Recently Sober AW Leaving me for AA Sponsor
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OK, just because I want to keep things perfectly clear, AA does not "assign" sponsors. Becoming someone's sponsor is a choice between the two people involved. Someone can offer to be someone else's sponsor, but most often it's the person being sponsored who asks. Either side can step aside at any time. It's usually recommended that people have a sponsor of the opposite sex (it might be different if one/both are gay/lesbian), but there are no "rules" about it. And even the thing about no relationships for the first year is simply good advice, not a "rule" (or even an official AA "guideline"). The only real "guidelines" in AA are the Steps and the 12 Traditions, and they are only general guidelines and say nothing about sponsors at all, much less relationships.
This is mostly to set the record straight so other people don't misunderstand what AA is and how it works. There is no "authority" that tells people how to behave, other than their Higher Power.
This is mostly to set the record straight so other people don't misunderstand what AA is and how it works. There is no "authority" that tells people how to behave, other than their Higher Power.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
It's usually recommended that people have a sponsor of the opposite sex (it might be different if one/both are gay/lesbian), but there are no "rules" about it.
Just wanted to be sure this was clear in a thread w/a ton of misconceptions about AA going on....
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 2,308
Thanks for clarifying honeypig. Agreed, in my short time in AA I've never heard of a male/female sponsorship and in all related conversations I've heard this is not recommended. Doesn't mean people won't do it anyway, but I'm guessing your wife's experience is the main reason why it's frowned upon.
I share a lot of private things with my sponsor and if there is sexual attraction there I could see how the relationship could be mistaken for romantic love and easily be acted upon. Especially when one or both parties has few boundaries and is worn down by years of addiction.
Sorry for your pain Rocky, but your anger should not be directed at AA, it's not AA that is the problem here.....I hope you can find a way out of this mess! Hugs.
I share a lot of private things with my sponsor and if there is sexual attraction there I could see how the relationship could be mistaken for romantic love and easily be acted upon. Especially when one or both parties has few boundaries and is worn down by years of addiction.
Sorry for your pain Rocky, but your anger should not be directed at AA, it's not AA that is the problem here.....I hope you can find a way out of this mess! Hugs.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Some people go into AA to work the steps, find a sponsor, and to get and stay sober. That's the correct use of AA.
Unfortunately, some people meet up at AA who drink together right before or right after, they have inappropriate relationships, and all sorts of other things that do not even pertain to AA. Here at my job, someone is doing something inappropriate. I don't think it has anything to do with this company or with the position itself. It's the person and the choice they are making.
Just pointing that out as AA has helped many, many people and I hate to see a good program blamed for an individual's bad choices or behaviors that they choose.
I have been there. I blamed alcohol, other people, environment, all sorts of things before I opened my eyes and realized that there is one common denominator among all of these things, my X, his choices, his behaviors.
It took a long time, so I do understand, truly.
Unfortunately, some people meet up at AA who drink together right before or right after, they have inappropriate relationships, and all sorts of other things that do not even pertain to AA. Here at my job, someone is doing something inappropriate. I don't think it has anything to do with this company or with the position itself. It's the person and the choice they are making.
Just pointing that out as AA has helped many, many people and I hate to see a good program blamed for an individual's bad choices or behaviors that they choose.
I have been there. I blamed alcohol, other people, environment, all sorts of things before I opened my eyes and realized that there is one common denominator among all of these things, my X, his choices, his behaviors.
It took a long time, so I do understand, truly.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I think a lot of wonderful wisdom has been shared here. The bottom line is that the blame for your AW's bad behavior rests squarely on her shoulders. Lord knows I spent years trying to find the "reason" for my AH's bad behavior. I finally accepted that the "reason" didn't matter. What mattered was that he treated me like crap, I deserved better, and that in order to live a happy life I needed to keep my focus on myself (rather than on controlling or punishing others) and let go of as much of my resentment as I could.
And a tiny note on suing your AW's new guy...it appears you are located in Washington state. The internet (which of course is NEVER wrong) tells me that Washington has abolished alienation of affection lawsuits. The emotional advisability of such a lawsuit notwithstanding (meaning, I think that filing a lawsuit like that would do nothing more than prolong your emotional pain about all of this), it doesn't look like there is even a cause of action in your jurisdiction.
Believe me, I understand the desire to "make" people see the devastation they bring about through their bad behavior. Right before I found this place many years ago, I was plotting in my head how to make sure my AH and all his drinking buddies got pulled over for DUIs. And my motivation for that was just as much about punishing my AH and his enablers (who, at the time, I blamed for most of our problems) as it was about keeping other drivers safe.
I'm glad you are seeking legal advice, and that you are taking steps to protect yourself.
And a tiny note on suing your AW's new guy...it appears you are located in Washington state. The internet (which of course is NEVER wrong) tells me that Washington has abolished alienation of affection lawsuits. The emotional advisability of such a lawsuit notwithstanding (meaning, I think that filing a lawsuit like that would do nothing more than prolong your emotional pain about all of this), it doesn't look like there is even a cause of action in your jurisdiction.
Believe me, I understand the desire to "make" people see the devastation they bring about through their bad behavior. Right before I found this place many years ago, I was plotting in my head how to make sure my AH and all his drinking buddies got pulled over for DUIs. And my motivation for that was just as much about punishing my AH and his enablers (who, at the time, I blamed for most of our problems) as it was about keeping other drivers safe.
I'm glad you are seeking legal advice, and that you are taking steps to protect yourself.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
LOL, right, thanks for fixing that!!
Clearly I am trying to do too many things at once on the home front and I shouldn't try to multitask. Sponsors/sponsees are recommended to be of the SAME sex (with possible exception of LGBTQ members).
Sheesh. I'm glad somebody here is awake.
Clearly I am trying to do too many things at once on the home front and I shouldn't try to multitask. Sponsors/sponsees are recommended to be of the SAME sex (with possible exception of LGBTQ members).
Sheesh. I'm glad somebody here is awake.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Lexie.....lol...... I don't think that it was the worst gaff, here on the forum.....
I think that the "porch panties"---(porch pansies) was the most memorable one.....lol....!
***If anyone wants an explanation of this,I can supply that upon request...
dandylion
I think that the "porch panties"---(porch pansies) was the most memorable one.....lol....!
***If anyone wants an explanation of this,I can supply that upon request...
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sometimes the worst situations can be blessings in disguise.
I think the main thing for you to try and focus on is that it's not you, it's not anything you did or said or could have said or did.............this is really all about alcoholism and an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do.
Its very hard not to take things personally and not to feel rejected but somewhere down the road in time you will come to be thankful that the marriage ended and that your life can be lived again to the fullest.
I think the main thing for you to try and focus on is that it's not you, it's not anything you did or said or could have said or did.............this is really all about alcoholism and an alcoholic doing what alcoholics do.
Its very hard not to take things personally and not to feel rejected but somewhere down the road in time you will come to be thankful that the marriage ended and that your life can be lived again to the fullest.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
Wow! So sorry for what you are going through.
Originally Posted by Rockyballbuster 
Yep, you read it right. Been with her 13 yrs, married 11 yrs this July. She binged last Nov/Dec again. I didn't understand the disease at this point and lost it, and threatened divorce and she reluctantly went into intense outpatient ttmt. I went in for friends and family sessions, supported her best I could while working. Within 5 mos. of being sober and she's sleeping with her male "temporary sponsor". Not even concerned that she was groomed and taken advantage of. Nobody at AA apparently is concerned either. I talked with her female sponsor, and she places no accountability on AAs part, and recommended counseling (!). The guy is a biker, has no job, no education, is collecting SSI for a disability, and is 15 yrs older than her. He convinced her to buy a Harley. She's a Physician's Assist, I'm a professional engineer, and I put her through school. Now after being there for her, and pushing her into recovery, my repayment will be that she'll get half my retirement/401K, and the house, which her unemployed AA sponsor BF will undoubtedly share with her in my absence. The neighbors are going to love seeing this tatted up predator cutting the lawn and a seeing a bunch of HDs parked in the front yard. I made a huge mistake in choosing this woman and am pursuing a divorce this week. I thought she'd get sober and thank me. Instead I'm the cause of all her problems. She was an AH with a .21 DUI before I met her, but I'm the problem. Life is funny some times, but I'm not laughing! Thanks for allowing me to vent. I was "sharing" I suppose.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,003
Hey Rocky, I don't know if anyone has mentioned this yet so I will. It is very likely that your AW's relationship will crumble sooner rather than later and she will contact you. A's need enablers and so go from relationship to relationship. Consequently, you might prepare yourself for this possibility.
I'm glad to hear you are looking into Alanon and counseling and hope you find lots of good resources and support.
Hang tough. It will get easier but these early days are excrutiating!
I'm glad to hear you are looking into Alanon and counseling and hope you find lots of good resources and support.
Hang tough. It will get easier but these early days are excrutiating!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 144
The entire A.Aorg is not against you, only the few members that your AW has lied to about you.
Her tattooed, Harley Davidson driver is going to be a much bigger stressor to her at some point and probably quite soon than you could have EVER hoped to be.
Take care of yourself.
Her tattooed, Harley Davidson driver is going to be a much bigger stressor to her at some point and probably quite soon than you could have EVER hoped to be.
Take care of yourself.
Originally Posted by Rockyballbuster
Thanks to everyone for replying, I'm getting emotional over here reading your support messages. To one who PMed me, you know who you are... I can't PM back until I have 5 posts. To answer your Q though, she wasn't a PA until 10 yrs after her DUI so the board has no idea of her addication. She was reluctant to go to ttmt for years because she thought of the implications to her work. Although she has not had a DUI since becoming a pro, she did total the car last summer and drive it from the scene, home. She can't remember where she was or what she hit, but is "positive" it was not a person or car. She was never caught and nobody reported any damage. I was away working across the country. I returned, and she lied, making up some b.s. excuse... but I knew deep down. No accident report was filed, but insurance paid. I couldn't believe that one. Anyway, she fessed up recently that she was hammered, having gone to a bar after golf. She was petrified all night that the cops would knock on the door. She went to work the next day, waking and hoping it was a dream. She said she lied because she thought I would turn her in. No, I wouldn't have, because my sick goal was to protect her, like a parent would a child. Today I met with my lawyer and put the retainer fee down to begin the process. I am still in love with this woman, and still want to fix it... but I know that I can't. I've tears streaming down my face thinking of life without her. I also became emotional after reading the messages of support. Thank you, it means so much to me to know that there are others that are on my side, when it seems the entire AA org is against me because I was her "stressor".
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
there IS no AA.org......AA has a set of traditions that guide the groups, but there is no organized body that governs. nor does anything you have shared here have anything to DO with AA, only the people who attend the meetings. and that is a vast wide variety of sick people....most who want to get well, some of which do not.
the issue sits squarely upon your wife's shoulders. and that of harley dude. however enough time has passed that she "should" have come to her senses, if that was her intent. but this happened after 5 months of sobriety. you also state she had alcohol issues before you met. what you are seeing, so painfully, is the progression of the disease, and the true nature of this woman. it always shows itself, eventually.
i'd suggest no longer texting the sponsor, or anyone else involved in this. accept what IS, as hard as that is. this is the path she wants? well go get it sugar pants. it is time to protect yourself. i don't believe she is automatically entitled to half this or half that. make sure you have your legal ducks in a row, and take proactive measures.
the issue sits squarely upon your wife's shoulders. and that of harley dude. however enough time has passed that she "should" have come to her senses, if that was her intent. but this happened after 5 months of sobriety. you also state she had alcohol issues before you met. what you are seeing, so painfully, is the progression of the disease, and the true nature of this woman. it always shows itself, eventually.
i'd suggest no longer texting the sponsor, or anyone else involved in this. accept what IS, as hard as that is. this is the path she wants? well go get it sugar pants. it is time to protect yourself. i don't believe she is automatically entitled to half this or half that. make sure you have your legal ducks in a row, and take proactive measures.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Mmmmmm
Posts: 3,178
Rocky,
Welcome to SR. Your partner has turned out to be not so loyal. She cheated on you with alcohol and then some guy. Sever ties as quickly as you can. It's not worth the drama watching her indulge her bad boy issues. I imagine she will unleash some sort of push-pull scenario to try to keep you involved. Be ready.
I'd personally see a counselor to work through your divorce. A professional with a license and proven capabilities AND HIPAA legal privacy. Personally I live in a metro area that is much too small when it comes to recovery.
Make decisions that lead to your peace of mind. Letting go is painful. I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.
Welcome to SR. Your partner has turned out to be not so loyal. She cheated on you with alcohol and then some guy. Sever ties as quickly as you can. It's not worth the drama watching her indulge her bad boy issues. I imagine she will unleash some sort of push-pull scenario to try to keep you involved. Be ready.
I'd personally see a counselor to work through your divorce. A professional with a license and proven capabilities AND HIPAA legal privacy. Personally I live in a metro area that is much too small when it comes to recovery.
Make decisions that lead to your peace of mind. Letting go is painful. I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,872
I agree with everything said so far. She's just a jerk. She's shown you who she TRULY is-A's have a way of wearing a mask but eventually it starts falling apart....she's going down the rabbit hole-and she has every right to. You however have every right to wave goodbye, maybe buy her a helmet for rides with Harley dude (I mean, a girls gotta be safe , eh ?!) and run away.
Sorry for this situation. Life is not fair but life shows you what you need to know, regardless of how much it sucks or hurts. Glad you are here-keep coming back.
Sorry for this situation. Life is not fair but life shows you what you need to know, regardless of how much it sucks or hurts. Glad you are here-keep coming back.
The Long and Winding Road....
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Brisbane QLD
Posts: 897
Hi there
I'm really sorry to hear of your troubles with your wife
Sadly this behaviour is very sick on both her and biker dudes part
The advice to secure your own position legally is good sounds to me that you've supported her for years in spite of her alcoholism she is fortunate to have had that
However it seems she is long overdue to be held accountable for her behaviour
And you deserve to be free of the drama and move on with your life
Do what you need to jettison the garbage from your life and fly high my man
Peace
V
I'm really sorry to hear of your troubles with your wife
Sadly this behaviour is very sick on both her and biker dudes part
The advice to secure your own position legally is good sounds to me that you've supported her for years in spite of her alcoholism she is fortunate to have had that
However it seems she is long overdue to be held accountable for her behaviour
And you deserve to be free of the drama and move on with your life
Do what you need to jettison the garbage from your life and fly high my man
Peace
V
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
When put together a large group of broken people people broken things happen. Beyond any doubt the finest people I have ever had the privilege of knowing are in AA. I have also heard of behavior that will make you skin crawl. At the end of the day we are responsible for our own behavior and the consequences it brings
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
Hi Rocky,
Love your puppy pic!
My cases like this I often quote Mike Tyson who once said "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth"... or I have been known to say "be careful what you wish for because sometimes you get what you want!
I know because I along with most of our dear forum friends have been in similar situations with the same devastating pain our A's have brought with their selfish actions.
Forcing a drunk to get sober usually results in a resentful dry drunk who is not in authentic recovery but going through the motions of sobriety. Another thing we find to be true about A's that time is our friend and more will be revealed. You are seeing your A's character and integrity and trust revealed to you saving you from what may have been many more years on the Alcoholic crazy train.
AA is a program of recovery that is centered around a sponsor taking the A through the steps and this only works if the A is serious about long term change and is willing to the intense work on themselves. Clearly your A's focus is not on recovery or steps but has other plans for her future... she is showing you who she is so believe her!
Hit the eject button as quick as you can and I join the chorus of folks suggesting a good counselor (keep looking until you find him or her) and find an alanon group you click with. Grab some books (great recommendations in the stickies) and keep coming back here to vent and share.
You deserve better and you have to let go of this woman... without trust there is no real relationship worth saving.
Someday you will be glad you found out now and didn't stay hooked in for decades of more insanity and pain. It does get better and you can be happy, joyous and free.
Love your puppy pic!
My cases like this I often quote Mike Tyson who once said "everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth"... or I have been known to say "be careful what you wish for because sometimes you get what you want!
I know because I along with most of our dear forum friends have been in similar situations with the same devastating pain our A's have brought with their selfish actions.
Forcing a drunk to get sober usually results in a resentful dry drunk who is not in authentic recovery but going through the motions of sobriety. Another thing we find to be true about A's that time is our friend and more will be revealed. You are seeing your A's character and integrity and trust revealed to you saving you from what may have been many more years on the Alcoholic crazy train.
AA is a program of recovery that is centered around a sponsor taking the A through the steps and this only works if the A is serious about long term change and is willing to the intense work on themselves. Clearly your A's focus is not on recovery or steps but has other plans for her future... she is showing you who she is so believe her!
Hit the eject button as quick as you can and I join the chorus of folks suggesting a good counselor (keep looking until you find him or her) and find an alanon group you click with. Grab some books (great recommendations in the stickies) and keep coming back here to vent and share.
You deserve better and you have to let go of this woman... without trust there is no real relationship worth saving.
Someday you will be glad you found out now and didn't stay hooked in for decades of more insanity and pain. It does get better and you can be happy, joyous and free.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 16
Checking in again. Thanks for the great words of encouragement and suggestions. I went to dinner w/her tonight. She's sporting a fresh nose piercing, 3 studs in the top of each ear, and massive tattoo on her side (she showed me a pic). Apparently, this is the real her that I've been suppressing. She felt like I was trying to make her into a "Stepford Wife" and that wasn't her. We had talked about tats before this meltdown, agreeing that young people today get them to be like everyone else, but yrs ago, sailors, bikers, and convicts got them to be different. Now she's claiming she told me that she wanted a tat for years, but I ignored her when she told me... never happened --toxic brains on these A's. She also has little remorse for the affair, blaming me for neglecting her and viewing porn. Hard to have sex with a woman who's passed out when you get home from work, twice on anniversaries (true)! Even if it's a sober day, you've lost all respect and desire. Plus, she had saddlebags of cellulite hanging off each side of her arse from laying around and sucking on bottles of wine and vodka all day... and claimed I hurt her ego by looking at her in a "dissapointed way" when she undressed. Apparently, she's very sensitive to any criticism... going back to her childhood. (!)
AND here's the kicker. She's eluding to us staying together... if I make some changes.
LAUGHING MY ARSE OFF !!!
The retainer is down with the attorney. Adios on this one. She can have half my chit, cuz I am done with the chaos and refuse to waste the rest of my life with this self-centered alkie. That is, I'm getting off this elevator to -hell- at the next stop!
AND here's the kicker. She's eluding to us staying together... if I make some changes.
LAUGHING MY ARSE OFF !!!
The retainer is down with the attorney. Adios on this one. She can have half my chit, cuz I am done with the chaos and refuse to waste the rest of my life with this self-centered alkie. That is, I'm getting off this elevator to -hell- at the next stop!
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