Seeking advice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Seeking advice
I've posted here before and found great comfort in the responses I received. I'm looking again for some advice.
A little background...spouse and I have been together 4 years. In that time we have 2 small children. I am 31 weeks pregnant with our 3rd.
I've always known he liked to drink and ignored all the red flags in the beginning.
6 months into our relationship he received a dui and spent 30 days in jail. He wrote to me saying he was going to quit drinking. 2 weeks after he got out he got drunk and said he wouldn't quit.
Last August he drove home drunk (this is something he did many times and still continues to do). I got upset and he ended our relationship. He refused to quit drinking and said I needed to accept him for what he is or else he is done. 3 days after he left he missed us and came home. He promised to be hard on himself but refused to talk to anyone or get help for his drinking.
My spouse drinks every day. For the past 3 weeks he has comes home drunk 4-5 nights per week. I often cannot get ahold of him and feel I am being ignored. I'm worried I won't be able to depend on him to drive me to the hospital in case I go into labor. I'm scared he will be out drinking and miss the birth of his 3rd child.
The other night he drove home drunk and instead of me getting upset I went to bed and told him I'd talk to him in the morning when he sobered up (he always apologizes in the morning). He left instead. I called the police and reported him for drunk driving but they couldn't find him.
The next day he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me and said he wasn't coming home. He called and told me to accept him as is or hes leaving. I asked him if he could try to cut back. He is refusing. Currently I'm waiting on an answer from him as to whether he is leaving us or not.
This is the 3rd time in a year he has left and he is making me look like a fool. Why does he expect me not to be upset when he comes home drunk when he won't even try to cut back?
I feel he is choosing alcohol over me and it hurts so much.
A little background...spouse and I have been together 4 years. In that time we have 2 small children. I am 31 weeks pregnant with our 3rd.
I've always known he liked to drink and ignored all the red flags in the beginning.
6 months into our relationship he received a dui and spent 30 days in jail. He wrote to me saying he was going to quit drinking. 2 weeks after he got out he got drunk and said he wouldn't quit.
Last August he drove home drunk (this is something he did many times and still continues to do). I got upset and he ended our relationship. He refused to quit drinking and said I needed to accept him for what he is or else he is done. 3 days after he left he missed us and came home. He promised to be hard on himself but refused to talk to anyone or get help for his drinking.
My spouse drinks every day. For the past 3 weeks he has comes home drunk 4-5 nights per week. I often cannot get ahold of him and feel I am being ignored. I'm worried I won't be able to depend on him to drive me to the hospital in case I go into labor. I'm scared he will be out drinking and miss the birth of his 3rd child.
The other night he drove home drunk and instead of me getting upset I went to bed and told him I'd talk to him in the morning when he sobered up (he always apologizes in the morning). He left instead. I called the police and reported him for drunk driving but they couldn't find him.
The next day he said he wasn't sure he wanted to be with me and said he wasn't coming home. He called and told me to accept him as is or hes leaving. I asked him if he could try to cut back. He is refusing. Currently I'm waiting on an answer from him as to whether he is leaving us or not.
This is the 3rd time in a year he has left and he is making me look like a fool. Why does he expect me not to be upset when he comes home drunk when he won't even try to cut back?
I feel he is choosing alcohol over me and it hurts so much.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 120
Sadly, my ex, who I thought was the love of my life, also chose alcohol over me and his newly adopted daughter. 3 years later I know that someone who could do such harmful things to me and his daughter could never be the love of my life. I deserve better and so do you. I am so so sorry, if yours is not willing to quit, you have no choice but to leave him. It is impossible to raise children with an active alcoholic. I am sorry for your loss... alcohol changed my Ex to someone who I don't recognize. Stay strong and take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Welcome back Lostkw. Also so very sorry for what brings you back.
Unfortunately, many many alcoholics choose alcohol over their families and it is incredibly painful.
Unfortunately there is little to nothing you can do to change him. However, there is lots you can do to protect yourself and your children from the destructive force of nature that is addiction. If you can get to an alanon meeting. Also read everything you can about relationships with alcoholics.
Keep posting and we will support you the best we can.
Unfortunately, many many alcoholics choose alcohol over their families and it is incredibly painful.
Unfortunately there is little to nothing you can do to change him. However, there is lots you can do to protect yourself and your children from the destructive force of nature that is addiction. If you can get to an alanon meeting. Also read everything you can about relationships with alcoholics.
Keep posting and we will support you the best we can.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
I hate to say it, but I doubt he's going to change - not for you, your current kids, or the one inside you. He's made his choices, and they seem quite clear. And, he's a legal adult, and is free to make those choices, however deeply wrong we feel them to be.
I would not count on him for any help, support, or anything at this point. I'm sorry you are in this predicament. I would also make sure that he NEVER, EVER drives your children anywhere, for any reason.
Also - good for you for calling the cops on him - too bad he didn't get caught.
We're here for you. Sending (((((HUGS)))))
COD
I would not count on him for any help, support, or anything at this point. I'm sorry you are in this predicament. I would also make sure that he NEVER, EVER drives your children anywhere, for any reason.
Also - good for you for calling the cops on him - too bad he didn't get caught.
We're here for you. Sending (((((HUGS)))))
COD
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Also - good for you for calling the cops on him - too bad he didn't get caught.
Is it possible to have separate insurances for each of you, just in case? Not sure what the legal issues are w/a spouse and a DUI.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
I'm worried I won't be able to depend on him to drive me to the hospital in case I go into labor. I'm scared he will be out drinking and miss the birth of his 3rd child.
I've always known he liked to drink and ignored all the red flags in the beginning.
This is the 3rd time in a year he has left and he is making me look like a fool.
He has repeatedly told you that he’s not going to stop drinking and to accept him for how and who he is or it’s time to call it over.
I think that during this important time with 2 little kids and another on the way it’s time to accept that things didn’t work out how you wished them to. That’s he’s an alcoholic choosing his path in life and if that path doesn’t fit your needs or wants and the needs and wants of your children it’s time for you to choose a different one.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Lostkw,
I agree with everyone here. I wanted to expand a little though. I had an ex that would "runaway" from home. At first it was for the night, or he would just not come home and wouldn't call me. Would also shut off his phone so I couldn't call him. Then an overnight would turn into a weekend. Then a week, then a month, etc... Always with the phone shut off, or he just wouldn't answer the phone. I started to get use to this.
I would know at 4:00 pm if he wasn't home, he wasn't coming home, and I wouldn't know when he would just pop in. You know, he actually told me at one time the reason he did that was to "punish" me. I guess you can use the word "punish" or the word "manipulate".
I sat in "limbo" a lot. Never knowing if he would be coming home, or how long he would disappear for. When you can't contact them, it is the Silent Treatment. It's like the only time they will even acknowledge that you exist is when you totally agree with them. Other then that, they shut you right down.
You really don't need this stress right now. How is your outside support?
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
I agree with everyone here. I wanted to expand a little though. I had an ex that would "runaway" from home. At first it was for the night, or he would just not come home and wouldn't call me. Would also shut off his phone so I couldn't call him. Then an overnight would turn into a weekend. Then a week, then a month, etc... Always with the phone shut off, or he just wouldn't answer the phone. I started to get use to this.
I would know at 4:00 pm if he wasn't home, he wasn't coming home, and I wouldn't know when he would just pop in. You know, he actually told me at one time the reason he did that was to "punish" me. I guess you can use the word "punish" or the word "manipulate".
I sat in "limbo" a lot. Never knowing if he would be coming home, or how long he would disappear for. When you can't contact them, it is the Silent Treatment. It's like the only time they will even acknowledge that you exist is when you totally agree with them. Other then that, they shut you right down.
You really don't need this stress right now. How is your outside support?
(((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Every time I got into any kind of negotiations or compromises with my EXABF, I was always the one bending and making concessions. They were never really negotiations; they were actually him browbeating me into submission and acceptance our relationship was to be run on his terms, and his terms only.
In between the browbeating, he said all the "right" things that I wanted to hear, too, about quitting drinking, changing, becoming a better person, confronting his problems, but it was all talk.
His flip side of browbeating and actually showing who he was - that was the reality of the relationship, and that should never be acceptable.
It does hurt when you see the people you love succumbing to their addictions, but their choice of their addiction over the people who love them is a reflection of the nature of addiction, and not you. Do whatever it takes to keep that in mind.
Whatever you choose in the long run, now may be a good time to build up outside support system so you don't have to add to the stress you are already incurring. You may want to take the time to designate other loved ones to be there for you as you prepare to bring a new child into the world. Surround yourself with a loving support system that you can count on, and will give you peace of mind that, frankly, you need right now.
Whatever he chooses will be his to live with, and there's no reason for you to bear the cross of any more decisions he makes. I know that is a hard thing to do, but nobody deserves to bear the responsibility of other people's decisions.
There are so many times that I looked back and saw my ex tell me the same things - his uncertainty of wanting to stay in the relationship, and my waiting in limbo for his mood to swing around and make a decision - and honestly, I should have just stepped up and made the decision to stop accepting such poor treatment and leave. That's really brutal treatment from someone who is supposed to care about you.
I am hoping for the best for you.
In between the browbeating, he said all the "right" things that I wanted to hear, too, about quitting drinking, changing, becoming a better person, confronting his problems, but it was all talk.
His flip side of browbeating and actually showing who he was - that was the reality of the relationship, and that should never be acceptable.
It does hurt when you see the people you love succumbing to their addictions, but their choice of their addiction over the people who love them is a reflection of the nature of addiction, and not you. Do whatever it takes to keep that in mind.
Whatever you choose in the long run, now may be a good time to build up outside support system so you don't have to add to the stress you are already incurring. You may want to take the time to designate other loved ones to be there for you as you prepare to bring a new child into the world. Surround yourself with a loving support system that you can count on, and will give you peace of mind that, frankly, you need right now.
Whatever he chooses will be his to live with, and there's no reason for you to bear the cross of any more decisions he makes. I know that is a hard thing to do, but nobody deserves to bear the responsibility of other people's decisions.
There are so many times that I looked back and saw my ex tell me the same things - his uncertainty of wanting to stay in the relationship, and my waiting in limbo for his mood to swing around and make a decision - and honestly, I should have just stepped up and made the decision to stop accepting such poor treatment and leave. That's really brutal treatment from someone who is supposed to care about you.
I am hoping for the best for you.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
lostkw......on the very practical side....I suggest that you make plans for your delivery. Don't count on him. Line up someone else to drive with you and stay with you at the hospital during labor...
Put money aside for a cab or to pay someone to drive you!
At one time, I worked in a maternity hospital. It was more common that you would think to have drunk partners to show up at the hospital..and for them to drive the laboring woman to the hospital!!
sometimes they were so bad that we would have to get security to escort them away.....
You don't need any of that. I suggest that you get someone with a video camera to film the birth, if you want him to see it....You can't depend on him.....
Also, a was mentioned...if your name is on his vehicle title or insurance....I suggest that y ou see about getting it off......talk to a lawyer....because if he were to be involved in some highway disaster...you could stand to lose everything that you have....(god forbid).......
dandylion
Put money aside for a cab or to pay someone to drive you!
At one time, I worked in a maternity hospital. It was more common that you would think to have drunk partners to show up at the hospital..and for them to drive the laboring woman to the hospital!!
sometimes they were so bad that we would have to get security to escort them away.....
You don't need any of that. I suggest that you get someone with a video camera to film the birth, if you want him to see it....You can't depend on him.....
Also, a was mentioned...if your name is on his vehicle title or insurance....I suggest that y ou see about getting it off......talk to a lawyer....because if he were to be involved in some highway disaster...you could stand to lose everything that you have....(god forbid).......
dandylion
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
Thank you all so very much.
I used to register his truck for him but when he drove drunk last year I cancelled the insurance and his mom now registers the vehicle for him.
Each time he leaves I feel I'm starting to care a little less. I'm losing the urge to plead and beg with him because deep down I know all these things will continue to happen.
I feel guilt for not leaving for the sake of my children. My kids are getting older and it's only a matter of time before they start to get hurt over his choices as well. Part of me wants to leave and show them a better example but another part of me is saying to stay so our family can be together.
I know there is nothing I can say or do for him..that is something I am slowly starting to accept.
I used to register his truck for him but when he drove drunk last year I cancelled the insurance and his mom now registers the vehicle for him.
Each time he leaves I feel I'm starting to care a little less. I'm losing the urge to plead and beg with him because deep down I know all these things will continue to happen.
I feel guilt for not leaving for the sake of my children. My kids are getting older and it's only a matter of time before they start to get hurt over his choices as well. Part of me wants to leave and show them a better example but another part of me is saying to stay so our family can be together.
I know there is nothing I can say or do for him..that is something I am slowly starting to accept.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
The best thing that you did tonight was to reach out for support. Support for you. I'm here for you, and so is this forum. Keep reaching out.
Did he ever come home yet? Or is he still punishing you , or trying to manipulate you?
You are in a very delicate position right now, and you do not need stress.
Keep coming back and talk to us.
We care.
lots of hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))
amy
Did he ever come home yet? Or is he still punishing you , or trying to manipulate you?
You are in a very delicate position right now, and you do not need stress.
Keep coming back and talk to us.
We care.
lots of hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))
amy
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,999
Originally Posted by amy55 
The best thing that you did tonight was to reach out for support. Support for you. I'm here for you, and so is this forum. Keep reaching out.
Did he ever come home yet? Or is he still punishing you , or trying to manipulate you?
You are in a very delicate position right now, and you do not need stress.
Keep coming back and talk to us.
We care.
lots of hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))
amy
Did he ever come home yet? Or is he still punishing you , or trying to manipulate you?
You are in a very delicate position right now, and you do not need stress.
Keep coming back and talk to us.
We care.
lots of hugs to you ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))) ))))))))))))))))))
amy
Also, you are in the position where neither leaving nor staying is going to feel good; either way it is just going to hurt.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 138
True alcoholics have lost the power of choice in drink. They never regain it. Nobody can make them stop short of permanent lockup.
Sometimes they have huge fundamental personality and life motivation changes that bring their good selves back to life, but most are gone beyond recall, maybe doing rounds of rehab asylums and sanitariums, jails, skid row...
There are some folks associated with Alcoholics Anonymous that know how to assist in effecting a fellow drinker's best chances at escape and happy living, but most modern people seem to favor weary rounds of treatment centers. Alcoholics are a tough nut to crack, even when they mean well and try hard, and though they may sometimes successfully avoid it, they are at other times UNABLE to control their drinking, despite the horrific costs, burdens, demoralization, damages and tragedies.
AA members meet in every town, you could look em up and talk face to face about your guy. Costs nothing, and some of them are often are keen to see what they can do to help other drinkers or their families. Someone real to talk to anyway, lots of wrecked life experience.
Besides being disturbing, your guy is also probably very sick.
Sometimes they have huge fundamental personality and life motivation changes that bring their good selves back to life, but most are gone beyond recall, maybe doing rounds of rehab asylums and sanitariums, jails, skid row...
There are some folks associated with Alcoholics Anonymous that know how to assist in effecting a fellow drinker's best chances at escape and happy living, but most modern people seem to favor weary rounds of treatment centers. Alcoholics are a tough nut to crack, even when they mean well and try hard, and though they may sometimes successfully avoid it, they are at other times UNABLE to control their drinking, despite the horrific costs, burdens, demoralization, damages and tragedies.
AA members meet in every town, you could look em up and talk face to face about your guy. Costs nothing, and some of them are often are keen to see what they can do to help other drinkers or their families. Someone real to talk to anyway, lots of wrecked life experience.
Besides being disturbing, your guy is also probably very sick.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 7
an update...he came home and told me that if I continue to get upset everytime he comes home drunk he will leave.
yesterday I couldn't get ahold of him all day and evening. he was reading my Facebook messages but wouldn't answer his phone or reply back. I started getting pains in my stomach and asked him if he'd come home to watch kids so I could go get checked out. he read messages and never came home. turns out he was drunk again. I told him to get his stuff out and that we are done.
I know this is the right thing to do. I have so much support from my family but please aNY suggestions on how to be strong and not take him back? I'm scared I'll cave yet I know nothing will change.
yesterday I couldn't get ahold of him all day and evening. he was reading my Facebook messages but wouldn't answer his phone or reply back. I started getting pains in my stomach and asked him if he'd come home to watch kids so I could go get checked out. he read messages and never came home. turns out he was drunk again. I told him to get his stuff out and that we are done.
I know this is the right thing to do. I have so much support from my family but please aNY suggestions on how to be strong and not take him back? I'm scared I'll cave yet I know nothing will change.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
lost, keep him out. Is this how you deserve to be treated? Ask yourself what you're getting out of this relationship. From here, it's hard to see anything positive for you in it.
I read here not to "make someone else a priority if he makes me an option." You are nothing but an option for this guy, and if you inconvenience him, he disappears.
OUT. Keep him OUT. You and your kids deserve so much better, and wasting time and energy on him is keeping you from having it, whether it seems that way to you or not right now.
I read here not to "make someone else a priority if he makes me an option." You are nothing but an option for this guy, and if you inconvenience him, he disappears.
OUT. Keep him OUT. You and your kids deserve so much better, and wasting time and energy on him is keeping you from having it, whether it seems that way to you or not right now.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
How about you keep reminding yourself of this.............
You needed him and he CHOSE NOT to be there for you. What more then that do you need NOT to take this person back unless of course you haven't had enough hurt and pain and seek more.
I think once we stop the magical thinking of what could be or what was and accept reality that inner fight is over and we make healthy decisions for ourselves and our children.
he was reading my Facebook messages but wouldn't answer his phone or reply back. I started getting pains in my stomach and asked him if he'd come home to watch kids so I could go get checked out. he read messages and never came home.
I think once we stop the magical thinking of what could be or what was and accept reality that inner fight is over and we make healthy decisions for ourselves and our children.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I hate to say this, but when he says he is not going to change, believe him. At least he is telling you and showing you, he is drinking. He is not going to stop. That is the reality.
Now, you choose to have a drunk in your home, or not. I applaud you to protect your children from that. It's awful and toxic for them.
Many hugs. Be strong.
Now, you choose to have a drunk in your home, or not. I applaud you to protect your children from that. It's awful and toxic for them.
Many hugs. Be strong.
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