AuburnGreen25

I've written my story on here before and if I could find it, I would link it but to summarize: I recently lost a nearly 4 year relationship due to my ex relapsing into his perscription pain pill addiction and becoming an alcoholic.

If I could describe my ex, it was like a piece of my own soul manifested into human form. As sappy as it may sound, I've never met someone who was so in tune with me and who "got me" like he did. All my life, guys were just all the same until I met him. Being together for so long as we were, I fully believed we would get married and share a life together. Anyone who was around us (in our prime) always noticed and complimented the way we just clicked, often saying we were soulmates. He was upfront with me and told me that in his youth (he was 26 at the time we started dating) that he was a perscription pain pill addict and an alcoholic but that when he got his DUI at 20, he cleaned his life up, got his GED, and attended University (where we met.) I appreciated his honesty but had my reservations about him which is why he had to persue me for a year before I even began to become close to him. I'm a very guarded person, naturally, which is a huge factor as to why this is all so devastating.

Long story short, when he started working at a restaurant August of last year he got into a bad group of coworkers who were using even harder substances, I was consistently fighting for him between this group of friends. They would constantly beckon him to the bars and to party and I almost entirely lost out each time. Most nights he didn't even come home and when he showed up the next day, our fights escalated in to full blown screaming matches most of which ended with him telling me if I wasn't so miserable to be around he would want to come home more often. Sometimes, however, when he would act or do something especially bad-- he did try to get sober and stop his partying but his friends antagonized him calling me manipulative, controlling, and psycho for the way I tried to establish boundaries and their antagonizing often got the best of him and as soon as we had even the tiniest fight, he was whisked off with his friends to party. There were times when he would get so smashed he'd injure himself, mock me, or terrify me and his friends who witnessed it would just laugh and agg it on. When we broke up, it essentially came to a head and it was a "Me or Them" choice and I lost.

We are currently broken up and I am in NC and haven't seen or spoken to him since July 9th. We broke up on May 22nd but between then and July 9th I failed at NC and consistently contacted him or saw him from fear he was overusing drugs and alcohol (which he was.) During the times of failed NC, he confessed during on of our highly emotional discussions that he got drunk/high and made out with his coworker (who is also an alcoholic drug addict) at a party while we were dating. I also found out that his friends were giving him drugs and alcohol often in celebration of him getting the "psycho bitch" out of his life once and for all. I was livid and I can honestly say I've never had more hatred for a group of people in my life.

I also found out that he not only is continuing to see the girl he's cheated on me with but that he was also messing around with an 18 year old that he works with, (he's 28 yrs old.) Another blow to my ego...

Then I found out that for the entirely of the last half of our relationship, from February 2015 to tonight that he had been/has been purchasing pain pills and using multiple times a month. He doesn't know that I know this and only thinks I believe his lie which is that he's only used once a month from January of this year.

During the break up, I've been experiencing high amounts of stress, anger, grief, and depression because for the last year that we were together I was so concerned and obsessed over protecting him and making sure he was okay/constantly obsessing over his lies that I lost myself completely to his addiction.
I'm in counselling now and it's helped but I still can't eat or sleep. Each morning I wake up and it all comes crashing down on me again--that this REALLY happened. That this guy that had so much potential and so much going for him... is a drug addict and he dumped me, the one sober person in his life who did nothing but try to keep him safe and loved him unconditionally.
I have so much hurt, resentment, and anger inside me that all I want to do is run to him and shake him awake, scream at him and tell him to get help, stop this while he can before it's too late!
I'm terrified I'm going to see in the paper his obituary. I used to dread getting a phone call from his mother but she and his family all blocked me on facebook, believing that I'm lying about his addiction as I reached out to them for help and he put on a "good show" of sobering up for them and telling them that he wasn't using.

We have several mutual friends who are couples that started dating the same time we did, one of them is married now and about to have a baby and the other is just now on their honeymoon. Everytime I see photos of these two couples my heart stops and I feel like I'm going to crack into a thousands pieces because that could have been us. It should have been us...

My mind tells me to think logically and understand that there's nothing I can do, that it's not my fault he's a drug addict but my heart longs for him still and holds onto this hope that one day he'll wake up and miss me enough to realize what his addiction has cost him. My head says that's never going to happen and each time my head says that I feel like I'm going to die from the crippling grief that washes over me.

I hate drugs, I hate drug dealers, I hate people who take pleasure in destroying other people's lives. I hate, and I hate, and I hate and I cry, oh do I cry...

I became so controlling during the last half of our relationship--constantly confirming where he was, checking his phone, his emails. And now that we're broken up I feel so out of control and helpless, it paralyzes me with fear because I can't keep him safe. I failed at keeping him safe. I'm a failure.

Only a few of my friends and family know the truth but they're exasperated with me and are mad that I'm not over it already.
No one understands that it feels as if someone died, and someone DID die. The sober boyfriend I knew and loved was killed the moment he picked his addictions back up.

I miss him so terribly. He lives only 30 minutes away in our old apartment and every day all I want to do is drive as fast as I can to his front door and just hold him and tell him how much I still love him.
I not only lost out on a four year relationship--I lost my best friend, my companion, and the future I thought we had. I lost my apartment, my job, my town... I'm completely uprooted and disoriented from it all but he gets everything. His job, his ****** friends, his drugs and alcohol, the women coworkers to adore him and screw around with...

I'm just so hurt and angry that he doesn't care. That he has everything he ever wanted and that it isn't me. It never was me. That he doesn't miss me at all or regret what he's done because he has his drugs and alcohol.

How did I go from waking up next to him every day, to him looking into my eyes longingly as he told me I was the one, that I was unlike any girl he'd ever been with and that he wanted to marry me and spend the rest of his life with me... to this? To being nothing and no one to him?

I just wish I could go back in time... never let him get this job, get him into rehab, or never have dated him in the first place.

Every night I pray and pray and pray for a miracle, that he'll wake up one day and realize his mistakes and come running back to me. And each morning that I wake up and that hasn't happened I am wrecked with grief.

I know time is supposed to heal all and that I'll move on, but what do you do when you don't want to move on and have all this hope?

Why do I still have hope?

endlesspatience

Thank you for taking time to write such a long post. I hope you found it a helpful process to write things down and I expect when you come back and read it again in a few days time, you'll be able to see yourself and the relationship in a different light. Actually, that's a big part of the healing process. You have chosen to share about the situation and as a result, things will definitely start to shift.

I am pleased that every night you pray for a miracle. But what if the answer is to that miracle is not that your boyfriend returns to you (with all the resultant trouble that would cause) but instead, your emotional state changes to one of calm and peace?

dandylion

AuburnGreen......Several times, you have mentioned July 9th. Is it July 9th of 2015 or July 9th of 2016? Did you mean to type JUNE, rather than July?
The reason that I ask is because of the time differences that might be involved.....

If you are referring to this year...2016 (it is currently June 26, 2016)......
Then, you would be in the part of the grieving process that I like to call the "free bleeding" stage of grief.....
One time, I went through a very painful breakup after about 4 invested years.
It wasn't even with an alcoholic....but, I suffered in the same ways that you are, right now.....
I was a "hot mess"....and I mean HOT MESS for several months.....
I was able to go to work at a job with a l ot of responsibility and carry our my other life responsibilities....but, grief was my constant companion---with the kalidescope of emotions that come with it..... At times, the pain seemed almost incomprehensible. It feels like the pain can almost swallow one up. Like there can be no end....
I was in the nidus of the pain for about 6mo. and, it began to subside, in increments, for the next 6months. At about the one year mark, I was feeling like a normal person, again....and, my life was like 360degrees changed..

What you are going through is normal and necessary, I think. Grief is actually the beginning stage of the healing process...in the big picture.....

Time and space away from him are the big factors, I feel, are the most important factors in getting through this process......

I am sorry that you are hurting so much.....

dandylion

Lonelyhearts2

Trust me when I say:
You deserve better.

It's painful, but sometimes love isn't enough. In order for a relationship to work, there can't only be love. There needs to be respect, mutual healthy interests and hobbies, shared future plans, etc. think about this.. you hate his druggie friends. Drug addicts convince themselves that drugs are a hobby for them. You are wiser and better. You know his addiction is not right.

I can tell by your post that you are a deep and caring person. Many people on here seem very deep and caring.

You tried to nurture him and love him, but unfortunately he did not change. That is his failure, not yours.

Honestly by a lot of your descriptions, your ex sounds like a narcissist or sociopath. they are mental illnesses. These types of people are very prone to addiction. These people do not know how to love others properly. They are too ill. They may seem charming and loving at times, but ultimately they are selfish and empty people.

One thing I can empathize with-
"full blown screaming matches most of which ended with him telling me if I wasn't so miserable to be around he would want to come home more often"

Don't for one second think you are to blame for his addictions! You are not to blame. You are not a "psycho bitch" for wanting a healthy, sober boyfriend!! How ridiculous he and his friends were to say that. I don't know you but I can already tell you are morally and mentally far superior to those low lives!! Trust me.

You deserve a healthy relationship with a sober person. You deserve someone worthy of your love, devotion, and affection. He is not worthy of it.

AuburnGreen25

Hi Dandylion, thank you for your kind words. I had meant June 9th. As would align with your advice since it's only been less than a month of NC.
This was also my first serious relationship, which makes it even more impactful. Though I'm 25, and should have generally experienced my first real heart break by now. I was naturally very guarded and against/uninterested in dating until my (the sober) ex came swooping in and relentlessly pursued me for a full year before I finally opened up enough to give in to the idea of a relationship. So color me a little more devastated that my first relationship had to end in such a catastrophic way.