Isn't being a codependent just being a good person?
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Isn't being a codependent just being a good person?
Let me preface by saying that although I have been in a relationship with my AH for years, I am new to understanding what a codependent is.
So, isn't being a codependent just me being a good and caring spouse? I learned a lot of my behaviors as a wife and mother from my own mother, who is one of the hardest working ladies I know. My whole life she has always worked full time, taken great care of her kids, cooked dinner at the end of a long work day, cleaned up afterward, made sure laundry was done, offered unending advice, and never seemed to skip a beat. She is a very giving lady, and would come to my rescue any time day or night (both of my parents would). As I grow older I realize more and more how their examples in my childhood and young adult life influence my decision making now.
Fast forward to my marriage. I try to emulate who and what my mother was and is. I think anyone would tell you she is a great role model to try to emulate. I have always worked to provide for my family, I try to cook dinner (although I am admittedly not that good
), try my best to keep the house clean and welcoming, care for my husband as a wife "should" and as my vows promised I would, etc. I have loved him well, in my opinion (and in his opinion if you were to ask him).
So fast forward, now, to the time his addiction came to light. As a wife who has promised to love her husband in sickness and in health, I have stood by his side. Let me say, I have grown in my understanding of addiction, I have detached to a pretty high degree, and am now at the point of not knowing whether to stay or leave. However, when I have supported him during relapses, encouraged him, etc. wouldn't that simply be considered being a loving and caring human being? Or have I drifted into the land of codependency? When do I let go and let him do it on his own? When does a wife leave? When did I/do I become a codependent and step out of the realm of simply being a good, loving, nurturing, and caring human being?
What I haven't touched much on is my faith. I am a Christian, and believe we should love as Christ loves us. As you can see, that is another topic for another day, but this overlaps in my confusion. Am I being a loving, Christian, devoted wife? Or am I being a codependent?
I can't be the only one struggling with this.
So, isn't being a codependent just me being a good and caring spouse? I learned a lot of my behaviors as a wife and mother from my own mother, who is one of the hardest working ladies I know. My whole life she has always worked full time, taken great care of her kids, cooked dinner at the end of a long work day, cleaned up afterward, made sure laundry was done, offered unending advice, and never seemed to skip a beat. She is a very giving lady, and would come to my rescue any time day or night (both of my parents would). As I grow older I realize more and more how their examples in my childhood and young adult life influence my decision making now.
Fast forward to my marriage. I try to emulate who and what my mother was and is. I think anyone would tell you she is a great role model to try to emulate. I have always worked to provide for my family, I try to cook dinner (although I am admittedly not that good
), try my best to keep the house clean and welcoming, care for my husband as a wife "should" and as my vows promised I would, etc. I have loved him well, in my opinion (and in his opinion if you were to ask him). So fast forward, now, to the time his addiction came to light. As a wife who has promised to love her husband in sickness and in health, I have stood by his side. Let me say, I have grown in my understanding of addiction, I have detached to a pretty high degree, and am now at the point of not knowing whether to stay or leave. However, when I have supported him during relapses, encouraged him, etc. wouldn't that simply be considered being a loving and caring human being? Or have I drifted into the land of codependency? When do I let go and let him do it on his own? When does a wife leave? When did I/do I become a codependent and step out of the realm of simply being a good, loving, nurturing, and caring human being?
What I haven't touched much on is my faith. I am a Christian, and believe we should love as Christ loves us. As you can see, that is another topic for another day, but this overlaps in my confusion. Am I being a loving, Christian, devoted wife? Or am I being a codependent?
I can't be the only one struggling with this.
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No............ being co-dependent is like being addicted to another human being. You can't fix/control somebody else. Just being a good person would be detaching with love and trying not to fix/control it - working on yourself instead of getting wrapped up in their drama and making your entire life about them to the point of your own suffering. Easier said than done, yes. But they're two different things... And being co-dependent will only drag you through the mud with the person who is suffering!
That being said - it sounds like you're mostly just being a good person and loyal to your husband. You've mentioned that you have detached and encouraged him when he's sober etc. I don't believe that makes you co-dependent?? Are YOU suffering/hurting as a result of your attachment to him/trying to fix him? I think that's the real question.
P.S. - don't listen to anything I say - I'm not even a co-dependent I'm an alcoholic/addict myself. Lol.
That being said - it sounds like you're mostly just being a good person and loyal to your husband. You've mentioned that you have detached and encouraged him when he's sober etc. I don't believe that makes you co-dependent?? Are YOU suffering/hurting as a result of your attachment to him/trying to fix him? I think that's the real question.
P.S. - don't listen to anything I say - I'm not even a co-dependent I'm an alcoholic/addict myself. Lol.
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Ah, got it. So... looks like I was co-dependent. I lied to hide our struggles during active addiction. I gave him money hoping it would go toward one thing, knowing it would go toward another. When he apologized, begged, and pleaded for "help" usually in the form of money or rides I would "help." Sounds like that is codependency. I thought I was being a good wife, protecting him from the pain of withdrawal, the possibility of losing jobs, believing his promises, etc.... but I was doing it at my expense in the end...
I am overlapping some things I think. I was a codependent. I am slowwllyyy changing over to detachment with love. Very, very hard. And really not by choice, but because if I were to remain caught up in the back and forth I would lose my mind. And if I were to leave as a result of his addiction and back and forth, I could still be doing it with love... Just detaching even further really.
Ugh.
I am overlapping some things I think. I was a codependent. I am slowwllyyy changing over to detachment with love. Very, very hard. And really not by choice, but because if I were to remain caught up in the back and forth I would lose my mind. And if I were to leave as a result of his addiction and back and forth, I could still be doing it with love... Just detaching even further really.
Ugh.
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Hope,
In a "normal" relationship that would be acceptable, doing what your mother did. When you are dealing with a self centered addict it is being co-dependent/enabler. When it comes down to it...Doing things for others that they full well can do for themselves is enabling.
Sending hugs!!
In a "normal" relationship that would be acceptable, doing what your mother did. When you are dealing with a self centered addict it is being co-dependent/enabler. When it comes down to it...Doing things for others that they full well can do for themselves is enabling.
Sending hugs!!
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I think you hit on it there. Protecting another adult from the consequences of their choices is a hallmark of codependent behavior, especially at the expense of one's own well-being and better judgment.
For me, my codependent behavior was rooted in a place of being unable to validate myself. Growing up in a alcoholic/codependent household, I had zero self-esteem. I needed other people to give me purpose, to define myself, to feel alive. It doesn't sound like you are quite so far gone as that, so that's something to be hopeful about.
I had to learn that I was a person independent of other people -- my mother, my boyfriends, etc. -- and to be comfortable with my own feelings and opinions enough to have good judgment and make good choices for myself, regardless of what the people in my life did or didn't do.
For me, my codependent behavior was rooted in a place of being unable to validate myself. Growing up in a alcoholic/codependent household, I had zero self-esteem. I needed other people to give me purpose, to define myself, to feel alive. It doesn't sound like you are quite so far gone as that, so that's something to be hopeful about.
I had to learn that I was a person independent of other people -- my mother, my boyfriends, etc. -- and to be comfortable with my own feelings and opinions enough to have good judgment and make good choices for myself, regardless of what the people in my life did or didn't do.
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The essence of codependence is doing for someone what they could and should be doing for themselves.
However, when I have supported him during relapses, encouraged him, etc. wouldn't that simply be considered being a loving and caring human being?
What do you see as support, encouragement in relation to your husbands relapse(s), sounds like there have been many?
However, when I have supported him during relapses, encouraged him, etc. wouldn't that simply be considered being a loving and caring human being?
What do you see as support, encouragement in relation to your husbands relapse(s), sounds like there have been many?
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Codependent is trying to act "normal" over and over again with someone who is not normal, even if in the end you start suffering consequences. You still want to fix that person, be around that person, hope that the person will see the light and change. And in that process, you forget about everyone and everything else, you hurt many other people who mean well. You lie and manipulate and hide problems. So, yes, you become addicted to a human being who is going down and is dragging you down.
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Originally Posted by healthyagain 
Codependent is trying to act "normal" over and over again with someone who is not normal, even if in the end you start suffering consequences. You still want to fix that person, be around that person, hope that the person will see the light and change. And in that process, you forget about everyone and everything else, you hurt many other people who mean well. You lie and manipulate and hide problems. So, yes, you become addicted to a human being who is going down and is dragging you down.
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Hoping, that sounds exactly like addiction, and in this case also codependency.
If you were an addict in any of the forums on the other side of SR, I imagine they would be recommending a strong program of recovery and sobriety for you that includes abstinence from the object of your addiction and strong real-world support. In this case, Al-Anon, CODA, Celebrate Recovery, take your pick.
I know how hard it is to just stop contacting someone you are addicted to. But it's hurting you. Feelings aren't facts -- you CAN breathe when you don't talk to him, you have to find a way to give yourself permission to actually do it.
If you were an addict in any of the forums on the other side of SR, I imagine they would be recommending a strong program of recovery and sobriety for you that includes abstinence from the object of your addiction and strong real-world support. In this case, Al-Anon, CODA, Celebrate Recovery, take your pick.
I know how hard it is to just stop contacting someone you are addicted to. But it's hurting you. Feelings aren't facts -- you CAN breathe when you don't talk to him, you have to find a way to give yourself permission to actually do it.
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hope---here is my particular twist on this...the explanation that helped ME the most: Co-Dependency is less about your relationship with another than it is about the LACK of relationship with your self.
When a good person exercises their "goodness" for others to such an extend that they neglect themselves...it becomes a problem.....
dandylion
When a good person exercises their "goodness" for others to such an extend that they neglect themselves...it becomes a problem.....
dandylion
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
For me, my codependent behavior was rooted in a place of being unable to validate myself. Growing up in a alcoholic/codependent household, I had zero self-esteem. I needed other people to give me purpose, to define myself, to feel alive. It doesn't sound like you are quite so far gone as that, so that's something to be hopeful about.
I had to learn that I was a person independent of other people -- my mother, my boyfriends, etc. -- and to be comfortable with my own feelings and opinions enough to have good judgment and make good choices for myself, regardless of what the people in my life did or didn't do.
I had to learn that I was a person independent of other people -- my mother, my boyfriends, etc. -- and to be comfortable with my own feelings and opinions enough to have good judgment and make good choices for myself, regardless of what the people in my life did or didn't do.
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Originally Posted by atalose
The essence of codependence is doing for someone what they could and should be doing for themselves.
However, when I have supported him during relapses, encouraged him, etc. wouldn't that simply be considered being a loving and caring human being?
What do you see as support, encouragement in relation to your husbands relapse(s), sounds like there have been many?
However, when I have supported him during relapses, encouraged him, etc. wouldn't that simply be considered being a loving and caring human being?
What do you see as support, encouragement in relation to your husbands relapse(s), sounds like there have been many?
Yes, unfortunately there have been a few relapses. Encouragement was given in the form of positive words, encouraging words, working to not lash out in anger or disappointment. Understanding that he was more disappointed in himself than I could be in him. I did make phone calls to rehab facilities, get some things like that lined up for him... So that could be the codependent reaching through in those instances... I did "support" by giving money so he could buy something to help him with withdrawal until he could get into rehab (yeah, I know
). He is an addict by the way. I know I'm on the alcoholic f&f forum though.
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Originally Posted by healthyagain
Codependent is trying to act "normal" over and over again with someone who is not normal, even if in the end you start suffering consequences. You still want to fix that person, be around that person, hope that the person will see the light and change. And in that process, you forget about everyone and everything else, you hurt many other people who mean well. You lie and manipulate and hide problems. So, yes, you become addicted to a human being who is going down and is dragging you down.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
hope---here is my particular twist on this...the explanation that helped ME the most: Co-Dependency is less about your relationship with another than it is about the LACK of relationship with your self.
When a good person exercises their "goodness" for others to such an extend that they neglect themselves...it becomes a problem.....
dandylion
When a good person exercises their "goodness" for others to such an extend that they neglect themselves...it becomes a problem.....
dandylion
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Originally Posted by HopingForCure
What do you do with yourself when no matter what, even though you are not trying to fix their problems, you just cannot stop talking to them because of your own selfish reasons - because you miss the heck out of them. Is that also codependency or is that just being addicted to the addict or may be crazy talk. I miss my alcoholic ex so so much, I feel like I cant breath when I dont talk to him.
Like alcoholics who make sobriety their only priority, I made going no contact with him my only priority. I was so badly "in love" AKA psycho, sicko, insanely attached that I left the northern hemisphere (I'm from the US). I moved to Bolivia for a year. As extreme as this was, it was the only way for me.
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Yup. You are a codie. That's ok, you are also a really nice person who wants to do well for yourself and your family. Don't change that part.
Codies want to fix, fix, fix. Eventually you become aware you cannot fix someone else. The more he would put into his own recovery the more he would get out of it. So, those phone calls should have been made for him to arrange rehab, etc.
It's a fine line, and one we are always jumping back and forth on.
Many hugs.
Codies want to fix, fix, fix. Eventually you become aware you cannot fix someone else. The more he would put into his own recovery the more he would get out of it. So, those phone calls should have been made for him to arrange rehab, etc.
It's a fine line, and one we are always jumping back and forth on.
Many hugs.
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Originally Posted by hope778
Ohhh. I have many codependent tendencies then. Since well before my marriage. I've always had trouble saying no. I've always put others before myself....to a fault.... I have to learn to take care of me. It feels wrong/weird .. ?? .. but I need to.
As another Christian, it took me years to realize that Christ practiced constructive selfishness. There was the time he had had it with the crowds and took off with his buddies across the Sea of Galilee. Furthermore he snuck off to pray leaving everyone looking for him. Finally he didn't mince words with folks when they were mucking up. Nor did he get in there way to stop them when they were headed for big mistakes and huge consequences. Think the betrayal by Judas and the denial by Peter.
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