I'm so tired of it all !!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm so tired of it all !!
My hypochondriac daughter called me today. Yes, I do answer my phone, no matter how hateful they are.
She called me to tell me that they are buying this really expensive truck, which won't cost them that much, even though they are going through a used car dealership. Well, whatever.... I can't talk about things like that. I don't care how she spends her money.
At the end of the phone call she asks me if I want to stay with her the weekend of the wedding that I am going to for my 2nd cousin. It's in NJ.
I think this is more directed at the old timers here that know me.
My other daughter and son are coming from Baltimore area. They aren't speaking to me again. WHATEVER !!!!! They will forgive me when I acknowledge that I was a mean nasty abusive bitch, and that's why their dad left. Or WHATEVER.
Even though this is the daughter that said I called CPS on her to ruin her life and to take her kids away from her.
So for the old timers that know me, should I just stay at my sisters house and play it safe, or should I walk into the lion's den, and face all of my children at the same time. I do know, or feel that they will be staying there also.
I do know that my car will be there and I can drive home at anytime. It's only 2 hours.
Thing is, I did change, I accept the guilt and blame that is mine, but I will not accept anything else.
My sister will not be upset if I change my plans.
I know I can do my daughters house also, because, I can accept the things that I did, and I can apologize for those, but I can't and won't apologize for things that I didn't do anymore.
Like I said I have my car,....
so should I avoid things or do a head on collision which may be bad, but also may be good?
amy
She called me to tell me that they are buying this really expensive truck, which won't cost them that much, even though they are going through a used car dealership. Well, whatever.... I can't talk about things like that. I don't care how she spends her money.
At the end of the phone call she asks me if I want to stay with her the weekend of the wedding that I am going to for my 2nd cousin. It's in NJ.
I think this is more directed at the old timers here that know me.
My other daughter and son are coming from Baltimore area. They aren't speaking to me again. WHATEVER !!!!! They will forgive me when I acknowledge that I was a mean nasty abusive bitch, and that's why their dad left. Or WHATEVER.
Even though this is the daughter that said I called CPS on her to ruin her life and to take her kids away from her.
So for the old timers that know me, should I just stay at my sisters house and play it safe, or should I walk into the lion's den, and face all of my children at the same time. I do know, or feel that they will be staying there also.
I do know that my car will be there and I can drive home at anytime. It's only 2 hours.
Thing is, I did change, I accept the guilt and blame that is mine, but I will not accept anything else.
My sister will not be upset if I change my plans.
I know I can do my daughters house also, because, I can accept the things that I did, and I can apologize for those, but I can't and won't apologize for things that I didn't do anymore.
Like I said I have my car,....
so should I avoid things or do a head on collision which may be bad, but also may be good?
amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Doesn't sound like a fun wedding weekend, if you are worried that it will be horrible at your daughters house.
You have 3 options, suck it up and stay at your daughters. Try and make amends without having to say your sorry for something you didn't do. Go to you sisters, not deal with the daughter, and have your daughter pissed off that you didn't stay with her. I don't think that you are going to win either way. I would just head home if it was me.
Not worth all the BS dealing with family. Sorry Amy, it is not easy dealing with them..
You have 3 options, suck it up and stay at your daughters. Try and make amends without having to say your sorry for something you didn't do. Go to you sisters, not deal with the daughter, and have your daughter pissed off that you didn't stay with her. I don't think that you are going to win either way. I would just head home if it was me.
Not worth all the BS dealing with family. Sorry Amy, it is not easy dealing with them..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
SK, I can see me going there and when I got the silent treatment or whatever just getting into my car and going back home.
I have been accused of calling CPS on my older daughter, which is what started this, where none of my children talked to me, (which I did not do), to throwing myself down a flight of steps so I would be injured so I could call the cops to have their dad arrested.
Then I would get occasional phone calls from my son lasting about 4 hours, and then him crossing me off his wedding invite list. This was all because on Dec 23rd, I called him and told him that I would mail the Christmas presents since I wouldn't see him at Christmas. He got pissed off at me because he forgot to mention that he wanted to come up Jan 20th for Christmas.
My younger daughter still wants to believe, even though she saw me in the ER, that her dad didn't do that, I did. I threw myself down a flight of stairs.
When my oldest daughter asked me about this today, I did tell her that I made other plans, because I can't make plans for when or when not, she will speak to me.
Going back to limited contact, will only talk when the phone rings.
amy
I have been accused of calling CPS on my older daughter, which is what started this, where none of my children talked to me, (which I did not do), to throwing myself down a flight of steps so I would be injured so I could call the cops to have their dad arrested.
Then I would get occasional phone calls from my son lasting about 4 hours, and then him crossing me off his wedding invite list. This was all because on Dec 23rd, I called him and told him that I would mail the Christmas presents since I wouldn't see him at Christmas. He got pissed off at me because he forgot to mention that he wanted to come up Jan 20th for Christmas.
My younger daughter still wants to believe, even though she saw me in the ER, that her dad didn't do that, I did. I threw myself down a flight of stairs.
When my oldest daughter asked me about this today, I did tell her that I made other plans, because I can't make plans for when or when not, she will speak to me.
Going back to limited contact, will only talk when the phone rings.
amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I need to write all of my thoughts about this. I remember when I got divorced 2010. It was Dec. My mom came up from Florida at that time. I don't know why?
I got divorced on Dec. 10th, she was here on Dec 11th, and Dec 12th was my birthday. I think she kidnapped me into going with her to Florida on about Dec 15th. I was in Florida for a month. My mom actually told me to forget that I even ever had kids. I think she saw the storm brewing.
I didn't see this, I remember my son telling me that he didn't want to go to college because he was afraid of how dad was treating me.
The black eye that I got (which now has changed to me throwing myself down the stairs), my daughter came to the ER room, and told me that I should have left him years ago.
My children scare me. I don't know if it's because he actually became the dad they wanted after I left, (which he did), or if it was trying to block out the past.
I do know that he "ran away" from home many time. He was perhaps staying with them feeding them lies about me. Whatever, I can't do anything about that.
My decision..... I love my cousin, and my second cousin who is getting married. I'll be staying at my sisters house, I can't deal with this bs anymore.
amy
I got divorced on Dec. 10th, she was here on Dec 11th, and Dec 12th was my birthday. I think she kidnapped me into going with her to Florida on about Dec 15th. I was in Florida for a month. My mom actually told me to forget that I even ever had kids. I think she saw the storm brewing.
I didn't see this, I remember my son telling me that he didn't want to go to college because he was afraid of how dad was treating me.
The black eye that I got (which now has changed to me throwing myself down the stairs), my daughter came to the ER room, and told me that I should have left him years ago.
My children scare me. I don't know if it's because he actually became the dad they wanted after I left, (which he did), or if it was trying to block out the past.
I do know that he "ran away" from home many time. He was perhaps staying with them feeding them lies about me. Whatever, I can't do anything about that.
My decision..... I love my cousin, and my second cousin who is getting married. I'll be staying at my sisters house, I can't deal with this bs anymore.
amy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Amy!
I'm going to be in sort of a similar situation soon as I will be traveling with my stepdaughter and grands to visit extended family. SD and children should be fine, but the extended family -- not so much.
My solution was to get myself a room at a local, family-owned hotel. Sort of my escape hatch as needed! "Gee, I must have left something back in my room! See you later."
Is it possible to arrange for a night in a local hotel? Might be a relief for you....
I'm going to be in sort of a similar situation soon as I will be traveling with my stepdaughter and grands to visit extended family. SD and children should be fine, but the extended family -- not so much.
My solution was to get myself a room at a local, family-owned hotel. Sort of my escape hatch as needed! "Gee, I must have left something back in my room! See you later."
Is it possible to arrange for a night in a local hotel? Might be a relief for you....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Good on you, Amy!!i was going to say FOR GOD'S SAKE STAY AT YOUR SISTER'S but you came to that conclusion on your own. 
And I love it how you told them how you never know if they'll be talking to you or not so your decision was NOT to stay with them.
And I love it how you told them how you never know if they'll be talking to you or not so your decision was NOT to stay with them.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: atlanta, ga
Posts: 3,581
We can't change the past, only the present and future. I believe you have repeatedly apologized to your children . All you can do. there is no need to constantly rehash what is a "he said, she said" They believe X , You say it was Y.
The bottom line is you were married to an abusive alcoholic. Everyone was injured by it. Its over. Its been over for 6 years. They will most likely never understand what you went through. They will never understand why you acted the way you did or how you survived. I suppose it is difficult to accept that your father is that kind of monster.
If it were me I would put an end to these games today. NO, I would not stay with your daughter. NO, I would not engage with your children at the event - its a wedding, not a courtroom. In fact, I would not ever engage with them again about it. How many times must this be rehashed, and what purpose is it serving? none that I can see except continued DRAMA.
You've said you are sorry, you have worked toward establishing a new relationship, you have been there for them even when they were not talking to you. This "talk to you one day and not another" is bullsh!t.
The bottom line is you were married to an abusive alcoholic. Everyone was injured by it. Its over. Its been over for 6 years. They will most likely never understand what you went through. They will never understand why you acted the way you did or how you survived. I suppose it is difficult to accept that your father is that kind of monster.
If it were me I would put an end to these games today. NO, I would not stay with your daughter. NO, I would not engage with your children at the event - its a wedding, not a courtroom. In fact, I would not ever engage with them again about it. How many times must this be rehashed, and what purpose is it serving? none that I can see except continued DRAMA.
You've said you are sorry, you have worked toward establishing a new relationship, you have been there for them even when they were not talking to you. This "talk to you one day and not another" is bullsh!t.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by MIRecovery 
I don't have the time or energy for toxic people when there are so many wonderful ones
My family were toxic so I cut them out of my life. Big relief.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
amy....for what it is worth....I agree--stay with your sister.
Weddings are supposed to be a happy, [positive celebration. Good kinds of stuff. Not to be digging up bones...or a courtroom, like redatlanta said (lol).....
Think of all the Thanksgiving dinners where someone decides to announce things like: "I'm pregnant; I'm gay; I'm c hanging to another religion; I'm in love with my boss's wife; ........never a good idea......
I must tell you this story.....There was a wedding, here in the D.C. suburbs that was soo bad that it made the National News! It was a large wedding...the reception was held at a fancy-smanchy hotel.
The groom was a metropolitan policeman...and, thus was known well by the police force. There were some off-duty policemen at the wedding. There was a lot of drinking....Someone, on the wife's side, insulted someone on the groom's side....and, eventually, a punch was thrown. some of the cops tried to break it up....and they were attacked by some of the very tense crowd..
Well, someone called the police department...and many, many squad cars showed up to defend their buddies.....and, then, all of the police and the whole wedding party were fist fighting....Chairs were thrown....windows broken...the bride was trampled, as she tried to get in the middle.....
People were injured....the press showed up to record some of this....
There were multiple arrests..including nine police and multiple members of the wedding party.....
How bad can it get....?!
I thought you might appreciate this story, about now.....lol....
Weddings are supposed to be a happy, [positive celebration. Good kinds of stuff. Not to be digging up bones...or a courtroom, like redatlanta said (lol).....
Think of all the Thanksgiving dinners where someone decides to announce things like: "I'm pregnant; I'm gay; I'm c hanging to another religion; I'm in love with my boss's wife; ........never a good idea......
I must tell you this story.....There was a wedding, here in the D.C. suburbs that was soo bad that it made the National News! It was a large wedding...the reception was held at a fancy-smanchy hotel.
The groom was a metropolitan policeman...and, thus was known well by the police force. There were some off-duty policemen at the wedding. There was a lot of drinking....Someone, on the wife's side, insulted someone on the groom's side....and, eventually, a punch was thrown. some of the cops tried to break it up....and they were attacked by some of the very tense crowd..
Well, someone called the police department...and many, many squad cars showed up to defend their buddies.....and, then, all of the police and the whole wedding party were fist fighting....Chairs were thrown....windows broken...the bride was trampled, as she tried to get in the middle.....
People were injured....the press showed up to record some of this....
There were multiple arrests..including nine police and multiple members of the wedding party.....
How bad can it get....?!
I thought you might appreciate this story, about now.....lol....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 715
Hi Amy..
You made your decision before I had a chance to chime in. Yes!! You made the right one, stay with your sister. Maybe one day your children will " get it " or not. Do what's good for you and Enjoy that wedding.
Ro
You made your decision before I had a chance to chime in. Yes!! You made the right one, stay with your sister. Maybe one day your children will " get it " or not. Do what's good for you and Enjoy that wedding.
Ro
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
"So for the old timers that know me, should I just stay at my sisters house and play it safe, or should I walk into the lion's den, and face all of my children at the same time. I do know, or feel that they will be staying there also. "
welp, something that come to mind is part of the Lords prayer:
....and lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.
asking to be led from temptation and delivered from evil then walking smack dab into it would be rather insane,imo.
welp, something that come to mind is part of the Lords prayer:
....and lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil.
asking to be led from temptation and delivered from evil then walking smack dab into it would be rather insane,imo.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
I'm really glad I posted this last night. I was getting a codie attack. (lol)
I started to having the guilt attack after the phone call. I was thinking what mother would give up spending a weekend with her children and stay with her sister instead, even though staying with sister is more inconvenient for me, it's an additional 45 mins of driving. I guess I also have that little hope left in me that someday things will improve. BUT, dang it all, I want to have a good time, and that means not staying at my daughters house. (lol)
My cousin will make sure that we are not seated together. I don't even have to ask her about that. My family takes care of me.
Dandy, enjoyed the wedding story. It was funny because that's what my kids envision would happen with me and the ex at the same party, and of course, I would be the one that caused it. (lol) Instead I talk nicely to his gf.
Tom, I need to remember that----"lead me not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" Amen.
I knew by coming here that all you good people here would knock that "guilt trip" right out of me.
I already missed a phone call from that daughter today. I'm starting to feel that the invite to stay over, was perhaps a way to try to soften me up, so I would do something for her, and her plan didn't work. She probably wants me to do something for her while she goes on her gambling cruise on June 19th. That's not going to happen either. I know this might be considered future tripping, it's just that I am not use to saying the word "no" yet. It did feel good last night though.
Thanks
(((((hugs)))))
amy
I started to having the guilt attack after the phone call. I was thinking what mother would give up spending a weekend with her children and stay with her sister instead, even though staying with sister is more inconvenient for me, it's an additional 45 mins of driving. I guess I also have that little hope left in me that someday things will improve. BUT, dang it all, I want to have a good time, and that means not staying at my daughters house. (lol)
My cousin will make sure that we are not seated together. I don't even have to ask her about that. My family takes care of me.
Dandy, enjoyed the wedding story. It was funny because that's what my kids envision would happen with me and the ex at the same party, and of course, I would be the one that caused it. (lol) Instead I talk nicely to his gf.
Tom, I need to remember that----"lead me not into temptation, but deliver us from evil" Amen.
I knew by coming here that all you good people here would knock that "guilt trip" right out of me.
I already missed a phone call from that daughter today. I'm starting to feel that the invite to stay over, was perhaps a way to try to soften me up, so I would do something for her, and her plan didn't work. She probably wants me to do something for her while she goes on her gambling cruise on June 19th. That's not going to happen either. I know this might be considered future tripping, it's just that I am not use to saying the word "no" yet. It did feel good last night though.
Thanks
(((((hugs)))))
amy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Sending, hugs, Amy. My divorce became final in December 2010, also. It's hard to believe it's been almost 6 years and I feel like I'm still processing all of the fall out from life with an abusive partner. Sometimes, it's really easy to get down on myself by thinking that "I should be over this by now!" Just recognizing those negative thoughts is such a huge accomplishment and it helps to then remind myself that the abuse happened over YEARS; healing, re-building my self-esteem, and fixing the coping skills I'd developed to deal with an abusive partner over those years takes time. Different bits and pieces will come back at different times and we work on those issues as they come up. It sounds like you're doing just that: healing and growing as stuff comes to the front.
I wish your kids would understand. I'm sorry that their understanding and empathy waxes and wanes to such extremes.
I wish your kids would understand. I'm sorry that their understanding and empathy waxes and wanes to such extremes.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Amy, I am glad you will be staying w/your sister.
You are going for a nice time.
If it were more important to you to confront this toxicity I would say stay w/your daughter, but I feel this is not the time or place to do so.
Stay strong friend!
You are going for a nice time.
If it were more important to you to confront this toxicity I would say stay w/your daughter, but I feel this is not the time or place to do so.
Stay strong friend!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Originally Posted by amy55
; She probably wants me to do something for her while she goes on her gambling cruise on June 19th.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
The wedding is June 11th. It also happens to be my daughters birthday that day. Perhaps that is why I was feeling guilty about refusing her offer, but I really don't want to be there.
I know at the wedding that she will have the table that she is sitting at, sing happy birthday to her. Just cause, you know, it will have to be about her. She'll tell (make) her husband go to the band or DJ and request "Happy Birthday". That's a given, if that doesn't happen, I will be shocked.
I wish this wedding was like the bridal shower. My oldest daughter didn't show up for that. It was only about the bride to be, the way it should be.
Oh well, can't think about this or her anymore. I prefer to be brain dead. So she called me in the morning, didn't leave a message, so I didn't call her back. Just didn't feel like it. Will give her the same excuse that she gives me, "you know, I'm not always around when the phone rings".
I will still be answering the phone, when I am around, but all of my holidays and what I do with them are all booked. I have new traditions now.
Uncertainty ----- yes, even after 5 1/2 yrs, you still deal with bs. My Divorce Date was 12/06/2010. I now celebrate that day. I made a mistake before when I said 12/10/2010. I think about the divorce so much that I have a hard time remembering the date.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
I know at the wedding that she will have the table that she is sitting at, sing happy birthday to her. Just cause, you know, it will have to be about her. She'll tell (make) her husband go to the band or DJ and request "Happy Birthday". That's a given, if that doesn't happen, I will be shocked.
I wish this wedding was like the bridal shower. My oldest daughter didn't show up for that. It was only about the bride to be, the way it should be.
Oh well, can't think about this or her anymore. I prefer to be brain dead. So she called me in the morning, didn't leave a message, so I didn't call her back. Just didn't feel like it. Will give her the same excuse that she gives me, "you know, I'm not always around when the phone rings".
I will still be answering the phone, when I am around, but all of my holidays and what I do with them are all booked. I have new traditions now.
Uncertainty ----- yes, even after 5 1/2 yrs, you still deal with bs. My Divorce Date was 12/06/2010. I now celebrate that day. I made a mistake before when I said 12/10/2010. I think about the divorce so much that I have a hard time remembering the date.
((((((((((hugs)))))))))
amy
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
