LovelyKaya33333

Hi guys if you have any good readings on help with understanding an alcoholics mind please share them.... Mainly the chaos in relationships with them... I have read the ones that you have been posting...the more information the better

redatlanta

Basically its like having a relationship with someone who is having an obsessive affair.

You always come second. Always. Drink comes first. Drink will always trump you, drink will always be protected.

As for you, you are as good as you are an enabler and codependent. If you get in the way of their first love - you are toast!

That sums it up.

dandylion

LovelyKala...if you want to do some reading....I suggest the articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D. You can do a google search......"bma-wellness.com"....
There are several...but, I suggest that you might like:
"The Addict's Dilemma"
"Excuses Alcoholics Make"
"Addiction, Lies, and Relationships"

these are for starters. I found them to be the most helpful that I have read on the subject......

dandylion

mylifeismine

yes, i second Dandy's recommendation, they are excellent articles
and very authentic to the dilemma of living with an active alcoholic.

at some point in this journey you are now on, you will realize it is much
more about your own recovery than his.

Thomas45

Intermittent Reinforcement ? Out of the FOG

This applies equally to alcoholics as it does to partners of alcoholics.

Hawkeye13

One pretty obvious truth is that this man sounds like a lying, manipulative jerk
and most likely he's still that sober.

Don't just assume the drinking caused it.
Many of us alcoholics would never behave in the ways he has, drunk or sober.

The saying goes what do you get when a drunk horse thief gets sober. . .
a sober horse thief

healthyagain

It is true that drink comes first, but they also must have an enabler to function. It is a fascinating dynamics. Please understand that you are playing a certain role. It is almost like a play in theater. And there are many actors involved. There is a really good sticky that explains how this works.

Alcoholism is a tragic three act play in which there are at least 4 characters
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

entropy1964

Hey Kaya

You've posted a whole lot of threads about this guy. I get it. But I think you're driving yourself crazy.

I think this guy is a jerk. Read about jerks and how their minds work.

Alcoholics obsess about alcohol, like you are obsessing over this man. They try to understand their addiction in order to get control, in the same way you are trying to understand this mans thinking....which you cannot.

Do yourself a huge favor. Grieve. But when you're ready, look at your actions. What would you have done differently? Not what would you change about him, but what would you change about you? There are so, so many red flags about this man. Alcoholism being one. What would you do differently? This guy and his actions don't define you. You define you.

I've been where you are. It will take time but learn from this. Ok?

Eauchiche

In addition to Dandy's books, I found the entire series entitled" Getting Them Sober" to be extremely helpful. It is an often funny collection of bad examples of situations and behaviors the alcoholic can find themselves in. It should give you some good chuckles, if nothing else.

LeeJane

I emphasize this, just because an A stops drinking doesn't mean your relationship will suddenly be lovely and that they will become a great guy/gal.

Much better to focus on yourself and you getting well and leading a happy life.

LovelyKaya33333

i am focused on myself as well... my sponsor and i have been working on my self worth and how i got here...why ignored red flags etc.....i know I'm obsessing...it hasn't been a week yet...i'm just hurting and trying to wrap my head around everything... maybe he is just a jerk and its that simple...thanks for your responses