My limit has been reached
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
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This is good, she is talking about how to say no to a manipulator.
The ACA is a program for anyone who was raised in a dysfunctional
environment. It professes that the outcome for a child is the same
no matter the source or cause of dysfunction. If the laundry list speaks
to you, then you will find help in this program. Alanon focuses on the
relationship dynamics between you and the alcoholic in your life, ACA
is focused on YOU. The first meeting I went to, when I heard the laundry
list read, was a strangely wonderful moment in my life.
Keep learning & asking questions, it will lead you to a better place.
This is good, she is talking about how to say no to a manipulator.
The ACA is a program for anyone who was raised in a dysfunctional
environment. It professes that the outcome for a child is the same
no matter the source or cause of dysfunction. If the laundry list speaks
to you, then you will find help in this program. Alanon focuses on the
relationship dynamics between you and the alcoholic in your life, ACA
is focused on YOU. The first meeting I went to, when I heard the laundry
list read, was a strangely wonderful moment in my life.
Keep learning & asking questions, it will lead you to a better place.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
So he left for the airbnb this morning. I had a moment at work where I forgot and then remembered it would just be me and my daughter tonight. I felt a twinge of sadness and then relief. When he is around, I can't get myself to be as productive as I need to be. When he was in rehab I got so much more done every day!
I don't even know how long he's going to be out of the house...I think 3 weeks? In that time I'm going to visit family at the beach, I'm taking a few days off to get things done at home and I'm going on a work trip (taking my daughter to stay with family).
But my goal is to also consult with a lawyer on my options and look for housing options for me and the little one if it comes to that and create a fool proof plan of my boundaries.
As I was picking up tonight I noticed that his Big Book was sitting on the desk. If that doesn't just speak volumes right there. I can only imagine what a great vacation he's getting. Time to himself, time to drink, gets to sleep in on the weekends. In the meantime I'm going to be using the time to steel myself up, read my list of his destructive behavior and form my plan.
I have to look at who he is as a person and realize that he's not going to change overnight if ever and that means only more chaos and disappointment for me, even if he were to magically be sober in these 3 weeks...which I bet he will be by his own account!...what a miracle! He learned how to recover! Ha!
I read the post about potential and it definitely spoke to me. He is such a sweet, loving person who wants so much to rise above his knee jerk reactions to life, to be more...but we've been together for 12ish years and I can't say he's at a much different place than way back then. It's time to look past the "potential" and deal with facts and reality.
I don't even know how long he's going to be out of the house...I think 3 weeks? In that time I'm going to visit family at the beach, I'm taking a few days off to get things done at home and I'm going on a work trip (taking my daughter to stay with family).
But my goal is to also consult with a lawyer on my options and look for housing options for me and the little one if it comes to that and create a fool proof plan of my boundaries.
As I was picking up tonight I noticed that his Big Book was sitting on the desk. If that doesn't just speak volumes right there. I can only imagine what a great vacation he's getting. Time to himself, time to drink, gets to sleep in on the weekends. In the meantime I'm going to be using the time to steel myself up, read my list of his destructive behavior and form my plan.
I have to look at who he is as a person and realize that he's not going to change overnight if ever and that means only more chaos and disappointment for me, even if he were to magically be sober in these 3 weeks...which I bet he will be by his own account!...what a miracle! He learned how to recover! Ha!
I read the post about potential and it definitely spoke to me. He is such a sweet, loving person who wants so much to rise above his knee jerk reactions to life, to be more...but we've been together for 12ish years and I can't say he's at a much different place than way back then. It's time to look past the "potential" and deal with facts and reality.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
The thing about addicts are that they can be sweet, successful, charming, intellectual, funny and a whole slew of traits that made us fall in love with them in the first place. Your typical addict is not the stereotype homeless, dirty, not clean shaven, stinky guy you see on the street digging through garbage for his next fix. Your typical addict has good traits but a BIG problem. That is why it's so challenging to leave in these circumstances. In the end though, you need to save yourself and your daughter. It's like the plague, if your husband is infected would you stay with your daughter in the house and eventually die a gruelling death? Or would you try to do everything in your power to save your daughter?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
So I have a question that I'd like some thoughts on...
Tonight is the first night that my AH is not in the house. And I can feel the lack of my normal tension, resentment and kind of broken attention span. I feel calm in my own home and it's been a long time since I felt that. I started cleaning and taking care of things on my to do list after my daughter went to bed when I normally can only zone out with TV until I go to bed myself.
So my question is how much responsibility do I take for my own inability to feel this way/be productive when my AH is home, even on a "normal" night when he may not have drank, we aren't in a fight, etc? I realize I am in control of my own actions, I wouldn't say HE'S keeping me from doing what I need to do day to day. But I don't know how to feel healthy and focus on what I need to do when he's around the house, a literal embodiment/reminder of my AH not working recovery but fooling himself into thinking he is. Is it even possible to work on my emotional health while living with an A and waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is it selfish of me as a spouse to say "I can't even focus on working on my own health until you are gone?"
When he was in rehab for 30 days, I got so much done, I was keeping on top of daily to do lists and was organized and tidy. And it made me think "I haven't been doing enough, I haven't been pulling my weight, I need to continue this once he's home." And then he came back and I just slipped right back to just being able to zone out at the end of the day, getting the bare minimum done each day after work and my daughter.
I guess at the root of it all is I feel guilty for only being able to be a better version of me, for me, when he isn't around. Like I'm asking all this work from him and I can't even be my best self.
Any thoughts or insights on this is greatly appreciated. I'm struggling with it.
Tonight is the first night that my AH is not in the house. And I can feel the lack of my normal tension, resentment and kind of broken attention span. I feel calm in my own home and it's been a long time since I felt that. I started cleaning and taking care of things on my to do list after my daughter went to bed when I normally can only zone out with TV until I go to bed myself.
So my question is how much responsibility do I take for my own inability to feel this way/be productive when my AH is home, even on a "normal" night when he may not have drank, we aren't in a fight, etc? I realize I am in control of my own actions, I wouldn't say HE'S keeping me from doing what I need to do day to day. But I don't know how to feel healthy and focus on what I need to do when he's around the house, a literal embodiment/reminder of my AH not working recovery but fooling himself into thinking he is. Is it even possible to work on my emotional health while living with an A and waiting for the other shoe to drop? Is it selfish of me as a spouse to say "I can't even focus on working on my own health until you are gone?"
When he was in rehab for 30 days, I got so much done, I was keeping on top of daily to do lists and was organized and tidy. And it made me think "I haven't been doing enough, I haven't been pulling my weight, I need to continue this once he's home." And then he came back and I just slipped right back to just being able to zone out at the end of the day, getting the bare minimum done each day after work and my daughter.
I guess at the root of it all is I feel guilty for only being able to be a better version of me, for me, when he isn't around. Like I'm asking all this work from him and I can't even be my best self.
Any thoughts or insights on this is greatly appreciated. I'm struggling with it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FutureTrip.....it sounds l ike he is a big trigger for you...a huge anxiety producer...
It is hard to be focused and energetic and productive when one is in the midst of an anxiety state.....it just is!
It is on your shoulders to decide how much you can stand and what is acceptable for you to live with......
each person is different....Some are able to detach enough to live with an alcoholic, and all that it entails....and, for others, this is not possible.....
It is not "Selfish" to honor your own feelings and needs. You are as important as he is. In the family...it comes about that the alcoholic becomes the most important person in the family constellation....by necessity....as all of the energy and resources are focused on them.....
You are not just a "wife"....you are a person, also...a human being....
dandylion
It is hard to be focused and energetic and productive when one is in the midst of an anxiety state.....it just is!
It is on your shoulders to decide how much you can stand and what is acceptable for you to live with......
each person is different....Some are able to detach enough to live with an alcoholic, and all that it entails....and, for others, this is not possible.....
It is not "Selfish" to honor your own feelings and needs. You are as important as he is. In the family...it comes about that the alcoholic becomes the most important person in the family constellation....by necessity....as all of the energy and resources are focused on them.....
You are not just a "wife"....you are a person, also...a human being....
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You can't live an organized, healthy, productive life with active addiction in the house. Not possible. All your energy is directed towards being tensed up, ready for the blow up. And it's not your fault he's addicted, therefore, it's not your fault that you can't magically overcome his chaos.
No one but you can decide how you want to live your life, either in serenity or drama, but that's not as easy as decision as it sounds, I know.
Sending you a hug.
No one but you can decide how you want to live your life, either in serenity or drama, but that's not as easy as decision as it sounds, I know.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi FT,
All I can say is that I experienced much the same. When my STBXAH came home from work, my anxiety instantly increased. But if he wasn't home from work, I'd be anxious wondering when he'd get home, and whether or not he'd be drunk (or, more realistically, how drunk he would be). I'd escape to our bedroom as soon as I got the kids to bed, and then I would just hope he would leave me alone. I'd be reading or doing work and involuntarily cringing whenever I heard the ice machine.
That's no way to live.
All I can say is that I experienced much the same. When my STBXAH came home from work, my anxiety instantly increased. But if he wasn't home from work, I'd be anxious wondering when he'd get home, and whether or not he'd be drunk (or, more realistically, how drunk he would be). I'd escape to our bedroom as soon as I got the kids to bed, and then I would just hope he would leave me alone. I'd be reading or doing work and involuntarily cringing whenever I heard the ice machine.
That's no way to live.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
So he's been out of the house since Thursday. He came over tonight to see our daughter and do the bedtime routine. After she went to bed he told me that he's working on the 4th step which I guess involves trying to look at the situation through my eyes and he thinks that will be really helpful. I told him that his "recovery" is his deal, but that I can't even consider him actually being in recovery given the last few months. And that I find it very hard to believe that he is working on the 4th step when i haven't seen any indication of him having mastered the 1st step, admitting he is powerless over alcohol. In the last week he's told me that things wouldn't have gotten so bad if he hadn't also been on zoloft while drinking and that he hasn't gotten drunk when he has drank recently so he's made progress since it's not as bad as before. To me, this does not show any semblance of step 1. To this he just kind of said "Okay" and got up to leave.
While he didn't say anything defensive or put any blame on me in our short conversation, him just looking beat down and sad makes me feel guilty. I kept stopping myself from trying to add comments trying to make him feel better. He said thank you for letting me see daughter and I love you very much. I couldn't even say I love you back. And while I was being honest to myself as to where I am right now, I still feel like **** for it.
While he didn't say anything defensive or put any blame on me in our short conversation, him just looking beat down and sad makes me feel guilty. I kept stopping myself from trying to add comments trying to make him feel better. He said thank you for letting me see daughter and I love you very much. I couldn't even say I love you back. And while I was being honest to myself as to where I am right now, I still feel like **** for it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Future.....I think that you are doing well....especially not trying to erase his pain for him....or buying into his various "theories".....and not offering him any false hope.
He is. obviously, leaning on your guilt buttons, really hard. Lol....he knows, of course, that it is your hot button....and, that if he just keeps at it...he might wear you down. (you must not allow that to happen).
If he is talking about "steps"...he sounds like he might be going to AA.....
If so, and, if he continues, they will be able to enlighten him as to what recovery is about......
You are doing good, futureTrip.
dandylion
He is. obviously, leaning on your guilt buttons, really hard. Lol....he knows, of course, that it is your hot button....and, that if he just keeps at it...he might wear you down. (you must not allow that to happen).
If he is talking about "steps"...he sounds like he might be going to AA.....
If so, and, if he continues, they will be able to enlighten him as to what recovery is about......
You are doing good, futureTrip.
dandylion
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
and that he hasn't gotten drunk when he has drank recently so he's made progress since it's not as bad as before.
if he is still drinking.......there is NO recovery. working the steps is pointless.
step 4 has NOTHING to do with another's perception. NOT ONE THING.
he's blowing smoke. he MAY be fooling himself, but please do not be fooled by his WORDS. are you sure it's a good idea to allow him back in given that nothing has changed????
if he is still drinking.......there is NO recovery. working the steps is pointless.
step 4 has NOTHING to do with another's perception. NOT ONE THING.
he's blowing smoke. he MAY be fooling himself, but please do not be fooled by his WORDS. are you sure it's a good idea to allow him back in given that nothing has changed????
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Exactly what Anvil said. Everything he has said to you indicates he is trying to pretend he's working a program and that he's "improving"--almost any alcoholic can temporarily reduce the amount he/she has been drinking. I did that sort of thing for four years before I could admit that I not only HADN'T "improved," but my alcoholism had progressed substantially in that period of time.
I think it must be sort of confusing for your daughter to have him in to tuck her in at night. I'd suggest talking with a lawyer and figuring out a custody/visitation schedule that will be enforceable. Preferably supervised visitation, since he's still drinking. How old is your daughter?
I think it must be sort of confusing for your daughter to have him in to tuck her in at night. I'd suggest talking with a lawyer and figuring out a custody/visitation schedule that will be enforceable. Preferably supervised visitation, since he's still drinking. How old is your daughter?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
My daughter is 21 months old, not even 2. I don't think it's confusing for her, I think it's a good thing for her to be able to see him. She doesn't ask where he is in the morning and is just happy when he is there.
I haven't let him back in, not by a long shot. But I do think he should be involved with visiting her. I think him just being *poof* gone from her life would be more confusing. This way she knows he's still around and she can feel secure and stable in that now.
And visits are supervised. He isn't left alone with her.
I haven't let him back in, not by a long shot. But I do think he should be involved with visiting her. I think him just being *poof* gone from her life would be more confusing. This way she knows he's still around and she can feel secure and stable in that now.
And visits are supervised. He isn't left alone with her.
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