Not sure how I feel but have been self loathing all day
 

My husband stayed over yesterday, spent the night, slept in our bed. You get the picture. He is acting normal just now before he goes to inpatient.

I got emotional and my mind kept going back to the forced times. But maybe its better to have the first time out of the way before he goes away?

I am afraid he is going to lose it before he gets on the plane to go. His dad is travelling with him.

All the pain, anger,fear and shame came rushing back after the deed was done. Maybe I do need counseling? Will all the bad memories go away?
And what if 's play over and over. Maybe I should be angry with myself? I kept having flashbacks of my alanon group and dont I deserve more? Isnt being treated abusively once enough to make me ask why set myself up for more? Am I all messed up and giving too much to him. Giving myself to someone who hasnt yet proven he will put me, our marriage above drugs and alcohol? I feel bad about myself because I slept with my own husband . I feel like I'm in pieces emotionally. But I be he doesnt feel that way at all.

He was thoughtful but what if I can't get past this? Am I weak because I go back for more. Weak for loving him? What do I do to make these self loathing feelings stop?

Feel better posting that but realize I do have some trauma over what happened especially because of the broken trust and respect.

But logically I know I'm not bad, nothing is wrong with my love for him because Ive got so much good to measure by. I think I just need time and maybe some counseling.

Big hug to you Aliciagr.

Relationships with A's are complex and never more so when you are still in love and there is some hope.

In response to your question, "Am I all messed up?" Yep, you are. And so are the rest of us! Just do the best you can with what you know and where you are. When you can do better than you will do better. Most of all please treat yourself kindly.

two things to consider:

1) what are you going to do for YOU if he does go to treatment
2) what are you going to do for YOU if he does NOT go to treatment.

Alicia.....stop blaming yourself.
I am going to speak very directly to you....in a sort of unvarnished way.....
You are the victim of abuse. He is the perpetrator of that abuse.
It traumatized you (as abuse always does).
trauma leaves wounds....wounds on the inside..that others can't see, looking from the outside.
We can't look to the abuser to be the one to help/let us heal....although that is what the victim often yearns for.....The one that harmed us cannot be the one to heal us.....

I am so happy that you are asking if you need counseling to help you.....because that means that a part of you is open to the idea of getting real help that can bring you inner peace.....
I say YES....absolutely get some counseling. I believe that all victims of abuse==any type of abuse...need specialized support and counseling from professional workers who know what they are doing. Those are the people who know how to help you.
You, so wisely, spoke to the dv people at one time. I say to get in touch with them...and ask them to help get you set up with a counselor and an ongoing support group.
Your husband doesn't need to even know about this. If he were to ask..I would simply tell him that you are getting counseling for "woman's self enrichment and impovement".
Victims often....almost always...carry a burden of inappropriate guilt......
That is so self abusive.....We say that the victim should never, ever be blamed....
So....please stop blaming yourself and realize that you are carrying undeserved "guilt".
Nobody should have to feel guilty for sleeping with their own husband.....
this, alone, should alert you that something has been broken.....

I do believe that the only real way to help yourself is to get the counseling from the experts ........
Those who get the help are the ones who get to healing......

You certainly are not alone.....

dandylion

Ali, I think counselling would be a great relief for you, and will help you in every way. I've been to counselling at certain times of my life, to get me through rough spots. One thing it does is give you motivation to move on if your stuck in some aspect of your life. It doesn't have to be a marriage.

I don't think anyone goes through life with no battle scars, even if you can't see them from the outside.