Oh no you guys, I picked up the rope.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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Oh no you guys, I picked up the rope.
For the first time in at least a month I engaged with AXBF in a way that has me feeling not so great about myself. Before I spill the beans just some background…
I remember throughout most of our relationship saying something along the lines of, “just say what you mean and mean what you say”. It was very difficult to get the truth out of him, if I could get it out of him at all…. all I wanted was for him to be HONEST with me because he rarely was. To him, honesty was what he told me… he didn’t think that leaving information out or NOT telling me something was considered lying. I think he did this so that in his mind he was truthful and I should have no reason not to trust him… at any rate…
He sent me a message (and I swear I am fine until I have to come into contact with him but once that happens all bets are off) and I replied with something completely off subject. I said… “congratulations”. Now why would I say that? Because I wanted to call him out for keeping his new relationship a secret.
It was made “FB official” on her end, but not on his, in fact he hid his relationship status which infuriated me, for HER. Ugh, what is wrong with me?? All I could think was that he was being dishonest.. AGAIN.. that it was because he was embarrassed to admit he was already in a new relationship because it would either expose him for who he really was, and/or he was embarrassed to admit who he was with (I only say this because multiple people have said he has “downgraded” and he would care a LOT about that…).
I then came outright and asked him why he was hiding it…
Of course he didn’t reply.
What the eff did I do
I remember throughout most of our relationship saying something along the lines of, “just say what you mean and mean what you say”. It was very difficult to get the truth out of him, if I could get it out of him at all…. all I wanted was for him to be HONEST with me because he rarely was. To him, honesty was what he told me… he didn’t think that leaving information out or NOT telling me something was considered lying. I think he did this so that in his mind he was truthful and I should have no reason not to trust him… at any rate…
He sent me a message (and I swear I am fine until I have to come into contact with him but once that happens all bets are off) and I replied with something completely off subject. I said… “congratulations”. Now why would I say that? Because I wanted to call him out for keeping his new relationship a secret.
It was made “FB official” on her end, but not on his, in fact he hid his relationship status which infuriated me, for HER. Ugh, what is wrong with me?? All I could think was that he was being dishonest.. AGAIN.. that it was because he was embarrassed to admit he was already in a new relationship because it would either expose him for who he really was, and/or he was embarrassed to admit who he was with (I only say this because multiple people have said he has “downgraded” and he would care a LOT about that…).
I then came outright and asked him why he was hiding it…
Of course he didn’t reply.
What the eff did I do
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Dear Expanding
I think you are beating yourself up too much. It Is only natural to wonder if someone we care(d) about has moved on to a new relationship. If we knew for sure, perhaps it could give us more closure.
Looking back, my mate had not officially ended the relationship he was in for 6-1/2 years before we started ours. His ex was not clear that he had moved on and was seeing me. How do I know this? My mate kept his ex's dog and went to see him while he was seriously ill in the hospital. After the ex recovered, he came to visit my mate for the weekend, and I was told to stay out of sight. We almost broke up over it. STUPID me, however, went back. I was so naïve!!!
On the other hand, I have known many ex's who remained good friends after moving on to new relationships. In all cases though, there was total honesty about what was going on.
Thanks for sharing.
I think you are beating yourself up too much. It Is only natural to wonder if someone we care(d) about has moved on to a new relationship. If we knew for sure, perhaps it could give us more closure.
Looking back, my mate had not officially ended the relationship he was in for 6-1/2 years before we started ours. His ex was not clear that he had moved on and was seeing me. How do I know this? My mate kept his ex's dog and went to see him while he was seriously ill in the hospital. After the ex recovered, he came to visit my mate for the weekend, and I was told to stay out of sight. We almost broke up over it. STUPID me, however, went back. I was so naïve!!!
On the other hand, I have known many ex's who remained good friends after moving on to new relationships. In all cases though, there was total honesty about what was going on.
Thanks for sharing.
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You messed up. Hey, you're human. Running interference in his life is an old, deeply engrained habit.
Time to quit doing that, yes?
" I swear I am fine until I have to come into contact with him."
There's your answer...and nothing about getting in contact with him this time was a "have to." His new relationship is, thankfully, not your problem and none of your business. Your friends need to butt out, too...
Turn your sweet face to the sun and move on. Better times are waiting.
Time to quit doing that, yes?
" I swear I am fine until I have to come into contact with him."
There's your answer...and nothing about getting in contact with him this time was a "have to." His new relationship is, thankfully, not your problem and none of your business. Your friends need to butt out, too...
Turn your sweet face to the sun and move on. Better times are waiting.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
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I am realizing that I have definitely attracted the type of people that would tell me these things!! There really is a lot of drama... and it's overt too... a comment here... a mention there... like little seeds being planted.
Contact was made regarding the joint asset... but I really, really didn't have to go there and wish I hadn't... it's like all I want is for our friends to validate and see what a scumbag he actually is... but since they are probably part of the PROBLEM I am just going to continue to go insane... it's the same dynamics I had with him!
Contact was made regarding the joint asset... but I really, really didn't have to go there and wish I hadn't... it's like all I want is for our friends to validate and see what a scumbag he actually is... but since they are probably part of the PROBLEM I am just going to continue to go insane... it's the same dynamics I had with him!
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Nobody has an obligation to share ANYTHING about his/her private life--on FB or anywhere else. The problem is that you are interpreting his failure to broadcast his new relationship on FB (or to tell you about it) as "lying". Frankly--not to be harsh--it's absolutely NONE of your business whether or whom he is dating.
You stepped into this one, yourself. I'd suggest staying OFF his FB page, as well as his girlfriend's or anyone else whose posts (or absence of posts) you find upsetting.
I don't "do" FB because I put a lot of bad people in jail, and I have no desire to let anyone see who my friends/family might be, where they live, or anything else. I've survived just fine without following everyone's every move.
You stepped into this one, yourself. I'd suggest staying OFF his FB page, as well as his girlfriend's or anyone else whose posts (or absence of posts) you find upsetting.
I don't "do" FB because I put a lot of bad people in jail, and I have no desire to let anyone see who my friends/family might be, where they live, or anything else. I've survived just fine without following everyone's every move.
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Join Date: Jun 2016
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Social media makes everything worse, doesn't it? It gives us that snippet of information to trigger all sorts of thoughts and feelings, without really knowing the truth behind the post or status.
Just like the old-fashioned way of deleting someone's number from your phone, maybe just remove him as a FB friend? Or at least hide his posts and all posts related to him?
Totally agree with Ariesagain - your'e human! Give yourself some forgiveness (it's so much easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves, right?!).
As Amy Poehler wisely says:
"Good for her! Not for me. That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again."
"When the demon starts to slither my way and say bad **** about me I turn around and say, 'Hey. Cool it. Amy is my friend. Don't talk about her like that.' Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works."
Stay strong, and move on
Just like the old-fashioned way of deleting someone's number from your phone, maybe just remove him as a FB friend? Or at least hide his posts and all posts related to him?
Totally agree with Ariesagain - your'e human! Give yourself some forgiveness (it's so much easier to forgive others than to forgive ourselves, right?!).
As Amy Poehler wisely says:
"Good for her! Not for me. That is the motto women should constantly repeat over and over again."
"When the demon starts to slither my way and say bad **** about me I turn around and say, 'Hey. Cool it. Amy is my friend. Don't talk about her like that.' Sticking up for ourselves in the same way we would one of our friends is a hard but satisfying thing to do. Sometimes it works."
Stay strong, and move on
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What you did was clue him in that you care, and you do. This is certainly not about feeling bad for the new girlfriend. Are you trying to tell us that you feel bad for HER that HE is not updating his FB status? Good grief.
Broken up is broken up. Girlfriends and wives have the right to inquire about their partners' actions - ex girlfriends don't.
Whether or not your mutual friends see him as a scumbag is not important. You just need to decide for yourself if you want to involve yourself with people who are involved with him. Yes? No? Sounds like a lot of gossip and drama.
Broken up is broken up. Girlfriends and wives have the right to inquire about their partners' actions - ex girlfriends don't.
Whether or not your mutual friends see him as a scumbag is not important. You just need to decide for yourself if you want to involve yourself with people who are involved with him. Yes? No? Sounds like a lot of gossip and drama.
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Originally Posted by redatlanta 
What you did was clue him in that you care, and you do. This is certainly not about feeling bad for the new girlfriend. Are you trying to tell us that you feel bad for HER that HE is not updating his FB status? Good grief.
Getting back on the detachment wagon starting now...
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i think you are reading WAY too much into posts on social media. and way too much in every move you think he is making and what his motives are. we call it letting them rent space in our heads.
you two are broke up. ended, kaput. which means you are both now entitled to proceed with your own lives any way you each see fit. that's what break ups mean.....your paths now go on their own course, SEPARATE.
interesting isn't it, that you are even going so far as to feel bad for the new HER????
time to roll it all back. go no contact. let him be. so you can be free.
you two are broke up. ended, kaput. which means you are both now entitled to proceed with your own lives any way you each see fit. that's what break ups mean.....your paths now go on their own course, SEPARATE.
interesting isn't it, that you are even going so far as to feel bad for the new HER????
time to roll it all back. go no contact. let him be. so you can be free.
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Oh, I forgot to mention, now that he knows you still care what he does, you might prepare yourself for his attempt to return to you once things go south with the new one...and he may not wait for that. Mine liked to have Plan B available at all times.
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I certainly still care what he does. I hope he doesn't do to others what he did to me. We always seemed to misunderstand each other so I wouldn't be surprised if he believes I am still pining for him. If anything I miss the guy I thought he was but he is starting to fade away
Seeing how a mere text from him sends me into a downward spiral is more proof that his presence is toxic to me and that I am better off
I will always wish that it didn't have to get so bad but if it didn't who knows where I would be
Seeing how a mere text from him sends me into a downward spiral is more proof that his presence is toxic to me and that I am better off
I will always wish that it didn't have to get so bad but if it didn't who knows where I would be
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
interesting isn't it, that you are even going so far as to feel bad for the new HER????
And yup, we still own the home together so no contact is not possible right now. His parents are planning on buying us out and it's taking so much longer than I thought it would.
Once I am out of here I expect to make leaps and bounds in my recovery
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