RocketQueen

So I'm about to start court proceedings with my childs Alcoholic father in a few days, and although I have my fingers and toes (and every other part of my body) crossed for supervised visitation, I just cannot predict the outcome of our case. I'm terrified that the courts will just order supervision by his wife or parents - all of which enable and participate - or no supervision at all. Even if we do get supervised visitation, it wont last forever. Now, there is no chance in hell that any of them will stop drinking around our child (order or no order), so I need to come up with strategies for my child to keep themself safe during visitation.

Does anyone have any ideas how I can talk to a five year old child about staying vigilant? I don't want to scare them, but unfortunately if I can't protect them the onus is on the child alone. It's horribly anxiety inducing, and sucks that such a young child has to take on such a huge responsibility.

CodeJob

You want your 5 YO to call you if there's trouble. Lost in a store or a public place or stuck with drinking adults. Can they recite your cell number? Can you teach it to them as a little sing song? So if they get scared, they can sing it which uses memory in a slightly different way than numbers.

I ordered dog tags for my DS with my contact info on it. I clipped one to his overnight backpack for sleep overs and he wore the other as a necklace when we went places where I was a bit concerned he might get lost in a crowd.

The nice thing about this approach as it addresses all emergencies. It also takes future tripping out of the equation.

Mountainmanbob

A simple, "if you see daddy or the others drinking please be sure to let me know, for they are not suppose to be drinking around you." Most 5 year olds are pretty good at picking up on this.

Sometimes the courts may order ones to pick up children at the police station and tell them that they must be sober for visits. Possibly the police can test if sobriety is in doubt?

MB

Hopeworks

A sober alert device court ordered for visit times

Cyranoak

...but I also see the challenge here. There may be no perfect answer, and you probably are already going to do this, but make sure your concerns are crystal, crystal clear to the judge that it is an alcoholic environment, not just an alcoholic ex, and you don't believe your child will be safe, and you don't believe there will be a sober adult present.

Cyranoak

sauerkraut

You might look into Soberlink, as a viable way of protecting your child without impinging on the alcoholic parent's ability to have custodial time. The more you do your research, the more you can advocate such a system. I think it's fairly new--I had to tell my attorney about it and inform her that in fact other states do use it and it is ordered by courts. Then she got on board, and we got my STBXAH to use it.

RocketQueen

Thank you guys

Some good advice in there, although as far as I'm aware, there is nothing like Soberlink available in my country. I'll have to look into it further, but a brief google search tells me I'm out of luck.

I guess I'll just have to keep my fingers and toes crossed for supervised visitation, but with a 12 month waiting list, I'm not liking my chances... *sigh*

RocketQueen

The cops here don't do that. I have a friend who is a police officer, and she said the it's not really something they do unless there is a court order... and even then it's kind of iffy. Something to do with the politics of federal vs state law... I don't really understand how she worded it, but the police don't have jurisdiction in family law unless there is actual harm being done to the child, otherwise they will be spending all their time breath testing every tom dick and harry at the request of a bitter ex (that's my uneducated interpretation anyway). I can, however request a welfare check, which can be written in a report and presented at court though.

maia1234

RQ,
It's been a while since my kids were 5, but can you get him a call phone and teach him how to turn it on and off. He could go hide in the bathroom and call you if something is up. I know that our young kids play on the phone, not sure if they would be allowed to have one and use it.

Sending hugs, as I couldn't imagine dropping my child off in a home with all drunk people!! I am sorry, please stick around here and ask questions. People do come up with some great ideas.

RocketQueen

While that is a good idea, I'm a bit wary of providing my child with a phone at such a young age.
Firstly, being on welfare I just don't have the disposable funds. Every cent I get goes on rent and bills, with whatever is leftover going towards food and clothes for an ever-growing, giant child.
Secondly, I don't trust my child not to lose it on the bus or train, or damage it in some way (well-known klutz)
Thirdly, if the ex finds it, there is a huge chance he will destroy it and tell me it was lost or something. He won't let my child contact me during visitations (because it's "his" time with her).
Fourthly, my child has anxiety issues and very protective of me (thanks to him), and avoids doing anything that may cause either of us to get into trouble.