L0stC0nfus3d

Hello everyone,

I am new to this website and I stumbled upon it on a bad day with my boyfriend, who has had a problem with alcohol since he returned from Iraq in 2010. I came here to find other people like me that I can confide in, because I feel like I can't confide in any of my friends or family about his issues without some sort of judgement.

My boyfriend returned from his deployment with significant PTSD. For the first year our relationship was great and I could see myself with no one else. We were long distance and saw each other on weekends so I think it made it more difficult to see that he had a problem. Shortly after his deployment a fellow comrade and roommate overdosed on heroine and died. His drinking then spiraled out of control. He would drink a fifth a night, get black out drunk, and pushed all his friends & family away. Our relationship began to suffer from the drunken nights and although he has never hit me, he has screamed at me and down gradesmy feelings constantly. "You shouldn't feel that way" or "it's stupid you think things like that, so stop" . He has called me a b**** once or twice. Even though he has never physically abused me, there have been times when I have gotten scared because of the demonic look he gets when he is angry.

After he got out of the military a year and a half ago, he began to do better. His drinking decreased significantly and he started school. So we moved in together, which is where I am now. Ever since we began living together the drinking has been up and down. It got really bad again 3 months ago when he would drink 2 or 3 six packs a night and got really drunk. His grades have started to slip, and he runs out of money every month. It feels like we argue about alcohol Constantly..

Most recently he admitted to me he was an alcoholic but he wasn't ready to cut off completely . So he came up with the rule that he was not allowed to drink in the house. It has worked great the last month or two. He would go to the bar a night or two a week and have a beer and then come home. Until he ran out of money. Now I have come to find out that he has been drinking in the house. I found beer cans in the closet. When I brought it up to him he got extremely defensive. I feel like I have been lied to. The broken promises have pretty much pushed me to my limit and I feel like I can't trust or depend on him for anything anymore. Last night I cried my self to sleep when I heard him slip out and go to the store to get beer.

We are supposed to go to Colorado at the end of the month where someone told me he is planning to propose. I just don't even know what I want to do. I don't want to leave him, because I love him and when he is sober our relationship is great. Plus I am tied to a lease until January. At the same time I am questioning if I can keep fighting. I feel broken down and completely alone which I don't think that helps me cope with the situation.

I would appreciate any guidance and support that I get get and I hope this website can offer it to me.

ladyscribbler

I was in a similar situation, my ex and I returned from Iraq in 2008. He was functional at first too, until he wasn't. The last semester he tried to go to school was a disaster. He ended up having to drop most of his classes so he wouldn't fail them. And drinking until he was out of money. And hiding. And lying.

I thought I could help him because we'd both been through so much together and had so many similar experiences. I was wrong. He had all the help in the world at his fingertips, but like your bf, he continued to drink with attempts made to control it periodically because he didn't want to quit.

He was never physically violent with me, until he was. Your bf is escalating. He will get worse. You will be the target of his rages unless you get yourself out of the way.

Do not marry him. Do not have children with him. Sorry to be preachy or a downer, but check out my past threads to see what's in store for you if you try to build a life with this man. Take care of you, because he never will.

honeypig

That's b/c you have been lied to. It's part of the disease. I kept trying to separate the lying from the drinking and to separate both of those from the man I loved and married. Sadly, they are all part of the same package.

I'm glad you've found us here at SR. There is a storehouse of experience, strength and wisdom here. I hope you can take some time and read around the forum; I think a lot of what you see will resonate w/you. Also make sure to check out the stickies at the top of the page.

There are several here who have been involved w/the military. Lucky for you, ladyscribbler is one of them, so you've gotten some very specific information right away. There are also several who are very knowledgeable about DV (domestic violence) and who can give you specific info about that aspect of things too.

You are absolutely right to be leery of accepting a marriage proposal knowing about the alcohol problem. It will only get worse, not better, until he seeks treatment, and you'll just be dragged down with him.

Things here can be a little slow on the weekends sometimes, but you'll get some good feedback for sure. In the meantime, read as much as you can and consider going to a local Alanon meeting for some face-to-face support.

Wishing you strength and clarity.

timetohealguy

A friend of mine suffered from PTSD about 10 years ago. It absolutely messed with his head.

There is an article "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Addiction" at (remove the spaces in the URL) ...

www . dualdiagnosis . org/mental-health-and-addiction/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-and-addiction/

The book that really helped my friend with PTSD was "Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma" by Peter A. Levine - I read it to help me understand what he was going through ...

www . amazon . com/Waking-Tiger-Healing-Peter-Levine/dp/155643233X/

Would be worth both you and your boyfriend reading that book. PTSD is a tough thing to explain when someone is sufferring from it, so that book may help you understand what is going on in his head in terms of PTSD.

Eauchiche

Dear Lost
I am so sorry for what brings you here. Without knowing you, I can tell that you are worth much better than your current situation. This is why you are here asking for help.
Have your boyfriend move out. Do not go to Colorado.
Marriage will not fix the problems your boyfriend has. In fact, it will drag two people down instead of one, unless you bring children into this union, then it will drag them down too.
If he decides to get into recovery, wait until he is sober at least a year before you date him again, then date platonically. If he doesn't agree to all this, then he is not a match.

If you want a husband / life mate and not a patient for the rest of your life, you MUST remove yourself from this situation.

My dear Mother died ten years ago this month at the age of only 71. She decided to stay with my addict father against the advice of others, because she loved him. He absolutely assassinated her self esteem and wore her out. After he died, she only lasted another 5 years.

Again, I am so sorry you are here.

L0stC0nfus3d

I want to thank everyone for replying so promptly! I was rather amazed by it. I think the hardest thing for me is leaving after 5 years. I've fought so long for this relationship to work and to have it all crumble is heartbreaking. I looked up local al anon meetings and I think I am going to try and go to the next one. I definitely need help figuring everything out, because doong it on my own hasn't worked. I need to focus on myself and I know that.

If i ask him to move out then I will not be able to afford my apartment, so before I would be able do anything I would need to figure out a plan for myself. I am currently working and going to school fulltime, so he pays more than half of the bills.

As for Colorado, i have to go because I am in our close friends wedding. I've thought about bringing the proposal up to him and asking him not to ask me until I can figure out our relationship.

FeelingGreat

Hi Lost, I suspect that when he tells you you shouldn't be feeling a certain way he's reflecting his judgement of himself. People often criticise in their partners things they don't like about themselves, and if he's suffering from PTSD he's having disturbing thoughts and feelings he tells himself he should be over by now. This is something he has to seek treatment for if he wants to recover. Same with alcoholism.

Unless he gets treatment (and there is a lot out there) he's unlikely to deal with his drinking. I can speak from experience to say that, whatever your reason for drinking, once you've got into the habit of excess it's very hard to moderate. That's why most people have to abstain completely, even if they've resolved what made them start over-drinking.

I would definitely ask him not to propose. You don't need a big scene around your friends wedding, so better to face this while you can, and when he's sober. If you need to keep your thoughts together, write down a few notes about what troubles you.

If you feel he should move out, could you get a boarder in to help with costs? Alternately ask your landlord about breaking the lease, just so you know.

He's currently in strong denial about everything and who knows if losing you might be a wake-up call for him? Even if it's not, do it for you, not him.

Bekindalways

Welcome Lost! I'm so glad you found us. Also so sorry for the reason that has brought you hear.

I'm happy that you are willing to give Alanon a shot; it doesn't work for everyone but form many it is a lifesaver. Also be sure to checkout the mishmash of best posts in the stickies. These are a good place to start educating yourself about relationships with addicts and alcoholics.

timetohealguy

I went through a situation that was somewhat similar with my ex gf - the first year was great, then she went through a very stressful time in her life and was drinking, and it caused absolute chaos in her life and our relationship.

She then got sober for 4 months, things got much much better between us, but then she relapsed in a big way and everything went to hell.


That he admitted that he is an alcoholic is a positive thing.

My ex would never ever admit that she had a problem with alcohol and would get very very angry if I suggested that she did.

That he is not ready to cut off alcohol completely is not such a good thing. Some alcoholics think that they can just tone it down and become social drinkers again. I have never met an alcoholic who has been able to "become a social drinker again" successfully.

The alcoholics who get well are the ones who decide they will never drink again and commit to that.


Any woman (or man) being made to feel scared at home is not OK. Period.

He needs to own how he made you feel, and you need to be able to feel safe at all times.

I saw that demonic look in my ex gf's eyes - it is deeply disturbing to see in someone you love.


Do you think he would go and talk to a counsellor with you ?

Everyone has their own opinion and life experiences on this stuff, but I always lean towards establishing with a professional counsellor or psychologist where the drinker is at in terms of them wanting to change and what the prospects of change are, before making major decisions.

Whenever I have a major decision to make, I always spend some time gathering info and then make a decision.

That said, if you don't feel safe at any point, you need to get to a safe environment. As I said above, any woman (or man) being made to feel scared at home is not OK. Period.

Do you have a family doctor you can talk to about this and get some advice from ? Family doctors see alcohol problems all the time and my family doctor was an amazing source of advice and support for me with my ex's drinking.

maia1234

Lost welcome, and good for you for reaching out for help so early in your relationship. There is a lot of support on these boards. This is my take of your situation. He admitted he is an alcoholic and wasn't ready to do anything about it. That's great for him, almost freeing that he no longer has to hide his addiction from you, his soon to be fiancee. He is telling you who he is right up front, so you can't say you had no idea.

So what does that mean for you? Keep reading these forums. Alcohlism is progressive. Read what enablers have lived through. If I knew what you know, before my marriage, I would have run and run fast. I had no idea, my axh was an addict until about 20 years into the 34 years together. I sat in an alanon meeting going, yep he is an alcoholic, Wow!! No clue.

Please understand you will never be his number one love, "she" will always come before you, always. He will choose her over you every time, and then ask for your forgiveness after the incident. This disease kills a lot of relationships and lives. I would run and run fast. It is his disease now, not the family disease it becomes. You are still sane and strong. Please let him figure this out before you enter into a marriage with an addict. You can not save him or help him. Let him go, and maybe if he gets sober and is ready to do something about his disease, you can revisit the relationship

Hugs my friend, this is something you can truly not help him with. I'm sorry.