Hard memory
 

The last day we were at the resort in Mexico we ended up getting separated somehow. We were in the water and next thing I knew I woke up on a lawn chair, burnt. Idk how long I was out for. It took me a long time to get back to our room. He wasn't there and I was so worried and crying and then I got mad. "How could he leave me" I thought. I threw all our clothes out into the hallway and someone called security. They took me back down to the pool and he was there. He cried when he saw me :(

Idk what happened. Idk what happened that day or what happened to the man that cried he was so happy to see me. This was two years ago.

Our entire trip feels muddied by that day. I never told anyone this before

Expanding...did you ask him what happened from the piece of time that you were in the water?

dandylion

Keep writing these memories down - especially the bad ones. You don't have to go back and read them - ever if you don't want to.....but just let them be there in moments of weakness...because there will be some.

I have some great friends that are happy to remind me of "unacceptable instances" when I get sentimental. The anger easily takes over my sadness....and I will take anger over pain at the moment. I had enough of the latter with XABF to last me a lifetime.

(((HUGS)))

I did because I was furious. I didn't understand how or why I could've been passed out on a lawn chair hours later when we were together at one point...

He didn't seem to know what happened either :(

To this day I don't know

I recall him saying he went back to the pool and he waited for me. I just don't understand how we lost each other in the first place. It was such a highly emotional experience. We must've had much too much to drink :(

So embarrassing and humbling and it just makes my soul ache. Our entire trip was fine and then it ended like that :(

Expanding.....can you say, specifically what part is so embarrassing....?

It does seem plausible, to me, that if both were drinking a lot...especially out in the sun...that there could be periods of black out ...for both of you.....

dandylion

So many things :(

Security being called.
Me getting mad when he was just as worried as I was.
Idk what we did during that time.
I was passed out on the lawn chair and who knows who saw me.
We were both burned, drunk and highly upset...

It was supposed to be this awesome romantic trip! What a huge reality check

((((Expanding)))))
It's good to share those memories, and I agree with Firebolt, keep writing them down, and sharing here...
I've had a similar experiences... back in the days before I had kids and AH and I were both drinking too much too often.
Once in a crowded casino I went to the bathroom and then couldn't find my way back to AH for several hours. He was searching for me, and had someone page me over the loud speaker. I only vaguely remember stumbling through the crowds...

Another time, AH and I together got lost from (or ditched? I'm not really sure) the mostly sober couple we were hanging out with that night.

I have embarrassment and guilt over those times...

Blackouts are so scary because you don't know, and will likely never know what happened, and what you did during those times. When I think about times I used to drink to blackout, it still causes me to feel embarrassed and shameful, and just yucky ...

I remember wanting to talk about it but I held back. I didn't want to "ruin" the memory of the trip by bringing something unpleasant up... I was trained well :-/

Every time I see pictures of that trip all I can think about is that last day and how horrible I felt.

I am coming full circle... alcohol. Can't stand the stuff

I agree with all said....I too don't feel good at all about things I did and happened to me while drinkimg. I drank far too much for far too long. Happy to be sober over four years now - best years of my life. Keep journaling, keep talking about them-by talking about them it allows the light to shine on them-if we keep things hidden they can never heal!

This is great progress, btw, albeit not a fun subject.

It is always so scary when we can't remember chunks of time.. I have been there to an even more extreme- I went to school and next thing I know it is 10 at night and I am sitting on a bench outside.. I stopped mixing Xanax with heroin that day, but I didn't stop the heroin.. -shakes head-

We have all been there, and even though you might never know exactly what happened, you can ensure that you NEVER have to go through that type of experience EVER again. Even though these kind of memories can cause us embarrassment, pain, anxiety, etc. it is still important to acknowledge them and make sure that we never have to experience it again.

Expanding......I doubt that you could find a human on this forum (or anywhere)who doesn't have something that they cringe at remembering......
We have all done something at sometime.....
We are all people...we are all flawed, in some way.....

The positive take on this.....It helped you to appreciate the co nsequences of drinking a lot...
You will never..ever...meet one of these people...ever again, in life....
You did not do any permanent damage to anyone....

It is o.k. to look back, occasionally, but don't stare!

forgive yourself for being human...and LET IT GO.....

dandylion

It crushed me. I wanted to be a healthy couple. I knew something was wrong even then and to have it end like that it was like a glaring spotlight was put on the problem and I couldn't deny it anymore. I remember crying in the shower because I wanted us to have romance and talks and walks and connect and it wasn't like that at all.

We met a couple there and the guy informed us he was going to surprise his girlfriend with a proposal that night. I was jealous because I knew that would never happen for me and AXBF.

It took another couple years before I was forced to swallow that glass. I just didn't want to admit our relationship was nothing like I wanted it to be and that it was over.

I think I was looking for a trip to fix us. It couldn't have ended any worse

I knew someone who said that if you want to know if a relationship is really on the rocks.....go for a vacation---preferably in bad weather.....
LOL..I think there is a lot to be said for that.....

dandylion

---OR a road trip or home remodel! :dee