Would you marry an alcoholic?
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: Coronado, CA
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by HopingForCure 
NadoMama, This seems so relevant. My ex also went to rehab just to get me off his back. His family kept saying that they have tried their hardest to send him to a rehab in the past and he would never agree to it. And now that he did it, he must really love me and must be serious about quitting - And I believed them. He was also the model patient BUT the day he got back from rehab, that same night, I caught him with alcohol. I confiscated his wallet so he does not go buy anymore. And he ended up finding cash from somewhere, was hiding cash in his sock and buying alcohol every time he went for a jog, and I did not find out about it until one day he could not make it to his regular "jogs" and had a seizure at home 
This breaks my heart.
This breaks my heart.PS, I have to have five posts before I am allowed to respond to a PM. I will do my best to get there quickly without being random and annoying.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
Would I marry a still practicing alcoholic?
That would be a for sure -- no.
Marry one in recovery?
Possibly yes, depending on a lot of things.
How long sober? Working a recovery Program? Church attendance?
Marrying a normie is not a bad deal.
At least the odds (may be) in your favor.
I have dated many from the rooms of AA.
Can make for a rough ride.
Why? Many in recovery will end up going back out.
It's sad but, the truth.
Seems that for the drunk that does not get into a strong recovery Program
there is not much hope for a truly happy family -- all will usually suffer to some extent.
Mountainmanbob
That would be a for sure -- no.
Marry one in recovery?
Possibly yes, depending on a lot of things.
How long sober? Working a recovery Program? Church attendance?
Marrying a normie is not a bad deal.
At least the odds (may be) in your favor.
I have dated many from the rooms of AA.
Can make for a rough ride.
Why? Many in recovery will end up going back out.
It's sad but, the truth.
Seems that for the drunk that does not get into a strong recovery Program
there is not much hope for a truly happy family -- all will usually suffer to some extent.
Mountainmanbob
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hoping, I'm really sorry you feel stigma and judgements from your F&F about not being married by mid-30s and for breaking off an engagement.
Your family must be very conservative indeed if they don't approve of you leaving an engagement because you realise it was a mistake. You must always do what's best for you, and if they don't support you, that's sad, but you are an adult and perfectly capable of deciding for yourself. Just make sure you're not projecting your own judgements of yourself onto them (it's called mind-reading and it's often wrong).
I suggest you find a counsellor you can talk to about your need to please and other worries you have about where your life is going. You may be thinking it's either you ABF or no-one, and that's something you need to examine.
I also picked up about your ABF saying he'll consider out-patient if you get back together. This is a big red flag. As a recovering A I see this as half-hearted. He may have wonderful fantasies about what life would have been like for him without A, but making a recovery conditional shows ambivalence about becoming sober. He'll only go for it if he has an incentive.
All the best, and remember, it's as much about you as him. Find someone to talk to.
Your family must be very conservative indeed if they don't approve of you leaving an engagement because you realise it was a mistake. You must always do what's best for you, and if they don't support you, that's sad, but you are an adult and perfectly capable of deciding for yourself. Just make sure you're not projecting your own judgements of yourself onto them (it's called mind-reading and it's often wrong).
I suggest you find a counsellor you can talk to about your need to please and other worries you have about where your life is going. You may be thinking it's either you ABF or no-one, and that's something you need to examine.
I also picked up about your ABF saying he'll consider out-patient if you get back together. This is a big red flag. As a recovering A I see this as half-hearted. He may have wonderful fantasies about what life would have been like for him without A, but making a recovery conditional shows ambivalence about becoming sober. He'll only go for it if he has an incentive.
All the best, and remember, it's as much about you as him. Find someone to talk to.
Yesterday for the first time, I did not care if my ex slept in all day and did not send me his breathalyzer tests every 6-8 hours. I did talk to him at the end of the day and he sent me his test once before he went to bed. But the point here is that I am learning to detach myself.
I know he will follow up with me in the coming weeks about our 'relationship status' since he thinks being sober for few weeks resolves all issues. I am not sure what I should say to him when he follows up.
I can totally see us getting into a negotiation again. Me telling him that I I love him but I don't want us to get back together because he is not in a recovery program or I don't trust him because he has not been sober long enough... And him making promises and asking me to have faith in him...and that he will join a recovery program if that's what it takes to get me back.
I certainly know there is a way out, I am just not sure if there is an easy way out.
Questions for those who have witnessed seizures. How did you cope with them? I feel traumatized as I still have nightmares about them. I don't think I can be in the same room as my ex unless I am 100% sure he is not going to have a withdrawal seizure.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
If he were really interested in making changes for the better, he would join a recovery program WITHOUT using it as a carrot to get you to recommit to the relationship.
This is Manipulation 101.
Until he wants to get himself well WITH OR WITHOUT YOU it is not recovery. It's just words. Trying to re-establish the status quo and hoping you won't notice nothing has changed. He knows how hard it is for you to leave this relationship and he is counting on entrenching you further to make it even harder.
This is Manipulation 101.
Until he wants to get himself well WITH OR WITHOUT YOU it is not recovery. It's just words. Trying to re-establish the status quo and hoping you won't notice nothing has changed. He knows how hard it is for you to leave this relationship and he is counting on entrenching you further to make it even harder.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Also, most things in life worth doing are not easy.
Like, recovery. Like, leaving an abusive and unfulfilling relationship.
That is why we reach out to the supportive people around us. What feels like an unbearable burden to us is often light as feather for those who help us carry it.
Like, recovery. Like, leaving an abusive and unfulfilling relationship.
That is why we reach out to the supportive people around us. What feels like an unbearable burden to us is often light as feather for those who help us carry it.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
If he were really interested in making changes for the better, he would join a recovery program WITHOUT using it as a carrot to get you to recommit to the relationship.
This is Manipulation 101.
Until he wants to get himself well WITH OR WITHOUT YOU it is not recovery. It's just words. Trying to re-establish the status quo and hoping you won't notice nothing has changed. He knows how hard it is for you to leave this relationship and he is counting on entrenching you further to make it even harder.
This is Manipulation 101.
Until he wants to get himself well WITH OR WITHOUT YOU it is not recovery. It's just words. Trying to re-establish the status quo and hoping you won't notice nothing has changed. He knows how hard it is for you to leave this relationship and he is counting on entrenching you further to make it even harder.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Yes there is a way out and no, it won't be easy (for you). Look at all the research, reaching out to others, ordering therapy books for yourself that YOU are doing just in the last couple of days (for YOURself). And what is HE doing for HIMself? Manipulating. Pure manipulation. And THAT speaks volumes.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 151
I left my boyfriend last year right as I turned 32. I planned on marrying him and he was going to make all my dreams come true. I desperately wanted a family and it was crushing to leave him. It took me nearly a year to gain a part of myself back. Three close friends got engaged and two had babies within six months of my break up, and although im incredibly happy for them it was horrible to go through such a hard time while I felt I wasnt "on track" with where my life should be. It was hard to feel like I was starting over while everyone was starting their lives. I get the feeling of stigma, but the reality is the stigma is somewhat self imposed. No one is judging you. If anything you'll look the the strong woman who left a bad situation. There is no shame in being single. I know more strong, intelligent single woman than coupled women.
I grew up with two addicts. Although one was functionional, you do not live a real life while dealing with addiction. They continously take from you. Even if or when he manages real, self imposed sobriety he is going to be on such an emotional roller coaster you may not even feel the same about him. He will change A Lot. I just don't think it's worth it.
I grew up with two addicts. Although one was functionional, you do not live a real life while dealing with addiction. They continously take from you. Even if or when he manages real, self imposed sobriety he is going to be on such an emotional roller coaster you may not even feel the same about him. He will change A Lot. I just don't think it's worth it.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
In a nutshell, if you don't leave him you are setting yourself up for a life of hell. It's as simple as that.
He's not interested in getting sober,he's just interested in getting you back so he's resorted to manipulation 101.
There is no good end to this.
He's not interested in getting sober,he's just interested in getting you back so he's resorted to manipulation 101.
There is no good end to this.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: CA.....Hometown : Sioux Falls
Posts: 2,624
I married one...for 7 years. It was no picnic before we got married. We should have just stayed living together. It was worse after we married. He treated me like a car with a pink slip that he owned. Things got even worse and I thought kids would make a difference. We had 2 sons that I took care of along with him being a child. He beat on me and cheated. I divorced him when my boys were 3 and 4 and shortly after he burned to death in his own solo drunk driving accident. It was pure hell. A wrong decision can badly affect your whole life.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hope,
Why don't you try and turn it around on you. Tell him that so much has happened and you need 'time'. You need to get your act together and figure out what you need to do. Ask him to just give you space and when you figure it out, you will reach out to him. Tell him to please respect your wishes.
Then take that time and work your program. Figure out what you want to do. It will all fall in to place, don't force any solutions.
Sending hugs my friend, you are totally grasping detaching from a addict.
Why don't you try and turn it around on you. Tell him that so much has happened and you need 'time'. You need to get your act together and figure out what you need to do. Ask him to just give you space and when you figure it out, you will reach out to him. Tell him to please respect your wishes.
Then take that time and work your program. Figure out what you want to do. It will all fall in to place, don't force any solutions.
Sending hugs my friend, you are totally grasping detaching from a addict.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Originally Posted by HopingForCure
FeelingGreat, I noticed that you have been sober since 2012. Congratulations!!! You are such an inspiration.
Questions for those who have witnessed seizures. How did you cope with them? I feel traumatized as I still have nightmares about them. I don't think I can be in the same room as my ex unless I am 100% sure he is not going to have a withdrawal seizure.
Questions for those who have witnessed seizures. How did you cope with them? I feel traumatized as I still have nightmares about them. I don't think I can be in the same room as my ex unless I am 100% sure he is not going to have a withdrawal seizure.
Regarding seizures - they can be very medically dangerous and can cause permanent brain damage. Our beloved Dee (in the alcoholic's forum) shares freely that he suffered some brain damage from uncontrolled seizures and ALWAYS cautions against unsupervised detox for that reason. I would suggest you post about this in the Alcoholics forum, but as medical advice is not allowed, you might be better doing some research on reputable websites.
The only thing you can do at the time is (if possible) place your ABF in a recovery position so he doesn't choke, and call an ambulance. But I would talk very seriously to him about how he must not put you in this position again because it's not fair on you.
Please do find a counsellor so you can talk through the trauma; you will find it a great relief.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by maia1234
Hope,
Why don't you try and turn it around on you. Tell him that so much has happened and you need 'time'. You need to get your act together and figure out what you need to do. Ask him to just give you space and when you figure it out, you will reach out to him. Tell him to please respect your wishes.
Then take that time and work your program. Figure out what you want to do. It will all fall in to place, don't force any solutions.
Sending hugs my friend, you are totally grasping detaching from a addict.
Why don't you try and turn it around on you. Tell him that so much has happened and you need 'time'. You need to get your act together and figure out what you need to do. Ask him to just give you space and when you figure it out, you will reach out to him. Tell him to please respect your wishes.
Then take that time and work your program. Figure out what you want to do. It will all fall in to place, don't force any solutions.
Sending hugs my friend, you are totally grasping detaching from a addict.
Slowly but surely I will overcome this too. When there is no future, Its better to rip off the band aid and stop talking to him once and for all.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: New York
Posts: 105
Originally Posted by Ap052183
I left my boyfriend last year right as I turned 32. I planned on marrying him and he was going to make all my dreams come true. I desperately wanted a family and it was crushing to leave him. It took me nearly a year to gain a part of myself back. Three close friends got engaged and two had babies within six months of my break up, and although im incredibly happy for them it was horrible to go through such a hard time while I felt I wasnt "on track" with where my life should be. It was hard to feel like I was starting over while everyone was starting their lives. I get the feeling of stigma, but the reality is the stigma is somewhat self imposed. No one is judging you. If anything you'll look the the strong woman who left a bad situation. There is no shame in being single. I know more strong, intelligent single woman than coupled women.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I'm at a place where I would be pretty bummed out if an active alcoholic felt I was a desirable life partner and WANTED to marry me. It would mean that my recovery had seriously gone off the rails.
My ex and I were attracted to the sickness in one another. Honestly we both should have been insulted by the idea that we were soul mates or whatever. Of course at the time that idea seemed romantic and enchanting. Today I feel kind of embarrassed thinking back to how I was then.
I now take it as a compliment that he replaced me so quickly. It means that even in his deluded, alcohol-sodden state, he realized that I was not going to "relapse" back to the level of codependency that made me able to live in the constant chaos of dysfunction and unacceptable behavior that was our relationship.
This isn't something that has come quickly or easily to me. It's taken three years and twelve steps to get me here, and I'm grateful that our relationship led me to Alanon and my own personal recovery from a lifetime of dealing with other people's alcoholism, mental illness and dysfunction in general.
My ex and I were attracted to the sickness in one another. Honestly we both should have been insulted by the idea that we were soul mates or whatever. Of course at the time that idea seemed romantic and enchanting. Today I feel kind of embarrassed thinking back to how I was then.
I now take it as a compliment that he replaced me so quickly. It means that even in his deluded, alcohol-sodden state, he realized that I was not going to "relapse" back to the level of codependency that made me able to live in the constant chaos of dysfunction and unacceptable behavior that was our relationship.
This isn't something that has come quickly or easily to me. It's taken three years and twelve steps to get me here, and I'm grateful that our relationship led me to Alanon and my own personal recovery from a lifetime of dealing with other people's alcoholism, mental illness and dysfunction in general.
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