A bad day thinking!
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
A bad day thinking!
Here I am again. Wallowing in self pity. Knowing full well that I shouldn't be. I should be out enjoying the sunshine out having a steak dinner at my parents, but didn't have it in me to go. I did get some decorations out for Halloween with my 4 year old daughter. So that was the highlight of my day. My H hasn't been home since Thursday morning. He is staying with the OW. He'll come in from time to time during the day to grab something, clothes etc, but that's it. No explanation, No I F-ed up again. A lone voice mail telling me he's sorry that he blames me for his problems. He's sorry he's not happy in our home because of all of the guilt he feels for the pain he has caused me. But that I am the cause of his depression. Why didn't I love him enough he asks. Why didn't I show him enough attention he asks. Why didn't I love him enough he asks?
Do any of you know what it's like to get asked those questions? Another reason to blame someone other than himself for the drinking and the running to the bar & his OW. I know he's playing the blame game, so then why the heck does it still hurt so darn bad? Why do I allow myself to feel so guilty about the way things have become? Thing is with me I know that I did push him away after the birth of our daughter. I felt fat & useless and he was always working (sales...out "entertaining" at strip clubs). How could I compete with half naked skiny girls? Anyways! I'm just having a really bad day today. I hurt so badly because I really wonder if any of it really does have to do with me pushing him away.
I just don't get it. How could he tell me less than a week ago that he knew that our marriage was what he wanted in life? That he was going to do whatever it takes to make it work and to try to quit drinking & to quit talking to the OW. How could he get drunk again and run right back to her again? How can he continue to hurt me like this??? The real question.......WHY DO I ALLOW HIM TO KEEP HURTING ME LIKE THIS???? Why can't I stop loving this man & walk away from him? Why do I love him so much. I tell him to please go and be happy with this other woman if that's what he wants. Please go & be happy so that you get yourself out of your depression. I want him to be happy, really I do. But he's not happy there. I know that. He's not happy with me obviously or he wouldn't keep running there. So how do I make myself stop? I can't stop caring about this man. I still love him. But how can I continue to live my life not knowing what I will wake up with the next morning. A husband, a friend, a person who won't talk to me? I keep spinning and I don't know how to stop!! All I want is for him to be happy. I just really wish he could be happy with me and our family, but I guess that will never happen!
Do any of you know what it's like to get asked those questions? Another reason to blame someone other than himself for the drinking and the running to the bar & his OW. I know he's playing the blame game, so then why the heck does it still hurt so darn bad? Why do I allow myself to feel so guilty about the way things have become? Thing is with me I know that I did push him away after the birth of our daughter. I felt fat & useless and he was always working (sales...out "entertaining" at strip clubs). How could I compete with half naked skiny girls? Anyways! I'm just having a really bad day today. I hurt so badly because I really wonder if any of it really does have to do with me pushing him away.
I just don't get it. How could he tell me less than a week ago that he knew that our marriage was what he wanted in life? That he was going to do whatever it takes to make it work and to try to quit drinking & to quit talking to the OW. How could he get drunk again and run right back to her again? How can he continue to hurt me like this??? The real question.......WHY DO I ALLOW HIM TO KEEP HURTING ME LIKE THIS???? Why can't I stop loving this man & walk away from him? Why do I love him so much. I tell him to please go and be happy with this other woman if that's what he wants. Please go & be happy so that you get yourself out of your depression. I want him to be happy, really I do. But he's not happy there. I know that. He's not happy with me obviously or he wouldn't keep running there. So how do I make myself stop? I can't stop caring about this man. I still love him. But how can I continue to live my life not knowing what I will wake up with the next morning. A husband, a friend, a person who won't talk to me? I keep spinning and I don't know how to stop!! All I want is for him to be happy. I just really wish he could be happy with me and our family, but I guess that will never happen!
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Leem03-
My AH of 25 years has told me the same things. He is an angry drunk and a year ago August he and his friends were sitting on our back porch drinking and drunk as usual. He went to their house (his best friend and his wife) several times a week and would get very drunk and not come home...sometimes for several days. Anyway that night he start screaming and yelling and breaking things and when I went outside to see what the problem was he started yelling that I was f....g up his life and making his life miserable...etc. etc. and then he threatened to kill me. Well during all of this his best friends wife was hanging all over him, hugging him, etc. etc. right in front of his best friend. As I said before all of them were very drunk. Granted he had told me all of this before most of the time it was me and our two kids who were holding him back and he would never be able to make anything of himself, etc. etc. Well he and his friends left to go to their house, he and his best friends wife in her car, his best friend in his blazer. I forgot to mention my daughter was standing behind me the whole time her father was throwing his fit and she was scared to death. Without going through all of the other gorey details I discovered a few months ago that he and his best friends wife, the OW, are having an affair. He is living with his elderly Mother in La with the OW. He no longer has a best friend. I am telling you all of this so you will know that I know how you feel. I still love my AH very much. Think about him everyday, when something special happens he is still the one I want to talk to. I have no idea how to stop other than to live one day at a time and hopefully one day the pain will end. I believe you are right, I don't believe, in fact I know my AH is not happy where he is. I also know that I made mistakes in our marriage but I also tried to let him know he was loved and appreciated. I can't blame his drinking for making him the person he is because I am finding that he had to be that person somewhere inside anyway. I also know that part of his defensiveness is because he feels guilty about what he has done, but knowing it does not prevent the hurt.
I wish you a day of peace.
Hugs
Kat
My AH of 25 years has told me the same things. He is an angry drunk and a year ago August he and his friends were sitting on our back porch drinking and drunk as usual. He went to their house (his best friend and his wife) several times a week and would get very drunk and not come home...sometimes for several days. Anyway that night he start screaming and yelling and breaking things and when I went outside to see what the problem was he started yelling that I was f....g up his life and making his life miserable...etc. etc. and then he threatened to kill me. Well during all of this his best friends wife was hanging all over him, hugging him, etc. etc. right in front of his best friend. As I said before all of them were very drunk. Granted he had told me all of this before most of the time it was me and our two kids who were holding him back and he would never be able to make anything of himself, etc. etc. Well he and his friends left to go to their house, he and his best friends wife in her car, his best friend in his blazer. I forgot to mention my daughter was standing behind me the whole time her father was throwing his fit and she was scared to death. Without going through all of the other gorey details I discovered a few months ago that he and his best friends wife, the OW, are having an affair. He is living with his elderly Mother in La with the OW. He no longer has a best friend. I am telling you all of this so you will know that I know how you feel. I still love my AH very much. Think about him everyday, when something special happens he is still the one I want to talk to. I have no idea how to stop other than to live one day at a time and hopefully one day the pain will end. I believe you are right, I don't believe, in fact I know my AH is not happy where he is. I also know that I made mistakes in our marriage but I also tried to let him know he was loved and appreciated. I can't blame his drinking for making him the person he is because I am finding that he had to be that person somewhere inside anyway. I also know that part of his defensiveness is because he feels guilty about what he has done, but knowing it does not prevent the hurt.
I wish you a day of peace.
Hugs
Kat
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lost in the world
Posts: 107
Thanks Kat! Having known all of this with his affair etc. Would you still take him back now that he's been living with her? I mean the affair with my H has been going on for some time now. She obviously doesn't care that he is married and has a child at home. She is in it just for the sheer fun of it, or what? This is a terrible cycle that I keep allowing to happen. He comes home then is ok for awhile, then he goes out & gets drunk again & ends up at her place. Each time I allow him to come back with the promise that it will be different this time. This time I will get better. Each time...Broken Promises! For some people an affair would be the end of the road. But for me, it's just some other cause of the disease. Maybe I shouldn't think that way, but if he were happy there, then he would stay there & not come back. I am not holding him hostage. I beg for him to go there to stay to be happy. I have packed his things on a couple occassions. He doesn't go. I don't know.......I guess I just continue to enable the behavior. I mean why should he really change? He knows that I will take him back in every time, so why not go out & drink & have a great time & go to the OW's. He knows I'll still be there for his dumb butt each time. Don't get me wrong either. I by no means say ok sure sweetie come on home. I try like heck to put my foot down and have been moderately successful a few times. Only for him to go on another binge again & blow it all again!
Anyways, thanks again Kat. I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. It stinks! At least you have distance between the two of you now. Use this time for yourself. Get you well inside and out. You know you don't need him. I'm sure you are still holding out hope he comes home. So do your best to show him that him being gone is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Then if you want to take him begging on his hands and knees back after weeks of flowers and poems, so be it!
Take Care!
Anyways, thanks again Kat. I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. It stinks! At least you have distance between the two of you now. Use this time for yourself. Get you well inside and out. You know you don't need him. I'm sure you are still holding out hope he comes home. So do your best to show him that him being gone is the best thing that has ever happened to you. Then if you want to take him begging on his hands and knees back after weeks of flowers and poems, so be it!
Take Care!
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Leem; That's quite the duck you have there. Very experienced quacker. I just broke up with my ex last week, and he sent me an email tonight. At first it got to me. He was saying how much of a shame it is for us to be apart, because we were true soul mates.... and now I have squandered our relationship. To be honest, it started working on me. Then I remembered why I broke up with him. Then I remembered what I have learned in this site.
Dam, he's a good quacker!
Every time I got fed up and broke off with him, it was me who went running back. Wanting him to know he was loved. Wanting him to know that I cared. Thinking it would change him. I have a hard enough time changing me, let alone him or anyone else.
I have to stop myself when I think about contacting him and tell myself ....I am a good person....I deserve a good man....I deserve happiness. I don't ever want to invest my heart, emotions and time to another man who is not deserving again. I'm getting too old for this. How many times do I have to be hurt? I get it already. I have upped my standards!
I am clean and sober, honest and loyal, and I deserve the same!
I was thinking about this today. What was the longest time we have been apart without speaking or seeing each other. It was 3 weeks. I am not responding to this email, and after 3 weeks, and months pass he will finally know I mean business. He doesn't know me like this. I don't know me like this. But I feel very strong in my decision.
If your husband wants another woman who will be with him knowing he drinks and is unfaithful, then she will get what she deserves. He can't possibly respect a woman like that. She doesn't stand between him and his drinking. That is why he is with her. He won't be happy though. Let's pray for them and leave them with our HP to take care of. Let's unite and agree not to take the insanity any more.
Any women out there with us on this? I'm sure.
Take care of yourself and your kids honey, let HP take care of him. We will survive.
Diana
Dam, he's a good quacker!
Every time I got fed up and broke off with him, it was me who went running back. Wanting him to know he was loved. Wanting him to know that I cared. Thinking it would change him. I have a hard enough time changing me, let alone him or anyone else.
I have to stop myself when I think about contacting him and tell myself ....I am a good person....I deserve a good man....I deserve happiness. I don't ever want to invest my heart, emotions and time to another man who is not deserving again. I'm getting too old for this. How many times do I have to be hurt? I get it already. I have upped my standards!
I am clean and sober, honest and loyal, and I deserve the same!
I was thinking about this today. What was the longest time we have been apart without speaking or seeing each other. It was 3 weeks. I am not responding to this email, and after 3 weeks, and months pass he will finally know I mean business. He doesn't know me like this. I don't know me like this. But I feel very strong in my decision.
If your husband wants another woman who will be with him knowing he drinks and is unfaithful, then she will get what she deserves. He can't possibly respect a woman like that. She doesn't stand between him and his drinking. That is why he is with her. He won't be happy though. Let's pray for them and leave them with our HP to take care of. Let's unite and agree not to take the insanity any more.
Any women out there with us on this? I'm sure.
Take care of yourself and your kids honey, let HP take care of him. We will survive.
Diana
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: A very sad place
Posts: 115
Leem03-
Would I take him back? That is a difficult question. As I said, I still love him very much but after this I have lost most of the respect I had for him. I'm not sure I would take him back even if he wanted to come back. We have two children together a boy 15 and a girl 13 and as much as we all have missed him, we are all calmer with him gone. At least most of the time. When he was here the kids would not even stay in the room most of the time. They went to their rooms, we didn't talk much unless it was one of the nights he was gone. Now we are always (or just about always) in the same room together watching TV or doing homework or just talking. As difficult as it is for me (and them) I am beginning to realize he probably did us a favor by going with the OW but I really do wish he would have this great recovery and figure out how much pain he has caused us.
I went through the same cycles as many here. I left once and stayed gone for 6 months. He has left twice and stayed gone for a week each time. He actually left for good in July of this year.
Take Care.
Kat
Would I take him back? That is a difficult question. As I said, I still love him very much but after this I have lost most of the respect I had for him. I'm not sure I would take him back even if he wanted to come back. We have two children together a boy 15 and a girl 13 and as much as we all have missed him, we are all calmer with him gone. At least most of the time. When he was here the kids would not even stay in the room most of the time. They went to their rooms, we didn't talk much unless it was one of the nights he was gone. Now we are always (or just about always) in the same room together watching TV or doing homework or just talking. As difficult as it is for me (and them) I am beginning to realize he probably did us a favor by going with the OW but I really do wish he would have this great recovery and figure out how much pain he has caused us.
I went through the same cycles as many here. I left once and stayed gone for 6 months. He has left twice and stayed gone for a week each time. He actually left for good in July of this year.
Take Care.
Kat
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Join Date: Aug 2004
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Posts: 107
Lonlion, thanks for the response. You are right, he is quite a quacker! Just like you I try to put forth extra effort to let him know that no matter what I still love him and would be there to support him, because I feel so guilty that I MAY have caused part of this. I am so happy for you that you are taking stand and not backing down. I know how hard that is. As far as him wanting the other woman, that kills me too. Regardless of whether I think he's happy there or not is not the issue. The problem is I want him to WANT ME. I can't understand why he would want to be with her. That really hurts. To know I have stood by his side through all of this & he would still want to spend any time with her & not me really SUCKS!
Kat, I hear you with the relief you and your kids feel when he is not around. That is such a sense of peace. You really don't realize all the chaos that truly surrounds your life until they are gone for a while. You're able to sleep at night and not worry about him stumbling in or wondering when you will get a call to come and get him. I am happy for you that you are finding that peace even though it is through a tough situation. You and your kids deserve it!
Kat, I hear you with the relief you and your kids feel when he is not around. That is such a sense of peace. You really don't realize all the chaos that truly surrounds your life until they are gone for a while. You're able to sleep at night and not worry about him stumbling in or wondering when you will get a call to come and get him. I am happy for you that you are finding that peace even though it is through a tough situation. You and your kids deserve it!
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