KLeigh87

Hi everyone!

This is my first time here (in this forum, and in dealing with alcoholism). Entering unknown territory and hoping for some advice and encouragement. I've read a lot of posts already, and they are helpful. But I wanted to post my own as well.

Where I am now: My boyfriend has currently entered an inpatient program for alcohol recovery. After two weeks of detox hell (hallucinations, multiple trips to the ER), he is finally in a safe place. And I am relieved. But I am struggling with how to move forward, for him, for me, and for us (if there is an "us").

I love him very much. We've known each other for 8 years (began a romantic relationship a year ago). He is smart, generous, loyal, supportive, caring...and an alcoholic (the big thing I chose to ignore or rationalise). Before the major realisation that he is an alcoholic, and even now to be honest, I feel he is "my person." We had so much fun together (drinking and not drinking), we had the same values and dreams, and shared a lot of the same interests. His support and affection never wavered, even when I moved away. The things I hated about myself he loved. And I have never once doubted his feelings toward me.

I know the hard truths about relationships with alcoholics. That he must focus on his recovery, getting his life back, facing his issues, etc. I also know that I have to take a step back from the relationship and focus on myself, my growth, and my health.

But it is hard! Words seems shallow and cheap when you are actually going through it. It's hard to accept the truths and live them.

He is currently in the blackout period, which I completely understand. But what should happen after that? Do we break up? Do we stay friends? Is there a possibility of us being together in the future and should I even be thinking about that? Where do we go from here? How did we even get here?!

Every time we have talked (before the blackout period) he kept saying "I just don't want to lose you." Which is so much pressure. No relationship is guaranteed, even without addiction. Honestly, I'm afraid of breaking up with him because 1) I do love him, 2) I'm afraid it will crush him and 3) I don't want to send the message that his alcoholism makes him unworthy of love.

I addition to that, my friends and family keep giving me advice. But none of them have had to deal with this. I feel like I'm being talked at, lectured, and that my decisions are/will be judged.

Thank you for reading this long post! Like I said in the beginning, I'm struggling with how to handle this. Any advice or direction is greatly appreciated.

dandylion

KLeigh....I won't give you any "advice" (even though I have dealt with alcoholim in my own life)......except to suggest that you read the STICKY at the top of the main page----"Classic Reading".....

I will say this.....that...even if you have known a person prenatally, that, it comes I nto a different focus when one enters an intimate relationship.....

I will also say that it takes more than "love" in an alcoholic relationship....most every one of the thousands that have posted here love or have loved their qualifiers.....
A;coholism, the disease, doesn't even care about the alcoholic....it will destroy the alcoholic, if allowed...and, it sure doesn't care about the tears and love of those around the alcoholic....it seeks to destroy all that is in it's path......

dandylion

AnvilheadII

if you put aside your worry about HIM, the pressure you feel from family and friends, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? what is the BEST thing for YOU? because ultimately if we are not true to ourselves, we will suffer needlessly.

you don't have to decide it all today.

bluelily

Could you take some distance for a while? Sometimes it helps when you step away, not to break up with him but to get in touch with your real needs and feelings, to get to know you.
Alcoholics tend to take up all the time and space and emotional energy available, and it is difficult not to become enmeshed with their wants. I found it very hard myself to remain focused on myself when I was with axbf even while making a point of being mindful of the dynamics between us. It really did help to take some time off (in my case this was going on a holiday with my kids).

LexieCat

I'd like to second Anvil--you don't have to figure it all out right now. I married my first husband after he was sober for a year (he's still sober today, 36 years without a slip). I always cared about him, but honestly I married him in part because I was so proud of how hard he'd worked and how well he'd done, but in truth I don't think I felt the same way about him anymore. We were married about 14 years and had a couple of kids before a very amicable divorce (we are still great friends and I stay with him and his wife when I go out west to visit my kids). So I can't say I actually regret our having been married, but I do think that my sense of obligation and loyalty led me to a path I might not otherwise have taken.

So play it by ear. You will change, he will change. Maybe you'll be better/stronger than ever; maybe you each will be, individually, but no longer "right" together. Be true to yourself--you won't be doing either one of you a favor if you're not. Hopefully he will get well. And if he's committed to sobriety, a breakup won't derail that.

Focus on yourself, let him focus on what he needs to do. Maybe you'll wind up together or maybe you won't. Work on being OK with yourself in the event of either outcome, and you won't go wrong.

Bekindalways

Welcome Kleigh. I'm glad you found us.

You sound like a wise person who know a bit more than most about alcoholism. Although this knowing probably doesn't make the pain one whit easier - sigh.

Unfortunately, at this point, there is no knowing what will happen with either of you. "Not knowing" isn't something we humans embrace easily. I second what the others have said: focus on yourself; let him focus on his recovery.

Let us know how you get on.

KLeigh87

Thank you all for the advice and encouragement! It helps to hear it from people who know.

Thank you for saying that it doesn't need to be figured out right now.

Thank you for saying that going on a break won't derail his recovery if he's serious.

As empathetic people we tend to take on responsibilities that aren't ours. It's hard to separate our needs from others'. So we need to remind each other of that. Thank you.

The separation during the blackout period has been good actually. It's lonely and I often wonder what he's up to, how he's feeling. But then I remember that I need to turn those thoughts inwards to myself. Up and down, up and down.

Again, thank you friends!

I'm glad this site and forum exists!