LovelyKaya33333

My exAB and i ended things a little over a week ago... Even though I ended it and I know i did the right thing in my brain my heart hurts so so so bad.... I didn't even know I could feel this much pain and still breathe... I have been going threw the motions... working every day... got a new apartment...furnished it ( well 1/2 of it ) ... Inside I feel like i wish I could sleep for a year.... I have a few moments of clarity through out the day but mostly I am a walking zombie.... I almost unblocked him and texted him but I stayed strong... I put the promise ring he gave me on today and cried my eyes out... why does this have to hurt so much? Why does he get to ignore the pain and live in drunken bliss? I am just venting but this hurts so bad ... If anyone has stories where they felt like they couldn't take one more minute of the pain of a breakup with an A , but somehow got out of it and are in real peace....please share... thank you all

LexieCat

Um, raising my hand, here. I'm willing to bet just about every person on here, who has gotten any good distance from his/her relationship with an alcoholic can say the same.

I remember sitting at work with headphones on, blasting music while I worked at the computer, just drowning out my own thoughts.

I'm happy, today. I look back on that time with compassion for both myself and the alcoholic. We were both in pain. Don't be so sure his life is "blissful"--he may be hiding it and numbing it out, but alcoholics DON'T have great lives. He may not be experiencing the pain of this breakup the same way you are, but trust me, he is suffering in his own way. YOUR pain is temporary. His will get worse and worse, over time, unless and until he decides to get sober and does the hard work necessary to stay that way.

Good lord, I know how hard you've been working, but working harder will not eliminate all the pain. It's something that has to be gotten through. There are, unfortunately, no detours around it. I do think what you've been doing is laying the groundwork for healing. But you have to feel the pain before it will subside. Pushing it aside or trying to make it not be there won't help.

Have you ever had a painful medical procedure? Sometimes you have to just lean into the pain, and stop fighting it. Fighting it can make it worse. Feel it, and it will eventually subside.

tomsteve

'... why does this have to hurt so much? Why does he get to ignore the pain and live in drunken bliss?"

could be hurtin because ya put a lot into the relationship and got crapped on for it? could be hurtin because that's what happens even when relationships end, even ones where theres no alcoholic/ drug addict involved.

NO, he doesn't get to ignore the pain. being an ex drunk, im willing to guarantee he drinks to stop the pain- using alcohol to TRY and stop it.

yup, I hurt like hell after dumpin a toxic women. it hurt BAD. for quite some time it was all "shesheshe" and "herherher" from me.
a good friend of mine got tired of it one day( after quite a while of listening to me gripe about herherher and shesheshe) and said," tom, whats your part in it? why did you allow it to go on that long?"

that's when I started lookin in my mirror, finding causes and conditions, and start healing.
I was amazed to see the mass quantities of low self esteem and fear I had- low self esteem and fear that I was able to change.

after I was getting into the solution that friend said," people who love themselves and feel good about themselves don't get into relationships that are toxic. you were only attracted to someone as sick as yourself."

SparkleKitty

Vent away, my friend. I am another who came out the other side of a relationship with an A to the kind of life I never thought possible for me.

The answer wasn't in figuring out HIM, but in getting to know, love, respect and care for ME.

Txjeepguy

Everyone here has been there before. Doesn't make it easier but stay strong and you'll get through it. Go exercise, see friends, do things to stay out of your own head.

Pawn that ring and treat yourself to a nice dinner.

Even with everything my ex put me through I still have moments of weakness, of wanting her back, of telling myself I could have done it differently and prevented everything.

I've been walking my dog 4 miles a day, reconnecting with friends I haven't seen in years, doing things I wanted to do but couldn't because she would sabotage them.

Think about what you've missed out on from dealing with their crazy, and discover you again. You'll like what you find.

hope778

For what it's worth I'm in an immense amount of pain tonight. Had to make AH leave. He doesn't want help that I'm offering. Slightly different situation but the pain is just as unbearable. I, too, gave my all, and in a sober moment of his he'd agree with that. However, for now, I'm being blamed. Tonight I feel like I just can't do this. I'm with you.

Thomas45

My ex AW left me approximately 18 months ago. That was the greatest pain I'd ever experienced in my life.

6 months after the separation, I was still dealing with sadness and anger.

It took almost a year to begin enjoying the serenity of a normal life without an A.

Now, 18 months later, I feel at peace with myself and I'm happy with the place that I'm in, even being single. In my case, I find solace in seeking out my own sense of spiritual betterment - abandoning vices, living well, eating healthy, leading a simple and uncomplicated life. I found peace by living by my beliefs and adhering to them.

mcm19

I also wanted to let you know that I am also in a lot of pain tonight. The days seem easier somehow but then the night comes and for some reason I start thinking about reaching out. It's a mixture of heartbreak and anger for me but I'm trying to work through it.

The hardest thing for me to let go of is the anger i feel toward his parents for completely enabling him. I understand that it's a family disease and that they are also very sick. I was in denial about what was happening too. But sometimes I just want to shake them and scream that they are helping him kill himself and how can they not see he's lying to them! I just try to remind myself that they aren't my monkeys and no longer my circus, but man it eats me up sometimes if I let it.

Anyways, hugs to you. It will get better. It absolutely has to!!! (At least that's what I keep telling myself).

teatreeoil007

Sorry for your pain Kaya33333.

One thing to maybe stop trying to think about is the assumption that he is in an alcoholic bliss. He's NOT. I mean when a person drinks a certain amount, they may reach the 'feeling good' stage which is what they usually aim for, right? But that doesn't last very long; it's not sustaining. And then the aftermath of drinking is not blissful; at least to my way of thinking. The social aspect of drinking? Hmmmm. I don't think that's very blissful either.

I would much rather have sober conversations...Chances are he will at some point realize he in no way finds true bliss with alcohol.

Thomas45

Night time is always the hardest for me as well, I think it stems from the fact that night time is usually when we're closest to our partners and there's a greater level of intimacy. I find that going to bed early works wonders for avoiding those feelings.

Bekindalways

Hey LK, I'm also chiming in as a member of the psychedelic-glow-in-the-dark-pain club. I honestly thought people died before they felt as much pain as i experienced.

Every day I had the goal to not shoot myself and not call him. Also I did a bit of the AA one day at a time thing but I broke it into 15 minutes as I couldn't think of sustaining the pain for any longer.

Hang tough lady this is indeed not for wimps. Keep posting. We are here.

AuburnGreen25

I know exactly what you're going through.
I left my promise ring with my ex and part of me regrets leaving it but I know it was for the best because I have a box of the things I gave to him that I took out of anger and every night I sneak into the closet I hid it in and spray a small amount of his cologne on my wrist, just so I can fall asleep and pretend he's still close.
I'm not proud of being so weak but the pain of missing him is unbearable. We were together for nearly 4 years, were friends a year before officially dating. He was my best friend and soul mate and I lost him to both drugs and alcohol as he dumped me in favor of them over me. Out of the nearly 4 years we were together, I spent amost every single day falling asleep next to him and I still vividly remember the way his arms felt wrapped around my waist. Yesterday I forgot the sound of his voice and in a panic quickly pulled up a video where I could hear him talk and laugh.
I know I'm severely crippling the process of me moving on but how do you let go of someone you're still so in love with and have hope for?
Call me niave, but I pray every single night I'll wake up and this had all been a horrible dream...

LeeJane

So very true.

Well balanced, mentally healthy people don't find sick people attractive.

LovelyKaya33333

I am a wedding and event planner and I had a wedding last night and tonight... There is a comic relief in how painful it is to have to be a wedding planner when I am so broken ( like a bad sit com or something ) anyway I threw the promise ring that my exAB gave me in the trash at the wedding... It felt goo din a way to do that. I am still No Contact...he is still blocked...it has been 8 days... I am sorry to everyone that is going through what I am going through.... This is one of the worst pains I have ever had... so thank you all for sharing your stories and just being there for me... This website along with alanon have been my saving grace...

LovelyKaya33333

The first 6 months he was or seemed very healthy .... the last 6 months he changed ... It was like once he let me know he was an alcoholic everything changed... I left after I realized that my original boyfriend ( the man I thought he was) was gone and not returning.... My friends and family were just as shocked at his odd behavior towards the end... My fathers exact words were "I pride myself on typically being able to tell a persons character pretty early on... and I feel fooled too"...

LovelyKaya33333

This is exactly how I feel word for word... sending you hugs

LeeJane

Don't criticise yourself for this, A's can put on a very good outward appearance when they/we need too. They/we keep all our not so nice stuff hidden until the partner we want is hooked. Then we gradually let it show.

As an RA myself and a spouse of an active A, I have been on both sides of this.

I fell my hubs façade too! Now I see it in big red flashing lights and on others too! I can see he tailored it to suit exactly my dysfunctional need to 'rescue' people. I ran towards it!

Sorry you are suffering.

53500

Oh Kaya, I know it's so awful, you feel like your heart physically hurts.

I was dumped by a "soul mate". I'm pretty sure he was an A although when we were together we both drank and it was fun, but I think he had issues with alcohol that I didn't see at the time. He dumped me for another woman.

This was after four years of intense, "soul mate" love and passion. I'd never had the romance, never had the connection like I had with him. I felt shattered into a million pieces. I went to therapy for the first time in my life, in my forties. It helped although it took a couple of tries to find the right therapist.

Life went on and it's now 20 years since that guy dumped me, and let me tell you I thank my lucky stars every. single. day. that he did! We are still in touch every once in a while. He's made huge efforts to get me back from time to time. NEVER. Never in a million years, not for anything would I go back to him and re-enter the f'd up, unstable world that is his life. It got so much worse since we split. For him. Needless to say it didn't last with the gal he dumped me for, nor did it last with who knows how many others after her.

But for me - things got a million times better. Not right away but they did. I'm with a wonderful man for the past 16 years. I trust him 100%. We have a nice, peaceful life.

Your pain will lessen, it really will. With each week, month that passes you heal and you'll start to feel it in small doses. ::hugs:: to you.

honeypig

What reached out and slapped me when I read this, LK, was how it sounds exactly like the A's over in the "Newcomers" forum. EXACTLY. Except they are talking about drinking...

I'm sure by now you've seen it said here that our qualifiers are addicted to alcohol, and we are addicted to our qualifiers. Going w/o XABF seems impossible, terribly painful, interminable--you're counting the days! Each day seems like an Everest, dragging by, and the nights are even worse.

That is likely exactly what he feels he would face if he stopped drinking. I'm not making excuses for him, just saying that at some point, I realized I had more in common w/XAH regarding addiction than I imagined.

As Lexie said, there is simply no way to avoid the pain. For me, anger kept it away for a long time, but as I'm beginning to understand more, the anger fades and I'm left feeling the feelings underneath the anger. Mostly I'm in a good enough place to do this, but sometimes it knocks me off my feet too, kind of like suddenly stepping into a deep place in a fast-moving river and being swept downstream. Paddle for the shore! Grab a branch! You're not going to drown--just keep your head above water until you feel your feet touch the bottom. And they will touch the bottom, eventually.

Ambuler

I read this and my heart literally just broke in half

LovelyKaya and AuburnGreen, I am so sorry you guys are in such pain. I've been there myself. I don't have much more to say than what everyone else has said, but I just want you guys to know that it does get better. It takes time, and sometimes a lot of time, but the pain does ease. I wish I could give you both the biggest hug, oh my goodness. Keep posting, keep venting, we're all here to listen.