Poppet35

Well I'm back where I always am in my relationship - miserable.

We are lucky that my exh has the kids stay at his every other weekend. This weekend gone was one of those and because of half term was a touch longer. I had to work Friday am but had booked Friday pm off.

We didn't end up planning much - OH suggested a few things but I wasn't overly keen and didn't take up the suggestions, we talked about planning for the future - decorating, getting a woodburner, which was lovely, did a bit of shopping etc.

To cut a long story short - we had a very lazy, peaceful, relaxing weekend. OH got to watch the semis and finals in the French open, I managed to get a sewing project well underway. We were going to take a bbq to the beach but Oh said let's stay at home instead. We bought the new star wars dvd to watch as she wanted to watch it. She commented how much she had enjoyed being able to watch so much sport.

We sat and had our bbq and had a good laugh and giggle. The first in ages. Granted the weekend was run of the mill, and quiet, but I had thought it was good spending time together even if it was at home.

Thu/Fri/Sat pm I went to bed alone (and rather late for me) OH over the 3 days drank a lot and on Sat night came to bed at 4am. I knew then that Sunday would not bring me any joy. On cue, Sunday turned into the typical day of being wasted as she woke in a filthy mood, and told me how crap the whole weekend had been, how little effort I had put in, how she had put in absolutely everything she had and I just took and didn't give, how we had this one weekend and we had wasted it, how I hadn't contributed anything to fixing the relationship.

I am so confused. On one hand she says how much she enjoyed being able to watch the sport, says how happy she was to see me happily sewing and talking about a sewing room for me, talking about plans for decoration then on the other saying but I didn't do anything to contribute to mending the relationship, how I was apathetic when I know she feels like the relationship is unfixable.

She made out that despite feeling unwell she put everything into this weekend and I put nothing. Yes she suggested things, but then was perfectly happy to do nothing all day and stay indoors on a glorious day watching sport.

So the lost weekend is all my fault because I didn't contribute to the relationship. It seems to mean nothing when I say how very much I enjoyed simply spending time together and laughing together.

Last night she asked me if I could accept the truth now "that the relationship is over" She seems to not like it when I say I can't accept its over, yet last night when I finally, begrudgingly said "Ok" that was wrong too.

Don't know where I'm going with this. I know I have my responsibility to make things better, but it's so screwy when you think your Oh is enjoying time with you and then it turns out she wasn't.

She said it takes so much effort from her to fix stuff because she's convinced we're unfixable. It always seems to be me that needs to do the changing. She blames me and the relationship for the amount she drinks "I have to drink this much to be able to sleep in the same bed as you".

I wish I could have this weekend over, I wouldn't have let my guard down, I wouldn't have relaxed. I nurtured and cared for her this weekend because she was unwell her response "well you always take care of me when its something you can see, but when it's in my head you don't care". Nothing I do, no little thing gets appreciated, she focuses on this intangible thing she wants from me.

I didn't give much thought to this weekend I admit that and I should have but now all she wants to talk about is ending it. Horrible thing is, it feels like she wants to keep discussing the relationship even if we do end it - there's no point in my book.

Nothing is going to get done that needs doing now, that are the areas she generally takes responsibility for. The lawn is going to be thigh high soon...

I want to fix my relationship but I think I'm really bad at doing that, I dont' think I have any idea how. I'm so messed up and my head is so full of yuck about her that I can't put her first. I just make things worse. I never get it right.

I don't want the ending of my relationship to be all my fault, but I'm beginning to believe I am the cause of this mess.

FeelingGreat

Poppet, she seems more aggressive than you and to dominate the discussion. Just because she says something is so, doesn't make it that way.

Are you seeing a counsellor, someone independent you can run your ideas past? I think you need this because at the moment you have all these ideas running round your head, but no outlet. Someone neutral to talk to would be a great relief.

BTW when an alcoholic says they drink because of you, or their job, or any other reason, it's BS. They drink because they're alcoholics, and will continue to drink unless they seek recovery. Don't take on any blame for that aspect of your AGF.

Have you thought about ending the relationship yourself? You may love her, but this is putting you, and no doubt the children under a lot of strain, and while your AGF is still drinking there probably won't be an improvement.

Ariesagain

"I don't want the ending of my relationship to be all my fault, but I'm beginning to believe I am the cause of this mess."

You're not. NOT. And also, it's not your fault.

You could cure cancer, walk on water, and turn straw into gold and she would say you haven't done enough for her. She is, at her core, a very unhappy person and drinking keeps her stuck there. She also seems to have a sadistic streak and enjoys jerking the rug out from under you and watching you jump.

You can't fix it (and why is it all on you, anyway?) and you can't fix her. She says it's over? Good. Please, please let it end at last and get on with your one and only life.

Sending you a hug.

Hawkeye13

Had enough yet?

It won't get better, just worse as long as she's using.

I'm sorry Poppet, but it truly isn't you at all . . .

Poppet35

Yes I have. I love her. We've been together 8 years. But things have been beset with troubles for about 5. I could lose my home, have to move my kids again. I can't afford to rent or buy where I live. Sometimes I look at her and feel such hate but I also hold onto all the good stuff we did have.
I'm afraid. Part of me also wants to fix this so I can enjoy the potential she has. Someone else will get all that.

LexieCat

You can't build a future on someone's "potential"--especially when they are determined to waste that potential. For all you know, she may NEVER get sober. Or she might get sober and still be a miserable human being. And if she does get sober and blossom, and you've moved on, you've still saved yourself a lot of heartache. I was glad I left my second husband before I hated him--if I'd stayed that probably would have happened eventually.

You haven't caused her to drink, and nothing you do is going to make her stop. She is on her own timeline, and it has zero to do with you. It does sound, though, like your unrealistic expectations that you can somehow fix this are making YOU miserable.

Al-Anon, or a counselor/therapist, would probably do you a world of good.

hopeful4

Think of it this way. Someone else will also get all the BS you are putting up with now.

As someone else said, had enough yet?

No matter what you do, she is not going to change her mind set.

Hugs.

Ariesagain

You know, human beings aren't a DIY fixer-upper...unless they desperately want to be and will do the work themselves. No amount of spackle, paint, or your sweat is going to change anything about her situation and since she's been this way for five years...do you really in your heart believe there is still "potential"?

You've been living with this for a very long time. If you really can't leave, maybe you choose to let go of trying to fix anything and just try to learn to tune her out and be distant roommates?

I send you sympathy.

PuzzledHeart

Poppet, your post brought me back to the days when I was a child, and I was being abused by my nanny. There were days where she would be extremely kind to me, and I would love her then, then something would snap and she would turn into a taunting, bitter witch. I remember the coldness, and that hurt even more than the physical abuse.

At first, like you, I thought if I was good enough, then it wouldn't happen to me anymore. And then I realized there was no rhyme or reason to her behavior, and that scared me even more. The only guarantee that she would stop would be when my parents arrived home.

When will you tap into YOUR potential? When do you come into play? What is SHE actively doing to make you feel loved and secure?

You said it yourself...

When I read that, I just wanted to cry. It sounds like she doesn't enjoy your potential, she doesn't treasure the love and the grace that reside within your heart.

I am so sorry.

AnvilheadII

poppet - its time to accept that SHE is not a healthy partner for you. she is demanding, drunk, self centered, and NOTHING you ever do will be good enough for her. she enjoys seeing you squirm, seeing you try so very hard to be the good girl, to soothe her, compliment her, submit to her. and then when you've done all that, she gets off on lambasting you for not doing enough.

the term for people like her is EMOTIONAL VAMPIRES. and she will suck every last ounce of life force out of you until there is nothing left.

you have children, give THEM all the energy and time you waste on HER. they NEED you. she'll just find another victim. this is not a relationship.....you are inlove with what you think she COULD be if she would only <<fill in the blank>>. that's called magical thinking. you are not accepting what IS, but banking on the hopes of what COULD be some day........

we live in the now. your children need you. you need you.

Thomas45

This echoes the same thing an alcoholic could say with regard to their relationship to alcohol. Just swap out a few key terms and everything applies.

"I could lose my home, have to move my kids again. I can't afford to rent or buy where I live. Sometimes I look at alcohol and feel such hate but I also hold onto all the good times I did have when drinking.
I'm afraid. Part of me also wants to fix this so I can enjoy drinking like a normal person. Someone else will get all that."

The litmus test for alcoholism is "continued use despite experiencing negative consequences." Would you say that this statement also applies to the dynamic between you and your partner?

bluelily

Poppet,
Try to see it from the outside, what would you two look like? Would you see two civilized, kind, loving individuals with some minor problems that need some adjustment? Or would you see a cruel cat and mouse dance?

It really seems like she enjoys to see you regain confidence, open up again full of hope and then bam! she kicks you with her paw against the wall.
And then, poor mouse becomes so confused she thinks it´s her fault so she tries her best to "understand" the cat, to do everything possible so it will live up to its "potential", and she really does not want to give up because what if the cat chooses another mouse instead of her?
So yes, after she´s been tortured she remains loyal to the cat.

Only that´s not really how mice behave, right? They will run run run as soon as they can. They know the cat is dangerous and will eventually devour them.

Liveitwell

^ oh my word, that is accurate. I was the stupid little mouse for years.
My ex was totally self absorbed abd would offer such huge supprt for anything I did well and then like clockwork, shorty thereafter, rage and kick my legs out from under me and just pounce on anything good I had done. Just a story-I recalled when reading your post how my ex was so proud of me when I joined the church and got back to my faith-my roots-Jesus. I had hit my bottom and needed to climb out, of my life. As expected, shortly therafter my then husband got drunk and raged at me one night-screaming at me shouting "how the f**k do you think that makes ME look? You joined the church without your husband. How do I look?!". It then became my fault that I had joined the church without him bc in his mind it made him look bad. Hmmm, yes buddy, all about you-self centered jerk. After my job really started taking off we went to his moms house for dinner one night-he boldly tells everyone there that I had gotten a promotion and he was proud of me. Litte did they know (or care) that very soon after he got drunk and berated me bc I didn't work as hard as he did, didn't have the stress that he did, my job wasn't as important, I didn't make enough money, etc, etc.

Everything was my fault....job not going well? Somehow it's my fault bc I'm not making things easy for him at home-you know, like being his mommy. People seeing him negatively bc I was out living my life and starting to open up about the abuse at hime? That was my fault too bc how dare people not buy into his happy go lucky life of the party good guy charade. And still....I stayed. I was the stupid little mouse.

Poppet-yikes. Really, yikes. This will only get worse as long as YOU let it. Take back your power-your God given power and respect and love yourself and your kids! You all desparately need it.

Many hugs.

maia1234

P,
Glad you are back, we are here to help you and support you, but hon, she is an alcoholic. You are expecting a normal life with an alcoholic. It will NEVER happen. You will never have the happily ever after till she gets sober. She is no where near getting sober.

You are trying to learn how to live with her and not engage. But it really hurts, what she does really hurts you and your kids. I understand that it will be very difficult on your own and you love her. We all love our addicts, but as we have said before you can not love addiction away. Its her gig and you have no control over it.

Please consider your children's lives, it truly is no fun growing up in a alcoholic home with fighting parents. Sending hugs and stick with us Poppet, WE CARE!!!