I need to move forward!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I need to move forward!!!
Why is it so hard to grasp that your axh has fallen in "love" with someone else.
Why is it so hard to move forward in life?? After 34 years together why can't I let it him go? It just sucks, I wish I could just stop caring!!
Why is it so hard to move forward in life?? After 34 years together why can't I let it him go? It just sucks, I wish I could just stop caring!!
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 3,699
After 34 years together why can't I let it him go
Go easy on yourself - you are allowed to be hurt and sad. There is no timeline on grief - it will ebb and tide, and the waves of it will just get farther and fewer between. You have lost A LOT!
Please do good things for yourself. Spoil yourself. Keep busty with healthy activity. Spend time with people you love, and time alone. It will come.
It's hard when we feel they have moved on and let us go so quickly. Replacement, avoidance and substances are NOT the healthy way to do it. YOU are doing this the healthy way - we feel it - ALL OF IT - and then, we can let it go.
Best to you Maia, peace and happiness will come. <3
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
maia....basically, it boils down to human nature. LOL...I have written explanations of this until my fingers are little stubs.....but, alas, my efforts have not seemed to remove the pain from anyone who has asked that question!!
It seems that that question turns o ut to be mostly rhetorical, for most who ask it....
If you are interested, though, you can find my particular explanations by doing a search of my posts ...with the key words "romantic love" "romantic attraction"...."Mother Nature" "biology" "bonding hormones".....etc..
Go to the "search" button, at the top of the main page....
Yes, it does suck!
dandylion
It seems that that question turns o ut to be mostly rhetorical, for most who ask it....
If you are interested, though, you can find my particular explanations by doing a search of my posts ...with the key words "romantic love" "romantic attraction"...."Mother Nature" "biology" "bonding hormones".....etc..
Go to the "search" button, at the top of the main page....
Yes, it does suck!
dandylion
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I'm in the same boat Maia.
After decades together it's only natural we are curious what's going on with our ex-spouses. I don't think it's possible to turn that off completely.
I was (am) very hurt at how fast he replaced me, even though I know it is with another person as broken as him .Sho enables him his bad habits so I am sure he "loves" her after dealing with all my codie shenanigans.
I want to be able to be happy for him, but I am not there yet.
Still hurts.
After decades together it's only natural we are curious what's going on with our ex-spouses. I don't think it's possible to turn that off completely.
I was (am) very hurt at how fast he replaced me, even though I know it is with another person as broken as him .Sho enables him his bad habits so I am sure he "loves" her after dealing with all my codie shenanigans.
I want to be able to be happy for him, but I am not there yet.
Still hurts.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
I think part of it is just human nature, no one wants to see their ex fall in love with someone else. Even in relationships that have nothing to do with substance abuse, after a very long relationship it can still be like a kick in the gut to find out an ex is getting engaged, married, or just plain ole moving on.
Another part of it might have to be that as the loved ones of addicts we think that WE are the only ones that can bring our addict loved one back to their "real self" or that without US they will fall apart and not be able to function. That without US they would be miserable, and without US the world will stop spinning. Also, a lot of times when we leave because of one reason or another we can in the back of our minds think that if I leave he will realize what he is doing wrong so he will fix it and come crawling back as the man I always knew he could be.
It hurts but just allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that come with the territory and tell yourself that what you are feeling is healthy and validated and that you are okay. I found that in the past if I got upset I would tell myself I was being irrational or over reacting. Now I validate my emotions and let them out this way I can move forward without bottling them up.
Another part of it might have to be that as the loved ones of addicts we think that WE are the only ones that can bring our addict loved one back to their "real self" or that without US they will fall apart and not be able to function. That without US they would be miserable, and without US the world will stop spinning. Also, a lot of times when we leave because of one reason or another we can in the back of our minds think that if I leave he will realize what he is doing wrong so he will fix it and come crawling back as the man I always knew he could be.
It hurts but just allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that come with the territory and tell yourself that what you are feeling is healthy and validated and that you are okay. I found that in the past if I got upset I would tell myself I was being irrational or over reacting. Now I validate my emotions and let them out this way I can move forward without bottling them up.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
How do you know he is in “love”? Are you just assuming because maybe he has a new someone in his life? Usually the only real love the alcoholic has in their life is the booze and probably enablers.
Often we view things based solely on our own history, maybe you are assuming that this new person is just like you, has the same feelings just like you and that he today is the same person you fell in love with many years ago which you know is just not true.
Maybe she doesn't need to feel "respected" like you do, maybe she needs to be with someone who is selfish and emotionally unavailable to her. It's absolutely a waste of your energy to imagine that his relationship with her is like yours but "better." Impossible! 2 people bring 2 unique sets of needs, attitudes and behaviors to a relationship and we all know alcoholics don’t have relationships, they take hostages.
It’s not been that long since your world changed, it changed for the better for you, but the longer you keep looking back the less good things of today you will see.
Often we view things based solely on our own history, maybe you are assuming that this new person is just like you, has the same feelings just like you and that he today is the same person you fell in love with many years ago which you know is just not true.
Maybe she doesn't need to feel "respected" like you do, maybe she needs to be with someone who is selfish and emotionally unavailable to her. It's absolutely a waste of your energy to imagine that his relationship with her is like yours but "better." Impossible! 2 people bring 2 unique sets of needs, attitudes and behaviors to a relationship and we all know alcoholics don’t have relationships, they take hostages.
It’s not been that long since your world changed, it changed for the better for you, but the longer you keep looking back the less good things of today you will see.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 122
Hey Maia,
I was married for 31 yrs and 11 months! I suppose I'm moving on but I believe I would have a rage stroke if my xah met someone else and then straightened up! I still get angry when I think about how stupid it was of me-financially, emotionally, and health wise to stay for so long.
Good luck with your new life and enjoy the adventure
I was married for 31 yrs and 11 months! I suppose I'm moving on but I believe I would have a rage stroke if my xah met someone else and then straightened up! I still get angry when I think about how stupid it was of me-financially, emotionally, and health wise to stay for so long.
Good luck with your new life and enjoy the adventure
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by firebolt 
It's hard when we feel they have moved on and let us go so quickly. Replacement, avoidance and substances are NOT the healthy way to do it. YOU are doing this the healthy way - we feel it - ALL OF IT - and then, we can let it go.
Allowing ourselves to feel it is the only way we can truly "release" these emotions.
You will start to feel lighter and lighter and you can rest easy knowing that these emotions won't come back to bite you in the butt in the future if you are someday forced to deal with them.
I imagine this is why A's keep drinking, avoiding or replacing. They are not allowing themselves to feel emotion, however the longer they wait, the harder it will be to process and the more destruction they will have caused along the way. On some level they know this!
Focus on your recovery and you will move forward in your own time
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
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Maia-
I was only married five years AND I have been divorced over five years. When I am struggling with shame/blame or other challenging emotions it is so easy for me to believe there is something wrong with me that I am still struggling with the feelings of missing my ex.
When in a better emotional spot I can put in appropriate perspective that it is more than just this relationship I am in recovery for. I have a lifetime of codependent behavior from before my relationship. I am learning boundaries, self-care, and staying in my own "seat" when conflict arises in any environment (I used to just check out). Grief for me has been cyclical rather than linear and I am grieving more than just the loss of relationship. I feel like the ending of my marriage allowed me to look at all the past hurt and work through them.
Finally my feelings of loss are different. Each time they come up it is at a deeper layer of it, and deeper layer of healing happens.
I think sometimes the outside world also judges me as I have not been in another relationship. The truth is I am not ready for one. I used to view that my ex started one up (or was in one before we ended) was a sign of health, but now I am not so sure. I hope I will know when the time is right for me to take my recovery on the road.
I am sorry you are hurting right now. I hope you can do some good self-care.
I was only married five years AND I have been divorced over five years. When I am struggling with shame/blame or other challenging emotions it is so easy for me to believe there is something wrong with me that I am still struggling with the feelings of missing my ex.
When in a better emotional spot I can put in appropriate perspective that it is more than just this relationship I am in recovery for. I have a lifetime of codependent behavior from before my relationship. I am learning boundaries, self-care, and staying in my own "seat" when conflict arises in any environment (I used to just check out). Grief for me has been cyclical rather than linear and I am grieving more than just the loss of relationship. I feel like the ending of my marriage allowed me to look at all the past hurt and work through them.
Finally my feelings of loss are different. Each time they come up it is at a deeper layer of it, and deeper layer of healing happens.
I think sometimes the outside world also judges me as I have not been in another relationship. The truth is I am not ready for one. I used to view that my ex started one up (or was in one before we ended) was a sign of health, but now I am not so sure. I hope I will know when the time is right for me to take my recovery on the road.
I am sorry you are hurting right now. I hope you can do some good self-care.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Maia
I have started id'ing triggers that bring on these emotions. I've had s lot of triggers the past year and a half including two job changes and three moves Now I am looking to move again so have been a little nuts lately. Hang in there friend!!!
I have started id'ing triggers that bring on these emotions. I've had s lot of triggers the past year and a half including two job changes and three moves Now I am looking to move again so have been a little nuts lately. Hang in there friend!!!
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,980
Hey Maia, I'm just chiming in with the rest. I don't think I can add much. I agree with the above that essentially said that your X isn't necessarily in "love" but has found another hostage to replace you. (If you feel any compassion at all you might say a little prayer for this poor soul! ;-)
Also, grief just SUCKS!!! And it truly takes a long time to process. You are doing the good, life changing work of feeling the pain and NOT moving forward until you have spent some time with the grief. Hmmm . . . actually I think the only way to truly move forward is to feel all the emotions and spend time with them.
Keep posting and we will keep trying to support you!!
Also, grief just SUCKS!!! And it truly takes a long time to process. You are doing the good, life changing work of feeling the pain and NOT moving forward until you have spent some time with the grief. Hmmm . . . actually I think the only way to truly move forward is to feel all the emotions and spend time with them.
Keep posting and we will keep trying to support you!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Thank you all my friends. There are many comments that hit home.
What triggered all this was a picture I saw of his arms around her. The women that he says he is not seeing. Then dd22 had surgery last Thursday and axh was there. Dd22 told me that dad was texting her the whole time.
I am so tired of the B.S. lies. I always felt I needed to be there for him when that one day he had the "epiphany" and he was ready. Loss of a family, marriage, home, 14 year old dog, stability, being loved, nope not worth it.. alcohol, pot, girl friend, and his extracurrilar activities trump all.
I sent him an email and text, with a few choice swear words. Told him he no longer exists In my world. I informed both dd's to please keep my family biz to them selve, he is no longer part of the family. (He was very supportive when my dad died a month ago- while he was in bed with her)
Sorry for the rant. Just so hurt, expecting the truth from a man who has never been truthful. Thank you all for understanding, you guys all get it.
What triggered all this was a picture I saw of his arms around her. The women that he says he is not seeing. Then dd22 had surgery last Thursday and axh was there. Dd22 told me that dad was texting her the whole time.
I am so tired of the B.S. lies. I always felt I needed to be there for him when that one day he had the "epiphany" and he was ready. Loss of a family, marriage, home, 14 year old dog, stability, being loved, nope not worth it.. alcohol, pot, girl friend, and his extracurrilar activities trump all.
I sent him an email and text, with a few choice swear words. Told him he no longer exists In my world. I informed both dd's to please keep my family biz to them selve, he is no longer part of the family. (He was very supportive when my dad died a month ago- while he was in bed with her)
Sorry for the rant. Just so hurt, expecting the truth from a man who has never been truthful. Thank you all for understanding, you guys all get it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So you saw a picture of him with his arm around a woman, your daughter told you he was texting this other woman the whole time (assuming that is who or what he was doing on his phone)while he was at the hospital and you took those two things and added to that mix that he was in bed with her while he was being supportive of you when your dad was ill and ran a marathon of thoughts in your head saying he is in love with her and gave up everything he had with you……..as if the alcohol and pot and everything else that came with it wasn’t the factors in the demise of your marriage.
Then those thoughts led you to text him an angry message out of nowhere saying he no longer exists in your world………….he’s drunk and high and saying to himself WTF is wrong with her???
We often can be our own worst enemy. It’s very hard to let go but if we don’t let go we get dragged and sadly by our own doing.
Then those thoughts led you to text him an angry message out of nowhere saying he no longer exists in your world………….he’s drunk and high and saying to himself WTF is wrong with her???
We often can be our own worst enemy. It’s very hard to let go but if we don’t let go we get dragged and sadly by our own doing.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 384
Originally Posted by atalose
We often can be our own worst enemy. It’s very hard to let go but if we don’t let go we get dragged and sadly by our own doing.
We cannot control what other people do, but we can control our reactions to what other people do
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Tips for practice - Self-Compassion
Having been married over 30 years myself, i can't see how you wouldn't have a barrage of feelings and emotions sweep over you. How does the saying go......."you can't fix normal".
I think codies are too hard on themselves especially at times when
they most need to practice self compassion. I read some things on this website today, and thought some of it would be helpful to you too.
((( hugs)))
Having been married over 30 years myself, i can't see how you wouldn't have a barrage of feelings and emotions sweep over you. How does the saying go......."you can't fix normal".
I think codies are too hard on themselves especially at times when
they most need to practice self compassion. I read some things on this website today, and thought some of it would be helpful to you too.
((( hugs)))
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: NC
Posts: 662
In past relationships I always felt like I had to have the last word and would always send that text or email saying "You don't exist in my life anymore"..which is counter-productive really since if he doesn't exist to me then why am I texting him?
You are never going be feel closure, all the last words in the world won't change your feelings or what you wish could be, should have been, was, etc. It is time to work on YOU and focus on YOU because you matter and the only person you can control is yourself anyway. Be easy with yourself, even if they were the biggest jerks in the world it can still be hard to let go. Acknowledge your feelings and then set some goals for yourself and focus on those.
Take one baby step forward at a time. All that matter is that you are moving forward
You are never going be feel closure, all the last words in the world won't change your feelings or what you wish could be, should have been, was, etc. It is time to work on YOU and focus on YOU because you matter and the only person you can control is yourself anyway. Be easy with yourself, even if they were the biggest jerks in the world it can still be hard to let go. Acknowledge your feelings and then set some goals for yourself and focus on those.
Take one baby step forward at a time. All that matter is that you are moving forward
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