Oread

Me and my boyfriend broke up in February after four years. He shoved me repeatedly and told me to get out of the house. I moved in with my mom in another city and lost my job. He wasn't just my boyfriend- he was my best friend, my only friend. I literally have not one friend I can talk to. My mom is sometimes emotionally abusive and living with her has been another kind of hell. Her boyfriend lives in the house and I loathe him...he hit her in the face four years ago and she got back together with him. My sister hasn't even contacted me for months because of a minor feud. I have no money. I have no medical insurance. I also have health problems and feel so ill every day at 26 years old. Do you think emotional trauma can impact your health in a large way?

It seems like it is getting harder, not easier. My ex was sending messages for months telling me "he loves me more than anything" "he misses me sooo much" but he is still drinking! and he is still lying about it! It simply confounds me that someone who I loved so so dearly and who's love kept me afloat for years can just lie to me over and over over. And continue to wreck our relationship while simultaneously trying to draw me back in. I'm never able to fully express this in words.

I know this sounds like a pity party for me, but I feel so hopeless... I struggled with depression before I met him but I feel like it was better then because I had hope and a future. Now I feel so hopeless.

What helped you get better?

Bekindalways

Hi Oread. The answer to your question as far as a time period probably depends on the circumstances of each person.

To ease the pain I did lots of "next right action" even when that action was teeny. Sometimes I only lived 15 minutes at a time. I counted days since my last contact with him as I knew I just had to get through a certain amount of time to feel better. I pursued my own interests (language and travel). I read How to Survive the Loss of a Love and Codependent No More. I cried. Lots.

Do everything to take care of yourself. This is such an absolutely tough time. I wish you had a better place to land.

Readreadread

Some days will be better than others... You deserve to be in a relationship that is loving, not abusive.
What really helps my mental health is jogging. When I first started it was one block jogging, one block walking... What's nice is that you can do it anywhere.
There are also free meditations on you tube that helped me when I was really sad... It will get better....

healthyagain

You do not have to express it. You are being manipulated and you can feel it. Can you go no contact? Sometimes, this is the only way. Sometimes they play the game for too long, and even when you stop dancing to his tune, he will play harder.

It gets better, I promise you. But you must remove his toxicity from your system. They can affect you in so many different ways. They can kill your self-confidence, drive you nuts, separate you from your loved ones.

First 6 months is the hardest, at one year, things really start falling into their place.

Oread

Thank you. I did block him last week. He had been sending really heart-felt messages all week about how he believe we were meant to be together and he truly wants to prove himself to me yada yada. and then I found out he was drinking on one of the days he sent those messages.

I informed him that I was blocking him. He still keeps trying to call. The phone autoblocks him, but still informs me that he called. Just seeing this troubles me. And today he started calling from his work phone. At least I can't see text messages, though.

Oread

Thank you! By "next right action," do you mean concentrating on one task at a time?

dandylion

I must say that I concur with healthyagain, that in general, the first 6months is the hardest and at about one year, thing start to falling in place......

don't give up....keep marching forward.....
You certainly are not alone!

dandylion

firebolt

There are a lot of things that helped me.

Reconnecting with the things I truly love to do when I am alone. I am a bookworm, I love long walks, playing Frisbee with my dog, fishing, gardening and building things.

Getting back in touch with old friends and making new ones has been amazing.

I spend more time with my family, and have dinner with my neighbor.

I found a motorcycle riding group, a friend to fish with and a Sunday brunch group.

There are amazing people out there - and there are great things to do solo. We just have to love ourselves enough to seek it all out.

Be good to yourself - do the things that make you happy ALONE! It will change everything!

Bekindalways

"Next right action" does mean focusing on one action at a time. It also means breaking a huge project into tiny steps. It is also specific to a person. Blocking your XABF was a "next right action" (congrats!) in leaving a toxic relationship.

Readreadread, makes a good point about jogging. Exercise helps pretty much any situation. I hate exercising so I break it into teeny steps which start with find my gym socks (-:

It sounds like your living situation is pretty miserable. This would be something to work on through many "next right steps". The first step could be "look at craigslist for job or rental".

Yoga

Emotional trauma can impact your health in a large way. For sure.

healthyagain

This might sound weird, but the person who "helped" me most was my alcoholic himself. Do you know why?

It was one bad action, after another, after another, and every time I would dare to even think, "ok, now he gonna hit the bottom, this is it!" he does something so upsetingly insane, that even the most codependent part of me decided to let go. Not exactly let go, but to discard, toss away. Because at one point, you will have to choose between your own and their life. They simply make you do so.

ladyscribbler

What helped me? Honestly, getting a life. Learning to live without that safety net of a relationship, however dysfunctional.

I lived with my mom for a few months after leaving my ex. She is mentally ill and it was very challenging. I was looking for another place, but in our area the availability of rentals is very much tied in with the college year. I remember she had a huge blowout breakdown, screaming in my face, spitting and ranting and raging and raving and just going nuts (she doesn't remember it at all, btw) about how all of us needed to get out of her house and leave her alone. I had been looking for a place without much success and had kind of resigned myself to waiting until June, but right after that a place came available with a March move in date because some people were breaking their lease. When I told her she actually said, "You guys don't have to leave right away. You can stay as long as you need. " She literally had no memory of her outburst.

As crazy and nasty and abusive as she was, it was still scary for me to be totally on my own, but it has turned out to be the best thing I ever did for myself. My life has improved by leaps and bounds even as I navigate the fears and challenges of this new life.

There's a reason that your chose an alcoholic partner, and family of origin issues have a lot to do with it. Keep taking care of you and your life will blossom.

Oread

ladyscibbler: That sounds traumatic- I'm so glad you got out of there.

Thank you guys for you encouraging words.

maia1234

O,
Can you hit any alanon meetings or open aa meetings. Face to face support might help you. They cost nothing, you pay a buck if you can. Please reach out if you can. The year I divorced I was going to two open AA meetings and two alanon meetings and sr at night, I did this for 10 straight months, each week.

I was very sick, very low self esteem. I wanted to survive and thrive!! You can too, you got out alive!! I agree no new contact makes it less painful. I would go out for walks and fresh air. All things that you an do on your own.

Sending hugs and support my friend, you can do this!!

Liveitwell

I second all the great advice you've received so far....get a life! For so long we were deprived of a life-bc our lives revolved around our A's and their dysfunction and denial and chaos and unsafe decisions and abuse (for many of us ). Once you taste freedom and real life and learn to stand on your own two feet, you won't miss it...bc you'll realize what yi had was just a myth-you can't have happily ever after with an A-but there's a huge chance you'll have miserably ever after.

You'll survive and thrive!!

oldsoul1122

When I did that years ago it took awhile and it was painful. I tried "weaning" like with alcohol and it didn't work. A friend told me I was "cutting the dog's tail off an inch at a time" instead of just getting it over with and go through the necessary pain. I finally did it but after I was so damaged my life was at stake.

Oread

I'm curious about the AA meetings. Would I go to one specifically for family and friends? If not, wouldn't it be triggering of bad emotions to hear other alcoholics talk about their experiences? I hear this suggested a lot, but I'm confused how it would help for the non-alcoholic.

Readreadread

There is Alanon which is for friends and family.... You should be able to find a meeting in your area.... I think you can google it and put in your zip code. It helped me to know that I was not alone and I learned that my family of origin was also very dysfunctional... Alanon gave me tools to live

LexieCat

Open AA meetings are open to anyone who wants to attend--only "closed meetings" (and there are relatively few of them) are solely for alcoholics or people concerned about their own drinking. I think AA meetings are a GREAT way to understand more about alcoholism. I think you would find it enlightening, rather than "triggering"--most shares are about some aspect of AA or the 12 Steps. Like Al-Anon (which is for family and friends), it is a place for members to share their experience, strength, and hope. You won't be expected to share at an AA meeting. If it's so small that they go around the room so everyone gets a turn, all you have to say is "Pass" or "I'm just here to listen."

Al-Anon is YOUR place, but AA members are warm and welcoming, and you are likely to learn a lot about alcoholism.

redatlanta

In order to get out of a hole you have to quit digging. I think part of your problem is that you are stuck living at your mom's house which doesn't sound like a good environment at all. You have no friends, and I assume are struggling a bit financially or you would not be there.

Yes stress can impact health in very serious ways. Stress is the cause of most illness. It lowers the immune system, it taxes our system, it causes anxiety, it causes, and exacerbates depression.

You need to have a plan whereby you can free yourself from your current living arrangements so you can live the way you want to rather than how you are having to. As far as no insurance there should be a local health department that can help you with you physical issues.

Are you working? What are you doing on a daily basis as far as getting out of the house? I also recommend Al Anon. Will help you so much. You need some social interaction anyway, and as far as friends, in order to make one you have to put yourself out there to meet people.