Back Again, , ,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
Back Again, , ,
I used to post in this forum some time ago. I can't believe I am back AGAIN venting about the same old thing.
I broke up with my soon-to-be ex (again) ABF and after 1 year I let him 'move back in'. I talked myself into it being good for my son to have both his mom/dad in the same household. Just 1 year later, I am ready to just move out and leave it behind AGAIN.
Has anyone done this before?? Invited the devil back into the details just to be feeling those same old feelings of disdain, stress and guilt all rolled into one.
I can't believe I allowed him to happen to me again. I have his mom on my case AGAIN because she now knows I am serious. I told them both I am putting in a 30 day notice. I am going to get a place with a family friend. I figure if I am going to have a roommate I might as well get one that is responsible and pays the bills.
Thanks, in advance, for being here AGAIN.
I broke up with my soon-to-be ex (again) ABF and after 1 year I let him 'move back in'. I talked myself into it being good for my son to have both his mom/dad in the same household. Just 1 year later, I am ready to just move out and leave it behind AGAIN.
Has anyone done this before?? Invited the devil back into the details just to be feeling those same old feelings of disdain, stress and guilt all rolled into one.
I can't believe I allowed him to happen to me again. I have his mom on my case AGAIN because she now knows I am serious. I told them both I am putting in a 30 day notice. I am going to get a place with a family friend. I figure if I am going to have a roommate I might as well get one that is responsible and pays the bills.
Thanks, in advance, for being here AGAIN.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, letitend--glad you remembered us and came back for some help once you realized you needed it.
I don't think you are at all alone in "letting the devil back in." I've read any number of posts from people who've done the same. I suspect that when someone comes around and posts for a while and then disappears, they've done it too. I know for myself that I've backtracked numerous times with boundaries and what I will and won't accept, so I think it's more common than not that we allow ourselves to get sucked back into that trap of hoping things will somehow be different this time. We want to believe, we want it to work out, but wanting and hoping without hard work and action won't get anyone very far.
Anyway--good for you for seeing that things were going nowhere and for making the changes you need to make. There is some good reading up in the stickies at the top of the page about the things that keep us in bad situations, and there's a thread going on right now in this forum about why people didn't leave sooner. You might find some encouragement there.
Glad you came back and wishing you strength and clarity!
I don't think you are at all alone in "letting the devil back in." I've read any number of posts from people who've done the same. I suspect that when someone comes around and posts for a while and then disappears, they've done it too. I know for myself that I've backtracked numerous times with boundaries and what I will and won't accept, so I think it's more common than not that we allow ourselves to get sucked back into that trap of hoping things will somehow be different this time. We want to believe, we want it to work out, but wanting and hoping without hard work and action won't get anyone very far.
Anyway--good for you for seeing that things were going nowhere and for making the changes you need to make. There is some good reading up in the stickies at the top of the page about the things that keep us in bad situations, and there's a thread going on right now in this forum about why people didn't leave sooner. You might find some encouragement there.
Glad you came back and wishing you strength and clarity!
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
There is a time in relationships when you are first attracted to one another, fall in love, etc that you are sort of swept up in the feelings...the chemistry can be amazing. And scientists have long thought that the brain 'in love' is a lot like the brain when it's high. Add in the hormone pitocin for bonding, and it sort of seals the deal. So, you get hooked. The brain is sort of in a similar state with a new mother who feels on cloud nine after giving birth and then bonds with her newborn as pitocin works its magic.
At lot of that is needful for survival of the species so we take interest in one another, care for one another and love one another.
But there also comes a time when the practical side of things sort of bears down on a person and you are left with that issue of "who's going to pay the bills?" Because the need for food, clothing, and shelter does out weigh the need to 'be in love'.
Co-dependents are frequently in that role of paying the bills, taking care of business and holding things together practically while the addict is busy seeking out their next fix; going from high to high. It doesn't take long for that to wear you down and realize that your OWN needs are not being met! You can take it for so long, and there comes a breaking point and somethings got to give. You realize that while you are taking care of everyone and everything else, you are not taking care of YOU. And then you end up suffering, unhappy, unfulfilled and feel like you are on the edge of losing it.
Totally understandable, friend.
Hang in there. There's a lot of help and support here.
His mother, well-she's his mother. She can enable him til the day she dies if she so chooses....but YOU, you have needs and you deserve someone who can be a true partner to you. Don't neglect yourself; it sounds like you are trying very hard no to do that. Hugs!
At lot of that is needful for survival of the species so we take interest in one another, care for one another and love one another.
But there also comes a time when the practical side of things sort of bears down on a person and you are left with that issue of "who's going to pay the bills?" Because the need for food, clothing, and shelter does out weigh the need to 'be in love'.
Co-dependents are frequently in that role of paying the bills, taking care of business and holding things together practically while the addict is busy seeking out their next fix; going from high to high. It doesn't take long for that to wear you down and realize that your OWN needs are not being met! You can take it for so long, and there comes a breaking point and somethings got to give. You realize that while you are taking care of everyone and everything else, you are not taking care of YOU. And then you end up suffering, unhappy, unfulfilled and feel like you are on the edge of losing it.
Totally understandable, friend.
Hang in there. There's a lot of help and support here.
His mother, well-she's his mother. She can enable him til the day she dies if she so chooses....but YOU, you have needs and you deserve someone who can be a true partner to you. Don't neglect yourself; it sounds like you are trying very hard no to do that. Hugs!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Diego, CA
Posts: 179
The good part is I know I deserve better, know I should not have let him back in. I am just mad at myself for putting my son and I thru this again. I feel sorry for the abf too, to have to go thru another break-up. I know I shouldn't, but I do.
I know I can get over it, I have already done it.
It is such a confusing thing to go thru. It is confusing for me because the abf is soooo irresponsible. I can't wrap my head around it.
I know I can get over it, I have already done it.
It is such a confusing thing to go thru. It is confusing for me because the abf is soooo irresponsible. I can't wrap my head around it.
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