My limit has been reached

Old 06-19-2016, 05:28 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thlayli's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
Originally Posted by LeeJane View Post
When my drinking addiction was active, I was EXACTLY like this. I knew and admitted I was an alcoholic and was desperate to stop. I would swear to myself that I wouldn't drink that day, and yet a few hours later. I did. I hated myself for it.
This is me on the Codie side of things. I know I need to detach. I know I shouldn't go out to the garage, shouldn't check his phone messages, shouldn't check the spare bed to see if he made it home...but I do.
Thlayli is offline  
Old 06-19-2016, 05:52 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
Member
 
alcoholics wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by FutureTrip View Post
Thank you everyone for your support and words. I think writing out a list of why I'm doing this and pros for making this change will help me a lot. I was wondering if anyone has a similar experience with their alcoholic as my AH, as in that admits he is an alcoholic, he truly means it when he says he won't drink again (until he picks up his next drink), he hides the drinks he does have because I think he really thinks "that was one slip up, no more" but he keeps doing it. He WANTS this to end, but he it is too hard for him to fight. I read so many stories wives leaving when their AH won't admit there is a problem or flat out say they won't or don't want to stop. Because I see the pain of the struggle he's going through, it does make it so much harder for me to turn my back. It feels cold sometimes evenot though I know it's what I have to do.
FT, this is many cases. My ex was addicted to gambling. There were countless of occasions where he blew his pay check in one night, cried, vowed he won't do it again, stays "good" for a month, and then boom the whole cycle continues again. I left 9 years ago and to no surprise, you can still find him at the local casinos every pay check Friday's.

My Husband is an alcoholic. He fully admits he is an alcoholic. A couple years ago he quit cold turkey, was sober for a few months. Then boom, one sip of beer leads him back at square one. Drank for the next couple years until 2 months ago where he checked into rehab. At first he was hesitant to go to rehab and thought he can just quit on his own and that he can muster up the strength to quit "cold turkey" again and he certainly meant well saying that, but without knowledge and understanding about the disease you are just setting yourself up for failure.

Has your husband bothered to educate himself on addiction? Gone to any support group meetings? This would certainly be a good first step, but, of course it needs to be up to him and not you. Or he may be like most addicts that know they have a problem, wants to be left alone to control their own addiction the way they want to, end of story. The fact that he is hiding booze from you is proof that he wants to be left alone. He doesn't want to hear the negative consequences that he knows will come from you finding out.
alcoholics wife is offline  
Old 06-19-2016, 06:24 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
Member
 
alcoholics wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by Thlayli View Post
This is me on the Codie side of things. I know I need to detach. I know I shouldn't go out to the garage, shouldn't check his phone messages, shouldn't check the spare bed to see if he made it home...but I do.
Ditto. I know I should bite my tongue and not say anything when he cracked open a beer. I know I shouldn't question him about his plans for the future and steps towards his sobriety. I know I shouldn't give him death stares when he opens up the fridge to grab a beer. Sometimes I manage to let things slide for a week. But I get the itch and the itch becomes too much that I unfortunately succumb to blurting out "how many beers did you have today?". Then I feel foolish because deep down I know that this doesn't change a thing, that I only caused more friction and drama. The cycle repeats.
alcoholics wife is offline  
Old 06-19-2016, 09:21 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by FutureTrip View Post
He went to a 30 day rehab in February, was supposed to do out patient after but quit that after a week saying he'd go to AA meetings instead, stopped going to regular meetings after a month or so and currently goes to 1 meeting a week at the rehab center and has a sponsor he sees once every week or two to work on the steps, but he doesn't use him for day to day support and I doubt the sponsor even knows the extent that he's continued drinking.
Hi FT... I am about a month ahead of you. Same story. My XABF, whom I finally left on June 1st, is an almost exact reflection of my situation. It was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made, but I know in my brain that it was the right one. I am still convincing my heart what my brain already knows. I am right there with you. I don't regret leaving, but it doesn't mean that I am not in an extreme amount of pain, emotionally. Please read my backstory and you will be able to see how similar our situation is. We will be here to support you! Lots of hugs.......
caretaker88 is offline  
Old 06-19-2016, 09:44 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi FT,
I think your AHs cycle of wanting to quit and drinking again is common. Read the newcomers thread on the alcoholics' board. It was eye-opening for me.
sauerkraut is offline  
Old 06-19-2016, 10:36 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Member
 
jada1981's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 157
Originally Posted by FutureTrip View Post
I was wondering if anyone has a similar experience with their alcoholic as my AH, as in that admits he is an alcoholic, he truly means it when he says he won't drink again (until he picks up his next drink), he hides the drinks he does have because I think he really thinks "that was one slip up, no more" but he keeps doing it. He WANTS this to end, but he it is too hard for him to fight. I read so many stories wives leaving when their AH won't admit there is a problem or flat out say they won't or don't want to stop. Because I see the pain of the struggle he's going through, it does make it so much harder for me to turn my back. It feels cold sometimes evenot though I know it's what I have to do.
Hi FT. I am in this situation. About 3.5 years ago, my STBXAH finally admitted he had a drinking problem. We've seen a few different counselors together, and he's gone to AA off and on. Well, about a year ago, he admitted to me that when he initially told me he had a problem, he wasn't really committed to quitting. However, this time he was. And actually, he immersed himself and was posting here on SR, reading books, going to AA. After about 1.5 months, he relapsed. Once that happened, I noticed he stopped posting on SR, stopped reading his books and although he attended AA, he never got a sponsor or worked the steps. He would go about a month or month and half with no drinking, then drink again. He finally got a DUI at the end of January and that's when I had to follow through and divorce him.

Once he knew I was serious about the divorce, the blame and denial started. If I hadn't been trying to control his drinking all these years, he probably wouldn't even have a problem (according to him.) We've been living apart for about 2 months now and he's freely told me that he's drinking.

Maybe he never really believed he had a problem? Maybe he was just doing whatever he could to keep our marriage together, even if that meant saying he was an alcoholic. Either way, it doesn't matter what he SAYS. My therapist made me understand that I need to be a behaviorist. So what if your husband tells you he's an alcoholic? All that matters is his actions.

I commend you for taking this huge, scary step. Believe me, it gets better. I am just now starting to feel happiness for the first time in 13 years (the length of my relationship with STBXAH.) Keep posting and know you are doing the best thing you could do for you and your child.
jada1981 is offline  
Old 06-20-2016, 08:20 PM
  # 27 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Well, he's put me in a much tougher situation than just getting to the point of finally sticking to my guns and telling him he needs to move out.

He told me tonight he is refusing to move out. He asked to stay with a friend and that isn't going to work and he can't afford a place to live on his income, which is absolutely the case. So he's decided he's not moving, that this is his home too, we will work together to insure our daughter is not put in harms way, that he will tell me if he drinks (ha!) and he'll start going to meetings. And I'm the unreasonable one for even asking him to move out. I'm making things harder than they need to be, he says.

I am at a complete loss. It took me so long to commit to asking him to leave. I don't have it in me right now to go the divorce route. I just need time to ******* think! I'm so stressed out, trying to manage this chaos, my full time job, my daughter, no family within hundreds of miles to lean on except for the phone calls that are never ending. I don't want this to get nasty, I just need space to breathe for awhile. He's forcing my hand into something I don't want/can't deal with right now.

I don't even know what to do. I can't even call my family to discuss because they will just tell me to call a lawyer immediately, to take another leave of absence from work (which is not an option), to quit and move back to another state (which is not an option given custody) and they will get so exasperated with the fact that I don't want to do any of that. All I want is for him to move out and to get a little peace.

As far as me moving out, he can't come close to affording our rent on his own, I'd be packing up me and my daughter and then lose our apartment that we've lived in for 11 years. It would be easier to just go through a divorce. The nastiness would end up the same.

I have no ******* clue what to do.
FutureTrip is offline  
Old 06-20-2016, 08:35 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Member
 
mylifeismine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 815
Maybe you haven't read this before, I had not until a few weeks ago....

Adult Children of Alcoholics

(the flip side is recovery)

Maybe this will help you in your window of clarity. It is indeed
a very difficult thing for a child growing up in an alcoholic home.
mylifeismine is offline  
Old 06-20-2016, 08:59 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
FutureTrip....do you know if legal separation is possible in your state?......
I've heard of situations where the person who is caring for the children is allowed to stay in the house with the children as a part of the separation agreement.
separation is not a divorce......

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-21-2016, 11:11 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,887
Originally Posted by FutureTrip View Post
Well, he's put me in a much tougher situation than just getting to the point of finally sticking to my guns and telling him he needs to move out.

He told me tonight he is refusing to move out. He asked to stay with a friend and that isn't going to work and he can't afford a place to live on his income, which is absolutely the case. So he's decided he's not moving, that this is his home too, we will work together to insure our daughter is not put in harms way, that he will tell me if he drinks (ha!) and he'll start going to meetings. And I'm the unreasonable one for even asking him to move out. I'm making things harder than they need to be, he says.

I am at a complete loss. It took me so long to commit to asking him to leave. I don't have it in me right now to go the divorce route. I just need time to ******* think! I'm so stressed out, trying to manage this chaos, my full time job, my daughter, no family within hundreds of miles to lean on except for the phone calls that are never ending. I don't want this to get nasty, I just need space to breathe for awhile. He's forcing my hand into something I don't want/can't deal with right now.

I don't even know what to do. I can't even call my family to discuss because they will just tell me to call a lawyer immediately, to take another leave of absence from work (which is not an option), to quit and move back to another state (which is not an option given custody) and they will get so exasperated with the fact that I don't want to do any of that. All I want is for him to move out and to get a little peace.

As far as me moving out, he can't come close to affording our rent on his own, I'd be packing up me and my daughter and then lose our apartment that we've lived in for 11 years. It would be easier to just go through a divorce. The nastiness would end up the same.

I have no ******* clue what to do.
Ahh Future, that sounds really tough. Specially after you managed to muster the strength to ask him to leave. Kudos for doing that.

I suppose now you need to figure out the next-right-action whatever that is.

Keep posting and let us know how you are and we will provide all the electronic help possible.
Bekindalways is online now  
Old 06-21-2016, 06:39 PM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 430
Hi FT,
My AH wouldn't leave either, so I did. If he can't afford the rent, isn't that his problem? It seems like he's the one who has created the mess but he's making you suffer the consequences. If your name is on the lease, can you plan ahead to remove yourself from the lease when it comes up for renewal?

Of course moving out is not easy either, and it's definitely not fair, but if the choice is to continue living with him . . . maybe there is a peaceful separate home for you and your daughter? You might want to just look around and see what you can find that might be affordable and pleasant.

I'm not surprised that he said he won't move out. That would make his life more difficult, which of course he doesn't want. However, both As and the rest of us pay the most attention to actions, not words.
sauerkraut is offline  
Old 06-21-2016, 06:48 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,373
Your child should not continue to have to live with an actively drinking parent.

If you have to move, move.
Coming up with rent is his problem, not yours.
Hawkeye13 is online now  
Old 06-22-2016, 09:22 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: May 2016
Posts: 52
Mylifeismine, thank you for that link. It's eye opening for me. It's funny, a lot of that describes me to a T. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic family but my mother did and my house was probably pretty close given the chaotic mood swings of my father and his domineering personality. I absolutely do not want my daughter to inherit those traits.

I feel like I'm beating the same drum, asking the same questions, but maybe if I hear the answers enough, I'll finally manage up more strength....

I am struggling with how to move forward. I don't see a positive end to this, but everything in both of our actions is just so wrapped up in chaos that I don't know which way is up.

I finally convinced him to rent an airbnb for at least a few weeks so I can get some space and so I can think of my next step. In the meantime I've gone from detachment, empathy and understanding to over the top rage at him. Anger that he's making this harder for me, anger that he's playing the victim and not taking responsibility for all of this, that he's blaming me for not giving him another chance. He's putting guilt on me, that he would never do this to me if the tables were turned, that I'm not supporting him and kicking him when he's down, that I'm not holding up my end of "sickness and health". And all of that gets into my head. All of that makes me feel guilty, makes me feel like an awful person. I can't stand it when people are disappointed in me and question my intentions, and it's getting me to question everything on my end. He says he's always accepted me and my faults unconditionally, which is so very true. He's using that against me, that he says I don't love him unconditionally.

In the meantime, he hasn't done a single thing to show he's committed to a recovery since Thursday. He didn't go to his Monday rehab meeting because he felt sick and awful. He didn't meet with his sponsor last night because of the same reason and because he had to get up early the next day. He hasn't called his sponsor at all during all of this. Last night he was working on his little projects and when I stupidly said sarcastically "How's that studying the book, working on recovery going?" he said he wasn't expecting to have to leave so soon so he had to get his little hobbies finished up. Because THAT'S what's important right now, right?

He is sick and broken. He's got a head wound, a broken finger, a horrible cold and cough. He DOES feel awful, but if he was committed, if he was taking me seriously, he'd still do whatever it took to show me that he's going to earn my trust back, that sobriety is important, right?

He still holds on to that he thinks he just "slipped up after doing so well for so long". He was only sober for 5 days!! To him that is a lifetime, and I understand that from his pov, but then how in the he'll is he going to make it to even 30, 60, 120 days??! Especially when he isn't even trying to do anything different in regards to recovery.

Sorry, I'm kind of ranting now. Its just so hard for me to hold on to feeling like I'm doing the right thing when he can convince me that I'm not, that I'm giving up on him too easily. I guess he feels like it could be way worse. And it could. So I guess he wants me to wait until he fixes it or everything implodes.
FutureTrip is offline  
Old 06-22-2016, 09:46 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,373
From what you've said, he is just placating you
and has not intention of stopping for good.

They say "recovery looks like recovery" around here.
Does this look / feel in any way like recovery to you?

Get him out of the house, take some time, and make
plans assuming he isn't really done.
If he is, you can always modify them.

I'm sorry--I think your anger is actually much healthier than the guilt.
He did this to himself and to his family.
You are just trying to protect your child, who is innocent, and that's
being a good mama in my book, not "kicking him while he's down".
Hawkeye13 is online now  
Old 06-22-2016, 09:48 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
futureTrip.....I suggest that you take a piece of paper and write the reasons...the top 4 or 5 reasons for needing to leave...and the very worst things that have happened.......Carry it with you at ALL times. Read it as many times a day as you need to...every time your heart overrules your head!

You know that this is standard operating procedure for every alcoholic who wants to keep the enabler in their orbit----
Cast blame on the other...push the "guilt" buttons, big time.....beg for another chance, like a dog at the dinner table.......

LOL...he wouldn't even know what to do with another ch ance if he got it.....he isn't even close to committing to lasting recovery......

You might read the article under "Classic Readings" in the stickies at the top of the page........."10 ways to know when your addict or alcoholic is full of crap"...

Think about your daughter....often, parents wil do for their kids what whey are unable to do for themselves.....

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-22-2016, 12:01 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
FT, I informed XAH that he needed to move out while we were in the car on the way back from his 2-1/2 day hospital stay for the injuries I posted about earlier. He actually asked me if it was God's will that he move out or just honeypig's will.

REALLY? FRICKING SERIOUSLY? You are going to invoke GOD'S WILL as a reason for you to continue to live in my house and drink and cause who knows what havoc next??? And neither of us is/was religious, so I honestly don't know what synapse was shorting out in his brain to even make him say something like this!

In the time since, I have questioned how I handled this and the timing of it and on occasion I've beaten myself up pretty severely about it, but the end result--him being out--is so undoubtedly right that I usually am able to let myself off the hook on grounds of self-preservation. But the "God's will" thing--now that pretty much makes me laugh every time I remember it...

I don't mean to sound hard or cold about this, or to make light of it, but it is just so absurd, looking back on it, so unreal.

And so you see the lengths to which people may go...
honeypig is offline  
Old 06-22-2016, 12:11 PM
  # 37 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
honeypig.....I actually remember this story from when you reported it before....and I laughed out l oud, then, just l ike I did, now, reading about it again!!!!!
It is so funny....especially, given that he is not very religious....
I have to give him credit....that was good thinking--off the top of his head.....

You might have asked him...."Is is God's will or your own will that you drink so damn much?"

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-22-2016, 12:55 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
FT, count me as another who just sucked it up and moved out after my STBXAH SAID he would move out, then the very next day acted as though nothing had happened. Unbeknownst to me, we were two months behind on rent. I had to borrow A LOT of money to catch up on that rent so my landlord would give me a halfway decent landlord reference. Even then, I still had to prepay my last month's rent to get my current landlord to rent to me (more money borrowed). AND I had to pay down a big balance with the utility company before they would move my service to a new address (still more money borrowed).

Fact: by your own account, your AH's behavior shows basically NO real commitment to sobriety.

Fact: even if he WAS committed to sobriety, you still need time and space, and his sobriety journey would benefit from the same time and space. A separation would still be a good idea for everybody even if he was devoted to his program.

When I moved out, my three children and I ended up in a small, 2-bedroom apartment. I sleep in the living room. And we are all happier and more at peace, than we have been in over 5 years.

I understand the practical considerations you are facing. I had a lot of them, too. I ALSO used them as excuses to postpone leaving. If it were me, I would call the current landlord. Figure out how much time is left on the lease. Figure out the penalty for breaking the lease. I agree with whoever upthread said that your AH's ability or inability to pay rent is his problem, and you shouldn't continue to live in misery because of it. You can notify your landlord that YOU will be moving out and breaking the lease, and your AH can do whatever he wants to do, rather than having you (purposely and inadvertently) shielding him from the consequences of his behavior.
Wisconsin is offline  
Old 06-22-2016, 07:50 PM
  # 39 (permalink)  
Member
 
alcoholics wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 216
Originally Posted by FutureTrip View Post
He's putting guilt on me, that he would never do this to me if the tables were turned, that I'm not supporting him and kicking him when he's down, that I'm not holding up my end of "sickness and health". And all of that gets into my head. All of that makes me feel guilty, makes me feel like an awful person. I can't stand it when people are disappointed in me and question my intentions, and it's getting me to question everything on my end. He says he's always accepted me and my faults unconditionally, which is so very true. He's using that against me, that he says I don't love him unconditionally. In the meantime, he hasn't done a single thing to show he's committed to a recovery since Thursday. He didn't go to his Monday rehab meeting because he felt sick and awful. He didn't meet with his sponsor last night because of the same reason and because he had to get up early the next day. He hasn't called his sponsor at all during all of this. Last night he was working on his little projects and when I stupidly said sarcastically "How's that studying the book, working on recovery going?" he said he wasn't expecting to have to leave so soon so he had to get his little hobbies finished up. Because THAT'S what's important right now, right? He is sick and broken. He's got a head wound, a broken finger, a horrible cold and cough. He DOES feel awful, but if he was committed, if he was taking me seriously, he'd still do whatever it took to show me that he's going to earn my trust back, that sobriety is important, right? He still holds on to that he thinks he just "slipped up after doing so well for so long". He was only sober for 5 days!! To him that is a lifetime, and I understand that from his pov, but then how in the he'll is he going to make it to even 30, 60, 120 days??! Especially when he isn't even trying to do anything different in regards to recovery. Sorry, I'm kind of ranting now. Its just so hard for me to hold on to feeling like I'm doing the right thing when he can convince me that I'm not, that I'm giving up on him too easily. I guess he feels like it could be way worse. And it could. So I guess he wants me to wait until he fixes it or everything implodes.
FT,
Your husband doesn't have a clue what it's really like to be married to an alcoholic. He can go off all he wants about "in sickness and in health". My AH sang the same tune too as if I was the monster that would even think about leaving. Then he went to rehab and learned a lot about addiction, sobriety and codependency. Called me from rehab and set his boundaries stating that he needs a marriage that is codependent-free for his sobriety and overall well-being and if it isn't he will need to consider divorce.
Then the tables were turned! I stuck through so many years putting up with his drinking and now he is telling me he ain't gunna put up with my codependency tendencies!

It just goes to show that when someone is getting "healthier", gaining independence, self-worth, self-love etc. They are more understanding of what they need and require and understand that the "in sickness and in health" analogy doesn't work as a sick person will drag a healthy person to become sick. Where's the real love in having two sick people?
alcoholics wife is offline  
Old 06-22-2016, 08:42 PM
  # 40 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
The way I see it is the addict has been cheating on their spouse. Booze or another woman, whats the difference? Either way something is coming between them and their spouse.

I have hit my limit too. AW was talking about moving out a month ago into one of our empty rental units. I reluctantly agreed but she never did it. Well she is on another binge. This time when she sobers up I am doing everything I can to encourage her to voluntarily move out. If it means being an ass hole to her, so be it. I have hit my limit and cant take it any more.
Hayfmr is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:57 AM.