Twice...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Southgate, MI
Posts: 30
Twice...
Hello, this is my first post, and I apologize in advance if it's long. I am not new to alcoholism. I am, however, new to support. My husband passed away 8 years ago from liver failure due to alcohol abuse at the age of 34. We were together 16 years, married for 10. He was a good man who had severe issues with anxiety and self-esteem. He fell off the wagon many times. He sought help multiple times to no avail. When he finally did quit drinking completely, it was too late. When he landed in the hospital, he had to tell friends and family he was an alcoholic. They were shocked. No one knew but me. He was a functional alcoholic, and he hid it well. I had only confided in my best friend about his drinking. I had no other support.
I joined an online support group for young widows, much like this one. I connected with a man who lost his wife to liver failure three months before my husband. She was not functional at all. Our stories were different but had similarities. We helped each with grief and developed a friendship. He lived in another state, but we were only 3 hours apart. We decided to meet. It was unmistakable the connection and bond we felt. Fast forward 7 years, he has now been diagnosed with alcoholism with liver damage. I moved in with him 2 years into our long distance relationship, found out deceptive behavior 3 years into it, moved back home, and decided to rebuild long distance until he could move here when his son finished school next summer. He did drink heavily when I moved out. He was a social drinker, like myself, when we met. I don't know when everything changed but he was abusing alcohol to deal with depression issues. After we decided to rebuild, he promised to cut down and to eventually stop drinking. This has been an ongoing battle for two years. I know he doesn't drink what he used to Bc I can see how much his tolerance has gone down. Before, 8 vodka tonics, 2 margaritas and a couple glasses of wine with dinner was a daily occurrence and never seemed to even affect him. Now, two beers affect him, and this is usually the most he drinks but it's still too much. I'm not there so I can't see what else he might be slowing adding on. I know I am probably codependent and I know that's my fault. How else could I end up in this situation for the second time? I love this man dearly but he's changed, as alcohol does to people. I know I'd be better off to leave him but I just can't do it. I couldn't leave my husband Bc I knew he would die if I did, which ultimately is what happened anyway. I can't go through this again. I don't know what to do and I feel I'm losing control.
Elyse
I joined an online support group for young widows, much like this one. I connected with a man who lost his wife to liver failure three months before my husband. She was not functional at all. Our stories were different but had similarities. We helped each with grief and developed a friendship. He lived in another state, but we were only 3 hours apart. We decided to meet. It was unmistakable the connection and bond we felt. Fast forward 7 years, he has now been diagnosed with alcoholism with liver damage. I moved in with him 2 years into our long distance relationship, found out deceptive behavior 3 years into it, moved back home, and decided to rebuild long distance until he could move here when his son finished school next summer. He did drink heavily when I moved out. He was a social drinker, like myself, when we met. I don't know when everything changed but he was abusing alcohol to deal with depression issues. After we decided to rebuild, he promised to cut down and to eventually stop drinking. This has been an ongoing battle for two years. I know he doesn't drink what he used to Bc I can see how much his tolerance has gone down. Before, 8 vodka tonics, 2 margaritas and a couple glasses of wine with dinner was a daily occurrence and never seemed to even affect him. Now, two beers affect him, and this is usually the most he drinks but it's still too much. I'm not there so I can't see what else he might be slowing adding on. I know I am probably codependent and I know that's my fault. How else could I end up in this situation for the second time? I love this man dearly but he's changed, as alcohol does to people. I know I'd be better off to leave him but I just can't do it. I couldn't leave my husband Bc I knew he would die if I did, which ultimately is what happened anyway. I can't go through this again. I don't know what to do and I feel I'm losing control.
Elyse
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I'm sorry for what brings you here Elyse--
Just because his tolerance is lower doesn't at all mean he's drinking less.
In fact, it could just be his system is not able to process alcohol as well as it did.
My mother began to lose her tolerance as her liver function decreased and she got sicker
but she kept drinking.
Loss of tolerance is also what happened to me before I quit for good.
As you know too well, alcoholics can't drink moderately.
The fact that he is drinking at all is a serious red flag he is not in recovery.
I think you will need to step back and perhaps consider some therapy
to support yourself--please take care of you.
Just because his tolerance is lower doesn't at all mean he's drinking less.
In fact, it could just be his system is not able to process alcohol as well as it did.
My mother began to lose her tolerance as her liver function decreased and she got sicker
but she kept drinking.
Loss of tolerance is also what happened to me before I quit for good.
As you know too well, alcoholics can't drink moderately.
The fact that he is drinking at all is a serious red flag he is not in recovery.
I think you will need to step back and perhaps consider some therapy
to support yourself--please take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I know I am probably codependent and I know that's my fault.
probably yes to the first part, and absolutely not to the second. we don't ASK to be codependent, or take classes to learn how.....codependency is a SURVIVAL mechanism, and while not healthy, it does serve a purpose - a way to help us TRY to manage the unmanageable.
so while we are not responsible for the condition, once we become aware, we ARE then responsible for finding a way OUT.
there is exactly ONE life you are responsible for......YOURS. and of course any minor children. but we are not put on this earth to try and FIX others. there is nothing an outsider can do to cure addiction, or stop the addict from slowly killing themselves if they choose.
he knows full well what his condition is..........he understands the connection between liver damage and drinking. but he is continuing to add to the problem instead of resolving it.
and none of that is your fault.
probably yes to the first part, and absolutely not to the second. we don't ASK to be codependent, or take classes to learn how.....codependency is a SURVIVAL mechanism, and while not healthy, it does serve a purpose - a way to help us TRY to manage the unmanageable.
so while we are not responsible for the condition, once we become aware, we ARE then responsible for finding a way OUT.
there is exactly ONE life you are responsible for......YOURS. and of course any minor children. but we are not put on this earth to try and FIX others. there is nothing an outsider can do to cure addiction, or stop the addict from slowly killing themselves if they choose.
he knows full well what his condition is..........he understands the connection between liver damage and drinking. but he is continuing to add to the problem instead of resolving it.
and none of that is your fault.
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