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Old 06-02-2016, 05:24 PM   #1 (permalink)
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When will I feel better? and How?


Cut a long story short - after four years I finally left my long term boyfriend (5 years). He was an alcoholic many years before I met him but at the time I was 18 and his reckless drinking didn't bother me. Now I am 23 and I have graduated and want to settle and I can no longer have him in my life because of the alcoholism and the associated consequences.

The biggest problem for me is that I thought I would feel free. However the alcohol mixed with an intense relationship turned him abusive at points in our relationship, and I always was responsible for him when he drank. Now, I still cannot let go and anxiety cripples me.

We keep in contact but I am in constant panic about when he next gets really drunk as he has been known to come to my mothers house (where I am now living) and bang on the door, causing us both a lot of distress, as he shouts and screams until we answer. He also does other things like leave me voice messages that are abusive or rings me to cause arguments. I can never relax because I dont know when he is drinking.

I cannot simply tell him to go away because when hes drunk he loses all grasp of control and would do it anyway. I want to be his friend, but I cannot deal with the worry.

We had a horrible relationship when he was drunk. I once had to call an ambulance for him because he was so drunk I was worried he might die, and he has been robbed before and put in the back of a van by some really dodgy men. I left because I no longer could cope with the stress of looking after him when he drank. I was mentally very unwell, and now I'm still struggling to be free.

p.s I can't move house.
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Old 06-02-2016, 05:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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WELCOME.

i am concerned for your safety! have you called the police on any of his abuse? or when he shows up drunk and banging on your door? that would be a start. also getting a restraining order. you must treat this as a dangerous threat, not something you can manage.

you could also cut off contact. don't listen to his messages, don't call him back. consider an alarm system. take EVERY precaution as you would if this was a stranger.

i am very sorry you are dealing with this. we get it. we know the fear, mixed with the concern for him.
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Old 06-02-2016, 05:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII View Post
WELCOME.

i am concerned for your safety! have you called the police on any of his abuse? or when he shows up drunk and banging on your door? that would be a start. also getting a restraining order. you must treat this as a dangerous threat, not something you can manage.

you could also cut off contact. don't listen to his messages, don't call him back. consider an alarm system. take EVERY precaution as you would if this was a stranger.

i am very sorry you are dealing with this. we get it. we know the fear, mixed with the concern for him.
Thank you for your reply. I'm not overly concerned. I live in the UK and a restraining order doesnt do much, he would just ignore it and turn up anyway. Once I answer the door I manage to put him in a cab and calm him down, but its the constant fear of having to put myself and my mother (who is kindly letting me live with her) through it all.

I wake up at night thinking I can hear him banging on the door
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Old 06-02-2016, 05:55 PM   #4 (permalink)
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surely they have police in the UK? sure, you may be able to get him into a cab or whatever, but you are simply enabling him to continue his behaviors towards you. and your poor mom......i'm sure she didn't sign up for this?

he's out of control. not a friend. you have become his target......and until you change YOUR behaviors, he will continue. as long as you stay in constant contact, answer the phone, allow him to come bang on your door, disrupt your life, nothing will change.

i know it's tough.....but it's time. you deserve better. you deserve peace. you may not be worried but as a long time member of SR who has seen a lot of stories of things going wrong, i implore you to stop the madness before the unimaginable happens.
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Old 06-02-2016, 06:04 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Welcome! You have found a great place to get support and advice, we have all been there or are currently still going through something similar to what you are.

My first piece of advice would be to go completely no contact with him. He is not a friend, you are not able to help him or "cure" him, and he is putting you through a lot of stress and anxiety along with your mother. The first thing I would do is change my phone number and not have any contact with him at all. The only way to get passed the anxiety and stress is to eliminate the source of the anxiety and stress. The reason you do not feel "free" is because you still have the stressor in your life, even if you are not still in a relationship with him.

I would also not answer his banging on the door no matter how loud it gets. I am not from the UK but I would think that anywhere if someone is banging on your door in the middle of the night drunk that if you called the police that they would have to force him to leave. Also, if he eventually knows that no matter how loud he bangs and yells that he is not going to be able to get you to answer the door then he will eventually stop coming to your home and banging on the door drunk. Even someone who is extremely intoxicated will eventually get the hint if they are never answered or paid attention to.

Have you considered going to counseling so that you can talk through these feelings and address the anxiety? I am sorry you are hurting right now, but unfortunately, breaking up with him was only the first step. The second and third steps usually are breaking all contact and getting the help that we need personally to help move forward and make healthier decisions for ourselves.
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Old 06-02-2016, 06:16 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Welcome! You have found a great place to get support and advice, we have all been there or are currently still going through something similar to what you are.

My first piece of advice would be to go completely no contact with him. He is not a friend, you are not able to help him or "cure" him, and he is putting you through a lot of stress and anxiety along with your mother. The first thing I would do is change my phone number and not have any contact with him at all. The only way to get passed the anxiety and stress is to eliminate the source of the anxiety and stress. The reason you do not feel "free" is because you still have the stressor in your life, even if you are not still in a relationship with him.

I would also not answer his banging on the door no matter how loud it gets. I am not from the UK but I would think that anywhere if someone is banging on your door in the middle of the night drunk that if you called the police that they would have to force him to leave. Also, if he eventually knows that no matter how loud he bangs and yells that he is not going to be able to get you to answer the door then he will eventually stop coming to your home and banging on the door drunk. Even someone who is extremely intoxicated will eventually get the hint if they are never answered or paid attention to.

Have you considered going to counseling so that you can talk through these feelings and address the anxiety? I am sorry you are hurting right now, but unfortunately, breaking up with him was only the first step. The second and third steps usually are breaking all contact and getting the help that we need personally to help move forward and make healthier decisions for ourselves.
Thank you so much. To answer your post and the one above. The police would help but they are slow as I live in a very small town. I worry about the neighbours being angry. I worry about my mum. Basically I worry about everyone but myself.

But you are right. He will get the message eventually.
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Old 06-02-2016, 07:23 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I would highly recommend ALANON. You will learn about codependency, enabling, and alcoholism.

You are dancing a disfunctional dance with him. He will only get worse so it is time for you to get better
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Old 06-02-2016, 08:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Fd,
Welcome and good for you for reaching out. I second the motion of calling the police. He is not your responsibility anymore. Do you want to be doing this in 6 months or a year. Its not normal or healthy for anyone. He will not stop till you stop him. I hope that he would if the police arrested him for public intoxication.

I agree also with MIR, you could really educate yourself by hitting an alanon meeting. They are wonderful for face to face support. They are near you and you could reach out to them for support and suggestions on how to help you.

hugs my friend, I am sorry!!
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Old 06-03-2016, 07:25 AM   #9 (permalink)
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^^^^^ He will not stop until you stop him^^^^^ That!!

My suggestion would be no contact, none, zero. You are in an extremely abuse relationship. It's time for you to worry about you.
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