brightlight

I cannot get over this anger. My best friend said that I need to just let him drink and forget it. My husband just thinks he has it made. He knows I will not leave him. He knows I am not going to cheat on him or turn into a drunk. He knows I will not do anything to hurt the family and will be there for the kids. I think he is getting a big kick out of me being mad. Not sure if I already said this before and then did not follow through, but I guess my plan is to quit yelling and like I put the money in his pocket I am going to make sure there is plenty of money for him to drink. The more the better, but I am going to spend money on myself and kids. I am going to go places and tonight is the first night of bowling. When I get paid I am going to buy a lot of good food. Winter is coming and I am going to have a fire in the woodstove. I am going to make this house so comfortable. I am going to change everything. I am lifting weights and I look different already, but I am going to lose a ton of weight and be so slim. Not going to stop till size 5-6 jeans. I am going to get my hair colored and highlighted. I am going to start wearing really cute nightgowns to bed and perfume, even though he says he cannot smell it. I figured it out that he can, but does not want me to know it smells good. I want to see him jealous at least one time. Kill him with kindness I guess. I am going to be so sweet it will be sickening. I know he wants to be in shape and exercise, but he is so busy drinking he never does it. He needs new boots for work because his boots are in pieces. I am going to buy myself and the kids new boots and he is going to have nothing. Miss out on meals and sit in that bar while we are in front of the fire with me in my cute nightgown. LOL I know I did not cause it. I know I cannot cure it, but I know I am still trying to control it, but yet if I am not yelling and realize it is his life and he can do what he wants, and I am improving myself then this is progress, right? I deserve more! I know this and even said it to him. First time I said it aloud. I am worth more than this and I do not deserve this! I am going to make my life better and since I spend all these years FIXING HIM and now he does this then I guess it is normal for me to be happy he is drinking a ton and wanting him to get sick. I mean we have been into health food and vitamins. Stuff people make fun of us for and he had a checkup before he started this drinking he had a checkup and his blood pressure was great, his bad cholesterol was down and good cholesterol was up. Doctor was shocked at his age that nothing was wrong. I am having my hair cut like Goldie Hawn and I hope I can laugh and be happy like her.

Mich

You go girl.........It sounds to me like you have a plan. I LOVE new nighties , and smelling good for bed is a MUST.
I am getting my hair cut tomorrow, it's my birthday and I am being "re-born" LOL....My hair is long and all one length, I want it like Ashley Simpson. I am scared to DEATH..... but I am doing it! Wish me luck!
Good Luck and big hugs
Michelle

splendra

((((((brightlight)))))))-

I hope you will add going to alanon meetings to your list. I know it would really help you. At meetings you can make some new friends to go out with too that know how you feel about living with a drunk.The list is good stick to it!!

myselfagain

Also add to your list: not to say anything about his drinking.
do not ask where he has been
do not do anything to help him out in any way, let him
do so for his self
do not save dinner for him

If he starts asking whats going on, just him you dont know what he's taking about, you are just taking care of the kids.

Will any of this do any good, most likely not if he wants to drink. However you will be thinking of you and the kids, not him. THATS the most important !think.
This is just my 2 cents, take what you want of it or leave it all, its up to you.
Have a great day.

WHYOWHY

Boy o Boy ...I could feel your "Bright Light" shining in that post!!!!!
I am so happy for you .......bravo

Just one thing.....
Here comes my own opinion (take it or leave it)

Don't set yourself up for dissapointment.
What I mean is .....
DO all the things you said.....but DO THEM FOR YOU!!!!!
Spray that perfume on and BREATHE DEEP GIRL......WHO CARES IF HE CAN SMELL IT OR NOT!
Wear that nightie....but do it so YOU can feel special....not JUST to for HIM
If you do all the things you mentioned ...and do them for YOURSELF FIRST...then ...honey...you have already won.
You CAN'T count on him (that's why your a part of this chat forum - right)

SO...don't set yourself up ....just to be let down .....
I am not trying to burst your bubble.....I just wanted to add MY 2 cents ( counting "myselfagain's 2 cents - you now have 4 cents).

P.S.
Keep that fire burning ...not just in your wood stove ....but in your self !!!!!

Lorelai

DO all the things you said.....but DO THEM FOR YOU!!!!!

So, so, so right. You deserve all the things you listed. We can't change them by doing things differently but we sure can bring a lot of bright light and happiness to our own lives when we shift the focus onto ourselves. We deserve it.
L

leem03

Brightlight, I love the positive energy in your post! It made me smile just to think about how good you felt when you typed it out! I am so happy for you to make this decision. But just like the others have said, do it for you. Don't do it thinking that it will make him change. If he changes in the process of you getting better, Great! But if he doesn't it will still be his loss because you are getting things together for you and your kids.

cwohio

I like your gumption - again - do it for YOU!

hugs - cwohio

brightlight

Thank you and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! Bet the hair turns out great! Let us know.

cwohio

happy birthday tomorrow!!!

brightlight

All of you are so wonderful! Thank you for all the kind words! I went bowling and had fun. Only have an average of 112, but not bad for not bowling for 10 years. I talked to a few women and doubt I will have much in common with them. The beer was flowing. They almost put my husband to shame! They have the same size pitchers of beer that the bar does and they drank and drank! I almost wanted to ask how they were going to drive home, but I just sat there and thought how glad I was that I did not drink or smoke. I felt good and the little bit of weight I have lost and the shape change from lifting weights made me feel good. My kids had fun and I brought my daughter's friend who is 10. They were very good. I gave them money for games and pop. Then right when bowling was about over my husband showed up! I had told him before I came that if he wanted me to be nice and quit yelling then he had to be nice and the one thing I asked what that he call before going to the bar or call when he got there. I hate it that he gets off work and just does not call or come home for hours. If he does not call then I will not tell him when I go places with the kids, but he said he would and sounded happy and said he was coming to the bowling alley to see us. He showed up like the king. Kids yelling HI DADDY! He came right to me with a big smile and he had been HOME WASHING DISHES! After bowling he helped me fix something to eat and told me that he had told his friend that he would not join the pool league since I was so upset about it and that he would get on one of the men's bowling teams. That way the kids and me could come watch him bowl if we wanted. I am aganist the pool league because he would be going to all the bars in town to shoot. I have told him that he can only go to the one across the street because not very many women go there and it is close and he does not have to drive. The bowling alley is right down the street also. I said he could sub for pool if the game was across the street. He is happy with this. I was so nice to him with hugs and kisses! I am also going to wear him out with making love. It takes all the fire out of him. This morning he is so mellow and nice. Calling me honey and baby. He said he is so tired and he may just come home from work and take a nap. I am going to do this for me and even though I am still wanting to fix him, I am letting him decide. I listened to him cough all morning from cigarettes and I never said a word. He says this or that about a pain or being tired and I gave no comment about rest, not drinking, vitamins, or anything. I will improve and be happy. If I treat him great then the kids are happy. They love him and if I do not say he is doing anything wrong then they think life is grand. I feel good with this plan.

CrazyRed

Light-Bright-

The woodstove fires sound wonderful, the new haircut and the new lifestyle.
"Keep on moving, don't stop"

ASpouse

Everything you are doing for you sounds wonderful ...... but to me it sounds as if you are trying to make "you" more attractive than the "booze" and in my many years of experience with alcoholics, that simply doesn't work and it's hard to keep up that pace year after year after year.

It sounds as if you are playing "head" games with your AH and I will pray that this doesn't backfire.

I smile to myself when I think of the hundreds of times I ran into bars screaming, throwing money, throwing myself, begging, pleading, threatening etc. Trying to make myself look more attractive than the booze. This was the behavior that really made me a "codie", that really sucked me in, that held me there for many many years. I lost myself in this behavior and it was very hard to maintain for 15 years until I almost had a breakdown over it ..... none of it, none of what I did made a damn bit of difference until he decided that he needed to get sober and live a life of sobriety and am I glad he did. I now have me back ....... the one I started to lose over 15 years ago.

brightlight

This time I am working on being healthy for myself and kids. I have just let myself go and have not had much exercise since having my son 5 years ago. I am worried about my health. I am trying to like myself again and I know I have been depressed with being at home and not having friends. My hair has to much gray in it and I decided that my children are only 11 and 5, and their friends have young parents, and they do not deserve to have a mother that looks like their grandmother. I will be 62 when my son is 18. That scares me. I have been wondering why my husband married me anyway. I keep telling myself I have to be slim and this and that, but I was not a skinnny young beauty then. I was 37 when I got married and probably needed to lose 50 or more pounds. He told me once that I was not like other women and I was nice. Maybe a pushover is the word. I decided I am going to be nice and he is not changing me. I do not like name calling or yelling. My kids like me when I am happy. I tried running in the bars and yelling and all my nut stuff, but I do not like it. I think there is no stopping him from going to the bar and drinking until he has had enough. I am not helping him. If he misses sleep, too bad. If he misses meals, too bad. If he misses sitting in the comfortable house with the woodstove, then too bad. If he does not get home in time for bed with me in my new cute nightie, well it will not be too bad because he is going to get it anyway. LOL I am not going without. I already tried telling him he could not touch me if he drank, well he drinks almost everyday and that was no fun. I made up my mind that I do not want to live without him, so I am going to make the most of this.

ASpouse

I will be 60 when my son is 18 ...... so what? Age is a state of mind. Yes I have gray in my hair too, hair coloring is a wonderful thing along with the frosting kits.

Good make up and clothes that fit comfortably that also a great ego booster. I'm sure you are nice, you don't need your husband to tell you that, believe it yourself.

My hobby is dog breeding, training and showing. It is my outlet, my time for myself. I take 5 hours a week to do what I love to do with my dogs. Because of my dogs I have met people all over the world and this country. The rest of my time is devoted to my full time job and my kids.

It's the quality of the time you spend with your kids, not the quanity.

brightlight

I spent my whole life breeding and training dogs! I miss it and I think part of my problem is finding a new way of life. I sure do need to start spending more quality time with my kids.