Recovering alcoholic girlfriend
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Originally Posted by FireSprite 
We're not suggesting Al-Anon or other forms of therapy for codependency because you have/had a drinking problem of your own, but because they can help those of us affected by another person's addiction.
Did you ever reach out for any kind of resources or group therapy when you were dealing with addiction in your son? On this "side of the fence" we're as concerned with breaking our own codependent habits as we are about wishing our loved ones would get & stay healthy. (well, more so really)
We often have just as many, but different, dysfunctional habits & patterns. I was a child of an alcoholic & I grew up learning a lot of the "wrong" ways of going about all of this until I found myself seeking support in dealing with my alcoholic spouse, decades later. Now I'm learning this stuff all over again, with new eyes & ears & labels.
So, when you say you are "aware" of addiction, what does that mean? Are you also aware of codependency & how difficult it can be to recognize? I hear a lot of red flags in your posts that lead me to believe this is all new to you so I hope you stick around - there is SO much experience & wisdom shared here at SR.
Did you ever reach out for any kind of resources or group therapy when you were dealing with addiction in your son? On this "side of the fence" we're as concerned with breaking our own codependent habits as we are about wishing our loved ones would get & stay healthy. (well, more so really)
We often have just as many, but different, dysfunctional habits & patterns. I was a child of an alcoholic & I grew up learning a lot of the "wrong" ways of going about all of this until I found myself seeking support in dealing with my alcoholic spouse, decades later. Now I'm learning this stuff all over again, with new eyes & ears & labels.
So, when you say you are "aware" of addiction, what does that mean? Are you also aware of codependency & how difficult it can be to recognize? I hear a lot of red flags in your posts that lead me to believe this is all new to you so I hope you stick around - there is SO much experience & wisdom shared here at SR.
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Originally Posted by picturegirl81
Just learning codependency in this thread. Will definitely research. I am aware of the difficulties in addiction. By all means no expect.
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Originally Posted by atalose
The addict/alcoholic don’t usually think they fit the role of addict/alcoholic either.
Where there's a caretaker/caregiver there is a taker!!
Is your BF living with you? Is he employed yet?
Where there's a caretaker/caregiver there is a taker!!
Is your BF living with you? Is he employed yet?
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Originally Posted by picturegirl81
Just looked up codependency. I don't feel as though I fit the role. Out of 10 of them, I fall under the caregiver
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-1-a.html
All I'm saying is that I don't believe it's terribly coincidental that you find yourself in multiple relationships with addicts. I'd be willing to bet that if we kept talking we'd find that there's more alcoholism/addiction in your own family of origin somewhere in your history. My boss is dealing with unresolved codie/addiction issues from TWO generations back.... so even though they haven't seen an active addict in her family in that time, their dysfunction is LOUD & CLEAR.
It's also important to note that a person can ACT codependently without BEING a Codie. A person can have periods of codependency even if they don't fully become one.
The fact that you are keeping tabs on his recovery in this way, that you are looking for outside validation of your situation, that you have such strong feelings about what he "should" be doing is where many of us see red flags in your behavior. .. and we have all come to realize that our qualifiers can get & stay sober/healthy but if we don't do the same, we're still living in some form of dysfunction.
Stick around, keep reading!!
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That's a positive that he's not living with you and that he has a full time job.
I think as mentioned above that you have yourself to enmeshed in not only his recovery but the recovery of this other woman.
Have you talked with your BF about your feelings on his involvement with this other woman? Have you told him it makes you feel uncomfortable?
I think as mentioned above that you have yourself to enmeshed in not only his recovery but the recovery of this other woman.
Have you talked with your BF about your feelings on his involvement with this other woman? Have you told him it makes you feel uncomfortable?
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Originally Posted by atalose
That's a positive that he's not living with you and that he has a full time job.
I think as mentioned above that you have yourself to enmeshed in not only his recovery but the recovery of this other woman.
Have you talked with your BF about your feelings on his involvement with this other woman? Have you told him it makes you feel uncomfortable?
I think as mentioned above that you have yourself to enmeshed in not only his recovery but the recovery of this other woman.
Have you talked with your BF about your feelings on his involvement with this other woman? Have you told him it makes you feel uncomfortable?
Thanks to everyone who shared input! It is very much appreciated! I have mentioned my feelings about this issue over the last couple days! First issue...he said that she said she wasn't attending because she felt uncomfortable with the male sponsor who she picked! My BF said he had a hunch that the sponsor was hitting on her and made her feel uncomfortable. I told him I thought it was BS! I said how do you know she didn't pick him to come on to him and was rejected.
Second issue... He had been texting her and then she didn't reply. He suspected that she had possibly been drinking and trying to get ahold of her to check on her well being. He ran into her at a store and she said that she had been out of town and her pet died. I told him this is when she should depend on the AA meetings the most. He said that she told him her family here was taking advantage of her and she couldn't attend meetings! Again BS I said. More excuses.
Third issue.... His response to me when I said that she was making excuses and he was justifying her excuses. His response was...I will not justify defending my friends when I obviously should (really ? I thought ). He continued to say I will defend anybody I feel is not getting a fair shake and they are not there to defend themselves
Here is my last couple of days. Going to visit him tonight and share all these comments. If it doesn't go we'll then it's over.
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Originally Posted by atalose
That's a positive that he's not living with you and that he has a full time job.
I think as mentioned above that you have yourself to enmeshed in not only his recovery but the recovery of this other woman.
Have you talked with your BF about your feelings on his involvement with this other woman? Have you told him it makes you feel uncomfortable?
I think as mentioned above that you have yourself to enmeshed in not only his recovery but the recovery of this other woman.
Have you talked with your BF about your feelings on his involvement with this other woman? Have you told him it makes you feel uncomfortable?
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Originally Posted by atalose
If I am reading your posts correctly, you re-connected with someone you used to date in high school who was known to you as an alcoholic who didn’t have a pot to pee in, an ex-wife and some children he doesn’t talk to and you went ahead full speed into this relationship– regardless of all of those big red flags??? Are you attending al-anon? Or counseling for codependency?
He’s showing more red flags with his attachment/addiction to this new woman friend of his in AA where he’s only been for less than 6 months himself.
You are jealous of this woman and he doesn’t care because that’s how alcoholics are especially this early in his sobriety.
Showing him the comments on here is taking away YOUR chance at your own recovery while you are attempting to control him and his recovery.
Why is it not enough for you to see that he’s not putting your feelings above this new stranger and that you MUST show him what some other people (us) think about it??
He’s showing more red flags with his attachment/addiction to this new woman friend of his in AA where he’s only been for less than 6 months himself.
You are jealous of this woman and he doesn’t care because that’s how alcoholics are especially this early in his sobriety.
Showing him the comments on here is taking away YOUR chance at your own recovery while you are attempting to control him and his recovery.
Why is it not enough for you to see that he’s not putting your feelings above this new stranger and that you MUST show him what some other people (us) think about it??
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IMO, the other woman's recovery or lack thereof is her business, not your boyfriend's, and not yours. That's why posters are encouraging you to research codependency, which is basically being over-involved with an addict and trying to control or cure their addiction by your actions.
Your boyfriend at less than six months isn't experienced enough to be an AA sponsor. As for whether her previous sponsor came on to her or vice versa or not at all...does that matter? It's her issue to address.
Seems like you're a fixer by nature and your tendency is to charge into the situation and FIX IT! I can relate. Problem is, as they say...it's not our circus, not our monkeys. Your boyfriend needs to fix himself and she needs to fix herself...without your advice, monitoring, or involvement, no matter how you're itching to clean up their mess.
It's a hard concept to get your head around, I know. If you read more posts on the Friends and Family thread, you can learn a lot here.
Your boyfriend at less than six months isn't experienced enough to be an AA sponsor. As for whether her previous sponsor came on to her or vice versa or not at all...does that matter? It's her issue to address.
Seems like you're a fixer by nature and your tendency is to charge into the situation and FIX IT! I can relate. Problem is, as they say...it's not our circus, not our monkeys. Your boyfriend needs to fix himself and she needs to fix herself...without your advice, monitoring, or involvement, no matter how you're itching to clean up their mess.
It's a hard concept to get your head around, I know. If you read more posts on the Friends and Family thread, you can learn a lot here.
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Originally Posted by picturegirl81
ATALOSE...this is a thread about the conversation we just had on Sunday... We have been discussing it since Friday. After I hang up...these are his text message responses.
Thanks to everyone who shared input! It is very much appreciated! I have mentioned my feelings about this issue over the last couple days! First issue...he said that she said she wasn't attending because she felt uncomfortable with the male sponsor who she picked! My BF said he had a hunch that the sponsor was hitting on her and made her feel uncomfortable. I told him I thought it was BS! I said how do you know she didn't pick him to come on to him and was rejected.
Second issue... He had been texting her and then she didn't reply. He suspected that she had possibly been drinking and trying to get ahold of her to check on her well being. He ran into her at a store and she said that she had been out of town and her pet died. I told him this is when she should depend on the AA meetings the most. He said that she told him her family here was taking advantage of her and she couldn't attend meetings! Again BS I said. More excuses.
Third issue.... His response to me when I said that she was making excuses and he was justifying her excuses. His response was...I will not justify defending my friends when I obviously should (really ? I thought ). He continued to say I will defend anybody I feel is not getting a fair shake and they are not there to defend themselves
Here is my last couple of days. Going to visit him tonight and share all these comments. If it doesn't go we'll then it's over.
picturegirl81 is online now Report Post
Thanks to everyone who shared input! It is very much appreciated! I have mentioned my feelings about this issue over the last couple days! First issue...he said that she said she wasn't attending because she felt uncomfortable with the male sponsor who she picked! My BF said he had a hunch that the sponsor was hitting on her and made her feel uncomfortable. I told him I thought it was BS! I said how do you know she didn't pick him to come on to him and was rejected.
Second issue... He had been texting her and then she didn't reply. He suspected that she had possibly been drinking and trying to get ahold of her to check on her well being. He ran into her at a store and she said that she had been out of town and her pet died. I told him this is when she should depend on the AA meetings the most. He said that she told him her family here was taking advantage of her and she couldn't attend meetings! Again BS I said. More excuses.
Third issue.... His response to me when I said that she was making excuses and he was justifying her excuses. His response was...I will not justify defending my friends when I obviously should (really ? I thought ). He continued to say I will defend anybody I feel is not getting a fair shake and they are not there to defend themselves
Here is my last couple of days. Going to visit him tonight and share all these comments. If it doesn't go we'll then it's over.
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Originally Posted by Ariesagain
IMO, the other woman's recovery or lack thereof is her business, not your boyfriend's, and not yours. That's why posters are encouraging you to research codependency, which is basically being over-involved with an addict and trying to control or cure their addiction by your actions.
Your boyfriend at less than six months isn't experienced enough to be an AA sponsor. As for whether her previous sponsor came on to her or vice versa or not at all...does that matter? It's her issue to address.
Seems like you're a fixer by nature and your tendency is to charge into the situation and FIX IT! I can relate. Problem is, as they say...it's not our circus, not our monkeys. Your boyfriend needs to fix himself and she needs to fix herself...without your advice, monitoring, or involvement, no matter how you're itching to clean up their mess.
It's a hard concept to get your head around, I know. If you read more posts on the Friends and Family thread, you can learn a lot here.
Your boyfriend at less than six months isn't experienced enough to be an AA sponsor. As for whether her previous sponsor came on to her or vice versa or not at all...does that matter? It's her issue to address.
Seems like you're a fixer by nature and your tendency is to charge into the situation and FIX IT! I can relate. Problem is, as they say...it's not our circus, not our monkeys. Your boyfriend needs to fix himself and she needs to fix herself...without your advice, monitoring, or involvement, no matter how you're itching to clean up their mess.
It's a hard concept to get your head around, I know. If you read more posts on the Friends and Family thread, you can learn a lot here.
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Picturegirl, I wonder if it is really appropriate for you to show these comments to him. We make these comments to each other in the hopes that they aren't distributed elsewhere.
If the guy is a cheater, you could probably find out rather quickly by making a few discreet inquiries with mutual friends.
Alcoholics can be codependent, too. Yeah, surprising, but it happens all the time. If he is trying to track her down and check up on her: he is being codependent. As others have said, it is discouraged for women to have men sponsors and vice versa in AA. She may not even have a sponsor. She could be taking everyone for a ride.
I would highly recommend chilling out on this one. You are still in the phase of learning about this guy, he is still in the phase of learning about recovery. He has a LONG way to go. He is not really doing the right thing by "checking up" on this AA friend who seems to have obviously left AA.
Did you also know that AA highly discourages anyone starting a new relationship in early recovery, that it recommends at least a year of sobriety? The way I see it you are hearing a lot of warning sirens, but choosing to listen to only one.
If the guy is a cheater, you could probably find out rather quickly by making a few discreet inquiries with mutual friends.
Alcoholics can be codependent, too. Yeah, surprising, but it happens all the time. If he is trying to track her down and check up on her: he is being codependent. As others have said, it is discouraged for women to have men sponsors and vice versa in AA. She may not even have a sponsor. She could be taking everyone for a ride.
I would highly recommend chilling out on this one. You are still in the phase of learning about this guy, he is still in the phase of learning about recovery. He has a LONG way to go. He is not really doing the right thing by "checking up" on this AA friend who seems to have obviously left AA.
Did you also know that AA highly discourages anyone starting a new relationship in early recovery, that it recommends at least a year of sobriety? The way I see it you are hearing a lot of warning sirens, but choosing to listen to only one.
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Yeah, I'd second not showing him what other people have to say about your relationship. Shoe on the other foot, suppose he posted on an AA forum about how his g/f is trying to micromanage his sobriety and give him advice all the time, and people told him how unhelpful it is (most AA folks probably wouldn't do that, but let's pretend), and he brought it to you and said, "See?" You probably wouldn't be real receptive to that.
I agree you should chill. If his behavior makes you feel you can't trust him, maybe best to move on.
And nobody has really mentioned Al-Anon in here (maybe I missed it)--are you going? If not, this would be a great time. Al-Anon can help you keep your focus on YOUR side of the street, where it belongs.
I agree you should chill. If his behavior makes you feel you can't trust him, maybe best to move on.
And nobody has really mentioned Al-Anon in here (maybe I missed it)--are you going? If not, this would be a great time. Al-Anon can help you keep your focus on YOUR side of the street, where it belongs.
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