Bluehawaii

They keep realing in my head flooding my mind.I never saw it barely at all as he was such a nice guy...the best!! Rubbing my feet ,hugs sitting holding my hand on the couch always wanting to be near me.
My rah was the perfect FAKE.
until little by little it all became obvious to me.
36 years together 31 years married and I realize I didn't imagine all the things he was doing.
What the hell is wrong with these people?!!

honeypig

BH, I know what you mean. XAH was so kind, thoughtful, tender, loving--except when he wasn't. I used to try to figure out which was the real person. I've given up. There was so much that was faked, even when there was absolutely no reason for it, even when the truth was completely harmless. It's just a mystery to me.

So many things are way more complicated than I want them to be...but I'm doing my best to turn those things over, let go of them, and focus on the things that are within my reach.

I'm sorry for the confusion and pain you're feeling. I hope the storm settles soon.

Praying

For me, my brain seemed to need to replay everything with my new eyesight--giving me aha moments as it combed through the past. It was horrible and painful and often I couldn't sleep...but in hindsight I think it was helpful to let my brain scan through and show me it all with new eyes. That may sound odd, but it sort of put my past back in some logical order and gave me my footing back. It took a while, as triggers would generate memories I didn't know existed, then I'd process and move on, only to find another.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, but I can promise that it does get better! I focused on them for a while (shutting them out would do no good), to process them and let them go. I journaled a lot and talked a lot. I slept little.

I can say that they're gone and I'm at peace...it just takes a little time and is still very fresh. Hugs to you.

dandylion

Bluehawaii......I am thinking about your question.......
Are you asking us why you are ruminating over the details of the relationship...
Or are you asking us why he did the things that he did?
......or....when you ask..."What is wrong with these people?"......is it just a rhetorical question---meaning to say "He was a really effed up guy!"......

LOL,lol,.....before I type a 500 word reply.....it would be helpful to clarify, a little more, exactly what is bothering you......

dandylion

Bluehawaii

Dandelion all of the above lol
just so many questions yet I know I will never get answers too.
Like why not just tell me when your angry instead of pretending everything is fine and throw your ass through a wall while vacuuming.
Etc etc etc

FeelingGreat

Blue, you've only recently come to this realisation about him and it will take a while to digest. Chances are that the times he showed consideration and love he really meant it, but over the years his addictions and the deceptions that went along with them gradually took over.
It might be tempting to think he was pretending all along but no-one can keep it up for that long. If he became manipulative later on it may have been because it got him what he wanted.

healthyagain

Here is something I realized.

We codependents are their tools. Not human beings, but objects that serve certain purpose. And what do you do with tools? You manipulate them!

It is as simple as that.

dandylion

Bluehawaii.....I remember your prior threads very well....as I got very involved in them....lol....
This guy had much more going on besides alcoholism.....You will never be able to get to the origin of all of it...it probably goes way back, even before you got involved with him.....
I think your ruminating is a part of the grieving process which you will be in for another year or so...at least the major part of the grieving....

Working on yourself...one day at a time...
And, faith that, in time, this, too, shall pass....

dandylion

Bluehawaii

Thanks again ...my eldest daughter tried to get an answer to his lies today and he would not respond,just divert and act like nothing was wrong.She finally got up and walked out on him.
My youngest who was his confident has been used and manipulated the most by him.He preyed on her vulnerability and used her to speak up for him.
See in all these years he never told me what he wanted,never said if he was angry, never argued,never said he was mad at anything.
But all of a sudden our shoes went missing if left out,my ceramics were all broken the first year of marriage while he said he was clumsy.
I never got mad because my dad screamed when we had accidents .
My counsellor helped me to see his things never got broken..He put his ass through the wall while vacuuming stairs once...physically impossible to be an accident .hid his drinking for 28 years...faked a trip to the hospital by ambulance..
The list goes on but yes right from day one.
I believe now I'm married to a narcissist. I never would have guessed in a million years this doting man with all his secrets could be this.
I'm just so angry and hurt.I want to save my daughter but can't because that would be wrong to bad mouth him.
He triangulates but I can't say anything without looking like the crazy one.
My eldest gets it and has had it.
The youngest has addictions,codependency traits and wants to be forgiving.
He just uses her.i see right through him now that I'm no contact.
Best thing for me...would never be able to do this without no contact.
He hasn't shed one tear.
When the girls stopped talking to him for two days then he texted me and told me he loved me.i said he would do this before he did and sure enough.Now that he has my youngest back on his side so to speak he doesn't give two hoots about me or the other daughter.
He's telling everyone I'm mentally ill and will never get back with me unless I go on meds.
My counsellor says I assure you are NOT mentally ill.
He's a genius at this.
I don't know how I will ever trust anyone ever again.
I pray that my youngest sees what's going on and how he used her to get back at me.the good news I have plenty of wonderful friends.
I play a team sport regularly that I LOVE. I own a business that is flourishing.
I GOT my house and he's out! I'm loving yard work and feel stronger everyday.
And I will one day have what I have always wanted only in my life...a loving family.
That may look different but different is ok.

maia1234

Bh,
I am so sorry for the pain you are going through. Our stories are a lot alike. I was with my axh for 34 years, 26 married. I have 2 daughters. Addicts are very sneaky people, and they do what they need to do to continue their addiction. For nearly 34 years I hid his behavior from family, friends and my kids, as I felt that was my job. Not anymore.

Since my seperation and divorce 1 1/2 years ago his true colors have shown through. I stepped back and let him do his stuff. My youngest dd22 can't stand him as there relationship has been strained for years. Its wonderful when both dd's go to his house on Christmas and it reeks like weed. Recently he asked her to dinner and she said no, with out an excuse or explanation. He is finally getting it, so he reached out to dd24 on how to repair the relationship. Really, he has no idea???

Now dd24 still has some what of a relationship with him but advice and important stuff, she does not share. She knows he is a drunk/addict and takes him with a grain of salt. Once you let the ball bounce where it is supposed to, and you stop controlling it, people see their true colors. They are addicts, nothing more.

You have a loving family. You can't say that it isn't loving because baby daddy is not in the pix. Keep no contact. It took me an extra year and a half to finally "heal" after the divorce. I waited to be there for him just in case he needed me to point him in the direction of a rehab, which never happened. I have been very patient with myself regarding my relationship with him, I think I needed all this time to finally heal.

I am in such a good place mentally and spiritually. I gave a lot to God to help me, and he did. It will take some time, be patient. We do all eventually heal from our pain, some like me took a couple extra years. Sending hugs my friend you will soar and be the best mom you can be..

Eauchiche

You know, I am coming to a new understanding about what went wrong in my relationship. There are SO many things I could mention, but here is the essence:

1. My ex was/is a good person who suffers from an addiction.
2. God put me on a different spiritual path to recover from my own addictions.
3. At that point, my ex and I found ourselves on different roads.
4. The relationship grew toxic, and needed to be abandoned.

It would have been nice if we had both ended up in recovery and remained friends, but that has not happened.

Maybe it would help you to separate your ex from the relationship you had together? I know this might sound like a strange concept.

Praying for you today!!!!

oldsoul112249

I've had a guy friend for several years who is like this. To figure them out/understand them you have to have a mind like theirs. Narcissist, sociopath, psychopath....who knows. But don't try to get into their mind or let them into yours. Take them face value.This guy I know is everything you say. He is 72 and just had a very bad stroke..in the hospital. I talked/ to his ex. She said married to him 22 years and never knew him. Myself, 17 years platonic...I don't know him or his soul. Only a façade who can show anger (in a passive aggressive way) and not much else. Even blind and paralyzed on one side and wearing a diaper he still has the happy go lucky nothing is wrong façade. They don't break. As soon as he's able he'll be charming the nurses and consuming the attention. This may sound harsh but my eyes are open more now than ever. I have a long list near me that reminds me to not get sucked in. He's a genius too.

teatreeoil007

There are some things we never forget, blue. I struggle with not being able to forget too. My memory is too good at times.

redatlanta

If a relationship has cracks we patch them. If the cracks get too big to be patched, we ignore them or accept them, we turn them into something they are not..

Rationalizing, ignoring, blame shifting, denial.

Codependents in many ways mirror alcoholics and addicts due to 'their" addiction to a person or a relationship (the ideology that the "union" is more important), rather than a substance.

its good you are leaving your children out of it. They will have to navigate their own relationship with their father.

Just stop taking about him, get off the defense. He can say whatever he wants you, cannot control it. Its interesting this fairy tale has been spun into you being "mentally ill" and he isn't coming back unless you get on meds. HAHAHAHA. Seriously? That's a textbook lie. Yawn.

Bluehawaii

Thanks everyone...it just saddens me that people believe his lies.i want to tell everyone what he's doing but know in the end it would just make me look crazy because no one would believe he could be capable of such things.
My daughters are telling me stuff now as they are realizing what a sick man he is.
I am so hurt that he would tell the youngest and make her swear not to tell...that he's so happy to be rid of me.
That his mom laughed as he unpacked and his brother joked about calling a lawyer.
These are people who claimed to be Christian .
I'm sick nauseous at the thought...
It disgusts me ...and my daughter having to hear this about me...so sad.

dandylion

bluehawaii...he sounds like a truly toxic person.....

At least, your daughters are willing to tell you about what happened....that indicates a level of trust, I think.....
The truth tends to rise to the top, in the end.....secrets get exposed, eventually.....

dandylion

Refiner

If he is a Narcissist, don't even try to figure him out. Not worth your time or effort. No Contact is your FRIEND. My sister is a N and an A (they go hand in hand often). Had to go NC with her. Someone made this statement here the other day that really resonated with me: "some people are so self-absorbed they don't even know they're self-absorbed".

Helenlee

Bluehawaii ... I just read this article online & thought of you. It might contain something helpful regarding where you're at right now ...

https://letmereach.com/2014/08/27/6-...ost-important/

Bluehawaii

Read it thanks was helpful

Bluehawaii

Your words " don't try and figure him out"
Really hit home.
Thanks!!