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Struggling with fear, insecurity, and self doubt

Old 06-23-2016, 05:26 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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My AW snoops all the time. She always says, "I just happened to come across..." - really?? How do you happen to come across a file buried 7 steps deep in a set of folders? Nooooo, you were snooping!! Or, you were snooping in my dresser, or, something.
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Old 06-23-2016, 09:28 AM
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Hello liz, and congratulations on having built such a wonderful life for yourself and your new family.

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
... how I'll measure up to all his past girlfriends who were confident career women, a few of them were doctors and one was a TV news anchor. ...
If I may, I'd like to give a guy's perspective on this. I don't know if it applies to your guy, so take whatever fits and leave the rest.

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
... who were confident career women, ...
That is not the way I see women. Whether friends, relatives or my two XAW's. I see ladies as "confident women". What counts, in my mind, is _not_ what a woman has on the outside. Whether it be profession, degrees, or the color of her hair. What I want in a partner is what she has on the _inside_. Kindness, compassion, courage.

As a BTW, both my XAW's are highly educated career women of the kind you describe, so I am speaking from experience.

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
... He is a driven man, he is confident and some folks would even say ...
I know a lot of guys like that. My experience is, as others have said, that if your guy's priorities were about a woman's _outsides_ then he never would have approached you in the first place. Never mind developed a relationship with you. He sounds like the kind of guy who is well aware of what he wants in life and has no problem going out and getting it. If he wanted a brain-dead trophy wife to show off to his buddies, he would have one.

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
... If he doesn't need me for those things, than what am I there for? ...
For the important things. He needs someone who will be a role model to _his_ kids. I can't think of anything more important than exposing your child to good role models. To find someone who can be both a partner _and_ a role model is priceless.

If your guy is like me then he needs you to be yourself. He needs you to share your wisdom, your love for children, your sense of humor, your opinion on important decisions that affect the family. To share the "load" of being a "team" in a world that is far too ugly and cruel.

Originally Posted by lizatola View Post
... I am scared out of my mind that my bf will see the real me: ...
Oh he already has seen the real you. Just like you have seen the real him. He knows that what you really are is just another human being like everybody else. All us humans have all these insecurities you mention, some people are better at hiding them, that's the only difference.

From what you have shared it seems to me like you are doing just fine. You are coming from a huge amount of stress and dsyfunction that surrounded your entire life. Which makes you pretty much "normal" out there in the real world. The only thing "not normal" about you is how much work you have done to get rid of all that "brainwashing" that was forced upon you. Not a whole lot of people are willing to better themselves to the extent you have.

From a guy's perspective, the fact that you are a _normal_ person with all the normal "debris" that results from living life and yet you are _flourishing_ in spite of it all makes you plenty exceptional.

I know very little about you, only the things you have shared here on SR, but that's enough for me to know that you are a real "catch". Your guy is both lucky to have met you and smart to have courted you.

Mike
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Old 06-23-2016, 09:35 AM
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DesertEyes - well-said!
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Old 06-23-2016, 09:37 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by CentralOhioDad View Post
My AW snoops all the time. She always says, "I just happened to come across..." - really?? How do you happen to come across a file buried 7 steps deep in a set of folders? Nooooo, you were snooping!! Or, you were snooping in my dresser, or, something.
I used to snoop on my XAH when he was big time in his disease and I was early on in program.

As to what Redatlanta said earlier. I sometimes have jealous thoughts in my head, I think we all do and I think it's human nature. It's what we do with those thoughts and how we process them that matters. I don't act on my insecurities because I know they are about ME. I trust my partner and he trusts me. He borrows my phone and we let our kids play on our phones. Neither one of us has anything to hide.

I remember when we first started dating and he always kept his office door shut and I never once wondered what he was hiding behind that door. I never snooped in his medicine cabinets. I never searched for hidden bottles or had any inclination to do what I did during my dysfunctional marriage to an alcoholic. It was such a relief to realize that those habits were behind me and they still are today.

The difference today is that I have learned to trust my Higher Power before I trust people. I trust myself more as well. Doesn't mean I don't deal with insecurities, feeling badly about myself for decisions I've made that have led me to where I am today financially or emotionally, etc.

In my heart I know that no matter what happens, I will be OK. I always have been. It's just that some days that negative tape plays over and over in our heads and we get a case of the 'what ifs' or the 'if only's'........Just more work to be done for me emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. It's all good.
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Old 06-23-2016, 09:41 AM
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Liz - I happen to think you are doing marvelously from where you were back those 18-24 months ago. I am envious of the progress you've made, I'm way behind the curve compared to you!

And I'm so happy for you. Keep moving forward!

Progress, not perfection - right!?!?

COD
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Old 06-23-2016, 10:07 AM
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I think you're doing really great too Liz, I definitely can relate to what you are talking about here. Figuring out who *I* am outside of my relationships with others has been a very long road to demystify.

I think the fact that you have the time & space to examine this is a sign of being in a healthy relationship in & of itself. I think that these types of challenges are where a lot of my forward growth came from - no longer looking backward to what was but focused on where I was going instead. I had to sloooooow waaaaaaay down & reexamine my every decision for a while.... especially anything that was a knee-jerk reaction. I mean right down to, "Do I really prefer vanilla ice cream or am I just used to ordering it because it's easy" or whatever.

It takes a lot to reverse all that negative self-talk. I've found that if I told myself something 100 times in the past, I need to replace it with positive self-talk 1000 times for it to "stick". Hang in there, you have overcome SO much already that I know this piece will click into place for you soon too.
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Old 06-23-2016, 10:16 AM
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DesertEyes-phenomenal words. Absolutely correct, Liz. YOU are fabulous.... you say throughout this thread that you trust him....how bout starting to trust Yourself-YOU are that spectacular and great and you are what he wants!!!!!!

(I know how hard this is-I struggled with it for a long time bc of my dysfunctional upbringing....YOU are enough.)
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Old 06-23-2016, 09:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
DesertEyes-phenomenal words. Absolutely correct, Liz. YOU are fabulous.... you say throughout this thread that you trust him....how bout starting to trust Yourself-YOU are that spectacular and great and you are what he wants!!!!!!

(I know how hard this is-I struggled with it for a long time bc of my dysfunctional upbringing....YOU are enough.)
I had a program friend text me this very thing earlier today....You are enough. She said, "Liz, you wouldn't let me beat myself up like this, would you? SO, let me give you some advice that I got from YOU a few months ago when I was struggling this very same way......"

And, that's why I love my recovery program. I can give advice to my friends when they are in a setback or struggling emotionally and I know I can turn to them and get the same a few days later. What a blessing to all of us in recovery today!
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Old 06-23-2016, 09:36 PM
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Originally Posted by DesertEyes View Post
Hello liz, and congratulations on having built such a wonderful life for yourself and your new family.



If I may, I'd like to give a guy's perspective on this. I don't know if it applies to your guy, so take whatever fits and leave the rest.



That is not the way I see women. Whether friends, relatives or my two XAW's. I see ladies as "confident women". What counts, in my mind, is _not_ what a woman has on the outside. Whether it be profession, degrees, or the color of her hair. What I want in a partner is what she has on the _inside_. Kindness, compassion, courage.

As a BTW, both my XAW's are highly educated career women of the kind you describe, so I am speaking from experience.



I know a lot of guys like that. My experience is, as others have said, that if your guy's priorities were about a woman's _outsides_ then he never would have approached you in the first place. Never mind developed a relationship with you. He sounds like the kind of guy who is well aware of what he wants in life and has no problem going out and getting it. If he wanted a brain-dead trophy wife to show off to his buddies, he would have one.



For the important things. He needs someone who will be a role model to _his_ kids. I can't think of anything more important than exposing your child to good role models. To find someone who can be both a partner _and_ a role model is priceless.

If your guy is like me then he needs you to be yourself. He needs you to share your wisdom, your love for children, your sense of humor, your opinion on important decisions that affect the family. To share the "load" of being a "team" in a world that is far too ugly and cruel.



Oh he already has seen the real you. Just like you have seen the real him. He knows that what you really are is just another human being like everybody else. All us humans have all these insecurities you mention, some people are better at hiding them, that's the only difference.

From what you have shared it seems to me like you are doing just fine. You are coming from a huge amount of stress and dsyfunction that surrounded your entire life. Which makes you pretty much "normal" out there in the real world. The only thing "not normal" about you is how much work you have done to get rid of all that "brainwashing" that was forced upon you. Not a whole lot of people are willing to better themselves to the extent you have.

From a guy's perspective, the fact that you are a _normal_ person with all the normal "debris" that results from living life and yet you are _flourishing_ in spite of it all makes you plenty exceptional.

I know very little about you, only the things you have shared here on SR, but that's enough for me to know that you are a real "catch". Your guy is both lucky to have met you and smart to have courted you.

Mike
Geez, way to make a girl tear up Mike! Thank you so very much for those kind words.

My bf is gone with his girls for the next few days and I came home from work with a lovely poster board sign to greet me on the kitchen counter. My bf addressed it to my son and I and told us to have a great weekend. He drew a Mickey Mouse cartoon character and signed it with XOXO. His girls then signed it and each of them drew us a picture. My son said he helped the 8 year old pack for the trip, as well.

When those girls cuddle up with me on the couch, I truly feel so blessed. When they make space for all 5 of us on the couch together and we all squish together, I feel loved. When my bf reaches out for my hand on the couch and links his pinky with mine and winks at me, I feel special.

Sometimes I forget those things. I knew dysfunction for all of my life, having a parent as an alcoholic and then marrying someone just like him and struggling through 20 years of marriage. I still can't grasp how the hell I got where I am today. I swore I'd be single and playing the field still, LOL! Never thought a guy would nail me down to a commitment so soon, haha!
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