FutureTrip

I'm not sure if I have a question, just need to get my current thoughts out there. Any advice or support is appreciated.

So I just got back from my work trip. My husband's mom arrived on Monday so that my almost 2 year old daughter had a responsible adult in the house. Monday night AH came home from his weekly AA meeting. I could tell he had had a beer. His mom asked him if he drank and to my complete shock he admitted it. That's a first. I left Tuesday and got back home late Friday night. AH stayed up to help me with my bags and I could tell he'd been drinking. His mom, who is beyond naive in this whole matter, tells me she doesn't think he drank the whole time I was gone. Uh huh.

So last night I ask him to do the breathalyzer. He says he hasn't drank and doesn't want to anymore. He actually blows .00 . Then he spends all night outside working on projects and he comes in and I ask him to blow again. He is still sober, much to my surprise. And now he's mad at me. Mad that I'm so "angry and negative". And I should have just congratulated him on being sober...for one day.

I am mad. I'm mad that he has caused so much upheaval, that I can't trust him with our daughter, that he thinks what he's doing is good enough, that he has the nerve to call out my attitude as a "problem" even though I have every right to be upset, that he thinks I should have endless support for his half ass attempt at sobriety.

I want out. But then I keep questioning it. The fact of the matter is I don't really believe he is ready or able to get sober, at least not right now. Even if he makes it a month or three...I just don't believe that he won't keep relapsing. And I feel awful for feeling that way. It's not what a spouse should think of their partner. Even though he's let me down time and time again, I hate feeling like I'm letting him down.

But I don't want to look back and think I should have left years ago. So when do I cut my losses? Now? After some success but then another relapse? The fact is that he has cut his drinking way back, he isn't getting wasted. But he's still lying about or hiding the drinking he does do. And the last 4 times I have left my daughter in his care over the last 1.5 months, he has drank. It might have been 1 beer, but it's not acceptable to me. So he can no longer watch her on his own.

I'm seeing a therapist this week and am considering talking to a lawyer about separation options. But I can't help feeling like I'm supposed to be doing something different, that I should stick it out longer.

LexieCat

Separation might give you the space you need to make the decisions you need to make. You shouldn't be the "booze police"--breathalyzing him to see if he's lying to you isn't good for either one of you. About the only time I think breathalyzing makes sense is if it's part of a parenting plan--in writing and enforced by the court.

I'd definitely see a lawyer to find out your options. It doesn't commit you to anything till you've made a decision, and if legal separation is an option, that is worth considering, IMO.

There's no way to predict when an alcoholic will finally get sober for good. You could stay in this holding pattern for months/years or it could happen tomorrow. It might never happen. Uncertainty is part of this whole deal, and it's very frustrating not to know what will happen.

Are you going to Al-Anon? That can be very helpful, too--especially in terms of keeping the focus on your side of the street.

FeelingGreat

If your AH came home from AA with beer breath, then he's not in recovery. He can't be. An AA meeting inspired him to have a beer!? You can at least base your decisions on that fact. He's moderating as far as you know, but then you don't know how much he drank when his mother was in bed.

It sounds like you've already checked out because of the breach of trust. Just be aware that you'll still have the problem of trusting him if you do separate, because he'll probably have access to your daughter as part of a parenting plan.

Just a thought, but have you considered marriage counselling, not to repair your marriage but to communicate better as a couple. He doesn't seem to get how serious his breach of trust was, and no doubt he has things he wants to tell you. MC can facilitate communication in a non-hostile way.

hopeful4

Hugs to you. I know it's so hard. It's an evil cycle. He is not entirely in recovery, just a day here and there. He wants acknowledgement for those days, while you see what all the rest has done to the trust and the damage it's done to your family. Rightfully so.

I agree with above. Maybe it's time to separate and give yourself time to breathe and see just what path you do want to take. I do recommend speak with a local attorney. Even if you don't act, it will help you feel more in control. Document everything. Hope and pray for the best, prepare for the worst.

Hugs.

FireSprite

I don't know the right answers for you either. Sounds like you could really benefit from some time & space to help make those decisions though; a separation might make the best sense for you right now.

It sounds like he's doing a lot of quacking, trying to moderate himself into believing that he has control of his inner beast. This disease is so cunning it CAN play this cat & mouse game with tolerance for years & years leading a person to believe that they have control when the entire time, that Beast has been leading them deeper & deeper into it. By the time they "wake up", they often find that the dependency has grown exponentially despite their illusion of "control".

It also sounds like he's recovering because he *has* to versus doing it as a personal choice to improve the quality of his life. He's continuing to drink while claiming recovery, how can you NOT be wary of that with a small child's care on the line? How long can he sustain just a beer or 2 before it increases? Do you have to rely on him for DD's care often?

Have you thought much about what your exact boundaries are about all of this? Where is the limit to YOUR tolerance? Are you just doing that dance of only getting through a few days/weeks at a time? That process wore me down faster than anything, it was exhausting to live so unpredictably.

AdelineRose

This is only my opinion, so if you can take anything from it then do, if you feel like you don't agree, then that is perfectly fine and everyone's situation is different.

I am a recovering heroin addict, and my fiance is currently in prison and consequently in recovery as a small background of me and where I am coming from.

Where should you cut your losses? Honestly, I would say if you feel you cannot trust him with your daughter, that he is still lying, and that if you cannot trust him and do not think that you are willing to trust him in the future then I would say that it is time to talk to a lawyer and check out your options.

At this point, it doesn't really matter if he manages to get sober for a month, two, three, four, or a year. At some point the trust in the relationship is gone and if you are at a point where you feel you need to breathalyze him twice in one night and that you can't trust him with your daughter then I would say that things have passed the point of no return and that it is time to talk to a lawyer.

You do not need to be doing anything different, you didn't cause this and you cannot control or fix it. It is all on him and he is not doing what needs to be done to get sober and your feelings are not out of nowhere and you are not unjustified in them. It is okay to decide you have had enough, you have the right to expect a certain behavior when children are involved and you have the right to want certain things out of the person you are married to and if he is not fitting that profile then you have your answer right there.

FutureTrip

Thank you for all of your support and advice. I am going to go ahead and at least speak to a lawyer about my options in separation.

My AH and I talked on Sunday night. While he admits he hasn't been doing enough, he started off being super defensive, telling me I'm not being supportive and I'm too angry. When I mentioned this is not sustainable and I'm over living like this, his view on separating is that is awful for our daughter, why did I even marry him and he's not going to drink anymore so that's no longer an issue. This led to where it always goes, me spelling out how much pain, hurt, mistrust he has caused, how I have grown and changed since we married, and especially since having a child, and he hasn't grown or adjusted to life's changes one bit. Him finally stopping the defensiveness and ********, apologizing and saying now he really won't drink and he's sorry. And I know he really, really means it. At that moment.

And every single time, I feel guilty and have a tiny bit of belief that maybe he'll follow through this time. But I can't trust him. And maybe he won't drink for a week, or maybe even a month if he really holds on, but seeing him actually being able to commit is total make believe to me.

I almost wish he were getting blind drunk and refusing to admit he has a problem so that I could leave without any question that it's the right thing.

maia1234

Ft,
At what point do you get peace in your life?

Your husband said it is not good for your daughter. Keep reading around SR. Nearly every person on this forum from spouses to adults who grew up in an alcoholic home, would disagree with his opinion. I had to have my DD21 tell me that "Dad will never make you happy". My own daughter who had lived through way to much in her life, living with an addict, before I had the courage to divorce axh. It was horrible, but worth my sanity. He's getting worse and I'm not.

No person deserves it, just to keep the "family" together. Its no family when Dad is drunk, mom is pissed and the kids recognize everything. I am sorry to be so blunt, but if its for your child you are staying together for, don't do it. Go and read the forums of the misery spouses of addicts lived through, just to keep the family together.

Sending you hugs my friend, your child deserves one healthy parent!!