Keywest0724

Hello,

I posted the following and a few updates in the "Newcomer" area and it was suggested that I also post here:
*********
"Hello...please bare with me as I get through this. I have come to the realization that my pregnant wife is an addict. Perhaps I came to the realization a month or so ago, but for reasons I can't comprehend, I chose to believe she wasn't or that I could help her through it. Reading through some threads on this site dealing with the same issue has helped me start this process. Tonight was enough. I am sick to my stomach thinking about how my inaction may have impacted our unborn child. I blame myself almost as much as my wife. Reading through some similar situation threads, it is the same cycle: never their fault, the last time, my fault for to much stress, I'm imaging things, twisting, turning and lying.

Well, tonight was enough...until tonight I have been going it alone...thinking I could solve this problem myself. That has been an epic failure. I have now clued her parents in on the problem and will be calling her OB first thing in the morning to get advice on steps we need to take. I will take whatever steps I need to take to protect my unborn child first and help my wife second. I am physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from dealing with all of this.

I'm sorry for rambling and will get to my questions...what should I expect from here? Her parents are willing to help and assist with any treatment needed. What will tomorrow bring when I talk to her OB? How will my wife react when she finds out I did? When she finds out I have shared everything with her parents? What will next week bring, next month, next year?

I am not a forum person, but really need a support system and found some great advice here. Thank you in advance."
********

A cliff notes version of the current situation is that day one of my action sparked hatred, horrible text messages and threats to harm herself that were in actuality cries for help that she would refuse. We are now on Day of Action +2. My wife and I can speak to one another, but it is very short and with little substance. She still feels betrayed by me that I would go to her parents and her doctor "behind her back". She brought her parents into the situation on Tuesday night, but I provided all the ugly details.

Regardless, she refuses to look at the evidence that she has a problem and is still focused on how everyone is against her. She wouldn't talk to me about it last night, but was quick on chat and text this morning. I am fighting the urge to get sucked into it, and only told her that I will not talk about something so important via text and chat...we need to be face to face where are words have consequences and we aren't hiding behind computers. Her response was: "i have nothing to say to you...as far as i am concerned you and I are done, i am in this for "P" and the baby right now, i want nothing to do with you. And when the child is born and lease is up we can go seperate ways and coparent,
but no i will not confide in you ever again."

It is sad that she thinks me hiding her drinking problem is "confiding in me". It is so hard to stay strong. I believe I have incredible resilience to her attacks, but it is hard to fight my mind from worrying about the future. What am I supposed to be doing to help her see that she has a problem? I am trying to get in to see her OB today because my wife refuses to do so. All of the questions I have see to have obvious answers..."it is different for everyone", "you can't make her realize she has a problem", "it will take a long time"...I get it, but how can I just sit here doing nothing...or at least feeling like I'm doing nothing?

The SR website has truly been a great resource....Thank you!

CentralOhioDad

Welcome, Key West, but sorry for what brought you here. I can never understand why/how someone can even consider harming an unborn infant's life in any way. Such a sad situation.

And yes, you are to blame for everything - at least in the mind of an addict. That's a tough pill to swallow, I understand, and I'm sorry.

I'm sure you will get lots of good wisdom and support from others who will be along soon. I think you did the right thing by contacting the OB

SmallButMighty

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am so sorry your baby is going through this.

I think you did the right thing contacting the OB. I don't know what else there is you can do. I can't imagine how helpless you must feel trying to save a child you can't physically protect from it's abusing parent.

I wish I had advice for you, I don't. This situation breaks my heart.

I am not a religious woman but I am praying with my entire soul for the health of your child.

firebolt

Wow - you must be exhausted!

Her drinking while pregnant is not your fault. Not in any way, shape or form. PLease try to let go of that.

It isn't the time to do nothing.

You have a laundry list to do if you want to make it out of this relatively unscathed.

Things that helped me - Yes me, not the addict (I'll echo there is nothing you can do there besides love her to the best of your ability, NOT enable her, and not let the consequences of her addiction kill you too.)

-read codependent no more
- counseling, with someone that knows the ins and outs of addiction
- Alanon, CODA, whatever - a group program and step work helps so much
- I hung out in here - A LOT - soon, you will see your same story unfold from others, time and time again and the knowledge here carries us through!
- I started taking care of myself - got back into my hobbies, reconnected with friends and family, exercised, ate right, generally just cleaned house on my life. It was long overdue, and it changed everything.
-Detached from the addict. I loved him, still care for him, but I quit doing anything with him if he was going to be drinking. It just wasn't fun for me anymore, and there are way too many other things in life that are fun / healthy / stimulating for me to be spending time with someone that was dragging me down and I felt like I had to monitor.

Many times when WE get healthy, our relationship dynamic changes drastically. Sometimes the addict follows suit and wants health for themselves, many times the addicts addiction and negative behaviors ramp up (after all we've stopped policing /pressuring / blaming / begging etc.) If that happens, hopefully we are in a place where we love ourselves enough to leave.

No matter what she does, you deserve a better life and can get it for yourself and your family. Best to you all in this painful situation.

dandylion

KeyWest.....If I were in your shoes, in addition to what you have already done...talking to her OB, etc.... I would get an immediate appointment with a professional alcoholism counselor...and one that is an alcoholic who has had long term recovery.....and have them guide you through this....
Because, I know the facility...I would call Hazelden Treatment Center , in Minnesota and ask to speak to someone...they can help you find the right person to talk to...and, help you.....

This is for starters.....

I imagine that you wife feels very "judged", right now.....I would try to tell her that you don't judge her....but, that the two of you have to protect the baby together.......Try not to use "YOU" statements...use "we"...or "he/her" for the baby......

I understand how difficult this is ......

dandylion

atalose

Keywest0724 welcome and so very sorry for what brings you here.

Addiction is the only disease that conveniences the person they don’t have a disease.

Standard playbook for an alcoholic is denial, blame, minimizing things, deflection, changing the subject by bringing up all of your perceived faults, emotional manipulations, lies and emotional withdrawal from you as punishment just to name a few.

At this point the only help you can offer is help to your unborn baby via working with the OB and possibly family services on what can be done to protect the baby.

It’s like time to begin to think about a future for you and your child that does not include an alcoholic. Those plans should not hinge on IF she goes for treatment or not but put in place despite what ever she chooses or not chooses to do about her addiction.

AdelineRose

Hey, I am a recovering addict and the loved one of an addict and it really is true that there is nothing that you can do. I wish the answer was different, but I have been an addict and I know how warped and demented the addict mind can be in the mist of active addiction.

All you have control over is yourself. You need to take care of yourself too, it is hell being in a relationship with an addict; have you considered going to counseling to help you talk through what is going on and what you can do to keep yourself healthy and moving forward?

Begging your wife, telling her parents, calling her doctors, fighting with her- none of that is going to make her get help. In patient rehab for the remainder of her pregnancy would be her best bet, but until she is ready to get sober it doesn't matter what help she is offered if she won't accept it.

I know your heart is breaking for your unborn child, but unfortunately she is the one controlling what goes into her body and therefore goes to the baby. I know you feel helpless and that you feel like you need to be doing something. So take action for yourself; get counseling, create a strong network of friends, make a strong family environment with the grandparents and extended family so your child will have a solid family despite your wife, and I would document any substance abuse, suicide threats, etc. so that when the baby is born you can get full custody and then you will be able to monitor and do whatever you need to for your child. When she threatens to hurt herself you could get her taken in for a 72 psych hold but if she doesn't want to get sober she will just go right back to where she started.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, stick around and continue to post- SoberRecovery is a wonderful resource and support network.

Wisconsin

Hello to you in Milwaukee, keywest (from someone else in Milwaukee!).

I think you have gotten good feedback here. Admittedly your situation is special, because your wife is pregnant. You can't just detach and let her choose her own path; at least, not until the baby is born. Since her OB is now aware of what's going on, I would do your best to follow the OB's advice. Take care of yourself, and stay focused on your own emotional well-being.

FeelingGreat

Key, she's going to throw everything, and I mean everything at you to protect her addiction. You're right not to get sucked in -ignore the abuse, the threats, the tantrums and keep on the path of doing what you can for your baby. Think in terms of the addiction speaking, not the woman, and it will help you through.

I promise you that if she recovers, and I hope she will, she will thank you one day.