tigerlily1

For those who don't know I am currently in the process of leaving my AH after 16 years. I am unable to move into my rented condo until the 20th of this month. I am currently staying in our home in the spare room. AH has been drinking for days and last night decided that he is done. Wants me out now. Wants to sell everything business home etc. Says my son his step son cannot stay here. We are not going to be friends. He does not want my help with his business. Wants us to go our separate ways and never speak again. I am heartbroken. Why does it have to end this way?? My son is working at a camp all summer then heading to college. I am heart broken for him. I know my AH is in pain and not coping but apparently we all are going to pay the price. I have a place I am going today or tomorrow to go stay till I can get into my Condo. Desperately trying to find somewhere for my cat to go. Terrified of the financial situation I am now facing. I do not get enough from disability to live in a month. Just heartbroken and feel so anxious and cannot stop crying!!

dandylion

tigetlily.....alcoholics can be soo cruel......
Go ahead and cry it out.....then, get on the phone.....
Call a lawyer......call social services.....call the local rescue organizations...because, they can help you to get someone to "foster" your kitty until you can get into your own place.....

Also, call the local dv organization...they can help you find legal help, financial ssistance, social services that can help....and they also k now people that can help with your animals.....

Please ask for help....it is out there.....keep turning over rocks....lol...

You can and will get through this!!

dandylion

tigerlily1

Thanks so much Dandy! Yep cruel is what it feels like. The lady That I am going to stay with has agreed to let me bring my cat. So that is a huge relief. I can be out of here anytime but hoping it will be tomorrow. My son is moving to camp to be a counsellor for the summer Monday, so helping him get ready for that. Will start making phone calls Monday. Will have to make some huge changes and find ways to lower my cost of living. I am having trouble processing how someone can just be done in such a cold manner. I know a lot of it is the alcohol but it is also the personality. Being done with me is one thing. Being done with my son is totally another. Someday hoping that the pain lessens for us all. Grateful for the stories on here of so many that have taken this step and found joy and peace once they get out and in their own space. That is keeping me moving today.

honeypig

tigerlily, no words of advice or wisdom, just letting you know that you are in my thoughts. I have a little oil lamp that I burn to light the way for those who are in need; I will burn it for you tonight.

Ariesagain

It won't change anything except maybe the timing...but he threw this tantrum while binging and drunk, right?

There's a good chance he won't remember it, won't admit he remembers it, or sobers up enough to realize he's blown it with not one but two codependents and tries to turn things around with the charm offensive or the weepy, apologetic manipulation tactic.

I wish you freedom and happiness...sending you a hug.

tigerlily1

Honey pig you made me cry! Thank you! Ariesagain yes it's during a binge and you are likely right that at some point he may try and take it back or act like it did not happen. Thanks for the encouragement and the hug! Someday soon I am hoping this will just be a memory. My AH has gone to bed with the comment I am just going to die! Yes after drinking for three days and not eating probably feels like it. Sigh!

Bekindalways

Argh Tigerlily, this sounds just rotten. It will pass of course but until then hang tough; let us know how you are and take the best care of yourself possible.

May every angel in the universe dive bomb you and your family!!!

sauerkraut

If he's like my STBXAH, he's having a temper tantrum, and he'll get back to his senses eventually. Mine acts like a 2 year old.

The good news is that you were already on the way out the door, because who wants to be beholden to a grown adult who acts like a toddler? The bad news, of course, is what you're experiencing, being the recipient of his self-loathing and anger.

Breathe. Exhale. Find the resources you need (I'm glad your friend can take you and your cat.) Sending you hugs--

tigerlily1

Thanks Bekindalways, I can barely wait until this phase does pass. Sauerkraut now that you say your STBXA acts like a 2 year old having a tantrum that is exactly what this is like. Stomping of feet when he is walking around the house and slamming of doors. He has gone to bed and gotten up now tonight more times then I can count. Each time he stomps his feet and slams every door he touches. Like seriously???!! I am trying to stay calm. I am also feeling teary that this is also the beginning of change with my son. Meaning he is off to camp for the summer then college. So many changes. Wishing it was all happening with a stable home life for him instead of this mess. Thanks again to all of you for your encouraging words and just being there.

sauerkraut

Try meditating, Tigerlily, if he keeps up the stomping. Just sit quietly and focus on your breath. Even if you don't think you can relax and stop thinking, just the effort itself will distance you from his craziness. Then he loses his power over you, and you're able to recognize that you and your son are on the way to a better life.

I would imagine that's part of the reason he's acting out right now--he's afraid of what lies ahead without you to blame for the disaster he sees when he looks in the mirror.

tigerlily1

I think you are right Sauerkraut re what he is likely feeling. He has told me several times that he hates himself. Sad that they can think that but it's still not enough to make them actually get help and change. I just spent a few minutes doing some focused deep breathing. Thanks for the reminder to meditate. Hoping I can now get some sleep as things seem to finally be quiet Thank again for the support!

FeelingGreat

Tiger, please remember that just because he tell you to go doesn't mean he has any right to evict you from your marital home. It is not just his house, it's yours as well.

Please ignore if you feel unsafe, but if you are safe, you can tell him straight out that you will leave on the 20th and he can put with it until then, or leave himself. Call the police if he gets heavy.

redatlanta

have you contacted an attorney yet?

You speak like you are walking away from this marriage with zip in assets. YO may be able to get alimony, and may have an interest in the business if it sells, and the house.

Honestly I don't see anything good about your son continuing to live with this man. He is a binging, raging alcoholic. What could possibly be good about your son living there having to deal with that crap?

I think he did you all a favor.

Zircon

Tiger,
My heart bleeds for you. I am going through the same thing you
are right now, just a few months ahead of you. I was with my AH for 12 years. It is heartbreaking!! My AH chose his bottle over us. I tried to live in our home while preparing to move, but my ah became too abusive toward myself and my grown daughter., You are doing the right thing, as hard as it is, by moving out. Be sure you're safe! I agree contact an attorney and the domestic violence center in your town. Both are good resources.
I have found there is such a fine line between anger, then becoming rage and turning to physical violence.
As you, I feel like, my AH has just thrown us away, and everything good in his life.
I moved roughly 3 months ago. It has been difficult financially. The move has allowed me to see the situation for what it is, and start taking care of myself and family. I no longer have to listen to my AH belittle me, intimidate me, or threaten me or my daughter.
As you, I have days, when I just cry, remembering the wonderful kind man I married, and how we were going to grow old together. Then I remind myself, that man is gone!!! He no longer exists!!
Only advice I have, is be sure you're safe! You have no control over any of this. He wants to drinks!! Start to take care of yourself and family. I wouldn't be where I am today, without the caring, advice, and support of this form. Continue to post. It helps so much. People here really understand what you're going through. My thoughts are with you!

Z

maia1234

T,
I am sorry for your pain. We all understand leaving a marriage, when you still love this them. He is sick and there is nothing us codies can do, but to protect ourselves and our children. I had to finally leave a relationship of 34 years, talk about heart breaking. But just like Zircon, when we leave we stop thinking about our addict and finally take care of ourselves. Which I am sure you haven't done for a very long time, as our addicts drain every ounce of strength we have.

He is gifting you, by telling you to leave. It was the hardest thing I ever did, but there is life after marriage to an A. We do all survive and some even prosper. I couldn't image still living in the "hell" I was in with my X. I do miss the idea of the happily ever after, but that was never ever going to happen with my A. He is a very, very sick human being. He has a disease that he chooses not to acknowledge and take care of. I could no longer "help" him, so all we can do is give him to God to take are of, our hands are tied. God doesn't need our help, as he can take care of every and every addict who reaches out for his help.

Please take care of you and your child. I know that you don't understand this now, but you will be in a lot better shape then he will when you get out. Sending tons of hugs to you and your son, he will soar and so will you!!