baxter

Here I am again - wow, 5 years later. Thought I had all this strength, all these boundaries to keep AD still in my life and at the same time keep myself at peace. But the cracks in that foundation were so small that until it all caved in, and I found myself once more at the "Gates of Hell" that I had to now start back at square one, so Hello Again!

AD is back to "attack mode" phone messages and social media ones. She's been pretty good on that part for quite a few years. This one started with her, being drunk, letting me know that I had no right mentioning anything to her middle daughter about food for her graduation party. It was her daughter, not mine so back off! That was a result of her three girls spending the four day Memorial holiday with all the rest of the family and not her and a brief discussion of the party food - no planning. I just made a brief reply that it was just a suggestion, no planning and well, she wasn't about to understand that while drunk. That was the start -

Before I knew it she was on the "you never just drop in for coffee" it's a 25 year battle and one I reply with "that's not me". You either invite me for a certain day and time or stop over here. Which led her to point out how selfish that was, that it's always about me, etc. (I have tried it and she's either already had a drink or I have to look at her new things she bought while still owing me thousands of dollars, she hasn't paid rent, and so on so I'm not comfortable).

Then she threw in a new one. While my husband and I were in Florida, on our winter three month break, her father, my ex, passed away 4 years ago and I never bothered to come back or call and comfort her. She hated her father, said he was nothing but a drunk, Then she was back on to the party, then the coffee, then the party and on and on she went.

Next day I called her sisters, let them know how relentless she was and that for my granddaughters sake we would not discuss the graduation party, at all, without the "mother" around. Of course that got back to her and I'm the bad guy because I knew she was drunk and that she knew she would apologize for it and I had no right telling anyone else. I have a big mouth, etc. I just said she shouldn't have done it to start with and it wouldn't have happened.

Help !!! I need strength again. I need people to vent to that go through this. She has pushed the whole family away and yes, I talk to them and she considers me a "tattletale", that I've made the family hate her. She's verbally attacked all of them at one time or another. Need boundaries back - oh, those little cracks.

maia1234

B,
I am so sorry, your relationship with her is a train wreck. There is no pleasing an addict, and you are always going to be doing something wrong. Expecting a normal relationship with an addict is crazy, it's never going to happen.

The only thing that will bring you peace is to cut ties from her. Stop all contact if you can, phone, social media, texting. She is an abusive angry drunk and nothing will ever change if you continue to engage with her.

I'm sorry for all the pain she has caused you, but only you can change it. Sending hugs my friend!!

dandylion

maia....as a mother of an adult child who is an alcoholic (now sober)......I can tell you that I understand the way that they can hurt us l ike nobody else.....
We don't get to "divorce" them......they remain a part of o ur heart, no matter what
We get to love them, but we do not have control over them......and, sometimes we have to learn to love them from a distance.......That is a lesson that I have had to learn for myself......
Try your best to remember that, whatever her demons are...they are a battle within herself and not necessarily a reflection of you,,,,,
Try hard not to personalize it......
don't let it cost you your o wn happiness......Any pain that you may feel will not ease her burdens any and it will not benefit you in any way.....

You HAVE to "retread"your p rotective boundaries in order to do this!
As a mother, I know, first hand, how hard this is to do after a peaceful period of time. We tend to relax the boundaries.....
It is important to gather your support a little closer, at a time like this.......

You are not alone.....there are millions of mothers who know exactly how your are feeling......

Very sincerely,
dandylion

FeelingGreat

Hi baxter, this is all about her, and nothing to do with you. If you want to worry about something, make it her poor children.
I suggest that you never try to justify yourself in response to her attacks. What's the point? It's not really about you, it's because she's an A and needs someone to attack. From what you say you're not the only one and you can gracefully step out of the fray.
If you really do feel you've wronged her in some way, save it up for a discussion when she's sober.
Consider blocking her number, and of course her social media account. There's no joy for you there. You can still keep in touch with her children in case of emergency.

baxter

Thanks - needed this and I already feel so much stronger. I have Unfriended her on social media and told the grandkids that if they call leave a message and I'll call them. I did tell graduating granddaughter that I'll help her in any way, 100%, for her party but that I won't plan it with her mother and for her to let me know what she needs. Also told graduating granddaughter that it wasn't her responsibility to stay in this damaged home thinking to protect her younger sister. It's up to her father to do that job and that she should get out and begin to heal herself.

You guys rock!

hopeful4

Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. You are right about those little cracks.

You do not have to endure the BS she is throwing your way. It's like you are expected to tolerate it b/c you know she will apologize later? That is stinking thinking for sure. No one has to do that.

It's good for you to have boundaries for YOU. And good that you are discussing boundaries for your granddaughters and educating them.

Many, many hugs. Sorry for why you are here, but glad to have you!