pndm07

I wonder if anyone with an RA has gone through. My AH had a relapse after a few years sobriety last November. Went to a 5 day detox and said he was back stronger than ever. Back at AA and connected to the sponsor. Obviously it shook me up anyway. I have lately been paranoid about his drinking again. Every time his voice or anything about his behavior is a tad different, I panic. This has happened several times (eg., on the phone he sounded different, but then when I saw him later in the evening it was quite clear that he hadn’t been drinking; it is physically quite obvious when he drinks). He also takes Antabuse in front of his mother and me twice a week. He is much too scared to drink on that. While we are separated we have remained close and have a 6 yo child, but he does spend 2-3 nights a week at his mother’s house near where he works. Last night I didn’t hear from him for a few hours and was sure he drank again. Then he texted me he was with his sponsor. I just don’t know what to do or think. I don’t want to accuse him of drinking if he isn’t, but it is eating at me. And if he is, I have to know too, because as much as I love him (sober), I don’t have it in me to continue with him if he does it again. Compounding matters is that I’m having surgery on my hip soon and will really need his help with me and our son while I’m recuperating. If he’s gone off the wagon, I can’t rely on that obviously. I am wondering if anyone has gone through this – I feel like I’m constantly raising alarm bells and am filled with paranoia and worry. Then I feel like I worried for nothing. I just can’t relax.

firebolt

We create so much of our peril ourselves. I've done it SO MUCH. I think everything (my actions, feeling and plans) relies on someone else, especially when I am in a relationship, and I become so much more fearful, and less self sufficient.

Check it out - if he is drinking, I assure you, you will know at some point. That does not have to be today. Please try to let it go. Stop searching, stop wondering, stop digging for answers. HE will make your answers clear as day if he is, and in short order. You do not have to know this second, even though it feels like it.

You are allowed to make other arrangements to take care of you and your son after surgery, and you are allowed for that reason to be because you don't trust him. He can visit you as wanted / needed and you don't have to put you and your sons safety / care on the slippery slope of if he is drinking or not. It is hard to see that there are other options when we so desperately want them to be the only option.

Worry and paranoia are OUR making, and we can stop it at any time - easier said than done, I know. They don't do anything productive, they don't change anything, and they shorten our already brief lifespans. I know - Worry is my middle name, and I have the hypertension to prove it

Please try to live in the moment - YOUR moment, not his. You can stop that worry spiral by mentally taking him out of the equation of of the things that YOU need to do for you to be ok.

Hang in there - best of luck through your surgery.

pndm07

Thanks so much Firebolt, you are so right and I really appreciate your kind words and common sense!

RollTide

I was in the same situation as you. As it turned out if I suspected something then usually it was true. That may not necessarily be the same with you.

What I did learn is that more will be revealed. You don't have to do one thing. If he is drinking you will know for sure soon enough.

Wishing the best for you.

Jaeger

Do you attend Al-Anon? The things I have learned there has truly been a life saver. I agree with Firebolt, for your peace of mind, line up backup help after your surgery. Funny story - when my RAH was in early recovery, we lived separately for several months. His place did not have a washer or dryer so he would bring his clothes home every weekend to do laundry. During his drinking, I always found exactly $.31 in his pockets or in the bottom of the washing machine. It was his change from the liquor store. So one weekend, remember he's sober now, I went to put some clothes in the dryer but heard that familiar noise of change in the washing machine. I can't even tell you how upset I was and all the thoughts that went through my head in just those few seconds. I had a physical reaction...stomach churning, tears in my eyes. I got to the bottom and guess what it was? His AA sobriety coins. All is not as it first appears and that taught me a valuable lesson to try not to panic too fast!

dandylion

pndm......I, also, agree, wholeheartedly with firebolt.

I think that the way to get this "monkey off your back" is to proceed as a single parent in every way.....total independence and self sustaining...
financially, childcare wise, etc.....
I know that, with a child, it is hard to go no contact, completely.....

It is hard to live waiting for the other shoe to drop.....
It sounds like his last relapse was really traumatic, for you.....

dandylion