would you marry a Recovered alcholic?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
I am simply not able to trust. Not after a rather traumatic experience with my ex. I still have issues buying alcohol and having it in the house for myself only! Can I say that dating a recovering alcoholic would be a big trigger for me as I would try to make sure that he is really really in recovery (and we all know what that means, don't we)?
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
No! I say this as recovering alcoholic in my 25th year of recovery. The worst relationship of my life was with another recovering alcoholic (we both had around 10 years at the time), who had no program and was essentially a dry drunk. Now I simply prefer the company of non-alcoholics in friendships and relationships, although I sponsor several recovering alcoholics.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Recovered Alcoholic means recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body.
But then we have to go through the working on ourselves,the character defects,righting our wrongs,learning a new way of life and that is if we are in A.A and working a program. And we never graduate.
Myself I think I would try to avoid a recovering alcoholic.
But then we have to go through the working on ourselves,the character defects,righting our wrongs,learning a new way of life and that is if we are in A.A and working a program. And we never graduate.
Myself I think I would try to avoid a recovering alcoholic.
Originally Posted by juliet2331 
Hi, I just was reading through the post "would you marry an alcoholic", but it was regarding active drinkers.
I was wondering peoples experiences in relationships with those who've stopped drinking.
In my experience, my A has stopped. 9 months now. He is not in a program- he's doing it on his own. He did have to hit rock bottom though. His bottom was ending up in the hospital and being told if he didn't stop now, his life would be over. His body is still healing from the trauma of so much drinking.
I was wondering peoples experiences in relationships with those who've stopped drinking.
In my experience, my A has stopped. 9 months now. He is not in a program- he's doing it on his own. He did have to hit rock bottom though. His bottom was ending up in the hospital and being told if he didn't stop now, his life would be over. His body is still healing from the trauma of so much drinking.
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Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: Houston, Texas
Posts: 171
Ask this question:
Would you marry someone with a history of DV, if they got the counseling and have recovered from that behavior? Would you consider having children with someone with that past?
I ask that because there is always some emotional abuse present in a relationship with an alcoholic. Emotional abuse is tough to sometimes recognize and bear, and it cuts deep. It's tormenting and destructive and takes your own worth away from you. And the recovered alcoholic has done this to someone at some point, most likely. If they relapse, that someone may be you, and/or your kids.
The way I see it, I would need a good 5 years of sobriety, and then would likely date them for the same amount of time before considering marriage. So, a 10 year timeline on a person that may be compatible enough with me to consider a real future with. I'd never have children with them, either.
So, is there anyone worth that kind of timeline and constraint? In my opinion, no.
*Note: to any recovering, I am not trying to label you as physically abusive - those are two different issues. My point is to put a different perspective on this question.
Would you marry someone with a history of DV, if they got the counseling and have recovered from that behavior? Would you consider having children with someone with that past?
I ask that because there is always some emotional abuse present in a relationship with an alcoholic. Emotional abuse is tough to sometimes recognize and bear, and it cuts deep. It's tormenting and destructive and takes your own worth away from you. And the recovered alcoholic has done this to someone at some point, most likely. If they relapse, that someone may be you, and/or your kids.
The way I see it, I would need a good 5 years of sobriety, and then would likely date them for the same amount of time before considering marriage. So, a 10 year timeline on a person that may be compatible enough with me to consider a real future with. I'd never have children with them, either.
So, is there anyone worth that kind of timeline and constraint? In my opinion, no.
*Note: to any recovering, I am not trying to label you as physically abusive - those are two different issues. My point is to put a different perspective on this question.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
Most likely not. I would advise you based on your age. If you are young, want kids, NO. 9 months and no program NO WAY.
If I didn't want children and they had many, many years of active sobriety and still worked a program I may consider it. I would have to date/be engaged for a couple of years.
I don't see much value in getting married if you aren't going to have children anyway. I found my golden egg whom is a recovering alcoholic, its taken a lot of work, and he is awesome. We are in our late 40's and no kids.
P.S. my husband was sober about 10 years when he relapsed. He also nearly died he was in a coma for 28 days from alcoholism. He has chronic pancreatitis and type 1 diabetes from alcoholism. I thought there would be no way he would ever drink again since it can *seriously* end his life quickly. SURPRISE! He did. So, don't fool yourself that a near death experience will prevent him from ever drinking again. Mine convinced himself he was never an alcoholic because a real alcoholic couldn't stay sober 10 years, nor could a real alcoholic moderate (which he did for a while when he relapsed). LOL moderation didn't last long and he went right back down the drain.
If I didn't want children and they had many, many years of active sobriety and still worked a program I may consider it. I would have to date/be engaged for a couple of years.
I don't see much value in getting married if you aren't going to have children anyway. I found my golden egg whom is a recovering alcoholic, its taken a lot of work, and he is awesome. We are in our late 40's and no kids.
P.S. my husband was sober about 10 years when he relapsed. He also nearly died he was in a coma for 28 days from alcoholism. He has chronic pancreatitis and type 1 diabetes from alcoholism. I thought there would be no way he would ever drink again since it can *seriously* end his life quickly. SURPRISE! He did. So, don't fool yourself that a near death experience will prevent him from ever drinking again. Mine convinced himself he was never an alcoholic because a real alcoholic couldn't stay sober 10 years, nor could a real alcoholic moderate (which he did for a while when he relapsed). LOL moderation didn't last long and he went right back down the drain.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: London
Posts: 5
I'm so glad you've asked this question. It's very honest, valid, worth asking, and one that I have been asking myself.
So clearly I don't have an answer as I'm working through that question myself.
A lot of the answers on here are "no." Which I'm sure hurts you (it hurts me a little). But this is not a place of corroboration
It's a place of hard truths. So the folks who have posted "no" are definitely worth considering - as are the people who said "maybe."
This question is loaded with other questions, like:
- When we love someone, don't we love all of them? Take them for the good and bad, in sickness and in health?
- Does being a recovering/recovered alcoholic preclude him/her from ever being married or partnered?
- What would a life with an recovering/recovered alcoholic look like?
- What does recovering/recovered really mean? Is anyone ever really fully recovered?
This is a really tough question. I'm sorry I don't have much more to contribute here. But I empathize with your issue. It's one that will take a lot of time, introspection, discussion, maybe some therapy for yourself to answer.
So clearly I don't have an answer as I'm working through that question myself.
A lot of the answers on here are "no." Which I'm sure hurts you (it hurts me a little). But this is not a place of corroboration
It's a place of hard truths. So the folks who have posted "no" are definitely worth considering - as are the people who said "maybe."This question is loaded with other questions, like:
- When we love someone, don't we love all of them? Take them for the good and bad, in sickness and in health?
- Does being a recovering/recovered alcoholic preclude him/her from ever being married or partnered?
- What would a life with an recovering/recovered alcoholic look like?
- What does recovering/recovered really mean? Is anyone ever really fully recovered?
This is a really tough question. I'm sorry I don't have much more to contribute here. But I empathize with your issue. It's one that will take a lot of time, introspection, discussion, maybe some therapy for yourself to answer.
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 246
I would respectfully pass on a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. I say respectfully because I'm sure it takes so much time, effort and commitment to recover from alcoholism and address the deep rooted issues...and I don't want to take anything away from it.
I doubt I would take the chance though. I wouldn't want to go through the experience once more in my life.
I doubt I would take the chance though. I wouldn't want to go through the experience once more in my life.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
I've live with an alcoholic for 17 years...
...and while much improved, she still relapses once or twice a year. My answer to your question is NEVER. NEVER. NEVER!!!!!!!! And, I could give a **** if they have been sober for 20 years. My wife is the first and the last alcoholic I'll ever have intimacy with-- ever.
I do not trust, even for one second, any kind of addict, using or recovered, enough to be in a relationship with one. It's always in the background, like Dr. Hook's ticking clock.
Cyranoak
I do not trust, even for one second, any kind of addict, using or recovered, enough to be in a relationship with one. It's always in the background, like Dr. Hook's ticking clock.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 163
I have been with my aw for close to 30 years. Several treatment programs and ultimately relapses. An a can go years in remission and without warning relapse. Their is absolutely no way that I would ever subject myself to the misery of being married to an a again. It would be very expensive for me to get out now. My advice is to never get into a relationship with an active or in remission A. Their lying and cheating will never end.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
I agree that this kind of decision is based on a lot of factors like: are you already IN a committed relationship & wondering whether you should stay or are you talking about starting a new relationship with someone 9 months sober?
I obviously stayed with RAH & am working through my own recovery. My decision factored in our decade+ marriage & child together among other things.
Based on this:
I'd say be VERY careful to not confuse sobriety with recovery, they are not the same thing AT ALL. My husband was sober for over 2 years before really starting his recovery & while I thought he had already had his "rock bottom" moment, I was wrong. He even attended AA the whole time he was sober & not recovering - but he hadn't fully humbled himself to working the program or been able to stop seeing himself as "terminally unique".
The only thing that saved my sanity during his relapse/2nd attempt at recovery was that I hadn't slacked on my own recovery in the meantime. I'd spent the same time fully committed to becoming healthier & it showed in a thousand ways, big & small.
If this is a new relationship & he has 9 months of white-knuckling with no therapy or program, I'm walking in the other direction no matter how "recovered" he seems. To me, this only means that their addiction is dormant right now - no telling when/if it will reactivate or how fast it will get ugly. But with no program in place I do know that they have no system of checks & balances in place to help them to avoid what might trigger that relapse or give them the tools or resources to manage it if it's unavoidable or takes them by surprise.
I'd be wary of anyone calling themselves "recovered" as well, because it's not something that ever gets finished - an addict stays "in recovery" for the rest of their life even if their program goes through more & less active phases, IMO. Recovery doesn't work when it's used solely for Crisis Management - we use the words process, program, "getting healthy", etc. to describe it because with all the emotional & spiritual work necessary for a well rounded recovery, it's so much more than Just Not Drinking.
I obviously stayed with RAH & am working through my own recovery. My decision factored in our decade+ marriage & child together among other things.
Based on this:
Originally Posted by juliet2331
...... my A has stopped. 9 months now. He is not in a program- he's doing it on his own.
The only thing that saved my sanity during his relapse/2nd attempt at recovery was that I hadn't slacked on my own recovery in the meantime. I'd spent the same time fully committed to becoming healthier & it showed in a thousand ways, big & small.
If this is a new relationship & he has 9 months of white-knuckling with no therapy or program, I'm walking in the other direction no matter how "recovered" he seems. To me, this only means that their addiction is dormant right now - no telling when/if it will reactivate or how fast it will get ugly. But with no program in place I do know that they have no system of checks & balances in place to help them to avoid what might trigger that relapse or give them the tools or resources to manage it if it's unavoidable or takes them by surprise.
I'd be wary of anyone calling themselves "recovered" as well, because it's not something that ever gets finished - an addict stays "in recovery" for the rest of their life even if their program goes through more & less active phases, IMO. Recovery doesn't work when it's used solely for Crisis Management - we use the words process, program, "getting healthy", etc. to describe it because with all the emotional & spiritual work necessary for a well rounded recovery, it's so much more than Just Not Drinking.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
YES!
But that's ONLY to satisfy my own masochistic desires of bringing hell on earth into my heart, my bedroom, my kids' lives, my familys' lives, my bank account, my peace of mind, my mental/physical/spiritual health,...
...gosh, that list could on.
Sorry for being so cheerful about it all, but that comes from...being married to addict.
PEACE!
But that's ONLY to satisfy my own masochistic desires of bringing hell on earth into my heart, my bedroom, my kids' lives, my familys' lives, my bank account, my peace of mind, my mental/physical/spiritual health,...
...gosh, that list could on.
Sorry for being so cheerful about it all, but that comes from...being married to addict.
PEACE!
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