pointed out, debt, and any FUTURE damage he may cause. then YOU are protected regardless of what he does.
he hasn't had any wake up calls yet. and he may NOT. if he's drinking, he is not rational. but trust me, he KNOWS what's going on....he KNOWS inside that his ACTIONS are forcing your hand. so this "conversation" is really unnecessary. snooze ya lose pal. that may sound heartless, but what is more heartless is HIS behavior and the damage it is doing to his family.
i hope if he WAS drinking, he was NOT permitted to spend time with the children. that HAS to be a consequence. that's a boundary that MUST be enforced.
even if he started on the path to recovery today, you'd still need to watch for at least ONE YEAR to see if he is able to maintain sobriety, consistently, and 100%, before even considering him on stable footing. do you see that happening any time soon?
i presume this isn't your first rodeo with your AH......that he didn't just start drinking last week. you will have to decide your own tipping point. ah, i see your first post was in 2012.....you called him High Functioning at the time......that was three YEARS ago........
yeah, but upon whose shoulders does that burden rest? NOT yours.
let's look at the FACTS:
he was drunk and for some reason called 911
he was arrested for DV
he had a No Contact order placed on him, preventing him from any contact with wife and children.
when ALLOWED to SEE his children, he was DRINKING.
there is a difference between ending a MARRIAGE and walking away from someone. a divorce takes care of the legal angle....custody as you pointed out, debt, and any FUTURE damage he may cause. then YOU are protected regardless of what he does.
he hasn't had any wake up calls yet. and he may NOT. if he's drinking, he is not rational. but trust me, he KNOWS what's going on....he KNOWS inside that his ACTIONS are forcing your hand. so this "conversation" is really unnecessary. snooze ya lose pal. that may sound heartless, but what is more heartless is HIS behavior and the damage it is doing to his family.
i hope if he WAS drinking, he was NOT permitted to spend time with the children. that HAS to be a consequence. that's a boundary that MUST be enforced.
even if he started on the path to recovery today, you'd still need to watch for at least ONE YEAR to see if he is able to maintain sobriety, consistently, and 100%, before even considering him on stable footing. do you see that happening any time soon?
i presume this isn't your first rodeo with your AH......that he didn't just start drinking last week. you will have to decide your own tipping point. ah, i see your first post was in 2012.....you called him High Functioning at the time......that was three YEARS ago........
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
W,
I am sorry for what you are going through. I might be a little tough on you but I have some questions:
I am kind of confused, you say that.....
When he was drunk and belligerent he dialed 911 and hung up.
Cops showed up and arrested him for Domestic Violence because he was belligerent.
You primarily filed for divorce so you can put a custody agreement in place.
While you have no contact for the DV charge you let your girls have visits with him
Then your girls got upset because he was drinking again while they were under his care
Your upset that your friends want you to divorce him and walk away from the father of your children
You have spent 15 years by his side while he has descended into full blown alcoholism
And you are wondering how you can divorce him while you can't even talk to him because of the no contact order (What would you need to say?)
You can't stand the thought of how his relationship with his children is being destroyed. (Who is destroying this relationship??)
but I am not ready to walk away. (What would it take for you to walk away?)
For him to drive your kids drunk and kill them under his watch or someone else?
To be drunk, pass out and burn the house down while under his watch?
To assault and be belligerent to your children while under his watch?
To put up with him being drunk and disappointing and upsetting your kids every time they are with their dad.
Just because you stuck around for 15 years of his abuse, your kids know better. Go and read the adult forum of alcoholic kids. Ask them if they wished their sober parent would have run and run fast to get that innocent child out of an alcoholic home. Please, please please go to an alanon meeting. Get your kids some help. Even if you are not ready to leave, those children should be listened too and respected. Please don't ever put them in a home with your drunk husband again.
I am sorry for what you are going through. I might be a little tough on you but I have some questions:
I am kind of confused, you say that.....
When he was drunk and belligerent he dialed 911 and hung up.
Cops showed up and arrested him for Domestic Violence because he was belligerent.
You primarily filed for divorce so you can put a custody agreement in place.
While you have no contact for the DV charge you let your girls have visits with him
Then your girls got upset because he was drinking again while they were under his care
Your upset that your friends want you to divorce him and walk away from the father of your children
You have spent 15 years by his side while he has descended into full blown alcoholism
And you are wondering how you can divorce him while you can't even talk to him because of the no contact order (What would you need to say?)
You can't stand the thought of how his relationship with his children is being destroyed. (Who is destroying this relationship??)
but I am not ready to walk away. (What would it take for you to walk away?)
For him to drive your kids drunk and kill them under his watch or someone else?
To be drunk, pass out and burn the house down while under his watch?
To assault and be belligerent to your children while under his watch?
To put up with him being drunk and disappointing and upsetting your kids every time they are with their dad.
Just because you stuck around for 15 years of his abuse, your kids know better. Go and read the adult forum of alcoholic kids. Ask them if they wished their sober parent would have run and run fast to get that innocent child out of an alcoholic home. Please, please please go to an alanon meeting. Get your kids some help. Even if you are not ready to leave, those children should be listened too and respected. Please don't ever put them in a home with your drunk husband again.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
If he was merely belligerent with the police, they didn't arrest him for DV. Either you told them he had committed an act of DV, or there was other evidence to give the police probable cause to believe an act of DV had occurred. If he was arrested for being belligerent only, the charges would have been resisting arrest, disorderly conduct, or something similar.
So I have a feeling there's a lot more to this story. I've been a DV prosecutor for years, and the scenario you describe isn't likely.
Now, that's OK--I totally understand the reluctance to admit what really happened or to re-analyze it in your mind and come up with a different view of what happened. And you don't owe it to us or to anyone else to provide the WHOLE story, but you should at least try to be honest in your own mind about what happened. It might keep you safe.
Whether you end your marriage is totally up to you. BUT there are good reasons you filed for divorce, and if he's not abiding by conditions placed on him by the court, you could be in a good deal of danger. I'd strongly suggest you contact a DV advocate (your local shelter, the National DV Hotline, or the police or prosecutor can put you in touch with one), and talk honestly with her about what's been going on in your life. An advocate will NOT tell you what you must do, but she can help you look at your situation realistically and help with safety planning you may need. That can be particularly important if you decide to stay.
As far as your kids are concerned, you should hold him accountable for his actions in drinking during his parenting time. Do you have a lawyer helping you? If not, I really strongly recommend getting one. S/he can give you sound guidance on how best to protect your kids and your other interests (financial, etc.) at this time--regardless of whether you go through with the divorce or not.
So I have a feeling there's a lot more to this story. I've been a DV prosecutor for years, and the scenario you describe isn't likely.
Now, that's OK--I totally understand the reluctance to admit what really happened or to re-analyze it in your mind and come up with a different view of what happened. And you don't owe it to us or to anyone else to provide the WHOLE story, but you should at least try to be honest in your own mind about what happened. It might keep you safe.
Whether you end your marriage is totally up to you. BUT there are good reasons you filed for divorce, and if he's not abiding by conditions placed on him by the court, you could be in a good deal of danger. I'd strongly suggest you contact a DV advocate (your local shelter, the National DV Hotline, or the police or prosecutor can put you in touch with one), and talk honestly with her about what's been going on in your life. An advocate will NOT tell you what you must do, but she can help you look at your situation realistically and help with safety planning you may need. That can be particularly important if you decide to stay.
As far as your kids are concerned, you should hold him accountable for his actions in drinking during his parenting time. Do you have a lawyer helping you? If not, I really strongly recommend getting one. S/he can give you sound guidance on how best to protect your kids and your other interests (financial, etc.) at this time--regardless of whether you go through with the divorce or not.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What's your rock bottom?
He's been in jail, is not allowed to see his wife and when he got to see his children he was drunk. Doesn't appear he's hit his yet.
When you envision a conversation with him what is it you want to say? What negotiations are you hoping for?
He's been in jail, is not allowed to see his wife and when he got to see his children he was drunk. Doesn't appear he's hit his yet.
When you envision a conversation with him what is it you want to say? What negotiations are you hoping for?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi Wednesday,
I just wanted to add that it's possible that by leaving him and getting a sobriety monitoring system in place for when he has the kids you will do more to nudge him toward sobriety than staying with him has done. That has been my experience.
I just wanted to add that it's possible that by leaving him and getting a sobriety monitoring system in place for when he has the kids you will do more to nudge him toward sobriety than staying with him has done. That has been my experience.
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