Blogs


Notices

found hidden vodka bottle

Old 06-21-2016, 08:54 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: California
Posts: 38
found hidden vodka bottle

no big deal I am told. he isnt some crazy alcoholic he claims. its because weekend mornings I count his beers and I get upset how much he drinks after I go to bed. He only did it once. He is embarrassed and feels bad, that he didnt feel right about it. I think he feels bad because he got caught. He doesnt even really drink vodka, he will drink ton of beers and not feel like its a problem because it is "light" beer. I dont get it!! Then I say, what else are you doing that you hide from me. Then I get yelled at that I am going to "run" with this and take it to crazy level to yell at him for everything. i hate this this but now I am convinced its not really a big deal. its only "one" bottle! that he did it because its my fault since I get mad at all the beers he has after I go to bed. that he really did only do it once and wont do it again??? why didnt he just get rid of the bottle then if only one time? i hate this life but i have this horrible life because of my own self, its my fault.
back2thegoodME is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to back2thegoodME For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (06-21-2016), LeeJane (06-21-2016), sauerkraut (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 08:58 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,784
Blog Entries: 1
I'm so sorry.
FireSprite is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to FireSprite For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 09:00 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Originally Posted by back2thegoodME View Post
no big deal I am told. he isnt some crazy alcoholic he claims. its because weekend mornings I count his beers and I get upset how much he drinks after I go to bed. He only did it once. He is embarrassed and feels bad, that he didnt feel right about it. I think he feels bad because he got caught. He doesnt even really drink vodka, he will drink ton of beers and not feel like its a problem because it is "light" beer. I dont get it!! Then I say, what else are you doing that you hide from me. Then I get yelled at that I am going to "run" with this and take it to crazy level to yell at him for everything. i hate this this but now I am convinced its not really a big deal. its only "one" bottle! that he did it because its my fault since I get mad at all the beers he has after I go to bed. that he really did only do it once and wont do it again??? why didnt he just get rid of the bottle then if only one time? i hate this life but i have this horrible life because of my own self, its my fault.
Oh dear, this is no way for you to live.
LeeJane is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 09:00 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
CentralOhioDad's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
You'll get more, and better advice, soon from others. But I'll throw in my .02 cents now:

It's not your fault
It's not your fault
It's not your fault

They lie, the blameshift, they guilt.
Stop counting his beers - it won't do you a bit of good. Don't yell at him, it will do no good and he doesn't care what you think.

Oh, and it is a "really big deal" if you are so upset.

Peace to you.

C-Oh Dad
CentralOhioDad is offline  
The Following 16 Users Say Thank You to CentralOhioDad For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (06-21-2016), firebolt (06-21-2016), FireSprite (06-21-2016), greeteachday (06-21-2016), honeypig (06-21-2016), hope778 (06-21-2016), hopeful4 (06-21-2016), Kboys (06-21-2016), LeeJane (06-21-2016), MsGreenJeans (06-23-2016), NadoMama (06-21-2016), sauerkraut (06-21-2016), SmallButMighty (06-21-2016), theuncertainty (06-21-2016), tomsteve (06-21-2016), totallytrying (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 09:04 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
AdelineRose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
Blog Entries: 1
Whoa whoa whoa lets back up here. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You do not "have this horrible life because it is your fault". This has to do with HIM.

Hiding alcohol bottles is not "normal". People that do not have an alcohol problem do not feel the need to hide bottles. Also, so he "only" did that because you harp on how much beer he chugs once you go to bed? So instead of looking at his drinking habits and deciding maybe he does drink too much or instead deciding you were wrong and continue to drink those are what non alcoholics do, hearing you say he drinks too much so hiding alcohol so he can get away with it is a huge red flag. THAT IS ON HIM, NOT YOU.

Have you considered going to counseling? This is not your fault, he is only trying to convince you it is your fault so that it takes the focus off of him and his drinking problem.
AdelineRose is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to AdelineRose For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (06-21-2016), CentralOhioDad (06-21-2016), greeteachday (06-21-2016), hope778 (06-21-2016), Kboys (06-21-2016), LeeJane (06-21-2016), sauerkraut (06-21-2016), theuncertainty (06-21-2016), tomsteve (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 09:05 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
hopeful4's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,566
Blog Entries: 10
First off, lets review the Three C's. You did not Cause it, You cannot Control it, and you cannot Cure it. You are not causing this yourself.

My X would switch to vodka in the hopes I would not smell it.

You are clearly unhappy. What boundaries can you put into place for yourself to gain support and space from this for a bit? Ultimately, you are going to have to decide what you are willing to put up with, and what you are not. Then you will have to decide how to handle that going forward.

You deserve to have happiness in your life. Don't let this control who you are and who you become. What things can you do to take good care of YOU??

Hugs.
hopeful4 is offline  
The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to hopeful4 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (06-21-2016), CentralOhioDad (06-21-2016), FireSprite (06-21-2016), greeteachday (06-21-2016), hope778 (06-21-2016), Kboys (06-21-2016), LeeJane (06-21-2016), lizatola (06-22-2016), sauerkraut (06-21-2016), theuncertainty (06-21-2016), tomsteve (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 09:47 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
hope778's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 468
He is deflecting and denying. And, as a result, blaming you. All of which are wrong. When so emotionally invested I understand it is hard to think rationally, but you must. Rationally, it does not make sense that it is your fault. You did not start him on the path of over-drinking, you do not put the bottle to his lips. He is an adult. He is aware of what he is doing.

I agree with CentralOhioDad. "Stop counting his beers - it won't do you a bit of good. Don't yell at him, it will do no good and he doesn't care what you think. " You are hurting yourself by doing this. It will not help the situation. Please don't take this as accusatory, because we have ALL done it.

hope778 is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hope778 For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (06-21-2016), CentralOhioDad (06-23-2016), hopeful4 (06-21-2016), Kboys (06-21-2016), sauerkraut (06-21-2016), SmallButMighty (06-21-2016), theuncertainty (06-21-2016), tomsteve (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 10:51 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
alcoholics wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
I can absolutely relate. My AH has hidden stuff from me in the exact same fashion you described. My AH drink of choice is beer as well. He is able to compartmentalize that he "just drinks beer so he must be different than the bottle of whiskey drinker who is homeless on the street". In an addict's mind, they literally do not think they did anything wrong. That is part of their insanity! They can not see the harm that it causes to their loved ones. To them it's equivalent to something minuscule like taking cookie from the cookie jar and not fessing up. Their disease is always able to justify their actions: "I never wronged you so why act as if I did such an evil act", "it wasn't a Lie, I just didn't tell you because you didn't ask", "I have everything under control and I'm not like the raging alcoholic you think I am, you have nothing to worry about" etc etc. (I've heard all this)

To a normal person, it's the lies that hurt us more because it shows the capabilities of their character.

An active addict will not understand or be able to view things from a normie's perspective. How could they when they are in such denial of their depths of addiction? In turn, they are making us become insane because we start thinking that we are in the wrong! (Because as humans we have a tendency to protect our hearts and and so we desperately seek out ways to give them the benefits of the doubts). If we are wrong instead of them, it doesn't hurt as much. Insane.

If you want your husband to not hide his drinking from you, you would have to work on strategies to not make him scared of coming to you with his drinking. Questioning him on how many beers he had to drink today, getting mad at him when he was honest about how many beers he had today, nagging at him about how many beers he had today, yesterday and tomorrow, snooping, counting etc. All lead to him hiding things because he doesn't want the negative consequences. You've already proved to him that negative consequences will come if he is honest about how much he had to drink so he already knows that strategy is a no-go and will lead to a fight, another bad night, a buzzkill and nothing good. He'd rather take the chance especially when in his mind it's not even a white lie.
alcoholics wife is offline  
Old 06-21-2016, 10:58 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Blog Entries: 8
Originally Posted by back2thegoodME View Post
but now I am convinced its not really a big deal. its only "one" bottle! that he did it because its my fault since I get mad at all the beers he has after I go to bed.
I really hate to say it, but it's only one that you've found so far. It feels like a big deal because it is. As has been mentioned, it's not normal to hide empty alcohol bottles. And it's a change in already unacceptable behavior: his moving from drinking a lot of light beer to hard alcohol and hiding it to boot. The disconnect is between what you know and how he's trying to spin it.

AXH would switch from beer or rum and coke to vodka when he didn't want me to know he was drinking right then. He very much felt like he could walk around with his bottle of "water" without anyone knowing. The point where he switched to that and hiding the bottles was an escalation - a progression in his addiction.

It's not your fault. Why would it be? HOW could it possibly be? You're not making him drink. You're not causing him to drink by doing or not doing something. He'd drink if you're there. He'd drink if you're not there. He'd drink because you're in a bad mood, but he'd also drink if you were in a good mood. He'd drink because it was a good day at work. He'd drink because it was a bad day at work. The only common factor in the many possible scenarios of why he'd say he's drinking is him. ((((hugs))))
theuncertainty is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to theuncertainty For This Useful Post:
AdelineRose (06-21-2016), hopeful4 (06-21-2016), Kboys (06-21-2016), sauerkraut (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 11:10 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
theuncertainty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Blog Entries: 8
Originally Posted by alcoholics wife View Post
If you want your husband to not hide his drinking from you, you would have to work on strategies to not make him scared of coming to you with his drinking. Questioning him on how many beers he had to drink today, getting mad at him when he was honest about how many beers he had today, nagging at him about how many beers he had today, yesterday and tomorrow, snooping, counting etc. All lead to him hiding things because he doesn't want the negative consequences. You've already proved to him that negative consequences will come if he is honest about how much he had to drink so he already knows that strategy is a no-go and will lead to a fight, another bad night, a buzzkill and nothing good. He'd rather take the chance especially when in his mind it's not even a white lie.
I have a alternate perspective on this front. I was no longer "nagging" AXH about his drinking when he started hiding bottles around the home. (However, I will admit that I started confronting him about the extent of his drinking again when I started finding them all.) His decision to hide the bottles wasn't related to avoiding marital discord. It was about him not wanting ANYONE to know exactly how much he was drinking. I'm fairly certain that he didn't want to admit to HIMSELF how much he was drinking. It was much harder to quantify the amounts if the bottles aren't all stacked up in a single receptacle.
theuncertainty is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to theuncertainty For This Useful Post:
AdelineRose (06-21-2016), Bekindalways (06-21-2016), Brauggi (06-22-2016), firebolt (06-21-2016), hopeful4 (06-21-2016), Kboys (06-21-2016), LexieCat (06-21-2016), sauerkraut (06-21-2016), totallytrying (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 12:40 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
A work in progress
 
LexieCat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Originally Posted by theuncertainty View Post
I have a alternate perspective on this front. I was no longer "nagging" AXH about his drinking when he started hiding bottles around the home. (However, I will admit that I started confronting him about the extent of his drinking again when I started finding them all.) His decision to hide the bottles wasn't related to avoiding marital discord. It was about him not wanting ANYONE to know exactly how much he was drinking. I'm fairly certain that he didn't want to admit to HIMSELF how much he was drinking. It was much harder to quantify the amounts if the bottles aren't all stacked up in a single receptacle.
Bingo. I was living with people who rarely said anything about my drinking, but I still hid the bottles because *I* knew how much I was drinking, and I was ashamed and didn't want anyone to know.

So don't be too sure that encouraging him to be "honest" about his drinking and making sure you don't nag him about it will make him honest and open about his drinking. It certainly is better for YOU if you don't nag him--it does no good and will only make you frustrated and disappointed in yourself. Just EXPECT that he will lie and hide bottles. Every alcoholic I've ever met does that. It isn't personal, and it doesn't mean he will lie about other things (he might, but that's not directly related to the alcoholism, most often).
LexieCat is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to LexieCat For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (06-21-2016), firebolt (06-21-2016), greeteachday (06-21-2016), Kboys (06-21-2016), sauerkraut (06-21-2016), theuncertainty (06-22-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 01:13 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
alcoholics wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
There is really no policing an addict. Even laws tossing You in jail for drinking and driving doesn't stop all addict from this reckless and dangerous behaviour.

An addict is going to do what they want to do. I remember one day while we were getting ready for a long drive to visit relatives, I stop at a gas station to use the washroom, I come back to the car (I guess faster than my AH anticipated) to find my AH chugging down a beer as fast as he could...he was driving! I, of course, got mad and it turned into a situation where we had to head back home and make up an excuse to our relatives of why we couldn't make it over.

There is a lot of shame associated with their addiction. It's not like they are proud to lie, drink and drive, be reckless. They also feel much worse when others constantly poke at them, grill them and put them on the spot about their addiction. It's like an overweight person sneaking in a donut. They already know the looks they will receive and judgement from others. They will feel much worse when someone is tearing them apart on sneaking in a donut, on being fat, on being unhealthy etc etc
Being an alcoholic is no different. Just a different context. But still a lot of shame that is behind such addictions.
alcoholics wife is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to alcoholics wife For This Useful Post:
AdelineRose (06-21-2016), BettyRubble99 (06-21-2016), LeeJane (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 01:19 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,104
I think that your own sobriety needs to come first and if he’s drinking and hiding it the anxiety of living there that way is not good for you. I know you were very concerned about breaking a lease but you need to find that strength to get out and away from this situation.

I know you don’t blame yourself for his drinking the blame on yourself is the fact you continue to remain there in this situation which is growing worse.

Is there a way to split the cost with him of breaking your lease?

None of us want to leave the person we love and wanted a life with but when it becomes toxic to us it’s a matter of saving ourselves first and getting ourselves onto healthier ground.
atalose is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to atalose For This Useful Post:
AdelineRose (06-21-2016), back2thegoodME (06-22-2016), LeeJane (06-21-2016), sauerkraut (06-21-2016), SmallButMighty (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 01:21 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
LeeJane's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 666
Just to add here that when I was a daily drinker, it actually was more fun to drink secretly! My AH didn't mind me drinking at all but I still liked to hide and steal extra alcohol. Insane, I know. It gave more of a buzz at the time and re-enforced my insane alcoholic thinking of how clever I was.

I have spoken to other recovering A's and they shared they were the same.

Part of our insane denial was to believe that we were cleverer than other 'ordinary' people.

I can remember thinking this way and thinking it was perfectly fine, it is only now some years into recovery I see how utterly nuts it is.

My AH likes to drink extra secretly now. I don't care how much he drinks and he knows this but he still likes to do some secret drinking for the extra kick!

It is all insane.
LeeJane is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to LeeJane For This Useful Post:
AdelineRose (06-21-2016), firebolt (06-21-2016), LexieCat (06-21-2016), TalenCrowhaven (06-23-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 02:13 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
alcoholics wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Also do note that my ex bf was also an alcoholic. He never hid his drinking from me (that I know of), although I never gave him a reason to. I drank with him, enabled him, not once did I nag to him about drinking. Everyone is different and unique and not all addicts hide their drinking. Instead of trying to figure out why he does the things he does (which contain so many possible variables), you need to figure out why you do the things you do.

Why do you keep raising down the bar? What is YOUR limit? Boundaries? Are those boundaries firm? Why or why not?
alcoholics wife is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to alcoholics wife For This Useful Post:
AdelineRose (06-21-2016), firebolt (06-21-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 06:16 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Vancouver, BC
Posts: 333
Originally Posted by back2thegoodME View Post
but now I am convinced its not really a big deal. its only "one" bottle!
If you wake up in the middle of the night and you see a single bedbug on the middle of your blanket... can you be sure that there couldn't possibly be any others?

But here's the kicker: it doesn't really matter if there were any other bottles, does it? He was hiding alcohol from you because his alcohol consumption is more important to him than your approval of his actions. Yelling, nagging, hounding, demanding, these things do not motivate a person to want to change. They only cause resentment, especially with how addictions change an individual's sense of motivation and priorities. Calling people out on hiding alcohol just makes people better at hiding alcohol.
Thomas45 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Thomas45 For This Useful Post:
hope778 (06-22-2016), SmallButMighty (06-21-2016), theuncertainty (06-22-2016)
Old 06-21-2016, 06:24 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi BacktotheGood,
Just wanted to tell you that your posting encapsulated so many similar arguments at my house before I moved out. There is no logic and no arguing with crazy. But when you're in it, it feels like you're the one being too demanding, too doubtful, or whatever other "failure" the A wants to pin on you (me). Ugh. Get away; move on; no more.

As a side note, I could never understand why my AH hid his bottles around the house. I thought maybe he secretly wanted to be found out, but it made me feel disgusted to find his dirty smelly old bottles. Maybe, as others have said, he was trying to avoid the tally of how much he was actually consuming.
sauerkraut is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to sauerkraut For This Useful Post:
Bekindalways (06-21-2016)
Old 06-22-2016, 07:53 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Michigan
Posts: 42
I am a recovering alcoholic and I know that, for me personally, when I began to hide bottles that was when I moved from occasional recreational drinking to serious problem drinking. When my wife began to find them I deflected and she was placated at first, but eventually she faced the reality of the situation and began to see what was really happening. If he is hiding bottles there is a distinct possibility that he is drinking more than you are aware. I believed that I was very clever when I was actively drinking, but I mistook cleverness with manipulation and deceit and I think this is something that is true of many alcoholics.

Instead of getting upset with the situation, which you clearly seem frustrated and angered by, examine what you are willing to tolerate and what boundaries you can set to protect your own sanity. Everyone deserves happiness, so don't allow yourself to accept a situation that is causing you anger and frustration.

Last edited by Brauggi; 06-22-2016 at 07:54 PM. Reason: Giant paragraph chunk
Brauggi is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Brauggi For This Useful Post:
sauerkraut (06-22-2016)
Old 06-22-2016, 08:15 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Mountainmanbob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,206
Originally Posted by back2thegoodME View Post

he did it because its my fault
I just can't buy into that one.
True, I don't know the whole story.
But, it is very hard to make someone do what they wish not to do.

It's all about what I do or don't do.

MB
Mountainmanbob is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:53 AM.