Blaming the spouse for "driving them to drink"

Old 06-15-2016, 02:16 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Blaming the spouse for "driving them to drink"

There is a great article titled "Blaming the family of the alcoholic for the drinking often appears subtly" on gettingthemsober.com

Part of that article reads ...

"Does your marriage counselor want to ''explore what makes him drink"?

Many mental-health// marriage counselors say they 'understand' that alcoholism is a primary disease and 'understand' its dynamics in the family... but then go on to 'explore' with that couple, "what makes him drink".... even though the counselor just said that he 'understands' alcoholism.

In the counselor's encouraging the couple to 'search for what makes his client want to drink'' .... i.e., ''what are the stressors that 'trigger' his wanting to drink''-------- the alcoholic welcomes this approach because he knows that this will lead right to blaming his spouse--- overtly and covertly.... this time, with the professional stamp of approval from the counselor.

*** Basically, a 'gang-up' between the alcoholic and the counselor to blame the non-addicted spouse. ...

If any counselor says that one must explore 'what makes him drink'----- he does NOT understand alcoholism. ...

Counseling sessions like what was just described diverts from prescribing that (as A.A. says) no one ---- no one ---- no one ---- 'makes him drink'. That he drinks because of biochemical cravings because of his genetic disease-------and that if he does not stop blaming others for his drinking, he is in grave danger of dying or going insane from his disease of alcoholism.

In one fell swoop, this type of counseling damages both the alcoholic's chances of survival--- and inhumanely continues the alcoholic's years of blaming the family. ...


d.)) Are you being encouraged to "look at both parties' roles in what might have caused him to begin to drink alcoholically"?

This kind of marital//alcoholism//couples counseling these days usually goes by the name of "family systems and/or cognitive behavioral" approach, which almost always consist of sessions where "both parties" tell what they each see as "the cause of the drinking" ........ with the therapist also saying that yes, hereditary/genetic factors are ''part of'' the cause of alcoholism---but that other issues ''factor in'' (like "marital problems'').

This approach by the therapist necessitates the sessions blaming the spouse for drinking and relapses.... even though the therapist often denies this. He will often say, instead, "both parties have a role in the family dynamics"... which means that he really sees alcoholism NOT as a primary disease that has its own dynamic regardless of outside issues, people, or situations-------- as A.A. says-------- but as the result of mental-health // communication issues.

This is just gobblygook that has been going on in the mental-health profession for decades........but this time, under the guise of promoting itself as "understanding alcoholism as a primary disease''.

They never used to agree that it was a disease..........then, because of the huge success of A.A., they started to give verbal agreement that it is a primary disease.......but nothing in the approach of the actual treatment sessions has changed from the decades-long approach of the mental health profession, i.e., treating alcoholism as a RESULT of mental-health issues--------- instead of the primary disease that it is. ...


e.)) In the A.A. Big Book, there are stories in the back section. In many of them, they repeatedly state that during the drinking, they blamed their families for the problems in the family..........but that once sober and sane again, they saw that almost all the problems in the marriage were a result of their alcoholic drinking.


F.)) THIS IS NOT JUST AN ACADEMIC ISSUE.

This difference in 'how to treat alcoholics and their families' is a daily life-and-death issue that manifests in our mental-health counseling centers, in our courts, in our divorce hearings, in our ad-litem-led custody conferences---- with hundreds of thousands of families every year.

Let's face it--- most spouses of alcoholics do not go to Al-Anon. If they go for help, they "go see a counselor".

All of these counselors (and psychologists and social workers) are trained to treat these alcoholics and their families in the professional schools of social work, psychology, psychiatry, and counseling. The major textbooks are rife with these outdated philosophies on how to do this.

Fortunately, despite all this--- there are (albeit only a minority) of therapists who do understand this, and who are not following how they've been professionally taught.

But it is so important for all family members who are confronting the court system---whether it is for 'family counseling' or for divorce mediation, or for custody hearings, etc-------- to understand what they will probably come up against---- that they will probably find that they will feel verbally attacked and often walk out of sessions not understanding why their guts are telling them that the alcoholism 'won again'. "
The full article is here ...

Getting Them Sober- Alcoholic Blame

It seems like a few people on the forum have experienced something like this so I would like to hear others' experience of that.


When my ex was abusing alcohol, she told her family of origin that alcohol was not the primary problem, and that in fact that the primary problem was "the stress that drives me to drink".

That became a quest to identify "the stress that drives her to drink", which ended up as a pitchfork wielding witch-hunt with the finger of blame pointed at me.

In reality, I had done everything I could possibly do to support my ex and to try to get her into treatment, including me getting the help of a doctor to advise me for a number of years about how to move her out of deep denial, and into treatment.

In the midst of this, her best friend contacted me and warned me that my ex was saying things about me that simply were not true and clearly were not true.

My ex's best friend told me that my ex had told the friend a bizarre story about me that made no sense - her version of one of her drunken incidents. In my ex's version of events, alcohol was not mentioned at all, and the story was portrayed as me having yelled at her for no good reason. The simple reality was that there was zero yelling during that drunken incident - I didn't even raise my voice to her. It was as if her and I had experienced two completely different incidents.

My ex's best friend kindly let my ex's family of origin know that the stuff my ex was saying about me was simply not true. This should have immediately put an end to the blaming of me, but did not ...


My ex had been seeing a therapist for a number of months, who my ex told me she had not mentioned alcohol to. Who knows what picture of me was being painted to that therapist.

As my ex's drinking reached a whole new level of dangerous behaviour, which every medical expert I spoke to confirmed was life threatening, my own doctor (who had been helping me try to address the situation for a number of years), and multiple other medical professionals who I explained the truth to about the reality of my ex's drinking, advised me that my ex's drinking had now reached the point where her life was at immediate serious risk, and that I needed to act immediately to get her into rehab.

So I contacted my ex's therapist and communicated to her therapist the reality of her alcohol abuse, and told the therapist about her multiple trips to hospital as a result of alcohol etc, as well as detailing how she was sliding into an alcohol fuelled hell.

My ex's best friend also contacted one of my ex's parents and detailed to my ex's parent the alcohol abuse and distortion of the truth that my ex's best friend had seen with her own eyes. My ex's therapist was also given that information from my ex's best friend.

So it was not just me ringing the alarm bell to my ex's therapist - my ex's best friend was backing me up and confirming that I was telling the truth.

I was very worried what my ex's reaction would be - I figured she would be angry that I had contacted her therapist, but it was a simple decision for me ... in a situation where someone's life is at risk, life MUST come first.

So I was preparing myself for a hailstorm of anger from my ex, but put my faith in the assumption that once her therapist was told the reality of her drinking (with info about that from both me and my ex's best friend), everyone would work together to get her into inpatient rehab immediately.

What happened next shook me to my core ...


Instead of my ex going to inpatient rehab, my ex told me that at the next appointment her therapist told my ex to end our relationship.

In an absolute fit of rage that I had contacted her therapist, my ex ended our relationship of a number of years, over the phone, calling me every name you can imagine.


The next day, calmed down, my ex called me and told me that she still loves me.

Her and I had a heart to heart conversation, and she told me that she wanted to get help for her problems so that we could then have a healthy relationship again and a happy life together. The first part of our relationship had been idyllic. It was only when she started abusing alcohol that things went downhill.

So things were a mess, but she finally admitted that she needed help, and she finally admitted that her problems with medication and alcohol were making it impossible for us to have a healthy relationship.


A few days later, she seemed to have been drinking again, and she abused me over the phone - yelling at me and saying all kinds of stuff. One of her parents overheard her abusing me.

Instead of seeing this as what it was - a drunk woman abusing her man over the phone, her parent decided that what they had heard was some kind of mutual abuse and her parent accused me of having abused my ex during that phone conversation.

In reality, on the other end of the phone I was doing exactly what my doctor taught me to do when on the receiving end of a drunken tirade ... do not argue back, do not raise your voice, watch your tone of voice, try to de-escalate the situation etc.

After this phone call, her parent told me that her parent demanded that she cut off contact with me. When I told her parent the reality of that phone conversation, her parent admitted that what her parent had heard was her abusing me, and not mutual abuse.

When her parent found out that she was still in contact with me, her parent told me they were "very angry" that she was still in contact with me.


Since then, I have been completely ostracised.

My ex refuses to discuss reconciliation or trying to work things out, and accuses me of "betrayal", as if me contacting her therapist to get her help before she killed herself with alcohol - me simply trying to save her life with multiple doctors telling me that I had to so immediately - was akin to me betraying my wife as if I had had an affair.

I have been "split evil".


Has anyone else ever experienced this kind of thing ?

Has anyone else been given any advice that helped you cope with the stress of being blamed for a spouse's drinking, when in reality you were giving every last bit of energy you had to get them out of denial and into treatment ?

Has anyone else ever been on the receiving end of the kind of response that I was subjected to when I contacted my ex's therapist ?

Has anyone else been subjected to emotional cutoff like this demanded by a spouse's parent ?
timetohealguy is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 02:31 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
YES.....YES! I've been subject to all of the above. In fact, my ex mother in law told me I was the reason her baby boy drank-you know bc I was so awful and stressed his poor little soul out so much ( absolutely untrue-her baby boy was just that. A boy who could not and would not live up to his responsibilities if being a man-a husband and father). I was subject to abuse from not only my ex but also his family-extended and immediate. He's told many people absolute lies, things people are starting to realize are lies-and asking me about . Slowly they will see the truth.

Now, what are you going to do with all this infirnation?!
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 02:37 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
timetoheal guy...you might want to check out the current threads by Wrndown.... his story sounds striking similar to yours.....
And, there are thousands of other stories, here o n the forum....yes, thousands...lol......that spell out the same kind of scenario.....
You can go to the bar at the top of the main page and click on the "search" button......

Realy, the story of an alcoholic blaming others and manipulating unsuspecting doctors, therapists, family and friends is as old as Mathuselah (sp?_.........

My dear, dear, timetohealguy.....whether you were a sweet, docile lamb or a fire-breathing dragon.....the story would still be the same!!

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 02:44 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Hi Forourgirls - thanks for your reply - I always enjoy reading your posts

Originally Posted by Forourgirls View Post
YES.....YES! I've been subject to all of the above. In fact, my ex mother in law told me I was the reason her baby boy drank-you know bc I was so awful and stressed his poor little soul out so much ( absolutely untrue-her baby boy was just that. A boy who could not and would not live up to his responsibilities if being a man-a husband and father). I was subject to abuse from not only my ex but also his family-extended and immediate. He's told many people absolute lies, things people are starting to realize are lies-and asking me about . Slowly they will see the truth.
One of the hardest parts for me is that unknown to me when I met her, she had a problem with alcohol years before I met her. She had almost died at that time, and her family of origin knew that.

So her family knows damn well that the alcohol problems existed long before I even met her.

And yet somehow the relapse years later when we were together becomes my fault, despite the fact that there were multiple things going on in her life that were causing her stress.

Now, what are you going to do with all this infirnation?!
It has all just been rolling around in my head in the last few months and I am working with a therapist myself now trying to process it.

It has taken me over a year to see the reality of what happened clearly.

When you are in the midst of a situation like that, at the time, surrounded by people who blame you, it is very hard to see the reality.

Part of the reason I have joined the forum is to try to process it all and to try to make sense of a senseless situation, which defies my experience of how a simple bit of commonsense can help a situation.
timetohealguy is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 02:50 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
UM, dude, I hate to tell you but her family is as sick if not sicker than she is....my ex mother in law started buying booze for her own son when he was 14 and allowing him to get drunk in her house-big sister would also supply him with alcohol-and they'd get drunk and have parties at the house-all the while my ex mother in law bitched about her abusive alcoholic husbands drinking (who, naturally died a few years ago at a young age due to, cirrhosis and total body organ failure). My ex brother in law was present at mediation prior to our divorce where the absolute need for soberlink was discussed and agreed on, he and my exs sister were both there in the court room last year when the judge lectured my ex and told him he was an alcoholic choosing drinking over his kids. Funny, my ex has called numerous times drunker than drunk since that time from their home, most likely drinking with sissy and brother in law all the while concocting some way to get back at me. For what, I'm still not sure....telling the truth , most likely. My ex mother in laws fateful warning to me almost 8 years ago was: "I was always worried xxx would turn out like his dad". Well, guess what idiot, he did, and you are right there to blame, MOTY! (I don't harbor anger toward her other than what she allowed her son to do to my children-for that, she will be held responsible).

My point is this....this is what sick toxic Alcoholic families just DO! They scapegoat the person telling the truth so they don't have to point fingers at themselves....I say this often here....you got out of the crab trap so they will try to rip your legs off....but let them. Thank The Lord you got out!
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 02:53 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
timetohealguy.......What we are not taught when we are growing up about relationships is that there are two things that are deal breakers---addictions and abuse.
They turn all the rules that we learned at our grandmother's knee, under church steeples, on the streets---from our general culture...all these "rules" that apply to reasonably "normal" relationships completely topsy-turvy.
Totally counter-intuitive!
I think of it as like being raised on one planet...and then, being sent to live on another........

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 02:57 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
And ditto to you, TTHG! I very much enjoy reading your posts as well

Process and vent away...that's what we are here for! I found that some abuse, for me, didn't come out until way after the divorce. I was so shell shocked and in primal survival mode for years that I couldn't process, or even admit to myself, the abuse or insanity of it all until I had gained some distabce-and time - from the relationship (if you even want to call it that).
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 02:58 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 202
Hi dandylion,

Thanks for your reply ...

Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
timetoheal guy...you might want to check out the current threads by Wrndown.... his story sounds striking similar to yours.....
Yes I have been following all his threads. It is a very similar situation.
timetohealguy is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 03:26 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Yes, Wrndown.....it is a real mind-&uck, isn''t it?!

May the Force be with you!!!!!!!!!

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 03:40 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
dandylion's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
A;as, I haven't seen that movie...but, it sounds about right!!

In other news....You haven't lost your sense of humor!!
That is a good sign...

dandylion
dandylion is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 06:59 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
AnvilheadII's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
remember, matt damon's character held on til he would be RESCUED off the strange planet.....he didn't try to build a home....he just survived as best he could til he could eject.

just because we FIND ourselves on a strange planet or a strange place, doesn't mean we are destined to STAY there forever.

by the way, for anyone who saw the movie of The Martian, i beg you to listen to the audiobook.........get the REAL story.
AnvilheadII is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 07:52 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: MD
Posts: 658
Yeah man.. my wife and I rarely talk about her therapy, but she has mentioned that she has not told her shrink about the alcohol abuse, even now after a couple years after stopping drinking... not relevant...

(<smack> sound of my hand slapping the big red alanon tongue lockdown button).

I tell ya boys I could make up lists on this topic... but that kind of stuff is what got me into trouble in the first place lol
schnappi99 is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 08:20 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
uncorked's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 709
Originally Posted by Wrndown1 View Post

Can ANYONE on this thread give possible reasons why a person going to a therapist/life coach...would decide to NOT share what is likely the most prevalent and dangerous behavior she has??!
AND one that is likely to affect negatively EVERY other issue or non issue you have!
Yes. It's pretty simple. She wasn't ready to seek help. Or, maybe she told the therapist she drank a little too much but downplayed it. She thought she could deal with it on her own....kept imagining that she'd be able to quit without all the drama even though she created a lot of it herself. I know because I've done this.
uncorked is offline  
Old 06-15-2016, 09:40 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
XAH told me he drank b/c "it was the only little bit of joy he had in his life", not too subtly indicating that I, our house, the dogs, etc., were all just burdens on him and he had to get relief somehow.

He told me the reason he couldn't get any kind of help for himself was b/c "what if he got straightened out and found out he didn't like it here?" Boy, that felt good to hear, let me tell you...

Luckily for me, for whatever reason, I never bought the fact that his drinking was my fault. I felt bad about plenty of other stuff, but not that particular thing.
honeypig is offline  
Old 06-16-2016, 01:47 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: sitting down and facing front
Posts: 170
Originally Posted by timetohealguy View Post


Instead of my ex going to inpatient rehab, my ex told me that at the next appointment her therapist told my ex to end our relationship.
My guess is that the therapist said nothing of the kind - more likely he/she brought up the conversation (or perhaps didn't) and questioned your wife about her drinking, a subject she had probably managed to avoid up til then. The cat is out of the bag and someone has to pay for making things uncomfortable for her - who is a better scapegoat than you? Unless you were in the room when the therapist said she was to end your relationship, I would be highly sceptical of any second hand reports from that (or any) session
Missus is offline  
Old 06-16-2016, 05:27 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Eauchiche's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,790
I don't want to start a war here, but notice that nobody on this thread has acknowledged that we codies can be damned miserable to live with.

We all know when the alcoholic has fallen off the wagon, because they drink. The Codie is less obvious, but around AlAnon, I have heard we are off our program when we turn into control freaks.

I think we are often sicker than they are....
Eauchiche is offline  
Old 06-16-2016, 06:14 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
honeypig's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,478
Eauchiche, I think part of the reason no one is addressing how awful a codie can be to live with is b/c that wasn't the question asked by the OP. I think another part of the reason is that many (most?) of us have already spent some time believing that we ARE the cause of our A's drinking. We don't need anyone else suggesting that it's all our fault; we've lived w/that already, beaten ourselves up about it already, agonized over that already and tiptoed on eggshells/twisted ourselves into pretzels to avoid "causing" a drinking bout already. For us, healing involves realizing we are NOT the cause (remember the 3 C's?).

A healthy person's response to an unhappy or stressful situation would be to work to change it or if that wasn't possible, to get out of it, NOT to drink to "mask the pain" and hide and lie about the drinking. Whether the codie is "miserable to live with" or not, he/she is NOT causing the A to respond to the situation by drinking alcoholically. That is on the A.

With that said, here are the 5 G's for us on the F&F side, and I think they are equally as valid as the 3 C's:
Get off the A's back.
Get out of the A's way.
Give the A to God.
Get yourself to a meeting.
Get on with your life.
honeypig is offline  
Old 06-16-2016, 06:51 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
Honeypig-thank you for reminding us of the 5G's!! I had forgotten about those. Such great advice in your post....
Liveitwell is offline  
Old 06-16-2016, 07:28 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
atalose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Has anyone else been given any advice that helped you cope with the stress of being blamed for a spouse's drinking, when in reality you were giving every last bit of energy you had to get them out of denial and into treatment ?
I think once you truly understand the disease of addiction, understand that blame, deflection, denial are all the foundation on which the disease lives you stop taking their words personally. Blame becomes bla-bla-bla just more gobbledygook coming out of their mouths.

The reality is, as long as you know the truth what she or her family says about HER relapse is none of your business.

When we have a hard time letting go we stand in that boxing ring taking hit after hit after hit constantly defending ourselves along the way, still waiting to win each round.

Life is so much more calm and peaceful once we come to acceptance and step out of the ring and stop focusing on them and all the people around them and move on with our lives.
atalose is offline  
Old 06-16-2016, 09:43 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
FireSprite's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by Eauchiche View Post
I don't want to start a war here, but notice that nobody on this thread has acknowledged that we codies can be damned miserable to live with.

We all know when the alcoholic has fallen off the wagon, because they drink. The Codie is less obvious, but around AlAnon, I have heard we are off our program when we turn into control freaks.

I think we are often sicker than they are....
Where I think this point is relevant is that it's an opportunity to acknowledge how we as Codies are often guilty of the same type of blameshifting discussed in this thread.

RAH was a secret drinker for the most part, so we never discussed the reasons why he drank until after he got sober. He certainly couldn't verbally blame me for it without outing himself! Instead, as he progressed he needed more time for drinking so he'd orchestrate awful fights over anything, always painting me as the cause in one way or another so that he could justify storming off to drink about what a B I was......and of course, nothing I did or didn't do made him happy because he making it up as he went along, while simultaneously convincing himself it was the truth.

I know one of MY biggest revelations in recovery was how I used this mind game to justify my reactions to AH's behavior. In my mind, I only did *this* because he had done *that*.... my behavior wasn't the issue because it wouldn't exist if not for his. My breakdowns & binges were nowhere near as recognizable as poor behavior the way his were - quite the opposite, I often came off looking like the pillar of strength & responsibility.

It bled over into martyring for me personally & if I'm being fully honest I have to say that my behaviors in early recovery were u.g.l.y. because I often continued to act "reactively" even though his behavior was changing. I would push at him until he blew up so that I could relieve the pressure from my own building anxiety & discomfort and it would be his "fault". It took a while to accept that MY behavior wasn't changing just because he had stopped drinking & started a program.

So that's my version of experiencing a more insidious version of all this. When he was actively drinking, he believed his lies completely, ignoring his use or own behaviors because otherwise he'd have to move out of Denial & into Acceptance and he wasn't ready for that yet.

I hit my "bottom" first because I could no longer keep stretching my boundaries to accept his behavior & that's when I really Let Go for the first time. Like atalose said, it became:

bla-bla-bla just more gobbledygook coming out of their mouths
and actually started sounding like gibberish to me because I wasn't under that "spell" any longer, I guess.
FireSprite is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:09 AM.